


Safe

by texas_rp



Category: Star Trek The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Child Abandonment, F/F, Gang Rape, Malnutrition, Other, Panic Attack, Rape Aftermath, Recovery, everything is new, parent Help, post traumatic stress syndrome, suggested rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 60
Words: 148,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24920062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/texas_rp/pseuds/texas_rp
Summary: My first.Tasha is rescued by Dr Pulaski and she tries to help. From the doctor’s POV.And Tasha’s POV after a few chapters.This is my first ever story  No one has tried to capture what it was like for Tasha when she was taken from her home world. I’m going from S1 she said she was abandoned at 5 years, no mention of a sibling
Relationships: Tasha Yar/Katherine Pulaski
Comments: 30
Kudos: 24





	1. Saved

Turkana 4. An earth colony. Colonized around 30 years ago. But had already fallen. The government had dissolved and there was no one in control. The people had been left to fend for themselves. As it had been a patriarchal society, the men had managed to take control. Through gangs. 

Doctor Katherine Pulaski didn’t look too much into the USS Résolute’s visit here. She wondered why she was involved in one of the few away teams beaming down to the colony as the only assistance requested was to provide some resources to the only center that actively tried to help the people here. 

But here she was. Chief Medical Officer of a Star Fleet ship. Beaming down to a forgotten colony. Just look around, record what you see and remember they are not part of Star Fleet. This planet left the Federation. So she took the barest of equipment. Hell, it was just her and a few security officers. 

Dr Pulaski hated transporting. No she detested it. But she did not always have a choice. Here she materialized in an alley. In a very wet and filthy alley. 

Then she heard it. 

The screams. It sounded like a little girl. And it cut to her core. Ripped through her soul like nothing she’d heard in medical practice had done before. 

Dr Pulaski could not ignore it. Whatever Star Fleet ordered. So she ran. Towards those screams. 

And what she saw stopped her in her tracks. 

A young girl. Some eight to ten men. Boys when looking closer. Around her. On top of her. In her. And she screamed. She kicked. She punched. As much as her little body could do. But they were still on top of her, in control. What appeared to be clothes strewn about, torn and ripped. 

Dr Pulaski cried to them, “go, get off”. But it was ignored. Their pleasure from this was far too much too be interrupted. She wasn’t sure what she felt, she was normally calm and dispassionate. Rage. It was rage and it was beginning to burn. 

Dr Pulaski looked to the security officer with her and ordered ,”stun him” pointing to the boy on top of the girl. 

There was no question and the boy was stunned, falling limp to the side. Only briefly did the rest look up before they continued their assault on the girl. At the shout of pain that came from the girl, Dr Pulaski said “stun them all”.

That did bring up the eyebrows of the young security officer but he complied, stunning all of the young boy gang. All of their bodies falling thankfully to the side. 

It took a moment for the girl to stop screaming. But she did and when she realized she was no longer being assaulted and she curled up, tight into a ball. Dr Pulaski looked at her for only a moment before she said, “beam her directly to sick bay”.

There was crinkling. There was fazing. There was disorientation. The faint feeling of nausea. But Dr Pulaski ended up in her sick bay. How she hated transporting. But on the floor in front of her was the girl. Curled up into a ball. Arms protecting her head and bottom. Eyes pressed shut. Making no sound. Her breathes were almost imperceptible as if she was trying not to breathe. 

Dr Pulaski couldn’t think why she wouldn’t be screaming but then was glad she wasn’t. She remembered the sounds. She didn’t think she could take it. She crouched down and tried to approached the girl. And she had her first good look at her. And her heart stopped. 

In the clean, glistening whiteness of sick bay, the girl was filthy. She was naked. She was skinny. So skinny. Her shoulder blades looked like they could cut through the floor. Her hair a short knotted mess. Dr Pulaski couldn’t even determine the color of it. Her body covered in the dirt and grime that had appeared to cover the entire colony. 

Blood. 

The blood stood out. Bright. Fresh. Pungent. On her face that was tucked into her chest. Her hands. Her back. On her legs. In between her scrawny thighs. 

Dr Pulaski pulled her outreached hand back and stopped. And her heart broke. Shit. 

Without warning, the girl whipped her head up, eyes big glistening with tears. Blue eyes, Dr Pulaski unconsciously noted as she wobbled back on her heals. 

The girl shouted something in a hoarse voice. Swivelled her head about quickly, looking, searching then shouted again. She flailed her arms and legs and stood up. She was not much more than five feet tall. And so skinny. She flicked her eyes and head around, looking, looking. Then she ran for the door. She stumbled a little as her right foot was injured. The door did not open for her and she spun around moving to the side so her back was to the wall. Protecting herself, Dr Pulaski thought. The girl’s breathes were quick and shallow. Dr Pulaski could swear she could see the girl’s heart beating right through her visible rib cage. 

She’s in flight and freeze mode, Dr Pulaski subconsciously noted. No fight. 

Startling the doctor, the girl made a run to the other side of the room, to a counter that had a void underneath from the feet. The girl dropped to the floor, crawling under, folding herself up so she hid underneath and out of sight. 

Then there was no sound. The girl was deathly silent. 

She’s used to hiding, Dr Pulaski thought, hiding so no one will find her. 

The doctor sighed a heavy and sad sigh and stood up. Best to let her stay there and get used to her new surroundings first. If she tried to get her out, there’d be a fight. With a quiet gesture, Dr Pulaski motioned for the security officer to leave the room. She then looked back once and couldn’t see the girl at all, walked out, dimmed the lights and made the room warmer. She also left her tri-corder on the med-bed, open, on and recording. Hoping to get an idea of the girl’s physical health. It was already obvious she was damaged emotionally. 

Dr Pulaski actually felt like she needed to protect the girl. Keep her safe. Save her. She had always managed to stay detached, unemotional towards her patients, towards people. Oh she was a great doctor, she just did not get involved. But this girl stirred her heart. And it was a feeling she was not familiar with. But she could not ignore. 

She would save this girl.


	2. Four Days Safe

Four days. 

It has been four days since the girl was beamed aboard. The Resolute had left Turkana 4 far behind. But the girl was still aboard and still hiding under the counter. 

Dr Pulaski looked through the one way window into the room. No movement could be seen. The girl was out of sight. 

She looked at the readings from the tri-corder. They were faint because of the distance to the girl but there were some solid readings. The girl was malnourished. Extremely so. And dehydrated. She had an infection in her lower abdomen that had to be causing her constant pain. She had worms in her digestive tract. And many of other injuries that could be tended to. Dr Pulaski just needed to figure out how to reach out to the girl to treat her. 

How could she get her to come out? According to the tri-corder, the girl hadn’t moved from under the counter at all. She had to be hungry. At the very least, thirsty. 

Water. 

She was dehydrated. 

Dr Pulaski filled up a jug and two glasses with water. She then replicated a sedative and put it in the jug. 

Dr Pulaski opened the door to the med bay room. There was no response. No movement. No sounds from the girl. She was still hidden out of sight 

*Surely she would have to come out to look for food*, Dr Pulaski thought. But as she walked in with the glasses and jug, there still was no sound. She raised the lightning back up. 

Dr Pulaski sat on the floor with her back to the bio bed. She placed the jug in front of her and the glass for the girl closer to the counter. Holding her glass, she said “here sweetie, come out for some water.” 

There was still no sound. 

Dr Pulaski swished her water around in the glass and said “this is clean and cool. Come on out and drink some.” Dr Pulaski sipped her water audibly. 

First she heard movement. Then she saw a hand. A skinny dirty hand reached out, slowly, and took hold of the glass. And pulled it back under. 

Dr Pulaski was so curious, she lent down on the floor and looked under the counter. The girl was testing the water , sniffing it, dipping her finger in it, dabbing it on her tongue. She held the coolness of the glass to her forehead for a small eternity. She must have decided it was safe. But she couldn’t drink it lying under the counter. She tried and tried to drink from the glass but couldn’t, spilling it. 

Dr Pulaski smiled. The girl tried so hard to drink the water she grunted in frustration. 

A thin hand pushed the glass out. 

There was a pause until the girl’s head slowly came out and looked around. Her blue eyes quickly latched onto Dr Pulaski. Still as a statue, she stared at the doctor. Her eyes clear and steady. She never moved her eyes from the doctor as she slowly folded herself out from under the counter. Not once did her eyes dart to the water. 

*She’s looking to see if I’m a threat* the doctor thought. So she kept herself still, hands holding her glass and a small smile on her face. To look friendly. 

The girl folded her legs up close to her chest as she sat on the floor against the counter. She glared intensely at the doctor as she reached for the water with her right hand, to bring it to her mouth and drink it, steadily but greedily. Drops dripping from her chin. 

The doctor absently noticed the girl kept her left hand hidden, tucked between her thigh and chest. Dr Pulaski’s heart rate quickened as she thought the girl had a weapon, hiding it. But then when she leant forward and placed the glass closer to the doctor and she could see the girl’s hand. 

The girl’s left hand was clenched like a claw. The doctor instantly knew it had been broken and never treated, healing in such an unnatural shape. And looking again at her right foot, she saw the same thing. 

Dr Pulaski’s heart broke a second time in her life. This poor girl had been beaten and had received no medical attention. Her body healed itself as best it could but it had to be a constant source of pain. 

Dr Pulaski filled up the empty glass from the jug and pulled back. 

The girl picked it up and went through the same ritual of testing it before drinking the water down and setting the glass back, expectantly; looking at Dr Pulaski with clear eyes. 

The doctor refilled the glass and it was drunk and returned. They did this until the jug was empty, the girl having drunk five glasses. She almost seemed sad when there was no more water but her eyelids began to droop and her little body leaned to the side. 

*The sedative is taking effect* Dr Pulaski thought and felt a little guilty for the subterfuge but she didn’t know how else to treat the girl. She waited as the girl tried to hold herself upright, swaying side to side before she laid down and fell asleep. 

Waiting for a few more moments, Dr Pulaski just gazed at her. She was naked. She was so filthy the color of her skin and hair were disguised. And she was so terribly thin. And that was just the outside. 

“I’m going to help you,” the doctor promised. 

She then called out to her staff, waiting outside the door, “let’s get going.” 

Dr Mary Kimble and Nurse Jessica Stein came in. Mary passed a soft blanket to Dr Pulaski without word. The doctor gently scooped the girl up, wrapping her in the blanket, lifting her. She was surprized at how light she was. She carried her out while Mary and Jessica readied medical equipment. 

Dr Pulaski carried the girl to sickbay's bathroom where a make shift tub was filled with warm water. Removing the blanket, she laid her into the tub, keeping her hand on the back of girl's neck to hold her head above the water. With her other hand, she gently scrubbed the dirt and blood away. 

It took some time and a refill of water, but the girl was finally scrubbed clean. Her hair was short but matted and would need to be cut. The top of her head was a white blond but the lower part dark. Looking closely, Dr Pulaski realized the girl must have experienced something very traumatic, that terrified her, causing her hair to loose its color. The girl's skin was very pale. She had fresh cuts on her arms and legs, older scars on her back, hands and soles of her feet. 

Dr Pulaski carried her back to the room, lying her on the bio-bed. As she started her scans, Commander Schector walked in. 

“So you managed to get her out,” she said. 

Dr Pulaski looked at her, then back to her patient, sighing, “I needed to. There is so much to do with her I don’t know where to start.” 

“Maybe give her a hair cut first.”

Dr Pulaski laughed, “yes Annie, start at the top.” 

Commander Schector cropped the girl's hair with some clippers, while Dr Pulaski decided what to do first. She ordered a full array of hyposprays with anti-biotics and nutrients. She knew she couldn’t take care of everything at once, it’d be too much of a shock to the girl's frail body. 

Jessica started clipping the girl's nails. Mary was tending to some of the larger cuts on her legs. 

Dr Pulaski repaired her fractured cheekbone and then looked into the cause of the infection in the girl's lower abdomen. Dr Pulaski sucked her breath in loudly. The girl's reproductive organs were so diseased they would have to be removed all together. To get this bad, it would have had to be infected quite some time ago, years in fact. The girl must have been sexually assaulted before, savagely. That and years of inhumaine living conditions. 

Dr Pulaski realized she must have stopped, frozen as Annie gently shook her shoulder. “Kate, are you all right?"

"Yes" shaking her head, "I just cannot believe the damage done to her."

And so Dr Pulaski prepped the girl for surgery and a few hours later, had her dressed in loose clothing, sleeping on the bio-bed in the room. With a tired sigh, the doctor dimmed the lights and left the girl to her rest, even if it was medically induced. 

What was wrong with her? Dr Pulaski was a successful doctor but normally acerbic and detached; did her job and let it go. But something was different. This girl. 

This girl has gotten under her skin. Has gripped her soul in some way like nothing has before. She needed to make the difference. 

She had to save her.


	3. Safe From Pain

Dr Pulaski sat at her desk in her office. 

She looked through the girl's scans again for the umpteenth time. The day before, Dr Pulaski had removed the girl's uterus and ovaries as they were so badly infected. She sighed trying not to imagine what happened to her to cause that. As far gone as they were, it had to have happened many years ago. 

And she had repaired her fractured cheekbone. That was a fresh injury, probably caused by the gang attacking her. And then there was the vaginal tearing. That was fresh too but there were indications of injuries there before as well. Dr Pulaski was going to have to reconstruct that sensitive area and that was going to take some planning, especially if she wanted the girl to ever be able to feel there.

The girl was at least fifteen years old according to the scans. But she was so small and didn’t show signs of pubescent. She must have had a fairly normal life up until then because she had developed to a twelve year old, physically. Something happened about three or four years ago that stunted her growth. Something big changed in her life. 

The doctor sighed again. She seemed to be sighing all the time since bringing the girl on board. 

*"What the hell were you thinking, Kate? Bringing that child onto the ship," the captain had shouted at her outside the darkened med bay room.*

*Dr Pulaski hushed him even though the room was sound proofed. She hushed him just because she could and could get away with it. "I couldn’t leave her there, Michael, look a her! She was being gang raped for gods sake."*

*The Captain shook his head, "what are we going to do with her?"*

*"I’m going to fix her."*

*"She's not a project, Kate. Not a pet."*

*"I know that! For now she’s staying here, in sickbay."*

*The captain sighed. With his hands cupping the glass, he peered through the one way glass window into the room. "Where the hell is she then?"*

*"She’s hiding under the far counter. She’s been under there since she arrived yesterday. I’ve gone in and tried to talk her into coming out but she hasn’t budged. She’s just lying under there. According to the tri-corder readings, she hasn’t even slept. She’s terrified," the doctor said with sadness in her voice. *

*The captain turned to her, "can’t you just drag her out?"*

*"Michael, she’s a child. You can’t just drag her out. I need her to trust me," Dr Pulaski said, her frustration evident in her voice. "Please let the girl stay. We can’t put her back on that god forsaken planet, she won’t survive," she pleaded. *

*The captain sighed again. He looked at Dr Pulaski then back into the darkened room. "Well we’re being called away anyway. Someone needs us to talk some diplomacy talk somewhere so," he trailed off, looking in the window, "so she can stay."*

*He looked directly into the doctor’s eyes, and said, "she’s your responsibility, Kate. And she can’t live here in sickbay forever so get your quarters ready. Then we'll have to discuss what will happen to her in the long run." He shook his head, and sighed again. "I just cannot believe you brought her aboard," and walked out. *

That was four days ago. There had been a lot of sighing since. 

The girl was still sleeping from the sedation and Dr Pulaski wanted her to wake up naturally so it was just waiting. The doctor hadn’t even left sickbay since the operation as she wanted to be there when the girl woke up. And she was tired. 

Looking at the padd again, she thought of how she was going to treat the girl. There were the obvious injuries, nutrition aside. Her broken hand and foot to start with. She only had a dozen teeth, all of them at the back. Her front ones appeared to have been punched out a long time ago. And the ones left needed treating. Her eyesight in her left eye was poor, possibly from malnutrition too. The cuts on her arms and legs were beginning to heal and were light enough that they wouldn’t scar. But the girl had scars on her soles of her feet from being barefoot. And scars across her back, like she’d been whipped. 

Sigh. 

What kind of life had this child had? On her own on that colony. What had happened to her parents? 

There was a whimper through the speaker linked to the med room where the girl was. *She's waking up.* Dr Pulaski rushed out. 

The doctor looked in the window, the lighting was dim but enough to see clearly. She stayed outside. Let the child wake and see her environment. That it’s safe. That it’s clean. Nodding to herself, Dr Pulaski felt that was best. 

The girl was still lying on her back. She made some quiet noises and slowly opened her eyes. Dr Pulaski could see her look about the room without moving. She sat up slowly and looked down at the clothes. She pulled at the neck of her shirt, pulling it over her nose smelling it. She held her arms up looking at the long sleeves. That brought her hands to her attention as she seemed to notice they were clean. Turning them over, the girl inspected her hands and then pushed the sleeves up, looking at her forearms. She pushed the cover off with her feet, inspecting them too, feeling the fabric of her pants. 

The girl brought her legs to the side of the bed and slid off. She stood there, still for a few moments. She tilted her head and looked down, pulling her shirt up above her stomach. She rubbed and poked her stomach. 

*She’s realized the pain is gone. *

"Oh," she said quietly, her mouth freezing in the oh shape. While she rubbed her stomach with her right hand, she absentmindedly brought her claw hand up to her head. When she touched her hair, she said "ah!" and looked up as if she could see her hair. She brought her right hand up, running her fingers through the clean short cropped hair. She closed her eyes for a few moments, just feeling her hair, standing there, breathing. 

The girl opened her eyes and looked around. She walked to the door but it didn’t open for her. She stared at it so hard as though trying to will it open. It didn’t. She huffed. She stalked around the door. It didn’t open. So she walked the outside of the room, sliding her hand along the tops of the equipment and furniture. She picked up anything she could and inspected it. Each item got the same intense treatment; turned over and over, sniffed, and shook beside her ear. She muttered quietly, talking to herself in another language. Most items she placed back but something was tucked into the waist band of her pants. Dr Pulaski strained to see what it was and then tried to remember what had been left in the room. 

The girl seemed satisfied she’d gone through everything. She actually spun around in place and flopped her arms out in a loose shrug, pursing her lips together. She knelt down beside the counter she had hidden under five days ago and looked under. She made a "hmph" noise and stood up. She walked over to the bed and took the pillow and dragged the cover from the bed to the counter. She stuffed them underneath and crawled in herself. 

Dr Pulaski heard the movement and a metallic bang, followed by an "ow." She must have hit herself on the underside. Then it all went quiet. 

"Shit," the doctor said aloud. 

Dr Pulaski walked to the door, manually opening it with the panel next to it. She had deactivated the motion sensor. She stood at the door, allowing the noise to announce her arrival. She raised the lights. 

"Hello?" She quietly called out. 

Nothing was the response. She walked around the bed and got down on her hands and knees to see under the counter. She was met with the girl's intense blue stare, eyebrows furrowed. 

"Hello," she tried with a smile. 

The girl had the cover around her like a sleeping bag with just her head sticking out. 

"Will you come out?"

The girl gave no indication she was going to move. Just kept her gaze on Dr Pulaski's eyes. 

"Well shit," and the doctor sighed for the umpteenth time that day.


	4. Safe Space

Not for the first time in the last few days, Dr Pulaski found herself staring through the one way window into the med bay where the girl was. Not that she could be seen. After waking up following surgery, she clambered back under the counter and was still there, hiding. That was yesterday. 

Twice now, the doctor had gone in and sat on the floor by the bed and just spoke to her, read a bit of a book out loud and just did work on her padd. And not a peep came out from under the counter. 

She left glasses of water on the floor. They were always empty when she returned. 

Dr Pulaski opened the door and raised the lighting. She was going to try again. 

“Hello,” she said as she walked to her spot on the floor. She sat down, laying her book, padd and a nutrition drink next to her. She pushed the drink a little closer to the counter. It was a vanilla flavor, so fairly bland. 

She took a deep breath, “Hey. Please come out. You are safe here.” 

Nothing. 

Dr Pulaski leant down to look under the counter. As before, she was met with a blue stare. She was still wrapped up in the blanket. Her blond head peaking out. Though her eyes looked tired and there were deep shadows. *Is she too scared to sleep?*

The doctor smiled and said “You probably don’t understand me, huh?”

No response. 

“I brought you something to drink,” and she pushed the cup a little closer. Her smile wavered a bit and she sat back up. She really didn’t want to have to try to drag her out. Or transport her out. The doctor looked back under. 

The girl just blinked her blue eyes at her and seemed to shrink under the cover. 

Dr Pulaski stretched her legs out straight in front of her and picked up her book. It was some generic romance mystery she picked up last on Earth. She began to read it out. 

This went on for about twenty minutes when the doctor heard movement. *She’s coming out.* Even though her heart raced a bit, she stayed still and kept reading. Sounds of the blanket being pushed away with it rubbing on the metal were clear. 

Then a bit of a shuffle and the girl’s head poked out, sideways. Her steely eyes were fixed on Dr Pulaski. She could feel the gaze even without lifting her own from her book as she kept reading. 

The girl stayed that way for another twenty minutes and then began unfolding herself from under the counter. She was on her knees with her hands flat on the floor, like she was going to pounce. 

Or run. 

*Shit.* The door was open. She had put it on manual so the girl couldn’t activate the sensor and run out. And she forgot to close it.

Dr Pulaski stayed still and slowly looked up at her. "Hello," she tried again. 

She received a frown but the girl stayed primed to run. The girl looked ever so slightly at the open door. 

*Shit shit shit.*

Then she just stood up, slowly, like she had no care in the world. The girl kept her gaze on the doctor as she sauntered in an arch around her, towards the door. When she got near the door, she turned so her back stayed to a wall as she sidled up to the open portal. Dr Pulaski didn’t react but let her eyes follow the girl. 

The girl turned around and was through the doorway. Dr Pulaski twisted to watch and heard Mary say "oh hello there. Are you up and about?"

The girl backed cautiously back into the med bay. Her breathing had quickened and her shoulders were hunched. She put her back to the wall and looked back at the doctor. She seemed to go through an array of emotions with her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth moving, but there was no sound. She inched sideways along the wall till she came to the counter. When she came back to where she had been, she stopped. She stared at the doctor, who was still sitting on the floor with the book in her hand. 

The girl stared and stared, her expression puzzled. She just stared. *What is she looking for? What does she think I’ll do?* 

Suddenly the girl took a huge breath in and out. Her shoulders fell, her body relaxed and she slid down, sitting up cross legged. She placed her elbows on her knees and cocked her head at the doctor. Her eyebrows went up and down, then furrowed, very seriously. 

Dr Pulaski smiled at her. 

The girl sat up, her hands moving back on her skinny thighs. Her eyes narrowing. She leant back against the counter, letting it take her weight. Her blue eyes stayed trained on the doctor. She pulled at the neck of her t-shirt, lifting it up over her nose, smelling it. 

*She's waiting. She's testing to see what I do.* The doctor thought. She smiled again. And returned to reading the book. 

The girl sat there. Not moving. 

Then she glanced at the drink. She dipped a finger in it and tasted it. She repeated that, looking up at the ceiling as if deciding whether it tasted good. With a small shrug, she picked up the glass with both hands, peering in and smelling it. The girl sipped it, swirling it in her mouth before swallowing. She seemed to think about it before drinking it down. All at once. When the glass was empty, she held it above her head, tilted to allow the last few drops to fall into her waiting mouth before placing the glass down. She pushed it towards the doctor with her foot. 

Dr Pulaski had stopped reading and was openly watching the girl. *Extraordinary.*

The girl was then still again, just staring at her. So she read.

Soon her eyes began to droop. *She's exhausted and falling asleep.* She fought it, snapping her head up. But her blinking became more frequent, and slower. Her head dropping. Dr Pulaski kept reading. She needs to sleep. She needs medication, her doctor head said. So she kept reading, and made her voice monotone and boring. 

In about five minutes, the girl couldn’t fight it any longer. Her eyes closed and she slowly slid sideways down the counter, collapsing on the floor in a little lump. Her breathing slowed and she began to snore. Dr Pulaski kept reading for another five minutes to let this sleep settle in and be sure she was out. 

The girl was twisted, cross legged to her left. The doctor stopped reading and stayed quiet. The girl's breathing was thick and labored, possibly because of her position. But she was asleep. 

Dr Pulaski stood up and went to the door, quietly beckoning Mary and Jessica. She ordered a round of anti-biotic and nutrient hypo sprays to be prepared. She then went back to the girl and moved her to the recovery position as carefully as she could. She felt in her waistband and found the object she had picked up. It was Dr Pulaski's flashlight device she used to look into ears and eyes. It was old fashioned and unnecessary but she liked to use it because it gave her a physical sense of her patients. She must have left it when checking up on the girl. If a light source was important to her, Dr Pulaski was going to let her keep it so she tucked it back under her waistband. 

Mary arrived with the hypo sprays and they were administered. Full medical scans were done again. The girl wasn’t as malnourished but she had lost weight. She needed to drink and eat. She was only just five foot two inches and just seventy pounds. 

Dr Pulaski picked her up and placed her on the med bay bed. She was so little. She had recovered from the abdomen surgery with no issues. Her cheekbone was fine. But her intestinal tract still needed some help. Was that why she wouldn’t come out for food? She didn’t feel hungry. The doctor treated her and made sure she had enough nourishment for the day. Her left eye was tested again. Yes it was damaged and her sight was affected, short sighted. Dr Pulaski corrected it, careful not to wake her but it was surprizing she didn’t rouse with her eye being opened. It just showed how exhausted the girl was.

Jessica pulled out the pillow and cover from the girl’s hiding place. Dr Pulaski asked her to replace them with clean ones. When Jessica began to ask why, the doctor said, “It’s her place of safety. I don’t want to take it from her if she needs it again.” 

When she was done, Dr Pulaski tucked her in on the bed, making her comfortable. *Maybe she’ll stay here*. Lying on her back, her head turned, she wasn’t making any noise but she looked so vulnerable. She was so small. How did she survive on that planet? Dr Pulaski laid her hand gently on the girl's forehead. It was warm and her hair was soft. She smiled at her while she slept. Naturally this time. 

Dr Pulaski gathered up the medical instruments, lowered the lighting and left, shutting the door. She looked back through the window at the sleeping child, hoping she wouldn’t hide under the counter again. 

She slept for about four hours. 

That’s when the captain decided to show up. He walked in unannounced. That always prickled Dr Pulaski. She slowed him with a hand to his elbow and he stopped at the window. 

"So this girl does exist," he said, looking in at her, sleeping on the bed. "She’s smaller than I expected."

*And just what did you expect?* Dr Pulaski wasn’t sure what he had thought so said it out loud, "what did you expect?"

He stayed quiet, looking then said, "someone not so young and vulnerable I suppose."

"She’s fifteen."

He did a double take, eyes clearly surprized. "What?"

"Yes she’s fifteen. Her growth has been stunted because she’s not had enough to eat and lived in such god awful conditions. Amazing, isn’t it?"

"That’s not what I’d say. How’d she get this way? Where are her parents?"

"What? No "why did you bring her on board" crap? You see her and now you are concerned? Did you not believe me when I said she needed help?"

He cast his gaze down, sufficiently chastized. "I’m sorry, Kate. I couldn’t see her so I didn’t see her, I suppose. I’ve never seen a child so neglected and...." he trailed off. "What are you going to do with her now?"

"Well she’s only sleeping. I’m hoping she doesn’t hide again when she wakes but I don’t know. She needs more medical attention but it will take time. God, Michael, she doesn’t even speak English."

"I thought it was an Earth colony?"

"It was. But whatever language they speak it’s not standard." Dr Pulaski paused, "but I think I’m getting through. She came out for me earlier. Maybe she’s starting to trust me."

The girl twisted on the bed and cried out. A dream perhaps. Both the doctor and captain went into the room. 

The lights were still dimmed. Dr Pulaski said softly, "it’s OK. You’re safe."

The girl whipped around on the bed and saw them. Saw him. She froze. Her eyes wider than the doctor had ever seen. Her mouth open but no sound coming out. 

Then she jumped off the bed so quickly, she fell to the floor. She scampered across the smooth surface and ran for the open door. 

"What’s she doing?" the captain asked, dumbly. 

"She’s running," and the doctor followed her out, with the captain behind her. 

There was a loud crash. The girl had run into a misplaced chair and fell to the floor. When she stood up in her haste, she hit her head on the underneath of another bed. Crying out she fell down again, crawling under it instead. 

The captain bent down and reached under for her, taking her by her upper right arm and lifting her out from under the bed, her feet leaving the ground briefly. The girl looked at him and screamed. She kicked him in the legs and punched him the best she could with her clawed left hand. And she screamed at him. Course. Guttural. 

"For gods sake, Michael, let her go!"

The captain did and stepped back. He towered over the small girl, his six foot three frame. She stumbled backwards into a bed, shaking, staring up at him, shouting at him. Angry. And scared. 

He stepped back again, his face clearly confused. “What’s wrong?”

She stopped shouting and went quiet, her body still shaking. Her face loosing all color and her hands clenched together near her crotch. And she wet herself. If she noticed, it didn’t show as she didn’t move. Couldn’t move. Tears streaming down her face and dripping onto her shirt, staining it. 

*She's petrified.*

"Michael, go to my office. Now."

For once he just did what she asked. Once he was out of sight, Mary and Jessica moved as one to another med bay room. 

Dr Pulaski looked at the girl, still staring where the captain had disappeared. She could smell the acidity of the girl's urine soaked pants. It made the girl's terrified stance so much more visceral. It cut to the doctor's core. 

The doctor walked slowly and spoke quietly, trying to calm her. She gently laid her hand on the girl's left shoulder causing her to flinch and move her attention to the doctor. Her shoulder was sharp and boney under under her touch. 

"You are OK. You are safe here," she said, putting as much empathy and meaning into the words that she hoped they would transcend the language barrier. She kept her hand on her shoulder, knowing she may not have wanted to be touched but she needed the girl to know she did not have to be afraid of her touch. 

The girl looked into Dr Pulaski's eyes, her body shaking, every bone screaming out. The doctor had expected this kind of reaction to happen eventually, what with the abuse the girl had experienced. She had expected more but this was the first sign. *It certainly won’t be the last.*

Not sure what to do, Dr Pulaski kept her touch with the child and held her gaze with what she hoped was concern and compassion. The girl held and latched onto the doctor's eyes. She began breathing again normally and the tears stopped streaming down her face. She had cut her forehead with a stream of blood rolling down her cheek, mixing with the tears. They just stood there like that for about ten minutes, then the girl seemed to realize that she had wet herself and looked down. She made a whiny noise, covering the wet area of her pants with her hands and looked up at Dr Pulaski, embarrassment in her eyes. 

Dr Pulaski shook her head no and said, "don’t worry about that. It's OK. You have done nothing wrong. We'll get you cleaned up." With that, she directed it to where Mary and Jessica has disappeared. 

The doctor turned the girl towards the sickbay bathroom by her shoulders and walked her there. Her head was hung low and her arms loosely swinging by her sides like she had given up. Dr Pulaski patted her back, "Come on now, you don’t get to give up that easily."

The girl turned and looked up at the doctor. Her eyes squeezed closed and her brows knitted together. She made a strange sound with her voice that led Dr Pulaski to think she did not understand what had been said. The doctor smiled. 

Once in the bathroom, Dr Pulaski filled the bathtub with some warm water and put some soap in it. She indicated for the girl to get in and went to the door to step outside. The girl was amazed, mouth open. She looked down at the water and swirled her hands in it. It looked like she had never seen so much water before as she did double takes from the doctor back to the bathtub. 

"That’s for you. Hop in and enjoy. Just don’t drink it," the doctor said. Jessica arrived with fresh clothing for the girl and silently handed it to the doctor. She nodded thanks and placed the clothes next to the bath, getting the attention of the girl with a gentle tap to her elbow. 

Dr Pulaski moved away to the door, standing in the other direction. She heard a splash and a squeal from the girl and hoped she had taken her clothes off first. But she didn’t look, and the sounds coming from the bathroom were sounds of wonderment. After a few minutes the room quietened so the doctor turned around. She saw the girl sitting in the bathtub, dressed in her clothing, doing absolutely nothing. 

Doing nothing. 

Just sitting there. Staring into space. 

Then her head began to fall. She was falling asleep. Again. 

The doctor rushed in there and caught her head before it went under the water. She laid her back in the tub. She looked so serene it was disorientating as she gently cleaned her face. Dr Pulaski called out for Mary and Jessica. They came in and helped her lift the girl out and redress her. Her new shirt was a marbled blue color, to match her eyes the doctor thought. And the girl was carried back to her med bay and tucked up. She turned over and snored. The doctor left the room, dimming the lights once again.

Standing at the one way window, Dr Pulaski was joined by the captain. He stood there in silence and watched the girl sleep for a while. 

"What the hell just happened, Kate?"


	5. Tasha

*"What the hell just just happened, Kate?"*

Dr Pulaski forbade anyone except her, Mary and Jessica from entering the girl's med bay. That was two days ago. And there hadn’t been anymore incidents. 

Oh the girl was still hiding under the counter but she had been coming out more. 

More. 

The doctor has been spending more time in the room. Sometimes she would sit on the bed, sometimes on the floor. She continued to read aloud, do her work there, anything. The girl would watch, quietly, from her space under the counter. She would scoot closer to the edge so she was in view and close her eyes to listen. Sometimes she would crawl out and sit there too, mirroring Dr Pulaski's position. She never made a peep. She would drink the water and nourishment beverages the doctor brought. But she would just look at the food, push the plate away with her foot. 

The first day, she clambered out clumsily, stood up and mimed needing to urinate. Dr Pulaski smiled and beckoned for her to follow and walked out to the bathroom. The girl did, slowly, staying behind but stopping up short at the door. She looked out and waited. The doctor waved her over. The girl stood there for what seemed like ages. Her face was anxious, biting her lips, eyes darting about. Finally she ran to where the doctor was and looked into the bathroom. When she saw it was empty she went in. The doctor turned around to give her some privacy. When the sounds stopped, she turned back and the girl was waiting. Looking up at her. The doctor smiled at her. The girl just cocked her head and frowned. So Dr Pulaski just headed back to the med bay. The girl didn’t follow instantly but ran as soon as Dr Pulaski was inside. She skidded to a stop and flopped back down on the floor. The next time she needed to urinate, she stood by the door until the doctor walked with her. 

The second day, Dr Pulaski was sitting on the bed, reading aloud. The girl had been curled up on her side by the counter, eyes on the doctor. Every few moments, Dr Pulaski looked up and smiled at her before continuing. Then the girl sat up, looking at her feet, her hands and lifted her shirt to look at her stomach, the flashlight visible in her waistband. She felt her face. Her eyes were scrunched up as if she was thinking through something. The girl must have come to a conclusion as she stood up and sauntered over to the bed. 

She laid her hands palms down on the bed and felt it. The bed came up to level with her hips. She lifted her right knee up, placed it on the mattress and with her arms pushed herself up, swivelled herself around and sat with her legs handing off. 

The doctor was so surprized, she missed a paragraph and tried to cover it. Oh the girl couldn’t understand her anyway. She sat there, swinging her legs, head down. 

Dr Pulaski continued reading but she was now distracted. What did the girl want? What’s on her mind? *Why’s she sitting next to me?*

The girl then looked at Dr Pulaski. She looked like she had a question. She said a few words that the doctor couldn’t understand. So the doctor put down the book, left her hands by her sides and waited. The girl tilted her head, thinking. She then pointed to the cut on her forehead and poked it, saying "ow." She lifted her shirt and poked at her stomach saying "ow." She spoke some more and then shook her head no, poking her stomach, "ow."

Dr Pulaski thought that was very clear, raising her eyebrows. The girl was saying her stomach doesn’t hurt anymore. She shook her head no and said, "no, it doesn’t hurt anymore. I fixed it."

The girl listened, held onto those words and said "no ow."

Dr Pulaski laughed out loud. "Yes. No ow."

The girl frowned hard, possibly because of the strange reaction the doctor had. She mumbled something. She poked at her cheek, "no ow."

The doctor smiled, "I fixed that too."

The girl looked at her, blinking, thinking. She squeezed her right eye shut and pointed at her left eye, "no ow." 

Dr Pulaski was still smiling, she nodded. 

The girl held her left hand up, her clawed hand, grabbed it with her right, squeezing it and said, "ow ow." She let go and tried to move her fingers, her eyebrows popping up and said "ow." The doctor reached out and took it gently, "I know that hurts. I will fix this."

She let her hold her hand, humming quietly. A moment passed. Silence. She picked her right leg up and brought her foot to her, holding her ankle, "ow." She looked up at Dr Pulaski with hopeful eyes. 

Dr Pulaski touched her foot lightly with a tap, "I’ll fix this too."

There was a another moment of stillness as the girl seemed to think. She lowered her foot down and disappeared, shrinking inward. Slowly, she lifted her face up, opened her mouth and pointed to her missing teeth, "ow." She looked embarrassed. Dr Pulaski's heart fluttered. "Sweetie, I’ll fix that too." 

The girl thought this through, and nodded. 

Silence. 

Stillness. 

Then she reached out and shyly touched the book the doctor had been reading, lowered her head, holding the bed with her hands, swinging her legs. 

Dr Pulaski stopped herself from stroking the girl's hair, but picked up the book and continued to read instead. 

The third day Dr Pulaski was sitting on the floor when the girl decided to come out. She crawled over and sat beside the doctor on the floor. She picked up the glass of water, peered inside, drank it all and placed it down. She then looked up expectantly at the doctor. 

The doctor wondered why she always peered into the glass when the glass was clear. 

*What’s her name? Does she have a name?*

She had a thought. 

The doctor pointed to her self and said “Kate Pulaski.” She then pointed to the girl, who frowned and shook her head. 

“No.”

*OK. I’m confused. No?*

The doctor did it again. “Kate Pulaski.”

“No.”

Now the doctor raised her eyebrows. 

The girl said “Doc-tor’” emphasizing both syllables, pointing at Dr Pulaski. 

The doctor was flabbergasted. *Shit. She does listen.* She nodded and smiled. She pointed at the girl and raised both hands in a what gesture. 

The girl seemed to mull this over, breathing heavily. *Has she forgotten? Has she ever had a name?*

Time stretched. 

Finally she came to a decision. She looked the doctor straight in the eye and said “Tasha,” pointing to herself. 

“Tasha,” the doctor repeated. 

Tasha.


	6. Puzzled Safety

Tasha. 

Tasha still slept under the counter. The doctor tried to make the bed more inviting, a softer pillow and warmer blanket, but these just got dragged under and hidden. 

There had been a little confusion at first. Tasha had said, "Tatha." So Dr Pulaski assumed that was her name and kept calling her "Tatha." Tasha gave her a hard look and over-enunciated "Taa-tha!" 

"Yes, Tatha."

The girl hit her head. "No! Ta-THA!"

Her eyes were scrunched close and her brows furrowed angrily. 

"Oh," and the bomb dropped. She had a lisp, perhaps because of her missing   
front teeth. "Tasha."

Tasha blew out her breath and threw her arms out, like, "YES YES!"

It made the doctor smile. Tasha. 

It seemed that name hasn’t been spoken for a long while by the girl. 

So with a name, Tasha seemed to have become more expressive. Maybe it was just Dr Pulaski but she was more animated, more communicative. Maybe the girl was becoming more relaxed with the doctor. Maybe she was getting used to being in a safe environment. Maybe it was all of these things. 

Maybe it was now the girl had an identity. 

But the doctor was finding she was spending all of her time in sickbay. To be near the girl. 

This morning she found Tasha already out and walking around her room. She was talking to herself and looking at everything. 

Again. 

She was becoming more bold. But then again no one other than the three female medical staff have been to see her. Was that why? 

Dr Pulaski walked in. 

"Doc-tor!"

Tasha looked at her and then picked something up, speaking in her language, wiggling the item. Wiggling her eyebrows. It was an empty hypospray. She thought to speak to her staff about leaving these items in Tasha's room but then thought that they maybe just as enamoured with her as she is. The hypospray was useless anyway. 

The problem was that Tasha never spoke enough at once for the universal translator to kick in. She would only ever say a few words, or they would be such strong slang and couldn’t be translated. The doctor almost appreciated this because it made Tasha pay more attention. She actively listened and tried to understand. The girl was trying to learn. To learn English. To learn to speak with the doctor. 

And that intrigued her. That a girl with such a disadvantaged upbringing would be so keen to learn. So motivated. 

Well no apparent upbringing at all. Tasha seemed to have grown up alone as evidenced by her maturity.

The doctor took the empty hypospray from the child and said "no it’s useless," putting it in her jacket pocket. Tasha almost looked sad as she watched it disappear. She held her hand out and said, “Tatha?” pointing at it in the doctor’s pocket. 

The doctor, chuckled, “no, doctor.”

Tasha did a big sigh and dropped her shoulders. Then continued looking around. 

Dr Pulaski was then very intrigued to see what Tasha had been able to gather up and conceal in her little hideaway under the counter. The tri-corder she placed out on Day One had disappeared. There was no way of knowing without invading the girl’s privacy. And she was not going to do that. 

Tasha had been aboard now for eight days. It seemed longer. She was still so skinny, her blue shirt hanging off her boney shoulders, her chest and stomach flat. When she turned around, the doctor could clearly see her shoulder blades cutting through the fabric. The loose pants concealed her thin legs. Her face didn’t look so drawn now and her cheeks had a little color but she was still very pale. Her cropped blond hair was flattened on one side from sleeping under the counter, spiky the other. 

But her blues eyes now sparkled with curiosity. 

*We have to find her something to do.*

As if her thought were an request, Mary appeared at the door. She was holding a cardboard box. "Hello, Tasha," she said without walking in. 

Tasha backed up and away, becoming a little too serious, "Mar-ee."

"Good morning, Mary."

"Morning, doctor." They tended to call each other the names Tasha had picked up when around her. Mary looked at Tasha and smiled. "Tasha, I brought you something." She shook the box causing the contents to shuffle about. 

Tasha's eyebrows shot up and she hummed, standing up on her toes. She was definitely intrigued. She clumsily stepped forward, her right damaged foot causing her to stumble. Mary walked to the bed and placed the box on it, stepping back. The doctor saw it was a puzzle. The picture on the top was of a vivid landscape with a colorful sunset. 

The women watched as Tasha touched the box, gently pushed it around. She picked it up and turned it over, flinching slightly when the contents shifted inside. She stood it up on its side, feeling the edges. Turned it back up and looked closely at the picture, tracing the lines with her finger, making small noises. Tasha shook the box, frowning. She knew there was something inside but she couldn’t figure out how to get in. She turned and turned the box, feeling the edges when her fingers slipped between the overlap along the side. She looked closely at that and then pulled with her hand. The top half came up and she pulled it off. The contents spilled out onto the bed, some falling on the floor. The puzzle pieces. 

"Oh!" Tasha exclaimed. She picked a small piece up, twisting it between her fingers. She looked down and saw the pieces on the floor, "oh." She squatted and picked up each piece, placing it into her clawed left hand, standing and dropping them with the rest. Tasha pushed the pieces around and seemed to notice that one side had color and the other was plain. She turned them all color side up. Then she saw some had straight edges and began separating them. From one of the two piles, she pulled out the pieces with two straight edges, the four corner pieces. She looked from the pieces to the picture and back again, starting to arrange the pieces. 

That was it. Tasha was so concentrated on the puzzle, she forgot about the women. They moved away towards the window. 

"That was a great idea."

"Yeah, I thought she’d like it. A bit more of a challenge than just looking around the room again. And I remember my younger brother loving them. That one is only three hundred pieces. I have two more but larger with twice as many pieces."

Tasha already had some segments together, humming quietly to herself, just tuneless noise. 

"You may have to bring them in sooner than you think."

They left her there, ensconced in her world. And left the door open.


	7. Rescued, Safe?

The door to Tasha's med bay was left open now when there was staff in sick bay. She would only come out when there was no one else present. And she hid under the counter if a male came in. 

Dr Pulaski came in to her office the next morning and Tasha was sitting in her chair. At her desk. She had her knees pulled up to her chest sitting sideways in the chair playing with the flash light she had picked up. 

Click. Click. 

Click. Click. 

Playing with the shadows she made on the wall. 

"Morning, Tasha.

Big eyes and high eyebrows met her. "Doc-tor!" Slowly, she put her left foot on the edge of the desk and pushed, causing the chair to swivel around. Without smiling, Tasha looked pleased with herself for having discovered this effect. 

Dr Pulaski laughed heartily. *God this girl was funny.* "Very good, Tasha."

Tasha cocked her head at the doctor's reaction. *She's reacted this way before when I’ve laughed. Does she not know what laughing is?* She then spun herself around again. And again. And again. And again.

"You better be careful, you’ll make yourself sick," the doctor advised, looking at her desk monitor for today's schedule. 

Tasha spun herself around a few more times then tried to get up. She stumbled sideways but couldn’t stand straight, "oh oh oh." Before she could topple over, Dr Pulaski grabbed her upper arms to hold her up. 

Tasha screamed and went rigid. The doctor let go immediately, startled by the reaction. She hadn’t thought, just tried to keep her from falling. Tasha lost her balance and fell to the floor, curling up, panting herself into hyperventilating. 

Dr Pulaski got down on her knees and spoke quietly, "Tasha, it’s ok. You are ok."

Tasha peeked up at her, repeating "OK OK OK OK." She slowly sat up, shook herself and her head, "ah OK."

Tasha stood up, still a bit dizzy and said to the doctor, "Tatha Ooh-Kay," and swayed out. 

"Well, that's good then," the doctor said to herself and stood. She followed the girl who went straight to her med bay. The puzzle was there, about three quarters done. She immediately threw her attention into the puzzle. It was her second. The other was assembled and had been carefully relocated to the counter top. Apparently the bed was for putting them together on. Dr Pulaski replicated a glass of water for the child and left her to it. 

It was about fifteen minutes later when she heard his voice. She was at her desk. Dr Pulaski jumped up and rushed into sick bay. The captain was just approaching the door to Tasha's room. 

"Michael, no, don’t go in there," she said firmly. 

Either he was already committed, didn’t hear her or ignored her, but the captain walked in first. The doctor was a close second, reaching for his arm to pull him back. 

Tasha froze where she was standing by the bed, hands out in mid-puzzle placement. 

He walked right up to the other side, appraised the puzzle, smiled and said, "what’s this then?"

Her face drained of color. 

Tasha backed away, her hands shaking, dropping the puzzle pieces she held. He towered over her. 

"Michael, I told you not to come in here."

"She’s going to have to see me eventually, Kate."

"But not yet. She’s not ready." Dr Pulaski kept her eyes on Tasha. She was getting ready to run. 

Then she did. And quick she was, even with her damaged right foot. The long way around the bed, past a spinning doctor and out the door. Dr Pulaski gave a killer look to the captain and ran after the girl. 

Tasha ran straight through sick bay and out into the corridor. She screamed when she ran into someone and went the other way. She tried every door, banging on them when they wouldn’t open. Dr Pulaski only had to jog to keep up as Tasha was making an obstacle course out of the crew, stumbling every so often. But she kept running. 

*Where does she think she’s going" *

When the doctor came around the corner, the girl was out of sight. She opened each door looking in when one opened on sensor. *This one.*

"Tasha?"

This room was an office but was unoccupied. Except for a skinny little orphan. Tasha was standing before a wall length window, staring out into space. Her arms were limp by her sides. Her light on the floor. Her mouth open. And her eyes wide. And crying. She hiccuped. Tears streaming down her face. 

"Tasha?"

Tasha turned to the doctor, clearly distressed. She pointed and put her hand on the window, speaking quickly in her language. Her left hand was moving in circles at her side. Dr Pulaski stepped towards Tasha and stopped a couple feet away. Tasha was stuttering now, crying. 

"Tasha, we’re in space. You are not on your home world anymore." She didn’t know how to explain it to the girl. The view into space was tremendous with the stars in the background and a nebula far in the distance. Then there was just the vastness of black space. 

Head down, the girl was whispering to herself, lost in whatever was going through her head. 

Then, Tasha stopped talking and faced the window. She put both palms flat on it and rested her forehead against the transparent aluminum. She was quiet. The doctor was quiet. Only the sound of Tasha’s breathing could be heard and her occasional hiccup. She stayed that way for what seemed like forever. 

"Sweetie, come here."

No response. 

"Tasha, my sweet girl, come here."

Tasha slowly, slowly pushed herself away from the window and turned to the doctor. Her eyes were bright blue and red rimmed. Her face tear streaked. The top of her shirt damp. She wiped the back of her forearm across her nose. And stepped towards the doctor. She stopped about a half a foot away and hung her head. The doctor was just about to reach out....

Tasha leant forward and placed her face against the doctor's chest. She left her arms limp at her sides. And just leaned into the doctor. 

Dr Pulaski kept her arms down though she desperately wanted to hold the child. She lowered her head to rest her cheek on the top of Tasha's head, breathing in the musky scent of her hair. 

"My poor sweet girl," she whispered. 

Tasha didn’t know she wasn’t on her home world anymore. She didn’t know she was in a starship, warping through space. She didn’t know what space was. 

*How on earth do I explain this to her? How do I tell her we've taken her away? Rescued her? Saved her?*


	8. Both, Safe

Dr Pulaski watched Tasha from the door. They only returned to the room a few minutes ago. Tasha was distracted and had shrunk inside herself. She was sitting cross legged on the bed, carelessly pushing the pieces to her puzzle around. At least she didn’t climb under the counter to hide away. 

*Tasha was leaning into the doctor. This was the first time she initiated any form of contact. As much as the doctor wanted to hold the girl, she just kept her cheek on her head. Let her do this on her terms.*

*Tasha just stood there, breathing and still. Time passed. The girl lifted her head and stepped back. Her gaze was down and she turned away towards the window. She started mumbling and held her hands up, gesturing at the window. Then she sat down, cross legged as close to the window as she could. Tasha touched the the window, drawing circles with her fingers. She turned her face up to the doctor, eyes confused and pleading, flattening her hand on the window, speaking, asking Dr Pulaski something. *

*Something she couldn’t understand. How can she answer the girl's questions when she doesn’t know what she’s asking?*

*Dr Pulaski sat down, leaning against the window so Tasha could look at both her and see out. *

*Tasha, do you know where you are from? What your home was called?*

*Tasha blinked and her expression was blank.*

*You were born on Turkana Four. That’s where we found you. Where I found you. We took you from there and brought you here, on board this starship. And now we’re in space, far away from Turkana Four.*

*Tasha blinked and her expression was still blank.*

*Tasha, you were being hurt. I had to take you away.*

*Tasha dropped her head, shook it, shrugged and looked up. Her blue eyes were cloudy with confusion. She wagged her hands, gesturing something, saying something then smacked her head. Dr Pulaski reached out and took her hands, gently, softly.*

*Tasha, Tasha, no stop. I know you don’t understand what I’m saying but you will. You will. You are safe. You are Ok.*

*Tasha collapsed forward, groaning. The doctor thought she was so dramatic and smiled. But she would have a lot to go through at some point. So much to face. The doctor could see how difficult it was because of the language barrier. But she had to find a way to listen to Tasha when she spoke.*

*Dr Pulaski reached out and messed up Tasha’s cropped blond hair. Tasha wiggled her head and sat up, pushing the doctor away with a foot. The doctor laughed and fell back against the window. Tasha tapped the window and gazed out. She fell quiet and just sat there. Dr Pulaski smiled sadly and they just sat there.*

*After about half an hour of sitting there, the doctor's legs were getting cramped. She could see Tasha's skinny body start to shake a bit. She must be getting cold. Her med bay was kept at a higher temperature than most of the ship. She picked up the child’s flashlight and placed it in her lap. It took another ten minutes or so but the doctor gently coaxed Tasha up and to walk with her. As Tasha had her head down, shoulders slumped and so close to the doctor that she bumped into her, drifting, she didn’t see Dr Pulaski wave anybody ahead away. It just appeared there was no one in the corridor.*

And then Tasha just climbed onto her bed where she still was. Unnaturally quiet. No mumbling. No tuneless humming. 

The doctor rolled her chair in and sat near the bed, going through medical records on her padd. If Tasha noticed she didn’t show. And not one puzzle piece was placed. Just pushed around. The glass of water Dr Pulaski had set near her untouched. Her body radiated despondency. So the doctor just sat near to be there when needed. 

Tasha reached out without looking at the water. She tried to pick it up with her left hand. It fell to the floor, smashing the glass and liquid spilling. Both Tasha and the doctor were startled. Tasha looked at the mess then at her hand. Her eye brows furrowed down and her cheeks became red. She started hitting her left hand with her right, crushing it against the mattress with every thump. She shouted angrily, punctuating each strike. 

Dr Pulaski rushed to her, trying to cradle the girl's left hand, "oh no Tasha, don’t hurt yourself."

Tasha didn’t pull her hand away but she kicked the puzzle pieces off the bed with her feet, shouting. She climbed off the bed, uncoordinated and clumsy, taking her hand from the doctor's caress, shaking her head, mumbling, quietly fuming. She swiped clean clothing off the counter, hit a worktop and looked around. Tasha went to the doctor's chair and pushed it but it just rolled away, spinning slightly. She threw her hands up, hot tears beginning to roll from her eyes. Without a glance to the doctor, she rushed to the counter and clambered under, sharp mumbled sounds coming out after her. *Swearing. In her language.*

Then all was quiet. 

Doctor Pulaski walked over and got down on her hands and knees, then lowered herself to her stomach, to see under. She wasn’t met with the stern blue stare she expected. Tasha was under her cover, on her stomach, face turned to the wall. All the doctor could see was the shock of pale blond hair sticking out above the cover. But she was breathing. 

Sigh. 

“Doctor, what happened?"

It was Mary. Dr Pulaski rolled over and sat up. Mary was standing beside the bed, concerned. 

"The captain shouldn’t have come in here. She’s not ready." What was she trying to say? "She found a window and saw out into space. She knows she’s not home anymore." Or does she? She wasn’t a psychologist. "Trauma, Mary. She's possibly reliving what happened, thinking about it, I don’t know. I can’t communicate with her."

"But you do, Doctor. You do listen to her. That’s why it’s you, she trusts you, talks to you. She doesn’t do that with me!"

"But then what happened?"

"Tasha just saw that she’s not in the world she always knew. She probably never thought there was anywhere else. Or any other way to live. So just let her live. Let her feel whatever she needs to feel. You know she’s safe to do that here. Whatever she goes though, she will have you at the end. So you will do the right thing."

Dr Pulaski stared at Mary. "Oh thank you."

"Kate, come on. You know I think a lot of you. This girl trusts you. Maybe the first person she has trusted, ever. Just do what you do, Ok?"

"Ok." 

Mary turned to leave. Dr Pulaski turned to Tasha's counter. She scooted closer. "Mary, can you get me a pillow?"

"Of course." She was only gone a moment. A pillow was placed in her hands. "I’m out in the office if you need me. Doctor.”

Mary left with a smile. 

Doctor

Doc-tor. 

Dr Pulaski placed the pillow on the floor and laid down on her side, gazing at the back of Tasha's head. *What can I do? What do I need to do? She’s here because of me."*

......She was walking on a blue planet and fell to the side. She looked around and fell to the side again. Blue fog came in too quickly to be real and....

Dr Pulaski opened her eyes. 

Blue eyes. 

She was lying on her side, and there was a gentle stroke to her right temple. Focus.....focus.....she saw blue eyes staring at her.

Tasha took her hand back. She was laying near the edge of the counter, on her stomach, looking at the doctor. Focus. Her eyes were big and full of concern. 

*Damn I fell asleep.*

"Doc-tor?"

Focus. 

She rolled onto her back. Oh-umph. *Way too old to sleep on the floor.* 

A clumsy hand on her shoulder, touching lightly with a hard first touch. 

Tasha. 

The doctor rolled her head to the side. 

Tasha. 

Her bright blue eyes, staring, gazing at her. 

Tasha. 

Her hand resting heavily by her cheek before pulling it back. It was her left hand. 

Tasha. 

“Doc-tor?”

"Hello, Tasha. What do you want to do?"

"Hmm?" Tasha raised her eyebrows and made an exaggerated look around. She sidled out from under the counter without touching the doctor. She stood up and held her arms up, saying something quietly, shaking her head. Then she sat down between the doctor and the counter with her knees tucked up tight against her chest. She lightly touched the doctor’s shoulder. 

“OH-KAY. Doc-tor sleep, Tatha,” and she pointed at her eyes and motioned around. She said “sleep” in an exaggerated way. It sounded like THLEEEEEP, partly because of her missing teeth. 

Dr Pulaski realized Tasha had never actually used that word. She must have heard it. And then that Tasha thought she wanted to sleep and she would keep look out. 

To keep Her safe. 

“Thank you, Tasha.” 

Tasha just dipped her head in response and set her gaze around the room, towards the door, seriously. 

*Why not take a nap? Show the child I trust her.*

On her back, Dr Pulaski interlaced her hands on her stomach and closed her eyes. She felt movement next to her and opened an eye. She saw Tasha pulling the cover from her hiding place and then she was laying it on top of the doctor, a little clumsy but covered her from neck to toe, patting her shoulder. 

“Sleep.”

"THLEEEEEP."


	9. Safe

Humming. 

Tuneless humming. 

Pain in her lower back.

Opening her eyes, she saw boney ankles. Attached to skinny legs. 

*Oh yes.*

Tasha was standing at the bed putting her puzzle together. Dr Pulaski had fallen asleep on the floor. And as usual....

"Ah, doc-tor!" Tasha exclaimed when she saw she had woken up. Then Tasha waved her hands around saying something and punctuated it with a definitive nod and silence. 

*OK then. Time to get up.*

With great difficulty, Dr Pulaski rolled to her side and began the arduous task of standing. Sleeping on the sickbay floor really was not for her. How did this girl do it everyday?

"Thank you, Tasha. I needed that sleep."

Tasha just wiggled her head from side to side and shrugged. 

*Yeah, she didn’t know what was said.*

But the girl picked up her empty cup and extended it to the doctor. "More water" her eyes said. 

Dr Pulaski took the cup and wondered why she would drink copious amounts of water but would not eat food. Nutrient supplements were definitely going into this. 

As she passed, the doctor tapped the puzzled and nodded at Tasha, hoping it showed her approval. Tasha just blankly watched her leave the room with her cup. 

That night Tasha still slept under the counter. Though she didn’t go under until the doctor came to say good night.

Dr Pulaski knocked at the open door and looked in. Tasha was just sitting on the counter top. She turned her gaze to the doctor. 

"Hey, Tasha. I am off to bed now. Is there anything I can get you?"

Tasha looked at her. And looked at her. She slid off the counter top and took one step towards the doctor. Tasha raised her up turned hands at her and froze. 

The doctor panicked. 

*What does she want? What does she expect? What do I do? She’s asking for something and I don’t know what it is? What does she need?*

The doctor's breath quickened as she thought. Maybe Tasha noticed because she lowered her hands and stepped again towards the doctor. She cocked her head to the side and said something. She then rubbed her shaved hair at the back of her neck, shrugged and went to her counter. Briefly glancing at the doctor, Tasha clambered under the counter and disappeared. 

Frozen, Dr Pulaski pulled her head back. She shook it. And then went straight to the floor in front of Tasha's counter. She looked under. Tasha was there waving her hand at her, as if to say "go away." She popped back up. 

*Well OK then*.

"Good night, Tasha."

"Doc-tor!" Was said from the underneath. 

Shaking her head smiling, Dr Pulaski dimmed the lights and left the room. This girl was definitely a character. Tasha was worming her way into the doctor's heart. And she needed that to stop.

So she replicated a cup of water and left it on the floor beside the counter. 

Following that, Tasha seemed to seek out the doctor. The next day she was ready and poked her head out of her med bay door when Dr Pulaski entered sickbay. 

"Doc-tor!"

"Hello Tasha. Did you sleep well?"

Tasha did her squinty eyes and shrugged her shoulders. She didn’t know what was said but she walked out and stood next to the doctor, looking up at her. 

Dr Pulaski forgot what to do. Or how to respond. Or what to do. Or what it was like to have a child. Of which she had one but that was so long ago. 

She managed, "yes, Tasha?"

Tasha dropped her head, placed her hands over her crotch and wiggled. 

*OH CRAP! She needs to go to the bathroom!*

The doctor quickly shook herself out of her fog and ushered the girl to the bathroom and turned away. When it was quiet, Dr Pulaski turned around to meet Tasha standing there, looking up at her. The doctor smiled. Tasha just ducked her head and ran around her, back to her room. 

Slowly following, Dr Pulaski replicated a cup of water and a bowl of chicken soup, her special recipe. She walked into Tasha's room. Tasha had her back to her, arranging something on her counter top. 

"What's that you got there, Tasha?"

Tasha lifted her arm and looked under it, back at the doctor. She quickly gathered whatever it was and hid it under her shirt, tucking it in her waistband. She looked innocently up at her, then reached for the cup. 

Wondering what Tasha had, Dr Pulaski relinquished the cup and placed the bowl of soup on the counter. She held the spoon out to the girl, who raised her eyebrows in curiosity. Tasha drank the water down greedily and reached for the spoon with her left hand. Dribbling the water down her shirt, she half turned away, holding the spoon up for inspection. Distracted, she put the cup on the counter, turning the spoon around. She put the spoon in her mouth and held it in the front against her toothless gum, closing her mouth. She shut her eyes briefly, seeming to enjoy the coolness of the metal on her gums. Tasha removed the spoon, holding it tightly by the side of her body and turned back to the doctor. Whatever she had hidden under her shirt was poking out the fabric at her stomach. 

Dr Pulaski wondered if the spoon would be added to the collection. 

"Here, Tasha, eat some soup."

Tasha came over, stood on her tip toes and peered at the soup. She sniffed it and pulled back, making a "blah" sound. 

"No."

Confused, "but you haven’t even tried it."

"No."

And with the spoon in her hand, she went back to her water. 

And that was that with the chicken soup. 

Later, the doctor was sitting at her desk, reading the crew medicals when movement distracted her. She looked up and saw Tasha standing by the desk. 

"Hello, Tasha.' She smiled and tried to look open and inviting. 

Tasha gazed at her and pointed to her chair. 

The doctor’s chair. 

*Does she want to sit in my chair?*

Dr Pulaski dumbly stood up and stepped to the side. Tasha glanced at her briefly and sat heavily in the chair. 

*Oh My God! She did an actual AH!"*

Tasha curled up into the seat and pushed herself around off of the doctor’s desk with her foot, spinning. And spinning. 

She's playing. 

The doctor smiled and watched the girl spin herself around. When she stopped, her head swayed from being dizzy but then she spun herself again and made a sound that almost resembled a giggle. Dr Pulaski smiled and shook her head. 

Tasha was playing. 

Had the child ever done anything just for the enjoyment of it? Had she ever played before? Up until now, everything Tasha seemed to do was to survive. Find a hiding place to sleep. Make it safe. Gather up tools. Explore and know her surroundings. Run from danger. Drink water. Copious amounts of water. Was she finally beginning to relax? 

Dr Pulaski pulled the visitor chair forward and sat in that, turning the desk monitor around, while Tasha played in her chair. She had to concentrate with her work as Tasha was distracting. Not that she was doing anything to act distracting. She just kept spinning herself around, making small noises. She’d stop, swivel around away from the doctor and play with what she had tucked away. She’d stop, lean forward and look at the items on the doctor's desk. But she stayed in the office for about a hour, just playing by herself. 

Just being a child. 

Then Dr Pulaski realized Tasha was standing, by the desk, watching her. For a moment she was weirded out. Tasha had managed to stop spinning, stand and move forward so quietly the doctor didn’t notice. Scary but at least the child didn’t look like she was going to kill her. The doctor wasn’t sure why she thought that as Tasha had not shown any violent behavior at all. 

The doctor placed the padd in her lap, smiled and said, "Yes, Tasha?"

Tasha tilted her head and began to pull out the items she had concealed under her shirt. She placed them carefully in a row on the doctor's desk, straightening them. Tasha pointed at the doctor, then her contraband, wagging her finger saying "no no."

*Do not touch. Funny seeing as they are mine.*

"Ok Tasha. I won’t touch your things."

Tasha squinted one eye and pulled her mouth to the side. She then picked up the flashlight, asking something. 

"Do you want to know what that is?"

Tasha dropped her arms, flashlight still in hand and froze. Her head dropped forward. She closed her eyes and shook her head, shook her upper body and breathed out audibly. She then opened her eyes and held the flashlight out again, asking her question. 

*She’s acting like she’s suffering fools. Keep it simple, Kate.*

Smiling, the doctor said, "what’s this?"

Serious now, Tasha looked at the doctor's mouth and wiggled the flashlight again. 

"What’s this."

"Whatthh thith?" Tasha repeated, enunciating slowly. 

"Yes. What’s this."

With a little more confidence, Tasha asked "Whattthh thith?" holding up the flashlight. 

"It’s a flashlight. It makes light."

"Flath light."

"Flashlight."

Tasha turned it on and shined the light on the doctor's chest. "Whatthh thith?"

"Light."

"Flath light," and clicking the light on, "light."

"Yes. That’s correct, Tasha." 

"Aaahh." Tasha placed the instrument down, "Flath light."

She then picked up another and held it up, eyes big and inquisitive, "Whatthh thith?"

Dr Pulaski's chest tightened. She loved these moments with Tasha. Quiet but full of questions. Tasha was reaching out and wanting to learn. The doctor felt it was going to be all right. 

She looked at the instrument carefully, but she knew what it was instantly. How did she get that? 

"That is a hypospray."

"Hyypo thpray."

She said it so cute. "Yes. Hypospray."

"Whatthh thith?" Still holding out the hypospray. 

"Well, it injects medicine."

"Huh?" Que quizzical eyebrows. 

The doctor held her hand out, "May I?"

Tasha narrowed her eyes, but reluctantly relinquished the hypospray to the doctor. Dr Pulaski held it up and pressed it to her upper arm. "When it’s full, it puts medicine in you." She spoke slowly. 

Taking it back, Tasha turned it around, looking like she was trying to process and understand what the doctor had said, "Ooohh-kaaay." 

"Hyypo thpraay," and it was placed down. 

Tasha picked up the spoon. She tried to twirl it between her fingers but she dropped it. Possibly swearing in her language, she quickly picked it up and shoved it out to the doctor, "whaatth dith?"

"That is a spoon, Tasha.”

"Aah, a thpoooon. What?"

"You eat with it," and she mimed ladling soup and sipping it from the spoon. 

"Aah blah thuff," and Tasha made a disgusted face.

Laughing, the doctor replied, "yes the soup."

Tasha focused and quizzically watched the doctor laugh. She really did not know what laughing was. Sobering up, Dr Pulaski found that sad. 

The spoon was placed down and Tasha picked up the last item. It was a surgical scalpel. 

"Where did you get that?" The doctor asked. She reached for it instinctively but Tasha stepped away, hiding it under her shirt. 

“Tathath.”

“No.”

Tasha held it to her with both hands, stepping back again. 

"Tathath.”

Very aware of the danger with the child having the scalpel, "Tasha, give me that. It’s dangerous and not safe for you. Please hand it to me."

She spoke calmly and slowly. Tasha looked at her. And looked at her. She did a double take back from the item to the doctor. And looked at her. Then at the doctor's outstretched hand. She hesitated but slowly gave it over. 

Dr Pulaski didn’t realize she had been holding her breath but she sighed and brought the instrument to her. 

Tasha cocked her head, "whath thith?" pointing at the item, half reaching for it. 

"Tasha, it’s a scalpel. Very dangerous. See," and the doctor turned it on and cut through the edge of the arm rest and turned it off again. "See?"

The girl's eyes were wide and her mouth open. She said something unintelligible. Then she seemed to think before reaching out for the scalpel, "give Tatha thcalpel pleathe."

The doctor slipped the scalpel into her coat pocket, "no, Tasha, it's too dangerous for you too have." 

Tasha was focused on the out of sight scalpel so Dr Pulaski was trying to think quick. She saw a hand scanner, "How about I swap it with this?"

Dr Pulaski reached for the scanner at the edge of her desk. Tasha jumped back at the sudden movement, bumping into the chair. 

"It’s OK, Tasha. Here. Tasha, look at this."

She held up the scanner and pressed the small button activating it. It began to whirl and when she passed it over her chest, it beeped. "See?"

"Oh," Tasha stepped forward, intrigued. She reached out for it gently taking it from the doctor's open palm. "Whatth thith?"

"It’s a scanner, Tasha."

"Thcan-ner," said slowly and carefully. Tasha inspected it, holding it close, twisting it around before pressing the button. The small device whirred to life causing Tasha to quickly hold it away from herself. "Oh."

She pushed the button again, deactivating it. She placed it down with her other items, straightening them up. 

"Flath light. Hypothray. Thpoon. Thcanner," Tasha pointed at each one and then pointed to the doctor's pocket, "thcalpel."

First, Dr Pulaski thought how many "Ss" there were in these words. 

Second, she realized Tasha wasn’t going to forget about the scalpel anytime soon.


	10. Safe Place

It was time. 

Tasha couldn’t just stay in sickbay anymore. The Resolute was back on patrol and the bio-beds were needed unfortunately. 

Dr Pulaski had prepared for this day. She had been warned by the captain. More than once in these two weeks. 

Without over stressing her fragile body, the doctor had done what work she could to repair the girl. Her eyesight had been corrected. Her digestive tract cleaned up, not that she’d eat any food mind. Maybe being near starvation for so long caused her to loose her appetite. At least she drank the meal supplement. All that was left was her hand and foot, which would require breaking the fused bones first and resetting it. Her teeth, which were being grown in a replicator, needed replacing along with extensive work that needed to be done to the bone and gum tissue that had deteriorated. And then there was her vagina. That was a project in itself if Dr Pulaski was to hope the girl was to be able to ever enjoy and experience a full sexual relationship one day. And she so wanted her to know and feel how much pleasure sex could be. 

Dr Pulaski headed for the med bay where Tasha stayed. She thought it’d be good for the girl to get out of sickbay. Maybe get into a routine, get to know what it was like to live and not just survive. And as it would be just her and Tasha, she may start picking up more English. Where as Tasha would shrink away from most people, she listened and looked to the doctor for what to do. 

When she looked in on the girl, Tasha was standing by the bio-bed, putting a new puzzle together. Dr Pulaski watched her from the door. Tasha looked at her puzzle, picked up a piece and studied it with great determination before trying to place it. The doctor smiled. It looked like Tasha wanted to know where it went before trying it out. She did this each time, gave each piece her full attention. Never just haphazardly placing pieces till they fit. Tasha’s intensity was so powerful, even Dr Pulaski was frozen by it. She shook her head to clear it. 

Dr Pulaski stage knocked, very loudly. Tasha jumped and spun around. 

"Ah!" Tasha said, her eyes darting about before seeing the doctor. 

"Doc-tor," she said, relaxing slightly. She passed her hand over the puzzle and said something in her language. The doctor thought it was something like, "I’m almost done." 

But she wasn’t. The doctor smiled at her. 

"Tasha, you’re moving to my quarters. Are you ready to go?"

Tasha looked up from her puzzle, her eyebrows crinkled upwards in a question. She had only learned simple words and phrases. Tasha lowered her hands to her sides, away from the puzzle in anticipation of the doctor saying more, as she was ready to pay attention.

Dr Pulaski walked up to her and placed the puzzle as full as she could into its box along with the unused pieces. She did this slowly. Then she looked at Tasha’s perplexed expression with a smile. "Gather you things, Tasha, you’re coming with me."

Tasha looked at her with surprized eyes. She looked around panicked and rushed to where she had been hiding under the counter. Tasha crawled under and grabbed some things before standing up again, clutching those things to her chest under her shirt. Her eyes were scared and big. Her breathing quickened. 

"Honey, it’s ok. You’re only moving to another place. With me. Please do not worry," Dr Pulaski tried to calm the girl, speaking quietly and gently. 

Tasha just stood there, frozen like an animal in the headlights. *Does she think she’s being sent back to her home?*

Dr Pulaski said, "Come on Tasha, you’ll be OK." 

OK was a word Tasha recognized because she repeated it and moved towards the doctor. She kept repeating it but still her eyes scanned the room and darted about. 

Tasha was dressed in a marble blue t-shirt and grey loose sports pants. She wouldn’t let anyone take her shirt from her the last few days. She was barefoot. And she had had only one more bath since the first one Dr Pulaski had given her when she was sedated. Bathing wasn’t something she thought about. Another sign of how poorly her upbringing was. Well, no upbringing. 

Dr Pulaski picked up the puzzle box and walked to stand outside the room. Tasha moved to the door and stopped. She froze. Then peered out. First left then right. And when there seemed to be no danger, stepped out of the room. But she stopped and looked to the doctor. 

Dr Pulaski smiled and walked slowly through sickbay and to the exit. Tasha just stood there, watching. “Come on Tasha,” the doctor beckoned. She had asked Mary and Jessica to wait unseen in another room so the main room was empty. 

Tasha finally began to walk through sickbay, looking everywhere. And the doctor manually opened the main door and stepped out in the corridor. Tasha slowly approached the door, peeped out, checking both ways before stepping out. Someone rounded the corner quickly and Tasha jumped back, out of sight, not making a noise.

Dr Pulaski sighed and smiled, “Its OK Tasha. Come on.” 

Tasha had only been outside sickbay once and that was when she’d tried to run away. Dr Pulaski thought the girl was frightened every turn, but she kept going. From sickbay, Tasha checked the corridor before moving out. She stuck to the right side, stopping if someone got too near. Freezing in place was more exact; ducking her head and flattening her skinny body against the wall. But she never made a sound. 

Then the turbo lift. Tasha would just not get in if there was someone inside. The doors would open, Tasha would peer in and mutter "no OK” stepping back again. Dr Pulaski waited three lifts before one was empty and then she abused her position as CMO to override it and have it go directly to her deck. 

When the turbo lift began to move, Tasha shrieked and huddled down against the wall away from the door, tucking her head between her knees, repeating “no OK no OK” over and over quietly. Dr Pulaski could see her body visibly shaking, the girl was so terrified. Dr Pulaski wanted to go to her and hold her, but she had not had that kind of contact with Tasha and Tasha certainly hadn’t initiated any. 

So the doctor stood still and spoke softly to her, “Tasha, it is OK, sweetie. We’ll be out very soon. There is nothing to be scared of.”

Tasha stopped mumbling and looked up at the doctor, tears beginning to make her eyes shine. Her stricken expression was one that wanted to be comforted so Dr Pulaski knelt down and looked her in the eyes, smiling, “we’re OK, Tasha.”

The turbo lift slowed to a halt and the doors opened. Tasha jumped up so fast and ran for the doors, Dr Pulaski lost her balance and fell backwards onto her bottom. The puzzle tumbled from her grip and spilled out. 

“Oh Tasha,” the doctor said as she righted herself and gathered up the puzzle. When she finally exited the turbo lift, Tasha was standing in an archway, tucked nearly out of sight by the architrave. She had the modesty to look sheepish. When she saw the doctor look to her, she said “oh, Tatha Oh-Kay."

*For gods sake of course you’re ok, Tasha"* the doctor thought. 

She took a deep breathe, it wasn’t the girl's fault. This was her first turbo lift. This was her first time ever off of her damn colony. *Do. Not. Be. Angry. With her.*

Dr Pulaski took another deep breath and smiled at her, "Yes Tasha, you are OK."

They only had a little ways to go. Dr Pulaski's quarters were near the turbo lift. She beckoned for Tasha to follow her and just walked, hoping the girl would follow. When she checked, Tasha was tucked against the wall but only a few feet behind. 

And they arrived at her quarters. 

Tasha stopped. Her eyes on the doctor. Waiting. Waiting. 

Dr Pulaski wished Tasha knew more English but she didn’t, so she just opened the doors manually, she didn’t want Tasha just walking out one day, and held her arm out. 

"This is where you will be living, Tasha."

Tasha looked at the doctor, her eyebrows raised. She then looked past her, into the room. She stepped forward, looking inside, left and right, before entering. 

Dr Pulaski stayed outside to let Tasha explore the space on her own.

Tasha stepped inside and stopped. The first thing she noticed was the carpet. She did her little "oh" and looked down, wiggling the toes that would move. 

She then scanned the whole room, and walked it from right to left. She looked into and under anything big enough to hide in. This room led her to Dr Pulaski's bedroom. Out of sight, Tasha checked that too. And the bathroom as well seemingly, judging from the sounds. 

Tasha returned to the doctor waiting at the main door. 

Looking like she had a hundred questions, Tasha turned around and walked back inside. She walked the perimeter of the living area, touching everything and picking odd items up, asking "what’s this?" Well it sounded more like "whatz dith," with her slight lisp from her missing teeth. Tasha was really trying to make the S sound. She would look up at Dr Pulaski for an answer. 

Dr Pulaski walked over to her and answered each time. Tasha listened, then inspected the object, repeating what the doctor had said before carefully placing it back down. 

"This is a glass paper weight."

"What?"

"It’s old."

"Paaaa-per weight," carefully said. 

Next object. 

"Whatz dithz ?"

"This is a stone carving."

"Ah, thone carr-ving."

After about thirty minutes of this, Dr Pulaski was starting to loose her patience. They were not even through the living area yet and Tasha did not seem to be abating. 

"OK Tasha, that’s enough," the doctor said gently taking the current statuette from Tasha's hands. "I need to show you something."

Tasha blinked, looked to the statuette like it held the secret to the universe. She half heartedly reached out for it but pulled her hand back. And looked at Dr Pulaski with doleful eyes. 

*God she is so expressive. Remember it’s not her fault. Her priorities are different but no less important.* the doctor thought. Dr Pulaski didn’t want to deride Tasha and what she was doing. She knew Tasha was just very curious and that all of this was wondrous and new to her. But...

Dr Pulaski turned and walked to a single bed that was against the wall halfway between the door and her bedroom. It was made up with a pillow and cover. 

“Tasha, this is your bed. You’ll sleep here now. And,” indicating to some shelves at the foot of the bed, “these are your clothes.” 

Already folded on the shelves were some more shirts, shorts, pants and under clothes, that the doctor hoped were small enough for her. Everything so far that had been given by the crew were still too big for her slight frame. 

Tasha looked at the doctor but didn’t move. She cocked her head to the side and moved her gaze to the bed and back. The doctor patted the bed and pointed to Tasha. Tasha raised her eyebrows and slowly loped over. That looked like a good sign. 

Facing the doctor, Tasha patted the bed too, like the doctor did, and pointed to herself, saying “Tatha?” 

The doctor replied, "yes, Tasha."

Tasha turned to the bed, smoothed her hands over the sheets, picked her right knee up, placing it on the bed, and lifted herself onto it. She turned around and sat heavily on it, falling to her side. She bounced a bit and said "Ok" in her exaggerated way. She laid there for a moment with her hands on her stomach, then sat up, throwing her legs over the side, standing. Tasha moved to the shelf. She pushed the folded clothes around, feeling the textures and brought one to her nose to smell. She seemed satisfied, saying "OK." 

Tasha reached for the pillow, lifting it slightly and placing the items she had hidden under her shirt there, out of sight. She patted the pillow like she had patted the bed. 

Tasha turned back to the doctor, looking up at her. She shrugged her shoulders and threw her arms out to the sides. *Yes indeed, what next* thought Dr Pulaski. *What do I do with a fifteen year old child in my quarters?*

She realized she still had the puzzle box in her hand. "Tasha, why don’t you work on this," lifting it up. She walked over to the dining table and placed the box down. She carefully took out the groups of puzzle pieces that were still together, arranging them on the table. Tasha had shadowed her there and was already taking the pieces from her hands, saying "Tatha."

"Ok Ok. Tasha. You can do it," and the doctor stepped aside. 

Tasha was instantly engrossed with the puzzle, fitting the bits together that had fallen apart in the turbo lift, then giving each piece her undivided attention. 

Dr Pulaski watched her, enchanted with how simple her delight was. She thought that this must be both unsettling and fantastical for Tasha. Just two weeks ago, she was barely surviving on a forgotten colony, starving and being gang raped. Now here she was, clean, dressed, warm and had nothing to worry about. From being on constant alert and on edge to having seemingly nothing to do had to have her confused. Living from day to day to having everything she needed. This must be more than she could have ever dreamt of, let alone thought of. But here she was, focused on a puzzle as if her life depended on it. *What I would give to know what’s going on in her mind."*

The doctor replicated herself a coffee and Tasha a cup of water. A cup because she dropped the last glass trying to hold it with her left hand. Then she sat down to just watch the girl put her puzzle together. Her focus was like a force field around her. The outside world had disappeared and all there was was the next puzzle piece. Dr Pulaski was definitely becoming smitten with this child.


	11. Place of Safety

So. 

Tasha now lived with her. Standing there at the dining table engrossed in a puzzle. 

And the reality set in. 

A fifteen year old orphan was living with her. In a one bedroom quarter. She last lived with a child about twenty years ago. And that was her own child. And she grew up speaking English. 

Small panic attack aside, Dr Pulaski tried to think about how she was going to do this. Was she going to spend more time in her quarters or was she going to bring Tasha to sickbay everyday? God knows Mary and Jessica would love to see her. Was she going to leave the girl on her own? Was that even a good idea? 

What would she do with her? To keep her occupied? She couldn’t just keep letting her wander around on her own, looking at everything, as wondrous as it was. Tasha needed some structure, some order, something to keep her growing. And it had to be more than a puzzle. 

How was she going to teach her English? She was a surgeon, not a linguist. 

How was she going to teach her anything? Her daughter had attended school to learn from a young age, not turn up almost fully grown with no education at all. She wasn’t the model parent. And here Tasha already looked to her as her everything. 

Breathe. 

Breathe. 

All right. Get some English lessons on the padd. Every kid loves playing with padds, right? Tasha can learn her ABCs and the doctor will be there to help her sing along. 

She drank her coffee. 

She replicated another coffee. 

She drank that coffee. 

Dr Pulaski moved to her desk and searched for English lessons, transferring it to a padd. She then set the padd up to activate for Tasha. 

Who was standing next to her, watching. 

The doctor jumped. 

*How in hell did you get there?*

"Hi, Tasha. What do you want?"

Her heart beat raced. *How did this girl move so quietly when she was so clumsy?*

Tasha tilted her head and pointed to the padd. Next came the usual question, "whatz dith?"

*Something for your collection* the doctor thought. 

But she smiled, Tasha frowned, and she lifted up the padd, "This, Tasha, is to help you learn." 

Tasha took the padd and sat down on the floor, legs crossed, the padd in her lap. She stared at the padd for minutes, not touching it or moving it. *She doesn’t know what it is.* The doctor then sat next to her. 

Slowly and quietly, Dr Pulaski talked Tasha through the padd, so she could work it. It took almost an hour as the child seemingly hadn’t ever used such technology. But Tasha was quick and clever, picking it up. She was focused, didn’t interrupt and listened. The perfect student. The doctor stood leaving her engrossed in an elementary English lesson. 

**A**

"Aaeee."

**A**

"Aeee."

**B**

"Beee."

**B**

"Beee."

**C**

“Theee.”

Tasha was tracing the letters with her finger as she mimicked the computer voice. 

Dr Pulaski watched from the side, smiling. *Well that was a success.* Maybe this will be easier than she thought. At home for a couple of hours and no dramas. Though really that’s down to Tasha. She was such an easy going child. She didn’t seem to expect anything. As long as she had clothing and water, she seemed content to just be. 

But the doctor wasn’t a fool to think it would all be smooth sailing. Tasha would have to deal with the emotional trauma caused by her life on that colony. So far she was triggered twice by the captain with her only reaction to try to run. She would run and hide. But Tasha wouldn’t be able to hide forever no matter how patient she was at it. 

Improve her English and she will be able to express what it is she’s feeling. Yes, that was the priority. Then the doctor could give Tasha some basic tests to see if she ever had any education. 

“Emmm.”

Dr Pulaski brought her attention back to Tasha, sitting patiently on the floor, hunched over the padd. 

**N** “En.” **N** “En.” 

The light from the padd was making her eyes shine. Eyes that looked up at the doctor. *Was she smiling?* No, but she looked happy. 

“Aee, bee, thee, dee, eee, ef, gee, aitch,” she repeated to the doctor. 

Dr Pulaski laughed, “yes, Tasha, very good.”

Once again, Tasha frowned at the doctor when she laughed. Did she really not understand what laughing meant? That it was an expression of pleasure, of merriment. Then again she hasn’t smiled yet either. 

“Shall we have dinner, Tasha? Then I’ll show you around the bathroom. Ok?”

“Oh-Kay,” Tasha stood up, tucking the padd under her shirt next to the flashlight, looking like she didn’t have a clue as to what the doctor had said. 

“Hmm, why don’t we put the padd on your shelf so it doesn’t get broken?”

Tasha looked at the doctor, “huh?” 

“The padd, Tasha,” pointing at it under her shirt. 

Tasha pulled it out and gave it to the doctor. Dr Pulaski walked over to Tasha’s shelf and placed it down in the middle in plain view. 

“See? We will keep it here when we’re not using it, OK?”

Tasha walked over and checked where it was. She moved some clothes around and touched the padd. “Oh-Kay.”

“Excellent. What do you want to eat?”

“Eeat? Wa-der. Pleathe.”

“Anything else?”

“No.”

Dr Pulaski pointed at a chair at the table.

Tasha ambled over, sat and waited. Did she ever eat? Dr Pulaski replicated her a cup of water and placed it before the girl. She drank it down. Looking content, Tasha made to get up. 

“Hold on, Tasha, stay seated,” the doctor said, pointing at the chair. Tasha hovered over it for a moment before sitting back down, looking perplexed. OK so she won’t eat. Yet. But she needs more than water. Dr Pulaski replicated her a nutrient drink, vanilla flavor. *She drank it a few times before. I can’t just keep giving her hyposprays.* So she placed that before the child. 

Tasha looked at it, dipped her finger in it and tested it, then drank it all at once. 

“Hmmmmm, good,” she said, pushing the cup back. 

Dr Pulaski was very confused to why she would drink that but not eat any food. What was keeping her from eating? Or taking food from her? Maybe that was the question she needed answering. Accepting food from someone. And the doctor did not like where her thoughts on that took her. Maybe when Tasha knows more English to express herself she will find out. 

But for now, Tasha had enough to keep her healthy. 

The doctor must have gone very serious because Tasha was sitting wide eyed and scared in her chair. She’d brought her feet up, tucking her knees against her chest. 

“Hey, it’s ok, Tasha. I was just thinking.” 

“Hmm, Oh-Kay.” 

There was only the two of them here. No chance of Mary or Jessica walking in. She was alone with Tasha for the first time. Did Tasha realize that? Did it matter to her? 

“Will you sit with me while I eat dinner, Tasha?”

Tasha looked at her, furrowed her eyebrows. Then just said, “Doc-tor eeet?” 

“Yes, Tasha, so I can eat.”

“Oh-Kay.” Tasha placed her hands on the table and looked at the doctor. Open and trusting. And patient. 

Dr Pulaski replicated herself a chicken salad. Since Tasha arrived, she had to admit her appetite had gone down. She sat down and smiled at Tasha who looked at her like she had all the answers to the universe. Such a huge task. But she smiled at the girl. 

And tried to eat. 

Tasha stared at her and it was difficult. “Sweetie, maybe get the padd and work on your English?”

“Padd? Tatha?”

“Yes, Tasha. Padd."

“Oh-Kay,” and she hopped up and retrieved the padd from the shelf like it was her plan all along. At least Tasha came back to the table and sat in the chair, turning it on and starting her lesson. 

The computer voice began the basic vocabulary session and Tasha repeated everything dutifully. Glancing up at the doctor periodically, seemingly for praise. Which she gave. A nod. A smile. A thumbs up. Everything a parent would give. 

A mother would give. 

Ah. 

That’s what the doctor had become to Tasha. A mother. But she didn’t know this. What happened to her real mother?

Then Tasha paused her padd lesson and stood up. She pointed at the doctor’s salad and said, “Tatha eat.”

There was no way in hell she wasn’t going to let Tasha not eat something, so Dr Pulaski nodded and gently pushed her salad bowl towards the child. 

Tasha peered in and picked up a piece of chicken. She looked at it, smelled it, touched it to her tongue and looked at it again. Then she placed it in her mouth. 

And froze. 

She let it fall out of her mouth. She didn’t spit it out. Just let it fall. 

“No,” Tasha said. “No no.” 

The doctor was now really confused but just shook her head yes, “It’s all right, Tasha. You don’t have to like it.” 

Her face reddening, Tasha looked embarrassed but picked up the padd and started her lesson again, putting all of her attention into it. 

*She doesn’t eat meat. But she doesn’t know that. And I keep offering her meals with meat.* 

Sighing, the doctor thought she had figured it out. Was it that simple? Ok. No meat based meals now. See if that works. The child needs to start putting on weight. 

Dr Pulaski finished her salad and put the dishes back in the replicator. Tasha was cross legged on the chair with the padd in her lap. “Come on , Tasha. Let’s go get ready for bed. Ok?”

The girl’s head nodded up, “Oh Kay.” The padd was switched off, she stood up and began to hide the padd under her shirt. “AAHH!” Tasha pulled the padd back out and ran to her shelf, placed it in the middle, patted it and turned back to the doctor. She pointed at it saying, “Tathath padd.”

“Yes. That’s your padd, Tasha,” smiling. “Come on.”

Dr Pulaski walked through her bedroom to the bathroom, waving for Tasha to follow. After a moment of hesitation, Tasha sprinted after her, stumbling to a halt. She played with the hem of her t-shirt. 

“All right. Now this is the shower where you will bathe. See?” She pulled the shower curtain back and opted to show her the water shower rather than the sonic shower. The doctor pointed to the controls on the wall and pressed the on button. She had already pre-programmed the temperature. 

The water cascaded out of the shower head into the tub. Tasha froze in amazement: her eyes as big as saucers with her mouth hanging open. 

“OH.”

Tasha moved to the panel and looked closely at it. Her fingers hovered over it. She held her hands out under the water fall, flipping them over and around, throwing the water back into her face. She scrunched her eyes up and made a funny sound that could resemble a giggle. 

The doctor laughed causing Tasha to whip her head around to her, serious. She took this moment to press the off button, stopping the water. Tasha looked at the panel and back to the doctor. 

“See, Tasha? On.” She pressed that button and water came out. “Off.” And she pressed that button, stopping it. “You try?”

Tasha sucked in her breath and pressed the on button. She jumped up when the water came out. She moved forward and began to place her head under the water. 

“Tasha.”

She stopped and pressed the off button. The water stopped and she looked sheepishly up at the doctor. Tasha then pressed the on and off buttons quickly in succession. And again. And again. 

And again. 

Dr Pulaski gently took hold of her hand the fifth time, “Very good, Tasha.” And let go of her hand. 

Tasha looked at the floor, holding her hands behind her back. 

“Now,” to get the attention of the child, “this is the soap to wash yourself.” Dr Pulaski picked up a bottle, took off the lid and poured a little out into her palm. She rubbed her hands together and it lathered up. She mimed rubbing it on her torso. 

Tasha’s eyebrows did a u-turn up and she made a quizzical sound. She dipped her finger into the soap, smelling it and then put it on her tongue. She scrunched her face up, spitting it out, coughing and spluttering. Dr Pulaski laughed whole heartedly. She placed her closed palm on Tasha’s back and led her to the sink, turning it on. 

“Rinse your mouth out.” 

Tasha put her mouth under the faucet and gulped the water, initially spitting it out but then drinking it. 

Dr Pulaski turned the faucet off. “No, Tasha. You do not drink from here. No water.”

Water was dripping from her chin and her eyes looked bereft. “No wad-der?”

*Oh crap.*

“No water here,” she pointed to the faucet. “Water out there,” and she pointed to the living area. 

“Oh-Kay,” said with one of the most befuddled expressions the doctor had ever seen. It was like Tasha thought water is water wherever. 

“Now that we’re here, this is a toothbrush.” Dr Pulaski picked up hers and passed it under the toothpaste dispenser. “You clean your teeth with this,” and she showed Tasha, brushing her teeth. 

Tasha went very still, arms hanging limply at her sides. 

Dr Pulaski stopped and rinsed her mouth out. “Tasha, what is it?”

Her face reddening, Tasha opened her mouth and pointed at her toothless gums at the front. 

"Oh, honey, you still have teeth at the back. They’re not all missing." The doctor sat on the side of the sink to be nearer to the girl's height. She picked up a toothbrush for Tasha, blue because she seemed to like that color. 

"Open your mouth," and she opened her's for Tasha to mirror. Tasha did and the doctor gently brushed the teeth she had. Tasha was really only missing the eight at the front. Even though the rest were in a poor state, they were there. The doctor was still growing Tasha's replacement teeth in the lab.

Tasha had her eyes closed and kept her mouth open while the doctor brushed her teeth. When she finished, it took a few moments before Tasha moved, opening her eyes. Dr Pulaski turned the water on, "Rinse your mouth out."

She did. And didn’t drink any. Tasha moved her tongue around in her mouth. "Thith good."

"Does it feel good?"

"Fee-ell?"

"Feel good."

Tasha watched Dr Pulaski’s mouth very closely. "Feel good."

"Yes." She smiled fondly at her. "This is Tasha's toothbrush." And she placed it back in it’s holder. 

Tasha touched the brush, "Tathath tooth bruth." And she looked pointedly at the doctor, "Tathath."

"Yes. Tasha's."

Suddenly, Tasha turned to the toilet. *She knows what that is, at least.* Pointing and saying something, the doctor raised her hands and backed out of the bathroom, giving Tasha her privacy. 

With Tasha not knowing about showers and toothbrushes, basic things, darkened Dr Pulaski's thoughts. Her life must have been grim. Did she live on the street? Did she not have anything?

A gentle tug of her sleeve. 

Tasha peeking up around from behind. "Doc-tor?"

"Yes, Tasha." Quick smile to cover her sour mood. 

Tasha went to the shower control panel and pressed on. 

"On," she said. 

Water cascaded down. 

Her face lit up and she looked like a puppy wanting to play. 

"Yes, Tasha. Time for a shower." Her smile was genuine now. Dr Pulaski gently tugged at the girl's t-shirt and pants, "Take these off and get in."

Tasha pulled her shirt up over her head as the doctor walked out to wait in the bedroom. She sat on the side of her bed, while she listened to Tasha yelp with glee and splash about. She left the girl in there to play but her thoughts returned to Tasha's life on Turkana Four. 

What happened to leave this child on her own? How long was she on her own? Where did her parents go? How did she survive, alone, with nothing?

These were questions she couldn’t answer. No child was supposed to go hungry, go without water, go without anything in this day and age, especially within the Federation. How did this planet get so overlooked? 

"Doc-TOR!!"

*Oh, yes, I can’t overlook her now, can I?*

Tasha was waiting, standing naked and wet in the shower. She had turned it off and was waiting. Dr Pulaski had forgotten to show her the towels. The bathroom smelled of soap so at least she washed and didn’t just play. The doctor brought a large towel over to Tasha, and wrapped it around her, leaving her to dry herself. 

A few minutes later, Tasha came out of the bathroom with the towel around her shoulders like a cape. Her hair was spiky and she almost had a smile on her face. Dr Pulaski smiled and felt her heart melt for this girl. 

"Come on, you. To bed," and she walked out to the living area. Tasha followed her. 

The doctor picked her out a shirt and a pair of boxer shorts for her to sleep in, turning away while she dressed. Tasha started talking quietly to herself, so Dr Pulaski turned around. The girl was picking up the pillow, the blanket over her arm.

"Wait, Tasha, what are you doing? This is your bed."

"Thleep," she pointed to the space under the doctor's desk. 

"No, you don’t have to sleep on the floor, Tasha. You don’t have to hide. You can sleep here in this bed." 

"No. Thleep." She double pointed to the empty space. 

Ok. Tasha still thought she had to hide, sleeping where it was safe. 

Think. Think. 

"OK, Tasha. You sleep there. Doctor will sleep in there," and she pointed to her much larger bed in the bedroom. 

Tasha walked to the open doorway and looked in. She looked back to the desk then to the doctor. "Oh Kay. Doc-tor Thleep. Tatha thleep," she said pointing to their respective sleeping places. She then walked to the main door, that didn’t open. Tasha waved her arms and moved across it. Looking at it, and only after it stayed closed, she said, "Thafe."

Nodding she returned to the doctor, patted her on the arm and went to arrange her pillow and blanket under the desk. She climbed under, tucked herself away and called out, "Doc-tor Thleep!"

*Alrighty then.*

"Good night, Tasha," and the doctor went to her room to get ready for bed. The door closed once she was out of the way and all the movement stopped. 

She heard Tasha scream. Dr Pulaski ran back towards the living area, the door opening on her approach. Tasha was on her knees at the desk, looking at her. Tasha stopped when she saw the doctor. 

*Was it the closed door? Did she think I was leaving her?*

"It’s OK, Tasha. I’m here. I am not going to leave you."

"Doc-tor?"

She sat back. Looking like the lost orphan she was. 

Dr Pulaski went to her and knelt down, "Tasha, I’m here. I will not leave you. You are safe. OK?"

She used that word, OK, because Tasha had latched onto it, she knew it, recognized it. Used it as a mantra.

"Oh Kay," a small childlike voice repeated back. The doctor smoothed her damp hair down. 

Tasha slowly crawled back under the desk, wrapping herself up in the blanket. "Tatha Oh Kay."

"Yes, you are. Good night, Tasha," the doctor smiled at her and went back to her bedroom. 

"Computer, lock all the internal doors open."


	12. Annoyingly Safe

It happened a few times through out the first night. She was woken up by the whispering from next door. 

The doctor stayed in bed but looked out through the open door into the living area. The lights had been turned off but there was a haze from Tasha’s flashlight. 

Each time, Tasha was up, moving about, talking to herself quietly. Only once did she approach the door into the bedroom. That the doctor knew of. Tasha stayed out but looked in, at the doctor lying in bed. She nodded and turned away again, returning to whatever she was doing. 

Once seven o’clock came along, Dr Pulaski felt tired. Staying in her pyjamas, she went out to the living area. 

*Will it look like a tornado hit with all the roaming Tasha did?*

Tasha was standing in the middle of the room. “Good morning, Tasha.”

Tasha just ran past, through the bedroom into the bathroom. Noises indicated she was using the toilet. The doctor stayed still and waited for the child to return. The room appeared relatively tidy still. Tasha ran back in. 

“Did you wait until I was up? You don’t have to.” 

No reply. Just a blank expression. She shrugged. 

“Wad-der,” with a point to an empty cup. 

“Tasha, do you want water?”

“Yeth pleathe.”

“Ok. Come over here. I’ll show you how to use the replicator.” When the girl didn’t move, she placed her hand on Tasha’s back and led her where it was. Tasha moved like an old robot, stiff and haltingly. She removed her hand and the girl loosened up. 

“So, you just ask the replicator for what you want. Listen.” She faced the replicator, “a cup of water.” 

A cup materialized and the doctor picked it up, handing it to Tasha. She didn’t take it though. Her face was of astonishment. She had even stopped breathing. 

“Tasha? Tasha?” A slight tap to her shoulder brought her back to life. Tasha said something to the doctor. She could only assume it was something about what just happened. 

“It’s a replicator, Tasha. It will make whatever you want to eat or drink. Try it.” 

“Rep plee caa dor,” Tasha tried to say it, over enunciating each syllable. 

“Very good. Now ask for water.” 

Tasha hesitated then stepped forward, looking hard at the machine. “Wad-der pleathe.”

Nothing happened. 

“Wad-der pleathe.”

Still nothing happened. 

Tasha looked confused then cross. She shouted at it, “WAD-DER WAD-DER!!”

Dr Pulaski put her hand of the child’s shoulder. “Maybe it doesn’t recognize your pronunciation, Tasha.” 

Tasha’s ears were pink and she looked close to tears. “No wad-der?” She was breathing hard. 

“Just wait a minute,” she rubbed Tasha’s shoulder. “Computer, recognize this word for water as spoken by Tasha. Say it again, Tasha.”

Wiping her eyes with her hand, Tasha nodded and faced the machine again. “Wad-der pleathe.”

The computer’s voice said, “Recognizing wad-der to mean water.”

A cup of water appeared in the replicator. Tasha’s eyebrows shot up and she eagerly reached for the cup, drinking it down. “Tank you.” 

She walked away, holding the cup to herself. Tasha began looking around the room. Dr Pulaski made herself a coffee and sat at the table, rubbing her temples. She watched Tasha flit about, touching things here and there, whispering A B C. Was this what she was doing during the night? Is she familiarizing herself with everything? Looking for something? 

Will every morning be like this?

“Doc-tor!!”

Tasha had wandered into the bedroom. The doctor stood and followed her voice. Tasha was standing before a mirror. She was moving her arms, watching her reflection do the same thing. The cup on the floor, tipped over. Dr Pulaski came over and pointed at the girl’s reflection, “That’s you, Tasha.”

Such a look a disbelief came over her face, “Tatha?” She leant forward and made a face, pulling back when her reflection made the same face. Tasha sat down, her knees touching the mirror while she studied herself. She touched her short blond hair and looked up at Dr Pulaski. She tugged at her pyjama leg, “Doc-tor.” 

Dr Pulaski sat down beside her and looked at Tasha in the mirror. Tasha pulled her hair and reached out to touch the doctor’s hair. She said something simple. 

“Yes. We both have almost the same color hair,” she replied chuckling. “We also both have blue eyes.” The doctor widen her eyes and peered into the mirror at Tasha. The girl did a double take and looked closely at her eyes, then the doctor’s. 

“Aahh. What?”

“Blue eyes, Tasha.”

“Blooo eyeth."

She then seemed to notice her missing teeth. She touched her gums and opened her mouth wide to touch her back teeth. She pointed at the doctor’s mouth, seemingly saying for her to open up. The doctor barred her teeth at Tasha. Tasha looked back at herself and flinched. “Blah!” She said in disgust. 

“No, Tasha. There is nothing wrong with you.” She messed the child's hair up, making her wiggle away. “Come on. Let’s get ready to go.”

The doctor’s knees cracked as she stood up. *Oh I am too old to sit on the floor.*

Tasha stayed where she was, examining herself, picking her shirt up, exposing her stomach and chest. “Keep you clothes on, Tasha,” she said walking into the bathroom. 

When she finished using the toilet, Tasha was waiting at the open door. Looking very hopeful, “On Off? On Off??” 

“You want to shower? Ok but go get yourself a change of clothes first.” 

Tasha just walked to the control panel, announcing loudly "On," pressing the button and began to climb into the shower. “Clothes, Tasha!!”

“OH!” 

The doctor left to get Tasha some clothing for the day while she was in the shower. She placed them on the counter along with a towel. Dr Pulaski felt it was going to be a battle to teach Tasha to remove her clothes before a shower. 

While she listened to Tasha splash in the shower, she made her bed and got out her uniform for the day. She decided she was going to take Tasha to sickbay with her. That way the child could get used to walking the corridors and using the turbo lift. As Tasha was still in the shower with the sound of glee punctuating her location, she walked out to the living area. Tasha’s pillow and blanket had been put back in her bed but in a pile. She made the single bed, checked the battery in the girl’s padd and replicated her some water. The flash light was no where to be seen. 

Then there was the sound of the water being turned off with a not so subtle subtitle, “OFF!”

Dr Pulaski chuckled while she finished her cold coffee, putting the mug back in the replicator. Heading back to the bedroom, she could see Tasha in the bathroom wrapped in the towel, smelling it. Tasha turned around and saw her clothing, “Oh,” dropping the towel to pick them up and get dressed. The doctor turned away while she picked up her clothes and waited for Tasha to finish. But Tasha didn’t come out. She waited a few more minutes but the girl was still in the bathroom. It was a little too quiet. Dr Pulaski went to the open door to see if everything was ok and Tasha was there, dressed, trying to brush her teeth. She had her eyes closed, trying to gently brush her teeth with small movements. She was as focused on this task as she was when putting her puzzle together. 

This made the doctor think. Was her intensity because all of this was new? Was this a part of her personality before? What must she had been like as a small child? Learning new things. Suddenly the doctor wished she could have found and rescued Tasha earlier in her life. So she could have had a proper childhood while she was young. Not a catch up at fifteen when her mind was going to realize what had happened very soon.

Slurping. 

“Tasha, do not drink out of the bathroom faucet,” the doctor called out, heading into the bathroom. Tasha pulled her head out from under the faucet quickly, water dripping from her chin. 

She gulped the water in her mouth down and said, “Oh-Kay,” shrugged and walked out. 

The doctor replaced her in the bathroom and thought about her response. Was the girl pushing boundaries? Did she not care? Maybe she still thinks she needs water when she can get it. It is a basic need. And her life seemed to lack the basics. Was the doctor angry? No. Maybe just annoyed that the girl wasn’t listening to her. But could she blame her? Give her time. Tasha will realize she can get water from the replicator whenever she wants and will stop drinking from the sink. 

Suddenly Dr Pulaski had visions of Tasha drinking filthy water from the gutters and puddles in the dirty alleyways. Maybe seeing so much water was a gift to her and one that she would not pass up. It made her feel sad again. 

But coming back into the living room seeing Tasha drinking her cup of water with one hand and looking at her padd in the other brought a smile back to her face. To her soul. 

“So, Tasha, what do you want for breakfast?” 

Tasha raised her eyes from the padd and shrugged. Her favorite expression. She was walking around in circles in the middle of the room. Looking so free. So vibrant. The doctor couldn’t believe she could ever act this way on a Turkana Four, so this was her exploring her new life.

*Incredible.*

Dr Pulaski replicated herself another coffee and eggs on toast. No meat. She placed them on the table. “Tasha, come here and see if you’d like this.” 

Tasha looked over her shoulder. She sniffed from where she was and appeared very skeptical. 

“Tasha, come here.”

The girl trudged over, smacking her empty cup on the table. Dr Pulaski ignored that. Padd in hand, she sniffed the food and looked at it. Scrunching her nose up and shaking her head, she said “Blah!” Tasha backed away, “No.”

"No."

Very final. 

*OK, nutrient drink it was then.*

A nutrient drink was placed on the table beside the empty water cup. Tasha glanced at it, peered in it, tested it and the drank it down in one. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she said, "tank you."

"THank you, Tasha. And you’re welcome," the doctor said as she sat to eat. 

Tasha continued to walk around in loose circles concentrating on a lesson on her padd, reciting what was being said. She tripped. She stumbled. But she kept on. Until the doctor got her attention when it was time to leave.


	13. Safely Depressed

The trip to sickbay was thankfully uneventful. Tasha completed it much the same as the day before to her new quarters. No dramas with the turbo lift. 

The crew stared at Tasha in the corridors. The knowledge of her presence on the ship had spread like wildfire. Crew whispering about her, curious about this girl who had been brought aboard from Turkana Four. Most sent clothing to sickbay when she had been there hearing that their new found orphan had nothing. Despite this, not many had seen her. The doctor and her staff closely controlled who came into sickbay while she was there and did not allow any visits. Dr Pulaski even managed to keep the captain away after Tasha ran from him the last time. 

So Tasha attracted a lot of attention during her short walk to sickbay. If she noticed, the doctor could not tell. Tasha kept her head down and seemed to find the few shadows and slink her way through the hallways. 

Once in sickbay, Tasha’s shoulders relaxed. She looked around. Only Mary and Jessica were there. 

“Hello, Tasha,” Mary said cheerily. 

“Hey, Tasha,” said Jessica from the storage cabinet. 

Tasha stood stiffly, clutching her padd to her chest with both hands. “Mar-ee. Jes-thicA.”

Mary took a step towards the girl. She indicated to the padd, “What’s that you got there, Tasha?”

She wrapped her arms around it, tightly as if she thought Mary was going to take it from her. She looked to the doctor. 

Dr Pulaski smiled kindly, “It’s OK, Tasha.”

Tasha pursed her lips and cocked her head towards Mary. She took a step back and held the padd out for the doctor to see. “Tathath padd.”

Mary looked at it from where she stood and asked, “What are you learning, Tasha?”

Tasha looked up to the ceiling and recited, “Aae, bee, thee, dee, eee, ef, gee, aitch, iiee, jaaee, kaay, ell, emm, enn, ooh, peee, que, are, eth, dee, you, thee, dubblyou, egth, why, thee.”

All said carefully and slowly. Both doctors were impressed. 

“Wow, Tasha, that’s amazing,” Mary beamed and gave a small applause to Tasha. 

Tasha watched Mary's hands and frowned, then looked back at her face and seemed to look pleased with herself. “Tatha clever.”

Now Dr Pulaski looked at Tasha with surprize. She had told Tasha that when showing her how to use the padd yesterday. “Yes, Tasha, you certainly are.”

Dr Pulaski went to her office to see what was scheduled for today. A couple of crew examines. A few follow ups of some security officers that were injured on the last away mission. And managing their presence with Tasha here. What to do with Tasha? 

“Doc-Tor?”

Startled, the doctor turned to see Tasha had followed her. “Oh, Tasha. Why don’t you sit here and play with your padd?”

She pushed her chair away from the desk and spun it towards the girl. Tasha’s eyebrows popped up and she hopped over to it, climbing into it, stretching her legs out, putting her bare feet on the desk and the padd on her thighs. Shaking her head, smiling, Dr Pulaski picked up her own padd and went out to speak with Mary and Jessica, leaving Tasha to her own device. 

Dr Pulaski made sure Mary and Jessica knew to stop all patients at the door so they could be sure where Tasha was. The doctor didn’t want Tasha running off or hiding today. Though at the moment she was just staying at the doctor’s desk which was fine. If she stayed there. 

After the couple of examinations and two injured security officers had come and gone, Dr Pulaski realized she hadn’t seen or heard Tasha. She went to her office and the chair was empty. Her office seemed to be empty. 

Then a feeling...

She walked to the other side of her desk, the side she sat at and looked under. Tasha was sitting on the floor with her legs up to her chest, padd lit up and on. 

“Tasha.”

“Doc-tor.”

She had hid. Even without anyone coming in. Did she hear the unfamiliar voices? Did she hide all the time from people on Turkana Four? Did she not trust anyone?

“Do you want to come out?”

Tasha just stared at her. Hard. 

The doctor held out her hand. 

Tasha stared at that. Then touched her finger tips and moved to come out. Dr Pulaski stepped back to give her space. Tasha crawled out and stood up. 

“Doc-Tor.”

“Tasha.”

The child just stared at her. Very seriously. Standing still, her flashlight and padd in her hands. 

Then she shrugged, lifting her arms, dipping her head, tucking her padd and flashlight away, under her shirt, out of sight. 

“Are you ready to go back to our room, Tasha?” The doctor asked her. 

Tasha breathed in, out and let her head fall forward. She seemed to think. She shook her head and then said, “Ok-Kay.”

Dr Pulaski wondered how much Tasha knew of where she was now. Did she think about where she had been taken? Did she know what a starship was? Was she ready to see more of the ship? Maybe take her to the mess hall. Find out if she’s ready to see other people. 

“How about lunch, Tasha?”

“Luncha?” Tasha squished her eyes up. “Eat?”

“Yes, Tasha, lets go eat lunch.”

She looked skeptical but shrugged. 

“Great. Let’s go,” the doctor said with exaggerated enthusiasm hoping it would rub off on Tasha. 

It didn’t. 

“Come on, Tasha, lunch won’t come to you,” the doctor said from the door when the child didn’t follow her. 

Tasha narrowed her eyes and said carefully, “Rep-plee-ca-dor.”

*Well OK. Maybe lunch would come to you.*

Laughing, “Come on, Tasha. We’ll find something you like.” She waved her hand for the girl to follow and walked out of the office. She followed but with far less energy than she had before. She seemed down. 

Depressed. 

Is that why she was under the desk? Had she been thinking? What’s she feeling? Her mood had definitely changed. 

Maybe a trip to a busy dining area was not a good idea. 

“Let’s do lunch later,” and the doctor led Tasha to the med room she had been in for two weeks. Tasha stopped in the doorway and her breathing sped up. She looked at the room and then to the doctor. Her eyes were scared. Her hands began moving in circles by her side. 

“Tatha no thleep wit Doc-tor?” 

Her voice trembled. 

“What?” Now the doctor cocked her head. 

Looking thoroughly crestfallen, Tasha solemnly walked to where she had been hiding under the counter. She got down on her knees and began to crawl under quietly. 

The pin dropped. Tasha thought the doctor was putting her back in here to stay. 

“Shit, no, Tasha,” the doctor said as she rushed to her, bending down but not touching her. “No, Tasha, you’re not sleeping here again. You sleep with me. With Doctor. Please don’t go back.”

Tasha stopped and froze partly under the counter. Her body rigid. She pushed herself back out and sat heavily on her bottom, legs out. The padd under her shirt sticking out, stopping her from slouching forward. She pulled it out and dropped it next to her so she could curl up on her side. With her eyes closed and her arms wrapped around her body, she heaved a sigh and began to cry. Quietly. No loud sobbing. Just tears and shaking. 

“Oh, Tasha. My sweet girl." Dr Pulaski then realized what she had done. Tasha had been left in the office for a few hours, isolated and she thought the doctor had forgotten about her. And then taking her back to this room must have felt like she was being abandoned. All those years alone, on her own. And just after a a day of not being by herself with the doctor, she didn’t want to go back. But the fear of that was there. It would always be there. 

“Tasha, Tasha,” the doctor said as she laid down on the floor beside her, facing her. “Look at me.” She gently and slowly placed her hand on the girl’s trembling shoulder. “Tasha?”

Tasha opened her eyes, wet and red. She hiccuped. 

“See? I’m here. Doctor is here with you.” She punctuated that with a soft squeeze of her shoulder. 

Tasha nodded and rolled into her back, legs and arms straight. She closed her eyes and made a loud long cry. Then sat up and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. 

Dr Pulaski sat up, “Feel better?”

Tasha shook her head, “no feel good.”

She clambered up to her feet and picked up her padd which she deposited unceremoniously on the bed. She had treated her few possessions with such reverence before. The doctor sighed and stood up. "Hop on the bed, Tasha," she said patting it. Tasha wordlessly lifted herself onto the bed, sitting with her feet dangling off. Her body seemed to cave in. It was like all her energy had evaporated from her soul. 

"Ok Tasha. Let’s give you a check up." *Maybe the instruments will re-spark her curiosity.*

Dr Pulaski pulled out her tri-corder, holding it towards Tasha. She removed the hand scanner and it whirred to life. Tasha ignored it and kept her eyes cast downward. The child's vitals were normal, though her blood pressure was a little low. 

"Tasha, what's this?"

"Thcanner," she said without look up. 

"Scanner, that’s right. What’s this?" And the doctor held the tri-corder in her line of sight. 

Tasha glanced at it without care, "not Tathath."

This intrigued the doctor. "What do you mean not yours, Tasha?"

Silently, Tasha slid off the bed and went to her counter. She crawled underneath, disappearing. Dr Pulaski watched and wondered what she was getting. All of the stuff Tasha had collected in her hideaway had been removed after the doctor left sickbay with her yesterday. Along with a few pillows and blankets, the girl had found and kept about four shirts, two pants, seven cups, a few utensils, no knives though, a ring from somewhere, a hair clip, one sock, a data chip, two empty hyposprays, an empty vial and a roll of gauze. She was quite the kleptomaniac. What few things other than the flash light she took with her were still not known. The doctor hadn’t looked under her pillow to see. *As long as she doesn’t have a scalpel it doesn’t matter.*

Finally Tasha came back out. She handed the doctor a tri-corder. *Where had she stashed that?* The power had run down and it was not working. 

Holding her hands out, Tasha looked confused. "Whereth Tathath thtuff?"

"Your stuff? Oh it’s somewhere."

Picking up the working tri-corder, Tasha said, "Tathath." And pointing to the non-functioning one in Dr Pulaski’s hand, "doc-torth."

"Hmm, Ok, but that may change."

Tasha shrugged and made a non-committal noise. She climbed back onto the bed and just sat there, head hanging. Dr Pulaski leaned against the bed and looked at the girl. She radiated despondency so strongly, the doctor was beginning to feel that way as well. 

*Come on, Kate, think. What can I do?*

She picked up Tasha's padd and put it on the girl's lap. "Come on, Tasha, we're going somewhere new."

"No. Tatha thleep."

"No, time for that later. I want to show you something."

Tasha did a big dramatic sigh and slid off the bed again. With her padd under her arm and her newly acquired tri-corder in her right hand, she gave the doctor a nonplussed look. When she didn’t follow, "Spit spot, Tasha, let’s get moving." Dr Pulaski put extra oomf into her voice to spur the child on. Tasha seemed to procrastinate, stepping in place and smoothing the bed out but she finally trudged over to the doctor waiting at the door. 

The doctor decided to take Tasha somewhere new. Show her where she is now, to show her she is not going back home. She just hoped it didn’t scare her more. She tried to take a quiet route. A long route in which Tasha was like Dr Pulaski's personal little moon, orbiting around her to stay away from crew members. The girl kept her head up, looking defiant but Dr Pulaski could tell she was nervous. She was mumbling under her breath with each adjustment to her position around the doctor, eyes darting about, seeing everything. In the turbo lift, she was the doctor's shadow; just out of sight of whoever shared the small transport tube. 

As they came to the lower decks where there were less people, Tasha started to perk up. Well, perk was an exaggeration but she started looking around, touching the walls and LCAR displays. Everything she touched was followed by an inspection of her hand as if she couldn’t believe it wasn’t dirty. She noticed some doors opened when she stood in front and some didn’t. This led to her jumping in front of them from the side to see what would happened. Then she did perk up. 

With the long route being taken, they made it to the doctor's destination in just under fifteen minutes. Standing outside the door, Dr Pulaski looked down at the child who was only several inches shorter and said, "You ready, Tasha? Are you ready to see where you are?" 

This strange journey had definitely piqued Tasha's interest. She had never walked so far or so long in this strange place, she seemed to be standing a little taller. "Whatth thith?" she asked, her eye brows curled upwards. 

"Trust me, Tasha. You will be amazed!" Dr Pulaski replied. She opened the door and she beckoned Tasha to follow her into the shuttle bay. There were three waiting shuttles and the bay doors were shut. The doctor knew they weren’t currently at warp so it was safe to open the bay doors to see out into space. 

Knowing everything was safely stowed away, the doctor said, "Have a look around, Tasha. I’ll be right back."

Tasha stood there, completely confused, staring at the doctor while she walked away to another little room. 

She walked into the shuttle bay control room. There was one ensign inside, reading on his padd, of which he dropped and stood suddenly when he saw her. 

“Commander. I mean, Doctor. Um Doctor Commander,” he stuttered to attention. 

*Clearly a slow day for him,*

Dr Pulaski chuckled, “At ease, Ensign.” She looked out the windows to see Tasha looking at the door where the doctor disappeared. The girl had a massive scowl on her face as if she was going to march over and bang on the door. 

Tasha then shrugged and said “Be back.” She turned around on the spot and choose a direction to walk, trailing her finger tips along the hull of a shuttle. 

“That’s Tasha. The girl from Turkana Four,” said the doctor pointing out the window. 

“Wow. Really?" He stood and practically placed his face against the transparent aluminum. "I’ve not seen her. She looks like a boy. Um, sorry." 

The doctor laughed, "I suppose she does but she’s not. I want to show her space so open the doors when I say so, please, but you stay in here. Do not come out under no circumstances. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Commander, I understand," he stuttered. 

"Oh and keep the force field in place, for obvious reasons," she said as an aside, leaving the room.

Dr Pulaski found Tasha lying on her back under a shuttle craft, padd and tri-corder next to her. She was shining her flash light on the hull, making it shine. There was no way the doctor was crawling under with her. So on her knees, she said, "Tasha, come out here please."

Tasha twisted her head to the doctor, "Doc-tor be back."

"Yes, I’m back," she laughed. 

Tasha did a double take and frowned at the laugh but she put the padd and tri-corder on her stomach and pushed herself out on her back with her feet. Standing, she lifted her occupied hands, holding them out and said, "Whathth thith?"

"Well, it’s a shuttle bay, Tasha, but that’s not what I want to show you. Come," and Dr Pulaski waved for the child to follow. Tasha shuffled behind her quietly to the enormous bay doors. She looked up at them and waved her arms as if trying to get them to open for her. 

The doctor laughed again. "Thankfully, they don’t open like that, Tasha."

"No?"

"No. But," she turned around and waved at the Ensign watching from his control room, "they open like this. Now, please."

Suddenly the doors came to life with a rumble. Tasha made a noise and stumbled backwards. As the view became visible, she dropped her padd and tri-corder on the deck and stepped forward. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes sparkled with the reflection of the stars. 

"Oh."

Tasha walked right up to the edge and reached out, touching the invisible force field that shimmered blue at her contact. She quickly pulled her hand back as if she was stung, looking at her fingers. "Oh," she said stretching her hand out again, but this time drawing circles in the shimmering blue surface. She played with this sensation for a few moments before turning back to look at Dr Pulaski.

"Whathth thith?"

When the doors were fully open, Dr Pulaski held her arms out, smiling, “This, Tasha, is space!”

“Thpathe,” Tasha repeated. “Whatth thith?”

“Well, technically outer space as there is space everywhere. Everything lives in space. Your home planet is far far away now, in that direction I think.”

“Eh? No no’” 

“You don’t know? Ok. Well let’s just look at it, ok?” 

“Look?”

“Look, Tasha, with our eyes,” said the doctor, pointing at her eyes and indicating out, like Tasha did when she fell asleep on the floor. 

“Ah, look!!” Tasha walked right back up to the force field and sat cross legged, knees almost touching it. “Tatha look thpathe,” and she pointed behind herself. 

“Yes, you have seen space. The other day when you ran.” The doctor sat beside the girl, glad she appeared to be feeling better. Actually Dr Pulaski was amazed Tasha was sitting so close to the edge of the bay and didn’t seem in the slightest frightened. The drop off into the vastness of space was making her stomach squeamish. 

Tasha leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and started pointing at what she could see, asking what everything was. Dr Pulaski explained the best she could, as simple as she could so Tasha could pick it up. But Tasha was patient and listened, wanting to know despite her frustration with not understanding everything. 

Once again, the doctor’s chest tightened with the enjoyment of being the first to be with Tasha as she discovered these new things. It was another quiet moment between the two of them. She felt closer to Tasha than she did with her own daughter. And she had only known this child for just over two weeks. This girl had reached in and grabbed the doctor's heart. She watched Tasha point, hand-splain, toss her head around with glee. When this child was alive, she was incredible. But she had a lot of emotional bagage she would have to go through. And the doctor was thinking of how to deal with that.


	14. Unsettled but Safe

They were in the shuttle bay for a few hours. After Tasha exhausted her "whatth thithth,” she laid down and just gazed out. Dr Pulaski sat with her, enjoying the quiet. She watched Tasha while she laid on her stomach with her head on her arms, not quite still. She flinched and blinked rapidly. The girl was definitely thinking about something and trying to remain calm. Tasha looked to the doctor, appeared like she was formulating a question but stopped and looked out into space again. 

Dr Pulaski would have given her right arm to know what Tasha had been thinking right then. 

*Is she wondering if she'll get sent back home? Is she wondering if she gets to stay here? Is she thinking about what had happened when she was younger?*

She crossed and uncrossed her bare feet. The doctor thought she’d have to get Tasha some shoes. 

Tasha sat up, cross legged and placed her padd and tri-corder on her lap. Her head was down and then she turned to the doctor and said, "Tatha want wader."

*She's hungry.*

"Ok, Tasha. Let’s go home." 

"Oh-Kay."

They stood up and Tasha followed the doctor. Dr Pulaski waved thanks to the ensign in his little control room and walked with the girl out the door. 

In the corridor, Tasha said, "Tank You."

The doctor was puzzled. "Why are you thanking me, Tasha?"

Tasha seemed to struggle with what to say and decided on, "Thank you, doc-tor make Tatha feel thafe," she said slow and carefully. 

Dr Pulaski stopped. 

Tasha kept walking so the doctor jogged to catch up. 

"Tasha, you don’t have to thank me. It’s my responsibility."

She was quick to shrug that off but kept walking, trailing her palm along the wall. Tasha had her padd under her arm with her tri-corder in the same hand to leave her other hand, her left hand, free so she could touch the walls and LCAR displays all the way to the turbo lift. 

As they were in the far reaches of the ship, the lift was empty so Tasha walked in no trouble. They had fifteen decks to their quarters, and people began to get in. Tasha stiffened but stayed in her place. Dr Pulaski could see her eyes and jaw working, but trying also to stay still, and unnoticed. She wanted to wrap her arm around her protectively but didn’t. She didn’t know how Tasha would react to the physical touch. So she stood firm and allowed Tasha to hide behind her. 

Once out of the turbo-lift, Tasha orbited the doctor's body, keeping away from everyone. But she seemed to recognize their quarters as she raced to the door when it was in sight, waiting. The doctor smiled at her and opened their door manually. Tasha slipped in and went to hide the newly acquired tri-corder in her bed. Dr Pulaski walked to the replicator and got the girl a cup of water and a coffee for herself. Tasha appeared by the doctor's side, nodded and picked up the water, drinking it down. She wiped her mouth and asked for another. 

Dr Pulaski ordered her a very rich nutriment drink, vanilla flavor. Tasha looked at it, smelled it, tasted it and then drank it all in one. "Tank you."

"THank you, and you are welcome, Tasha."

The girl placed the cup down and just looked at the doctor for a moment. Then she went to her bed and sat on it. She put her padd under the pillow and said quietly, "Tatha thleep. "

"Do you want to sleep in bed, Tasha?"

"Yeth, pleathe, doc-tor, thee," and Tasha pointed around.

"You want me to keep look out? Keep you safe?"

Tasha nodded weakly, "Tho Tatha thleepe thafe."

She looked tired. Did she sleep at all at night? 

"Of course I’ll keep you safe." She went to Tasha's bed and pulled the covers down for her. Tasha laid down, curling up on her side, watching the doctor. "I’ll be over there on the couch," she said pointing. 

Tasha yawned while she nodded and her eyes closed. The child fell asleep almost immediately, snoring softly. Dr Pulaski covered her, smoothed it down over her shoulders gently, and just gazed at the girl while she slept. 

For about fifteen minutes, Tasha slept soundly, her breathing slow while the doctor worked at the sofa. Suddenly she shot up, whipped her head around the room. Panicking, she sucked in breaths. The doctor stood and slowly stepped towards the girl sitting up in bed. 

“Tasha, it’s ok. You’re safe. I’m over here,” 

Tasha jerked her head towards Dr Pulaski's voice, spinning around, sliding off the bed. She stood up and backed away, stumbling over her damaged right foot. Tasha righted herself and her eyes began to clear. She was panting and looking around. Other then her breathing, Tasha hadn’t made a noise. She looked at the doctor, visually latched onto her as if grabbing a lifeline, slowing her breathing. 

"Ah, Doc-tor," she said quietly. 

"Yes, I’m here," she said from where she stood in the middle of the room. She didn’t want to crowd Tasha while she calmed herself, got her bearings. Is this why she hides when she sleeps? She not in the open, and can’t be seen. Dr Pulaski felt it was a big step that she was trying to sleep in her bed today. 

Tasha rubbed her face hard and went back to her bed. She turned back, looking more tired than before, if that was possible. She pointed to the doctor's desk and chair, saying a few words in her language quietly. Tasha climbed onto her bed and looked back to Dr Pulaski as if expecting a response. 

"I don’t understand what you want, Tasha," the doctor said gently. 

Massaging her right foot, Tasha squinted at the doctor, moved her eyes from the desk and back. With her eyes drooping, she shook her head, pointed again and spoke very slowly, "doc-tor thee thafe there. Thatha thee doc-tor."

It was as she was trying to translate to English so the doctor could understand. 

"Ok, Tasha, I'll sit there," the doctor said picking up her padds from the couch and placed them on the desk. She then went to Tasha, and gently smoothed her hair down, "go back to sleep, Tasha."

The act of having her head caressed seemed to bring slumber back to her. Tasha toppled sideways on to the bed and again let Dr Pulaski cover her up. She was asleep before she was done. And then the doctor sat at her desk as asked to, to do her work. 

Over the next hour, Tasha woke suddenly five more times. Always she was on edge, alert. It had the doctor wondering if this was how she slept on her home world. Even if she found a safe hiding place, did she never really sleep? She must have been constantly exhausted, never being able to relax and rest. 

But Tasha always found the doctor sitting at her desk and calmed down. She would look around the room and then lay down again, and go to sleep. So in just over an hour, Tasha only slept about forty-five minutes. But then she just got up. Tasha sat on the side of her bed and stretched her arms up, yawned. She looked at Dr Pulaski noncommittally and slid off her bed and walked out to the bathroom. Only gone for a few minutes, she returned and got her padd from under her pillow and walked out again, back to the bedroom. She didn’t say one word to the doctor. 

Dr Pulaski stood and followed Tasha into the bedroom when she didn’t hear anything. Tasha was seated on the floor in front of the window that looks out into space beside the doctor’s bed. She was looking intently at her padd, reciting simple words, tracing them with her finger. Her flashlight on the floor beside her.

Tasha was more somber now. Not the playful, curious child from this morning. She seemed to want to be on her own so the doctor left her there, at the window, engrossed in her lesson. 

An hour passed and there was only the quiet sound of Tasha repeating her lesson. The doctor took her a cup of water but other than that left her alone. Dr Pulaski couldn’t help but start to think she had done something wrong but she knew that wasn’t it. The girl was still just acclimating to her new environment. She was bound to have her ups and downs. And being around people so much when she was used to being on her own, must be stressful in itself. But still, the doctor felt she’d done something wrong. 

Just as Dr Pulaski’s thoughts were getting darker, Tasha came into the living room with a shout of “Doc-Tor!”

With a lot of relief, she replied, “Yes, Tasha?” And turned to the girl who was coming toward her, holding her padd up. 

“Look look.”

Tasha turned the padd to her and pointed at the picture, “Cat.”

“Yes, that’s a cat, Tasha.”

“Tathath cat.” Her eyes were big and she kept pointing at the picture of a ginger cat. 

“You had a cat, Tasha?” 

"Cat thee Tatha. Thee Tatha thafe," the child said carefully. 

"Your cat looked out for you?"

A cocked head and squinty eyes were her reply. 

"Cat thee Tatha thleep," she said trying to enunciate each word. She closed her eyes, seemingly trying to think of words the doctor would understand. "Cat," she held one hand out. 

"Doc-tor," and she held the other hand out. 

"Thee Tatha thafe. Tatha thleep," Tasha said deliberately slow, weighting each hand. 

Dr Pulaski thought about what Tasha said. Tasha compared her to her cat. Her cat she had on Turkana Four. A cat who kept her safe. And looked after her when she slept. 

And now she, the doctor, was her cat. To keep her safe. Look out for her while she slept. 

*What happened to her cat?* 

Well, until Tasha wanted to talk about that, could talk about that, Dr Pulaski was taking this as a compliment.

"Yes, Tasha, doctor keep you safe," she said, pointing to the cat picture on the padd then herself. She held the girl's hand, holding the padd, "Always."

Tasha closed down, focusing on the contact from Dr Pulaski with her right hand. She breathed heavily, staring at the hands. Then she brought her left hand up and brushed the doctor’s hand, gently pulling her other with the padd away. 

"Tathath," she said quietly. 

The girl's eyes were set but calm and still as she looked directly into the doctor's eyes. 

Dr Pulaski let go when Tasha pulled, placing her hand in her lap. "Yes, Tasha, that is yours." 

She realized Tasha thought she was taking the padd from her. 

"Tathath."

Tasha backed away. Her eyebrows drawn down together. She was unreadable. Dr Pulaski worried she’d ruined the moment. Ruined the connection she was making with the girl. But Tasha turned half way around and stopped. She looked around at the living room. She brought her shirt up to her nose to smell. She walked around in a little circle and stopped. 

Holding her padd to her chest, Tasha looked back to the doctor, and said, "Doc-tor keep Tatha thafe."

"Doctor will always keep Tasha safe."

Tasha stared at her. And stared at her. 

God, this child was good at staring. 

Finally she came to her decision. Tasha let the padd fall loosely to her side. She said, slowly and deliberately, "Tathath cat thee thafe. Tatha thleep. Doc-tor thee thafe. Thee Tatha. Thee Tatha thleep thafe." 

"Look, thee," Tasha pointed around and nodded. She pointed to her bed.

*Maybe I did something right.*

"Yes, Tasha. Doctor keep Tasha safe."

And so Tasha started sleeping in a bed.


	15. Sleep Safe

Her eyes were opening. 

First. No morning sunlight. 

*How can it be morning without the sun breaking through the curtains? Crap, that’s space.* 

Second. The soft snores coming from the front room. She was still asleep. Or at least sleeping now. 

Sigh. 

That was a good sign. Dr Pulaski had gotten used to the sound of Tasha walking about, moving things, touching things, mumbling to herself in her language during the night that the quiet snores seemed strange. But she was glad the girl had fallen asleep. She never seemed to sleep more than an hour at a time. Maybe she couldn’t on Turkana Four. 

The doctor just laid there listening to Tasha's snoring, savouring it. 

The door between the rooms had not been shut since the girl moved from sickbay to Dr Pulaski's quarters a week ago. Tasha seemed to like being able to see the doctor when she roamed about the living space, becoming distressed when she thought she had been left or locked in. The door to the bathroom had been open since too. For the same reasons. 

But Tasha seemed to know boundaries. She never walked into Dr Pulaski's bedroom when she was in bed and the same with the bathroom. The girl just liked to have the rooms open to each other. 

*Shut doors are hard to escape though* the doctor suddenly thought. And sighed. *Or maybe she was abandoned.*

Quietly the doctor got up. Dressed in her pyjamas, she went out to the front room to look in on Tasha. The girl was in her single bed, lying on her left side towards the wall. She had a way of lying with her arms straight at her sides and her legs straight out, on top each other. Her mouth was open. And she was snoring. 

Dr Pulaski smiled fondly. She thought, *shit, I’m falling in love with this girl.* She shook her head to get rid of the thought. That was not allowed. 

Tasha was wearing her favorite blue t-shirt and boxers shorts, both too big for her. Her blanket had been pushed down the mattress so her skinny legs were exposed. She’d only had her own clothing for about three weeks now and she already had a favorite t-shirt. Dr Pulaski silently chuckled as she gently pulled the covers up over Tasha's thin body. 

The weight of the cover pulled Tasha's body over so she was lying on her chest with her head to her right. And snoring just that bit louder. 

Dr Pulaski openly smiled, sat on the side of the bed and gently laid her hand on Tasha's back, just feeling the rise and fall of her breathes. 

The girl was fifteen by the medical tests but she appeared about twelve. Her deprivation had stunted her growth that much. And even though she was sharp and clever, the girl lacked any maturity and knowledge. She never had a childhood. So in essence she was a child now. 

And in some moments, Tasha was so innocent and trusting, Dr Pulaski was awed by her. But the girl was only ever this way with her. She still held everyone else with much distrust, especially men, which seemed reasonable, considering. 

Dr Pulaski let Tasha sleep. 

Suddenly, the girl breathed in. She lifted her head. Dr Pulaski stood and stepped back to allow her space to wake and see where she was. Tasha moved, turned her head, rolled onto her side and opened her eyes. She blinked and seemed to clear the area...

Then Tasha looked up at the doctor, blinked, dropped her head and closed her eyes. And she went back to sleep. 

Dr. Pulaski was amazed. This girl trusted her with a sleepy gaze. *Ok. I’ve been sucker punched and I’m in deep* she thought with a grin. She left the girl to sleep and worked on her paper. 

Time passed......

While she worked she tried to ignore Tasha’s snores and movements. She managed for about an hour and then looked over. Dr Pulaski couldn’t deny that Tasha was her favorite subject at the moment. She was recording everything about the girl. 

Tasha kicked her foot out. Dr Pulaski saw this and noticed it was her right foot. Her damaged foot. But Tasha kept on sleeping, snoring slightly with her head to the left. Her cropped blond hair just peaking out above the cover. 

Dr Pulaski looked at Tasha’s foot, watching her lie there, motionless. And then went over to her. She was still sleeping, snoring heavily now. The doctor gently picked her foot up and looked at it, touching the scarred sole. *What has this foot endured?*

Tasha flipped, bolted upright. Stared at the doctor. But made no sound. Her mouth was open then closed. Her eyebrows lifted then crossed down. At the end of the expression she just looked confused. Dr Pulaski just stood quiet, holding her foot. Tasha stared at her. And stared at her. And stared at her. And when Dr Pulaski didn’t let up, Tasha did. She looked to her right foot, tugged it from the doctor's grasp and brought it in towards her body. 

Then Tasha seemed to remember where she was. She looked around. She deflated a bit. 

Tasha made a quiet “oh”. She laid back down, settling her head into the indentation on the pillow, lolling her head to look towards the doctor. Her blue eyes were clear. Her whole body relaxed, sinking into the bed, exhaling heavily. And just gazed lazily up at the doctor. Dr Pulaski didn’t think for a second this child had ever been lazy in her life. 

Dr Pulaski wondered what Tasha was thinking. Then Tasha lifted her right foot up and held it in the air towards the doctor. Dr Pulaski gently took hold of it and stroked the sole. Tasha made a sound and wiggled slightly so the doctor stroked her sole again. Tasha gawped and pulled her foot to her, curling her leg to her chest. Her eyes were wide and her mouth open, showing her missing teeth. 

“What’th thith?” Tasha asked. 

The doctor looked at Tasha, the confusion clear in her young eyes and wondered what she was asking about. Dr Pulaski looked to Tasha’s foot and back to her face. “Oh you’re ticklish.”

Tasha just squinted her eyes like she did when listening and not understanding. She held her foot out again so the doctor gently moved her finger tips across the rough skin. Tasha made a sound like a giggle but didn’t pull her foot back. 

“What’th thiz?”

“I’m tickling you. Have you never been tickled?”

“Feel good” Tasha said, over pronouncing good. “Tickle Tatha.” 

Tasha held her foot up, expectantly, her toes immovable, having been broken at some point. Her eyes wide and waiting. 

Dr Pulaski gently ticked her sole causing Tasha to wiggle about and gasp. *She's never been ticked before* the doctor thought. She placed her foot down causing Tasha to look at her and reached out towards Tasha’s body, tickling her under her arms. Tasha laughed. 

Tasha laughed. 

For the first time since being aboard the Resolute, Tasha laughed. The doctor thought there could be no sound as glorious as this child’s laughter. Tasha rolled about, laughing, clenching her eyes shut. So the doctor kept tickling her. Under her arms, her sides, her tummy. The doctor laughed and Tasha curled up but kept laughing, her mouth open in a toothless smile. 

Dr Pulaski slowly stopped but Tasha still shook, laughing. The doctor looked at her tiny body, shaking with joy thinking *she’s only ever felt pain*. She smiled and reached out, stroking her hand through Tasha’s soft cropped hair, smoothing it back. Tasha’s eyes were still clenched shut and she was breathing quickly, gasping. 

Tasha opened her eyes, tears making them shine a deep ocean blue. Her mouth in an almost smile. *Has she ever smiled. Does she even know what a smile is? * Without thinking, Dr Pulaski leant down and kissed her on the temple, her hand still atop her head. 

“Tickle feel good.”

“Yes. It does.” Dr Pulaski didn’t know what else to say. Not for the first time, she was caught without words with Tasha. 

What was Tasha’s life like, back there on Turkana 4? Did she ever have a family? Could she remember a time before she was running, hiding, surviving? Before being raped? Had there been any joy?

And here she was, enjoying for what seemed to be the first time, being tickled and having a sensation that didn’t cause pain. Laughing. A laugh that sounded unused. Genuine and young. 

Dr Pulaski came back to herself. Tasha was reaching up and clumsily stroking the doctor's hair, imitating what the doctor had done to her. Tasha’s eyes were concerned and searching the doctor's face. Dr Pulaski realized she was crying and pulled back. 

She stood suddenly, causing Tasha to shrink into the bed. 

She didn’t do this. She didn’t feel like this ever. Dr Pulaski turned around. What was she feeling? She certainly never cried. 

“Doc-tor?”

What was happening to her?

“Doc-tor?”

The girl. Tasha. Saying her title like it was her name. Tasha curled up into a ball, hiding in her bed, her eyes wide like a frightened animal. 

Shit. 

“Tasha, it's alright. Time to get out of bed.” 

What else was there to say? To do? The doctor wiped her eyes and took a deep breathe, “it’s OK, Tasha.”

Tasha cocked her head to the side, pursed her lips and said “OK,” over pronouncing the OH. New sounds. New words. Tasha was picking up on small words. Trying them out. This was her favorite word. The other being NO.

But the doctor wasn’t going to change that. Let her say NO if she wants. It’s probably the first time she been able to. 

Tasha pushed her skinny legs out to the side of the bed, pulling herself off and stood up. Her arms hanging loosely by her side. Looking up at the doctor. Her facial expression open and waiting. Trusting....

Dr Pulaski smiled. Relaxed and smiled. She touched Tasha's shoulder, “go get a shower,” tilting her head towards the bathroom. Tasha just nodded and bounded off, arms flapping carelessly. 

As the doctor sat back at her desk, she heard Tasha talking to herself, quietly, the sound of the shower being turned on and the “ahh” Tasha always made when getting under the cascade of water. She smiled to herself when she suddenly thought* I hope she took her clothes off this time*.


	16. Safe Bath

Time. 

Everything took time with this child. 

Tasha was in the bathroom taking a shower. Well that’s what she was supposed to be doing. She loved taking showers. She got distracted easily and often when not focused on her puzzle or padd. So she would end up playing, standing under the cascade of water with her face up or splashing it about. 

And patience. 

A lot of patience. 

A few days before....

*“Tasha, what are you doing?"*

*No answer. The shower was still going but she’d been in there for more than ten minutes. *

*Dr Pulaski walked to the bathroom and stood in the open doorway. “Tasha, what are you doing?”*

*Tasha’s wet head poked out from behind the curtain. She didn’t look guilty at all with her eyebrows lifted and her mouth in an OH*

*”Look,” she said."*

*Dr Pulaski walked to the bathtub and pulled the curtain back slightly saying at the same time, "computer, turn off the shower." As the water shut off, she peered behind the curtain not seeing what she expected at all. She expected a naked Tasha.*

*Tasha was standing, still in her t-shirt and boxer shorts she’d been sleeping in, soaking wet. Granted, the girl had a very earnest expression on her face, pointing to the array of bath bottles that were most definitely not on the shelf. The bottles had all been opened and turned upside down, their contents dripping out in a rainbow of colors, lined up in size order along the side of the bathtub.*

*Dr Pulaski placed her hand over her mouth, and briefly closed her eyes. Is it murder if she doesn’t have a birth certificate?*

*The doctor opened her eyes. Tasha was just standing there, very seriously, her shirt stuck to her skinny body. Her cropped blond hair spiky, droplets of water dripping down her face. And she was holding up her hands like she didn’t know what happened. *

*OK. One thing at a time. She was only introduced to the shower a few days ago after all. Something was bound to happen. "Where are the tops?"*

*Tasha dropped her hands and furrowed her brows, staring intently at Dr Pulaski's mouth. OK again. She doesn’t know what I’m asking.*

*Dr Pulaski mimed twisting tops off, "where are the tops, Tasha?"*

*Tasha watched intensely and then the light bulb literally popped on above her head. She pointed to the shelf and said something unintelligible. The doctor could see all the tops, stacked up very neatly.*

*"Oh Tasha," she sighed out, kneeling beside the bathtub to rescue as much of the liquids as she could, turning the bottles upright. Tasha crouched down on her heels, not helping but watching as the doctor quickly righted each bottle.*

*Before the doctor could reach for them, Tasha stood up quickly, reaching for the tops with her right hand. She placed them into her clawed left hand and held them to her chest. Dr Pulaski thought she was going to be difficult at first and hold onto them, but Tasha looked through the tops, pulled one out and pointed with it towards a bottle, saying something like, "dat one."*

*Sure enough when the doctor screwed it on, it was the correct top. Tasha did this for each top, studiously examining each one before assigning it to a bottle. When she was done, Tasha looked pleased with herself, peering at the doctor as if for praise.*

*Dr Pulaski looked at Tasha's candid expression and couldn’t find it in her to be angry. So she shook her head and brushed her hand over Tasha's wet spikey hair, which caused her to flinch slightly, and said "Why are you still dressed?"*

*Tasha recovered from the touch and shrugged, throwing her arms out to the side. It left Dr Pulaski wondering if she had been understood. Sometimes Tasha showed her confusion with her lack of English and sometimes she seemed to brush it aside, almost haphazardly. Tasha tilted her head to the left and to the right quickly and the doctor knew she didn’t know what had been said.*

*Making her movements slow and deliberate, Dr Pulaski reached out for the hem of Tasha's shirt, "this needs to come off." Tugging it down before lifting it, Dr Pulaski smiled and made eye contact, "its soaking wet." *

*Tasha shrunk a little bit inward, her body stiffening but kept the doctor's gaze, though her's was much more stern. Her blue eyes narrowed and her lips tightened as if she was preparing for the worse. The change from playful to dangerous was palpable in the air. But Dr Pulaski kept Tasha's gaze with her own as she slowly removed her wet shirt, and then her wet shorts so she was standing there naked. Without drawing attention to that fact, the doctor reached away and brought a large soft towel up, placing it over the back of Tasha's shoulders. It was as big as a tent on the skinny girl and it wrapped around easily. She tucked at under Tasha's chin which had been pulled in tight to her chest, and patted her shoulders lightly. *

*"There you go," she cooed and stood up, stepping back. "How about breakfast?"*

*From the way Tasha's eyes opened and her eyebrows lifted, the doctor knew for certain she didn’t understand. But before anything else could change, the doctor smiled, turned and walked out of the bathroom. She wanted it to seem natural for her to remove the girl's wet clothing and wrap her in a towel. She wanted it absolutely clear that there was no way her touch would ever be harsh or painful. That it could be done with love. Like a mother.*

Today.....

Another five minutes later....

Tasha came walking out from the bathroom. She was mumbling to herself. Dr Pulaski looked up at her as she came into the living area. Tasha's hair was wet and unbrushed. Her face slightly pink from the heat of the water. She had her towel loosely over her shoulders, covering her naked body. She looked at the doctor, her face open and unconcerned. 

"Hi Doc-Tor," Tasha said, over pronouncing both syllables. 

Dr Pulaski felt she had done something right as she smiled to herself and turned back to her desk. "Morning, Tasha."

And from the corner of her eye, she could see Tasha choose clothing from her shelf beside her bed and get dressed. 

Time. 

And patience.


	17. Not Safe

Asleep. 

Dreaming. 

A scream. 

Shouting. 

Her eyes are opening as her thoughts are becoming coherent. 

The sounds are from the other room. From where she is. 

From Tasha. 

Dr Pulaski jumped out of bed and ran to the living area of her quarters, putting the lights on. Tasha was in her bed, squirming and screaming. Screaming her head off. 

The doctor sat on the edge of Tasha's bed, she held her shoulders. But she was screaming, shaking, trembling. The blanket was on the floor. She was taking such big breathes that her ribs were showing through her shirt. 

"Sssshhhh....Tasha, you’re safe, you are OK." 

Tasha, her eyes were wide open, piercing blue with her tears running down her face. She looked everywhere, sitting bolt upright on her bed. The doctor caressed her forehead trying to break through the barrier, "Tasha, you are safe. Tasha, you are OK."

Tasha barely glanced at the doctor, roughly brushing her hand away from her head. She jumped off the bed. Scrambled around, shouting and smacking the walls. The doctor couldn’t understand it. Was she looking for a way out? But Tasha ran around her quarters like she was being chased, pushing over chairs, screaming and even banged on the window in the bedroom, running everywhere. Tasha stopped at the doctor's desk and climbed under. All the way back to the wall and shut up. She just disappeared. And was quiet. 

Her breathes were sharp, ragged. She was trying to stop breathing. Trying to hide. 

She’s in a dream, the doctor thought. Reliving something that happened. 

"Tasha, come on out. You are safe." 

Still sitting on Tasha's bed, the doctor slowly walked over to the desk. She stopped short a few feet and knelt down. Tasha was against the wall, curled tightly up into a ball on her side. Her face tucked against her knees. She was shaking. 

“Oh, Tasha.” The doctor sighed, sadly. She brought over the cover from the floor by her bed and laid it beside the girl. And sat. 

Dr Pulaski was quiet for a long while, just watching the girl, ready if she was needed. Tasha slowed her breathing and began to still. Her body began to relax and fall from the tight curl she had held herself in. Her eyes were open, red rimmed. She looked tired. Tired and scared. 

“Tasha, come on out. You are safe. Please, my sweet girl.” 

She could have sworn Tasha said no, so quietly. Her mouth barely moved. She wouldn’t look at the doctor, her stare beyond her, seeing something that wasn’t there. 

“OK. Sleep there. I’ll be in the bedroom.” 

The doctor stood, dimmed the lights and left the child there. She couldn’t think what else to do so she went back to bed. It was only two in the morning. It seemed like forever but the doctor fell back to sleep, hearing the screams from Tasha in her head. 

She slept fitfully. Waking at seven. As expected, there were no sounds coming from the other room. No mumbling. No wandering. No ahs and no ohs. Tasha was not up. 

Sigh. 

The doctor sat up, looking out the open door into the living room. The lights were off but for a faint light coming from the desk area. *She got up for her flash light.*

Dr Pulaski walked out to the other room. The flash light was switched off immediately. She stopped. 

Sigh. 

Today was going to be difficult. The doctor just could not think what to do. *How do I talk to a girl who doesn’t speak?* And if she stays under the desk, it makes it all that more difficult. 

The doctor sat on the floor with her back to the wall, facing the desk. *I’ve never sat on the floor so much.* She could just make out Tasha’s shape in the dark room. The only light coming from the bedroom. It appeared that the cover had been pulled in and hopefully used. Glancing at her bed, the doctor could see the pillow was still there. *No comfort there then.*

“Good morning, Tasha.”

As expected no response. 

"Tasha, please come out. Please talk to me. Tell me what you want, Tasha. Show me what you need."

Her pleas were met with silence. 

Dr Pulaski sat there for another five minutes just looking at where she believed Tasha's face was. Without a word, the doctor stood up and went to shower and get dressed. She came back out, put the lights on and ordered coffee and a light breakfast. She sat alone and ate without speaking. 

*She must have had a dream, something that terrified her. I can’t let her shut herself down and hide away again.*

The doctor debated whether to stay or go on into sickbay, leaving the girl here. What’s better? What’s better for Tasha? *How do I get her out?*

She walked to her desk, very aware of the girl hiding underneath and pressed the com, "Dr Pulaski to Dr Kimble."

"Go ahead, Doctor."

"Mary, any patients?"

"No. Is there something wrong?"

"Yes. Tasha seems to have had a nightmare and is hiding under my desk. She won’t come out. And she won’t engage with me. I’m going to work from here unless there’s an emergency."

"Alright. Do you want me to come over?"

"Not now. It’s still early. Maybe later."

"Ok, doctor. Let me know."

And the conversation was over. 

Dr Pulaski knelt down, and peered under with one hand on the desk. She could see Tasha, curled up under the cover, her eyes tired and open. She hadn’t slept. 

A thought. 

"Tasha, sleep. Doctor," and she pointed to her eyes and motioned about, just like Tasha did when the doctor fell asleep on the floor in sickbay. 

Tasha's eyes moved to the doctor and away, quickly, and she made a noise like a growl. 

So much for that idea. The doctor sighed. A heavy sigh. She looked at the girl whose life was now in her hands and thought. Her eyes began to tear up so she stood and cleaned up the table. She moved to the desk and picked up her padd and stood there thinking. *Small things. I need small things to show her she’s safe.*

Dr Pulaski replicated a cup of water and placed it on the floor at the edge of the desk. *I don’t want to reach under, leave her her space.* And she walked to the bathroom. She just stood in the doorway, listening. Soon she heard a bit of shuffling, then gulps, then shuffling and quiet. 

Ok. She drank the water. That’s good. She returned to the living area. The cup was still there, though empty now. The doctor replicated another and left it. She walked around her quarters, straightening up the small mess Tasha had made during the night and then sat on the sofa and began going through her work on the padd. 

Lunchtime came and there had been no change. As long as Dr Pulaski was in the room, the water remained untouched. She got up and replicated lunch for her and Tasha. For her a chicken salad and a bowl of tomato soup for Tasha. Maybe the aroma would entice her out. She sat and nibbled at her food. There was no indication the child was coming. 

As much as she tried not to, Dr Pulaski was becoming impatient. Irritated. She replicated herself a tea and continued to sit at the table. She glanced at the untouched cup of water. Sipped her tea. The soup was getting cold. She sipped her tea. It was just her and the child, why wouldn’t she come out? She sipped her tea.

Dr Pulaski strode over to the desk and knelt down, again. Tasha was under the cover, her back to the wall, staring at nothing. She appeared so tired and her face was drawn and pale. "Tasha."

The doctor picked up the cup and began to stand. 

One quiet word came out. 

Standing, the doctor wondered what she said, "What, Tasha?"

The same word, barely a whisper. 

Dr Pulaski got down on one knee, cup in hand and looked at Tasha. Her eyes were still blankly staring. "Do you want the water?"

"Wa-der." 

She wants the water. "Ok Tasha. It’s on the table. Come out for it." The doctor stood and sat back at the table, placing the cup down with a sound. 

Moments passed before Tasha began to come out from under the desk. She staggered a little to the right and shook her right leg. Perhaps it had fallen asleep from lying there for so long. She was frowning, head down and her face drained of color. She stayed by the desk and held her hand out, "Wa-Der."

"No, Tasha, come and sit down. Eat your soup."

"Wa-der," still with her hand outstretched. 

"No,Tasha." 

Moments passed. Tasha didn’t move so the doctor walked over to her and gently placed her hand at the small of the girl's back, encouraging her towards the table. Tasha didn’t budge but with a little pressure, she haltingly stepped over. But didn’t sit. Her head was down and she looked defiant. Dr Pulaski put her hand on her shoulder and pushed her down into the chair. Tasha sat heavily. 

"Come on, Tasha, eat your food. It'll make you feel better."

"No."

Dr Pulaski openly stared at the girl. 

"Tasha..."

"NO."

Tasha put her foot on the table and pushed herself and the chair away. Her ears were turning pink. "NO!"

The push caused the soup to spill over the edge. 

The doctor felt a flash of irritation and reached out, grabbing the front leg of the chair and pulled Tasha back, forcefully. "You do not put your feet on the table. Now eat your food." She spoke harshly and in a way she hadn’t before to Tasha. 

Tasha looked at the doctor, eyes wide but her chin started to tremble. She stood up so quickly the chair fell back. She scrunched her face up, clearly angry and shouted, "No No No NO NO!!”

Tasha swatted the cup over, pushed the bowl off the table and screamed, "NOOOO!"

Dr Pulaski stood and grabbed Tasha's upper left arm, pulling her away from the table before she could cause more damage. 

"What’s gotten into you? Why are you acting like this?"

Tasha screamed, like she was being hit and wiggled her arm from the doctor's grip. With all of her little body tense, she screamed "NO," using everything she had. With a stamp of her foot, Tasha ran to the bathroom. The doctor heard items fall to the floor. Then Tasha was shouting out in her language, marching around the bedroom, kicking things. 

*What have I done?*

Tasha marched back to the living area and ran about, shouting. 

"Dr Kimble to Dr Pulaski."

"Yes, Mary."

"Oh god. I can hear her. I’m on my way, Kate."

Tasha was still stalking the rooms, shouting when Mary arrived. Thankfully, the girl had stopped throwing things. She punctuated some words by hitting her head or slapping her thighs. Tasha screamed at the doctor. She crouched forward and held her head, screaming, spun around, screaming. 

Mary came to the doctor. Her eyes big. "What happened? She’s clearly extremely distressed."

"I tried to make her to sit at the table and eat. I don’t know, Mary," the doctor said, wiping her face with her hand. "I got angry with her. Lost my patience."

Tasha continued for what seemed like forever, tears streaming down her face, ranting and roaming around the quarters. She came across her latest puzzle. She stared at it, then ripped it apart, throwing the pieces around the room, crying at it. 

The doctors just stood to the side and didn’t try to stop her. 

Finally, Tasha began to wind down, breathing heavily, sweating. Her roaming led her to her bed where she jumped on it, curling up facing the wall. Not another word came from her while her breathing finally slowed and returned to normal. 

"Tasha?"

Nothing. 

"PTSD."

"What?" Dr Pulaski asked. 

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And she just had a tantrum."

"No shit."

"Kate, something set her off. What happened?"

Dr Pulaski thought. She was mentally drained after watching Tasha for what seemed like hours. Glancing at the clock, it had been forty-five minutes. Forty-five minutes of chaos. *If I’m tired, how must Tasha feel?* 

"Last night, she woke screaming. She seemed to be stuck in a dream. She ran around like she was reliving it. Then hid." The doctor mused and sighed. "What are we going to do?"

"Everything we can," said Mary, patting the other doctor on the arm. She retrieved the cover from under the desk and placed it over Tasha's small still body. "Rest, Tasha, just rest." Mary gently rubbed the child's back and stepped away when there was no response. 

"She’s shut down now, Kate. You'll have to wait her out. We will wait her out."

*Oh my sweet girl. What did I do?*


	18. Figuring Safe Out

*Oh my sweet girl. What did I do*”

Tasha just kept lying on her bed. If she moved at all it wasn’t when the doctor was present. Always on her left side, facing the wall. 

Dr Pulaski read up about PTSD with Mary. And what to do, how to respond. Dr Pulaski worked front line, immediate injuries, not long term and long lasting conditions. Definitely not psychological illnesses. She was a surgeon, not a psychologist. 

But she brought Tasha aboard. The child was her responsibility. She only knew what had happened to Tasha when she rescued her. She was being attacked by a gang of boys, assaulting her and raping her. From her injuries, the doctor knew she’d been sexually assaulted before that as well. How, she didn’t know. And what happened to her family? How did she live? Survive? 

Mary told Dr Pulaski it was important that Tasha knew and felt she was safe, and had not done anything wrong with her tantrum. 

"Like I said before, Kate. Listen to her. She may speak a different language but she’s speaking. And the translator will eventually pick it up. Watch her for clues. Her body language. Her eyes. She’s so expressive, she'll show you. What she wants and what she doesn’t want. It won’t be easy, Kate, but it will be worth it. Tasha is incredible. So intelligent and curious. Let’s just take it step by step."

Yes. Step by step. But Mary was so excited and not directly involved. *Maybe I should just give her Tasha. *

*No.*

Do not think that. Tasha was not a object to pass around. The doctor was angry with herself for thinking that. *I will come good by her.*

And Tasha had latched onto her. Her. The doctor. No one else. Just Dr Pulaski. 

Dr Pulaski came back to her quarters. Her quarters. *Ok. Our quarters. Tasha lives here too, now.*

First thing she looked for was Tasha, who was still on her side, face to the wall. 

"Hello, Tasha. I’m back. Tasha, do you want to have a shower?"

Silence. 

"Ok. I’m going to bathe if you need me." 

The doctor walked past Tasha, only slowing enough to make sure she was still breathing. All she could see of the girl was the top of her blond head. Her shoulder raised and lowered with her quiet breathing. The doctor bathed, changed and returned to the living area. 

"Do you want to eat, Tasha?"

The doctor replicated herself a light dinner. Her appetite had gone down. With no reply, she sat down and ate, telling Tasha about her day. She got herself a glass of wine, moved the the sofa and read a twentieth century novel out loud, so Tasha could listen. She read till midnight, some four hours. There had been no movement from Tasha. No noise. She replicated a cup of water and placed it on the floor beside Tasha's bed. 

"Ok, Tasha, I’m going to bed. Do you want anything?"

She went to the bedroom, changed for bed and climbed under her covers. 

"Computer, turn the lights out."

A moment later, a faint light came on from the living area. Tasha's flashlight. She doesn’t want to be in the dark. 

Ok. 

The next few days were the same. The doctor got up, spoke to Tasha, asked her to eat breakfast, and did her best to include her. But there was never a reply. On her return, she spoke with her, no reply. She’d go to bed and turn the lights off. 

But always the flash light would come on. But the doctor never had a reply. 

Tasha would not move. Would not speak. The water was untouched. 

The fourth night, Dr Pulaski went to bed. She had spoken to Tasha, read to her, ate her dinner loudly and prepared for bed, but still Tasha did not respond. 

She fell asleep. 

Something was prickling her mind. 

"Doc-tor."

It was dark.

"Doc-tor."

She stirred.

"Doc-tor?"

Dr Pulaski opened her eyes. Tasha was standing in the doorway to the living area. She was leaning in, dressed in her blue shirt and boxer shorts. Her hands were held together, hopeful and her eyes were big and worried. 

*What does Tasha want?*she thought lazily. 

The doctor tried to clear her mind. Tried to wake up. 

"Come. Breakfast. Tasha."

What?

"Come. Eat. Break-Fast. Tasha."

Tasha was asking her to eat with her. 

The doctor rubbed her eyes, her face. These were words she had been using with Tasha. 

"Doc-tor. Peathe. Eat. Break-fathtttt wittt Tatha."

Dr Pulaski sat up and saw the young girl standing at the open doorway to her bedroom. A line Tasha never crossed. And here the girl was leaning across that barrier. 

"Doc-tor. Peathe. Eat. Break-fathtttt wittt Tatha."

"Yes, Tasha. I would like to eat breakfast with you." 

Turning the lights on, Dr Pulaski got out of bed and walked to the girl. Tasha looked up at her, timidly, turned and ran to the replicator. She pointed to the doctor's seat. After the doctor sat down, Tasha looked back to her for guidance. 

"Maybe water, Tasha."

Tasha said, "Wa-der pleathe."

A cup appeared. Tasha moved it to the table. She looked to the doctor for what she wanted. 

"A cup of coffee, please."

Tasha turned to the replicator, "Cup o' cof-fee pleathe." 

The replicator made it for her and she moved it to the doctor's place. 

Tasha looked to the doctor, as if to see what she wanted. 

"Omelette with cheese please."

Tasha nodded and looked to the replicator, "Om-let wit cheez pleathe."

When it materialised, Tasha picked it up with both hands and moved it to Dr Pulaski's place. 

The girl looked at the doctor with adoration. Tasha pointed to herself. 

"Maybe a bowl of tomato soup for you, Tasha." 

She nodded and said, "Bo o toe-maa toe thoop, pleathe."

She spoke so slowly, trying to enunciate each sound. Tasha placed it where she sat very carefully and slid onto her chair. She was breathing heavily. "Eat."

Dr Pulaski slowly ate her omelette while Tasha sipped her soup from the side of the bowl. It disappeared in some slurps when the temperature cooled enough. She then gulped her water down. Tasha always ate her meal quickly. She watched the doctor, expectantly. The girl's eyes were tired with dark shadows below them. 

*She's exhausted.*

While the doctor ate, Tasha wrung her hands together and swung her feet, crossing and uncrossing them. Her brows were curled up and mouth tight. 

*She's anxious.*

Dr Pulaski finished her omelette and placed her hands lightly beside the plate. "Thank you, Tasha."

Tasha nodded and dropped her head. 

Silence. 

"Tasha sorry."

With her head down, the doctor was looking at her blond crown. “What?”

"Tasha sorry."

It sounded like "Tatha thawry" but it was clear to the doctor. The girl lifted her face and her blue eyes were glistening. 

"Oh, Tasha, why are you sorry?"

Tasha nodded her eyes around and moved her right hand in a circle, "for what got-ten intoo tatha."

*For what gotten into her.*

Those were Dr Pulaski's words. That was what she said to her in anger. *Dear god. Did I hurt her?* She opened her mouth to speak. No. Let her speak. The doctor smiled at the girl. 

Tasha sat on her hands and bowed her head down. She suddenly looked very small in the chair. She made some noises and spoke but not anything the doctor could understand. Tasha looked so sad. Sad and ashamed. 

"It’s OK, Tasha. You do not have anything to be sorry about."

"Oh-Kay," Tasha looked up at her. "Thee. Tatha thee." 

See. 

She pointed at her eyes and then patted her forehead, "Tatha thee."

In her head. "Did you dream? When you slept, Tasha?"

"Thleep? Hmmm. Dreeem."

She dreamt something. 

Tasha then went on in her own language, with difficulty. She used her hands, and moved her body about. She held up her fingers, seemingly to count, coming to more than ten. 

“Tatha want thleep. Tatha want wad-dee,” she said, holding her hands up, “But no.”

She said "ow ow" when punching at her mouth. 

Words streamed from Tasha as she tried to tell her story, pulling her clothing, covering her mouth. “Ow. Ow. Ow,” she said and curled forward, squirming, placing her hands over her crotch. 

Tasha heaved a big breath but continued through hiccups. She held up her left hand, “Ow.” She moved her legs as if to stamp on her right foot, looking to Dr Pulaski with pleading eyes. 

“Ow ow,” she said with so much pain in her eyes. So much forgotten pain. Tasha helplessly held her hands up, “Tatha thleep,” and kept speaking. 

Tasha told the doctor her story. She spoke of herself in the third person, referring to Tasha. It took her some ten minutes to get it out. It looked like it was physically painful for the child to speak. Tears were streaming down her pale face and she hiccuped but she continued. It seemed important to her, the way she acted it out. Her body twisting and curling up. When she finished, she heaved. Tasha doubled over, her head on her knees. Quiet. Breathing. In. And out. 

In. 

And out. 

Tasha had never spoken so much at once. 

But now the doctor couldn’t speak. She didn’t know what to say. It was so clear Tasha just told her about her sexual assault. She stared at the girl. The brave little girl. Her sweet girl. Her own eyes began to blur with tears. 

"Doc-tor?"

Something brushed Dr Pulaski's shoulder. She had closed her eyes. 

Tasha was suddenly standing before her. Her knees touching the doctor's. Tasha reached out and roughly caressed the doctor's face, wiping her tears away. 

Tasha leant close and placed her lips on Dr Pulaski’s temple, leaving them for a moment before pulling away. 

"Feel good to Tatha."

The doctor had only kissed the child once, when she was tickling her. And she remembered. Her tears ran freely down her face as she reached up to hold Tasha's face. 

“Feels good to doctor, too, Tasha.”

Tasha closed her eyes and her breath in hiccuped. She leaned in and Dr Pulaski pulled her onto her lap. Tasha went limp against the doctor's chest so she held her, kissing the top of her head. Her cropped blond hair was musky and needed a wash. But she kissed her. And held her, softly and gently. 

Tasha's skinny body shook for a while as she cried silently. Then she stilled. Her breathing evened out and her body relaxed. 

*She's fallen asleep.*

Dr Pulaski continued to sit there and hold the child who hadn’t wanted to be touched until now. Tasha's head resting on her breast. The doctor laid her cheek on her soft hair. 

"My sweet girl," she whispered. "What happened to you?"

She stayed like that, feeling Tasha's body breathe against her, her heart beat through her skinny chest. Her warm head on her breast. Trying to provide the safety she so deserved. It made her think of her own daughter, who was grown and beyond this type of affection now. Dr Pulaski cried without making any noise. 

She wanted to just stay here, like this forever. Holding Tasha. Making her feel safe and loved. Making the doctor feel loved. Had the child ever felt love before? Did she even know what love was? She cried for a short while longer while Tasha slept in her arms. 

Dr Pulaski lifted Tasha up gently and carried her to her bed. The doctor's bed, placing her on the left side. She pulled the covers over the girl and kissed her forehead, and smoothed her hair. The doctor turned the side lamp on low and walked over to the other side of the bed. She told the computer to turn the lights off and looked at the clock. It was three in the morning. 

The doctor slid carefully into her bed and turned on her side to look at Tasha sleeping. The child's face was serene and peaceful. The tear tracks could be seen in the low light. Her cheeks were pink. Her nose straight. Her eyebrows dark and relaxed. Blond hair glowing in the dim light. She was a beautiful girl. And Dr Pulaski wanted to hold her until everything was all right again. 

Dr Pulaski knew she had fallen asleep because she woke up. It was the snoring next to her. She turned and saw Tasha on her front, legs and arms splayed out like a little star fish. Her head to the side, off of the pillow. Her mouth open, with drool dripping onto the sheet. She’d pushed the cover off of her like she usually did. Her shirt had ridden up and the scars on her back were visible as were her ribs. At least she was sleeping. 

Quietly the doctor got out of bed. It was just before eight. She was surprized she had slept five hours. She went out to the living room and called Mary. 

"I’m going to be in later, not sure what time."

"Is everything alright?"

She sighed a happy sigh. "Yes, thankfully. Tasha woke me up and spoke to me. She’s asleep in my bed."

"That’s great!" And Mary’s voice reflected her joy. 

"Yes. And I’m going to go back to sleep and let her wake on her own. See how she is and see if this episode has passed."

"Yes of course. I’m sure we can manage here. It would be good to see Tasha if she comes to sickbay later with you."

"Small steps, Mary, small steps."

Laughter. "Yes, small steps."

Dr Pulaski got Tasha a cup of water and retrieved her flashlight from beside the window where it seemed to have been dropped. She placed these on the side table beside Tasha before returning to the other side of the bed. Sleep came to her quicker than she expected.


	19. Teetering On Safe

"Hereth one."

"And here. And here."

It was Tasha's childlike voice, coming from the living room. 

"Ah."

The spot next to the doctor in bed was vacant and cool. The cup of water empty. The flashlight gone. She got up and walked to the living room, leaning on the open door frame. 

Tasha was on her hands and knees, crawling under the dining table. "Here." She was talking out loud to herself. Oh, how she had missed that sound. 

"Tasha. What are you doing?"

"OH!"

She sat back on her heels and hit her head on the underside of the table. "Ow," she exclaimed, rubbing the top of her head, sitting heavily back on her bottom. She crawled out, all the way to the doctor before standing. Tasha cupped her left hand and held it out for Dr Pulaski to see. She looked happy, still no smile, but her eyes were shining and not with tears this time. 

"Thee?"

Dr Pulaski looked and Tasha was holding a dozen or so small puzzle pieces. Glancing to the window sill, she saw Tasha had put it back together. 

"Piethes all round," Tasha said, making round sound round. She spread her arms out and turned on the spot. A few pieces escaped from her clawed left hand. 

"Oh," she squatted down and picked them up, carefully. 

The doctor laughed and went to the replicator for some coffee. There was an empty cup on the table. But the early morning impromptu breakfast dishes had been cleared away. By Tasha. She smiled. 

Muttering to herself, Tasha returned to her puzzle, placed one piece and turned around. Dr Pulaski was seated and just watched. She sipped her coffee. Tasha stared at her for a while then walked to the replicator and asked for water. She drank it down, placed the cup back and asked for another. She drank that and then another. 

"Tasha, you don’t need to drink so much water at once."

Tasha cocked her head, lifted the front of her shirt and patted her slightly swollen stomach. She had drunk that much water. She looked pleased. "Wa-der!”

"Hmmm, yes you have water in your belly."

"Ha ha. Tatha hath wa-der belly!" She patted her stomach again. Did Tasha try mimicking a laugh? 

This was something the doctor thought about a bit. Why did Tasha drink so much water all at once? Was it that hard to come by on her home world that she drank it all when she had it? Filling up in case she couldn’t find more? 

"Tasha," the doctor reached out and pulled her shirt down, and playfully messed up her cropped hair, "you need a shower."

Tasha hummed and spun around and left in the direction of the bathroom, muttering "wa-der belly."

Dr Pulaski sipped her coffee, listening to Tasha in the shower. The difference in her behavior was so different from yesterday. But quick and extreme changes in mood were to be expected, Mary had said. Maybe telling her story had been therapeutic. Whatever, the doctor was glad this episode was over. But surely another loomed in the future. 

Movement lifted the doctor's thoughtful gaze. Tasha walked into the living room stark naked, still dripping from the shower. 

"Tasha! What have I said about walking around without your clothes on?"

Tasha cocked her head and squished up her eyes, thinking. "Ah," she threw her skinny arms up, "Tatha no no."

"You don’t because someone could be here. And I am sure there are towels in that bathroom." The doctor went and collected a towel, coming back and drying Tasha off. The girl squealed with glee when her head was covered with the towel. She pulled it off and looked up at Dr Pulaski with a slight toothless grin. 

"Put your clothes on," she said, smiling. 

Tasha sifted through her small pile of shirts, muttering "no no no," before choosing some underpants and loose sports trousers. She put them on, teetering on one foot. Still shirtless, she walked back to the bathroom and came out with her blue shirt she had been wearing for the last four days. She held it out to Dr Pulaski, questioning, "Tatha?"

"No you can’t wear that again. Pick another one," she said, taking it from the girl's hand. 

"Hmph," Tasha grumbled but picked out a green shirt and pulled it on over her head. 

"Do you want breakfast, Tasha?"

"Tatha had wa-der."

"That’s not breakfast. Will you eat some scrambled eggs?"

"Um, OK."

The doctor was dubious but replicated some scrambled eggs for Tasha. Because she was missing her front teeth, Dr Pulaski was careful of what food she made her. 

Tasha sat dutifully at the table, her hands resting palms down. She looked up and around as if her food would arrive on a magic carpet. Dr Pulaski laid her plate down and was getting a fork, but Tasha started eating with her fingers. She was hungry. Before the doctor knew it, the food was gone and Tasha was licking her fingers. 

"Datth gooood," she said. 

"That’s not dats. Would you like more?" Dr Pulaski was having an image of Tasha actually putting on weight for a moment, but....

"No." 

"Are you sure?"

Frown. Eyebrows down. "Yeth."

"Alright then. Let me know when you get hungry," the doctor cleared the table. 

"OK."

Tasha just sat there, staring at her hands on the table, swinging her legs. 

"Tasha? Are you OK?"

The girl looked up at the doctor, her eyes worried. She sat back, dropping her hands into her lap, loosely. 

"Um, yea."

Something was wrong. 

"Tasha."

A little whine emitted from Tasha. She rubbed her eyes and wiped her hands on her pants. 

"Tasha. Do you want to talk about it?"

Her expression was pained and she doubled over, resting her head on her knees. *Like she did last night when telling her story.*

Dr Pulaski got down on one knee and gently placed her hand on Tasha's back and spoke quietly, "Tasha, tell me what’s wrong."

Tasha turned her face to the doctor, her head still on her knees. She muttered in her language. Then sat up, sliding off the chair. She walked around in circles for a few moments before squatting down with a shout, wrapping her arms around her head, "no no no no."

Dr Pulaski crawled over to her and placed her hand again on Tasha's back again, saying, "my sweet girl."

Without warning, Tasha just fell sideways into the doctor's body. She caught her and held onto her, stroking her slightly damp hair.

"Shhh, it’s alright, Tasha. It’s ok," Dr Pulaski whispered. 

Tasha began to hum tunelessly as she relaxed into the doctor's hold. 

"Thee. Tatha thee." She smacked her forehead causing the doctor to take her hand before she could hit herself again. 

"You keep seeing your dream. Is it a memory? Something that happened long ago?"

Tasha looked up at her, eyebrows twisted up, her mouth open. She doesn’t understand. 

Tapping the girl's forehead, "Tasha sees hurt in here."

"Yeth, ow. Ow. Hurt Tatha. No good."

Dr Pulaski kissed her forehead. "Does that hurt?"

Tasha's eyes were wide, "what dat?"

"It’s a kiss."

"Kith? Kith feel good."

"Yes kisses feel good," and she kissed her temple gently again. “You kissed me last night.”

“Tatha no dat.”

“THAT not dat.”

Tasha just hummed with her eyes closed. They rocked together, Tasha's sharp shoulder pressing into the doctor's chest. Everything was still. Everything was quiet. Then she just scrambled up, going to her puzzle, putting all of her attention into placing the next piece. Dr Pulaski sat and watched the sheer focus Tasha put into the puzzle. She seemed to forget everything else. 

The doctor wished she had just stayed still in her arms for a few minutes longer. 

Sighing, the doctor stood up, taking Tasha’s blue shirt to clean and went and showered. After she dressed she returned to the living room. Tasha was still at her puzzle, lost in the city scape that she was assembling. 

“Tasha, do you want to come to sickbay with me?”

Tasha stopped. She put her piece down and turned to the doctor. Her body seemed to shake and her eyes froze. “Yeth, pleathe.”

But she didn’t sound sure. 

*She’s making herself go. She’s trying not to hide.*

“Okay, Tasha. It will be alright,” said the doctor and she smiled. Tasha seemed to relax, soften her body, her expression. She dropped her hands and walked to stand next to the doctor. 

“You ready?”

Head nodding, eyes wide, Tasha blinked at the doctor. She then turned and ran to her bed, carefully picking up her flashlight and hiding it under her shirt before returning to the doctor. 

Dr Pulaski smiled at the girl, “That’s my brave sweet girl. Let’s go.” 

She walked to the door and opened it, Tasha rushed to her side. 

“I’m not going to leave you, Tasha.”

The only response she got was a tap from Tasha’s forehead when she nodded into her shoulder. That was enough. Tasha may not have understood the words but she understood the message. And the girl was right beside the doctor until sickbay.


	20. Saved?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I made it to Chapter 20 I thought I’d change perspective and see if I could capture Tasha’s side to this story....

Crap. 

The darkness lifted. 

Crap.

*My cheek hurts. *

Crap.

*I’ve been caught. *

Crap.

*What happened? *

Then the world exploded. 

They’re on top of her. One of them is ramming himself inside her. 

*My knife! Where is my knife?*

She screams. She kicks. She bites. She feels like she is being stabbed between her legs.

*Damn this hurts!*

Then he drops. 

But there is another one. And it hurts all over again. And he rams himself inside her. 

Crap.

It hurts like nothing before. And she has felt pain. 

Then he drops. 

Nothing. 

Nothing. 

She curls up in pain. Places her hands around her to protect herself, front and back. Gathers up her strength. And the ground disappears. 

Another appears!

White. Clean. Cold. 

Stay still. Stay still. Stay still. 

There are others here.

Stay still. 

She explodes. 

She shouts, "Get away!"

Throwing her arms out to protect herself, she takes in this new place. How did she get here? Where is here? There’s a big woman coming at her. The girl jumps up to run, but where? It’s a room. 

A door!

She stumbles as she runs to the door. Damn her foot. The door doesn’t open. No time. 

Move. Don’t keep her back to the woman. The woman is staring at her. 

*She's bigger than me. Don’t let her get ahold of me.*

There’s a man!

Hide. 

Space. There. Under the metal tables. Move. Move. 

Move. 

Hide. 

*If you can’t be seen, you can’t be hurt.* 

Under the metal tables the girl scampered. Right back to the wall. 

Hide. 

Slow the breathing. 

Watch. 

Listen.

Watch. 

Listen.

Watch. 

The lights go dim. And everyone leaves. 

Stay. 

Stay. 

Watch. 

Listen.

Breathe.


	21. Four Cycles Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tasha’s mirror the Doctor’s story

Stay. 

Better to stay hidden safe and die than be found and hurt. 

So she stayed. Underneath the metal tables. At least she was safe. And it was warm. And the place didn’t smell. It smelled different to what she was used to. She didn’t know how long she was there but no one came to hurt her. 

The lights went up and down, almost like cycles, maybe four times. Maybe four cycles. It seemed like the girl was there for a long time. She could hide. She was patient. She could be still forever. Hide and be safe. That’s why she was caught by the boy gang. She wasn’t hiding. 

Thankfully she hadn’t had any life liquid lately cause she’d have to pee. But the girl couldn’t figure out where she was. It was a room that was square, and clean. Only one door. One door that didn’t open for her. And there was no handle. 

Then there was the pain. She felt it more when she was hiding. 

Her face hurt. By her nose. Maybe busted. Touching it hurt. And the place in between her legs hurt. She could feel wetness there. She knew she had been smashed there. The men had caught her and she had been weak. Smashed her too many times. She hurt. Hurt so much. 

So much more than usual. 

At least they didn’t smash her in the face this time. That had been many many cycles ago and she bit the boy. She lost her teeth for that. And smashed in the face. 

And a big woman kept coming in, talking to her in some voice. This woman looked at her where she hid but didn’t come after her; didn’t try to grab her. 

What was this big woman? Her face didn’t look angry. 

Then she came in and placed a clear vessel near the table. The girl recognized it as life liquid. She wanted it. Hungry for it. The woman was talking, taking in her own life liquid. Her stomach moved. She ached for the liquid. Slowly she wiggled closer to the edge away from the wall. 

The girl knew she shouldn’t. It hurt to move. But....

Be safe. Be slow. She reached out and dragged it under the table. Tested it. It was cool. It tasted clean. It soothed her hot head. Her head hurt. But she couldn’t drink it. Not under the table. It spilled. 

*Stupid, girl. Be careful. Don’t waste life liquid!*

Rubbish. 

The girl was going to have to come out. She didn’t want to. That was giving up her hiding place. Giving up safe. But....

She pushed the vessel back out. Not too close to the big woman so she couldn’t take it back. 

She looked out. Only the big woman was there. Sitting away with more life liquid. Maybe she was safe. She hadn’t tried to hurt the girl yet. Stare at her. Stare so she knows she see her. So the girl looks more dangerous. So....

She needed the life liquid. Wanted it. 

She slowly moved out. She kept her eyes on the big woman. And sat with her back to the table. It was cold. The big woman had cloth on her body, covering her. All of her. The girl was naked. Her cloth had been cut off. So she curled up her legs and tried to hide her body. Did this big woman want her? 

The woman did something with her face. Her mouth turned up. She looked strange. So the girl stared at her. Hard. 

Oh the girl's stomach ached. Was it thirst? No it always ached. Reminded her she was alive. But she was so thirsty....

The life liquid sat there in the vessel. She looked at it. She picked it up and tested it. It seemed fine. So she drank it. All of it. It was so clean. So cool. So good. 

It could be bad but she didn’t care. She couldn’t remember when she had drank last. Clean life liquid. Even what missed her mouth felt good on her skin. 

She set the vessel out for more. If this big woman had life liquid to spare, the girl was going to take advantage. Drink as much as she could. 

And she had more life liquid in a few moments than she had in the last few cycles. Her stomach felt full. Her head stopped hurting. But her eyes felt droopy. Her head was falling. 

Falling. 

Falling and she couldn’t stop it. Was she tricked? Was this big woman going to hurt her? Smash her? She couldn’t fall into darkness. Fight. 

*Stupid girl. Stop hiding and get caught.*

No.

Darkness.


	22. Saved from Pain

Sleep.

She had fallen asleep. 

She felt warm. She felt soft. She was confused. She was scared but felt safe so a tiny noise escapes. Why? 

Without moving, the girl opens her eyes. A room. Ah, yes, she had been taken from the street and put in this room. The light was low. She felt softness all around her. Sitting up, she saw she was on some platform with a soft covering, under her and over her. Ah, she had cloth on. Soft clean cloth that covered her body. And it smelled so good. She pulled it over her nose to breath it in. 

Ah.

*My hands?*

Turning them around, they were clean too. So white. The girl couldn’t remember seeing her skin clean, pushing the cloth up her arms. Clean too. She pushed the cover off of her and her legs were in cloth too. Soft cloth. And clean.

Dirty was easier to hide in.

Damn. 

Distracted by softness. 

The girl got off the platform. It was high. Her bad foot hurt when she landed on the floor. The pain there brought her back, out of the softness. But...

Something was wrong. 

Something was different. 

Lifting up the cloth over her stomach, she looked down the lower cloth. She hadn’t been smashed again. But she didn’t feel pain in her stomach. Rubbing it to check, there was no pain there, inside. 

"Oh."

Confused, the girl scratched her head.

"Ah!"

She looked up. Her head was soft and smooth. Her head was clean, running her fingers through it. It felt nice. She closed her eyes, breathed in the fresh scents, touching the softness of her head and felt no pain. When was the last time she felt no pain from inside?

Girl couldn’t remember. And she was good with remembering. 

Where was she? The girl opened her eyes and gazed around. One door, moving to it. It doesn’t open like some doors. There was no handle. How does it open? She moved around the door, getting mad. She blew out air, hating to be defeated. 

What else? What else was here?

Lots of table things. Smooth, cool, clean metal tables. The girl picked up what she found, seeing if it would be useful, if it could be a weapon. Checking things. 

*What does this do?*

Her finger passed over a small part and the end came on. Light! Yes! Yes! Very useful. The girl can hide and see. She hid this under her cloth out of sight. 

Once she finished looking around, she spun to take it in quickly. Sometimes things stand out if she looks quickly. Nothing new. 

Not being able to escape, the girl decided to hide again. Wait. See. She went to the table she hid under and checked it. It looked clean. No traps. Safe. 

Standing, she thought it was hard under there. Stupid woman left nice soft things on the platform, so the girl decided to take them for herself. If woman has these to leave around, she can loose them. The girl took the soft things from the platform and pushed them under her table and slid under after. Trying to get comfortable, she hit her head on the metal. 

"Ow," that hurt, rubbing it. Head felt nice though. 

The girl managed to curl up in the cloth with the big soft thing under her head. She never had anything like these and never thought something could make hiding more comfortable. It was soft. Smelled nice. She felt clean. 

Maybe here was not too bad. 

A swoosh sound. The door opened. The girl's heart beat raced. The light came up. She felt for her own small light and wrapped her good hand around it. It could be used to fight if she needed. 

She was scared. She didn’t want to be hurt. To be smashed. Could a woman smash her like the boys did? She didn’t know any women. Only one but that was long ago. And she was mean but she didn’t hurt the girl, really.

The big woman said something. The girl recognized her voice. She was good at remembering things. She saw feet at her table. The feet had covers on them. 

Her heart felt like it was beating through her chest. She could hear it. 

Then hands. The woman looked under. Looked into the girl's hiding place. Her safe place. 

Stay away. 

Stay put.

The girl stared at her. Made her face hard. Unreadable. Don’t look nice. 

The woman said something, making that funny face.

Do not respond. Stare at the woman. Make her go away. So scared. Stare. 

The woman sat back and said, "Shit."

Somewhere in her head, the girl recognized that word. She was good at remembering. But she was not going to let this big woman know. Keep it to herself. She was safer that way. 

So the girl stayed wrapped up in the soft, clean cover, feeling warmth like she couldn’t remember, couldn’t remember when she felt that way last. Which annoyed the girl. Because she was good at that. Good at remembering.


	23. Discovering a Safe Space

It was easier to hide with these soft things. The girl was warm and didn’t want to come out. Definitely not when the big woman was there. After she said shit, she left. And left the lights up. 

Two problems the girl could think of. One, she was going to need to pee at some point. She didn’t like peeing where she hid. Especially now as her soft things smelled so nice. Two, she would need to find food from somewhere. And more life liquid. Especially if it was as good as what she had before. She could drink that all the time. 

So at the moment those were her two priorities. She felt safe, as long as she doesn’t fall asleep, and she was warm, dry and very comfortable. 

And there was no inside pain. The place in between her legs hurt a bit but no pain inside was bliss. Almost made her forget to be careful. 

The swooshing sound happened. Two times. It must be the big woman again. Stay put. Do not give up hiding place again. The girl snuggled her head down more into the cloth cover. A vessel was put on the floor near her table. She could see it was life liquid. Suddenly her mouth was dry and she wanted it. 

Stay put. 

When the big woman looked under at her, she pulled the cover tight and stared at her, hard. Look scary. 

The woman did that strange thing with her mouth and said something. It was a word she had said before. "Hello." What was that? 

The big woman sat on the floor near the platform and began talking. Talking too much and too fast. The girl couldn’t understand her. But she stayed put. Made no sounds. And watched her legs. When the woman finally stopped, she left. 

And she didn’t take the life liquid with her. 

The swoosh sound went two times. So the door was closed again. But the girl was patient. She waited longer. 

And waited. 

She pulled the cover off of her and slid to the edge, looking out. She couldn’t see anyone. It seemed safe so she slid out quickly, gulped the life liquid down and got back under, hiding, wrapping in the cover. Looking out. 

Nothing happened. She got away with it. 

The girl had to be so careful when leaving her hide. She left to find food and the boy gang found her. Stupid girl looked in daytime. Should wait till dark. But she was hungry and stupid. It cost her her cat. And she got smashed. Too many times. It had been a long time since that had happened. She didn’t want it to happen ever again. 

Now she couldn’t sleep. Her cat wasn’t here to look over her, wake her if there was danger. She was sad about her cat. 

So she stayed awake. It was harder here because she was warm and comfortable. And no inside pain. She felt her eyes become heavy. But she bent the fingers of her bad hand to keep her awake. A little pain to chase sleep away. 

The big woman came back. She did the same thing. Said hello and sat. She left another vessel of life liquid. The girl waited again for her to talk and talk, then leave before coming out to drink the liquid. It was so good. And cool. Soothed her throat which hurt from screaming. 

Maybe it was safe here. The big woman hadn’t tried to hurt her or grab her. She brought the girl life liquid. And somehow, her inside pain was gone. And her face didn’t hurt anymore. 

No. That kind of thinking gets the girl hurt. Last time she trusted someone for food, she was hurt. She was smashed. Bad. The food wasn’t worth that. Never again. 

The lights went low. Like dark time. The girl waited. She wanted to come out. To explore this room again. Maybe big woman was stupid enough to leave something there. She waited a long time then unwrapped herself to slide out. 

She had her own light to see. Sitting on the floor, she looked around. There were no sounds. So she stood up, quietly. When she needed to be, the girl could move without making a sound. She had practiced and practiced. 

First, she looked around. There was something making light on the platform. 

Second, she turned her light on and pointed at around the room. Nothing. 

So she stepped without sound to the platform and peered at the object. It had many colors. She touched it gently with her good hand. Her bad one wasn’t careful enough. Laying her light down, the girl picked it up with both hands, turning it around. It was bent in the middle and square. The smaller part bent in, laying against the square part. The lights went out. She was intrigued. She didn’t know what it was but it could be useful. She placed it on the floor by her table. 

Ah! 

The vessel was still there. It was empty. And the girl needed to pee. Quietly she took the vessel to the other side of the room. She stood still. Listening. Looking. When she was sure she was alone, she pulled her bottom cover down and squatted, and peed in the vessel. When she was done, she pushed it under another table, away from hers. 

Big woman could find this to empty. 

The girl then walked around her room. The door still didn’t open. There was nothing else new to find. So the girl walked a few laps around the room to move about, loosen up, to keep her body strong. She then returned to her table and climbed under, taking the new little box with her. Once she was wrapped up, warm, she opened up the box, making it light up. 

It beeped. 

She froze. Listening. Nothing. 

The open part had buttons, so she pushed them. It made different sounds but nothing else. It was interesting but she couldn’t figure out what it did. There was writing but not that she could understand. Not that she could read. She didn’t need to. She just recognized different symbols. 

She folded the box back up and found a hiding place for it under the table. Getting ready to wait out the dark time, she wiggled her back up against the wall, half on her side to keep an eye out until the light came up. 

She hoped for more life liquid. 

The light came up when the girl was thinking through ways to protect herself should the big woman attack her. One swoosh. The door. Feet came into view and the big woman said "hello."

The girl pulled the cover tight around her and drew her eyes down to look mean. 

The big woman sat on the floor and placed a vessel down. She said something. Then she looked under at the girl. She did that strange thing to her mouth, making the girl frown at her. Big woman said something else and pushed the vessel towards her. 

The girl didn’t move. What does Big Woman want? What does she think the girl was going to do? Come out? Trust her? Just like that? The girl could be stupid but not this time. She wasn’t going to make those mistakes again. 

Big Woman's face fell and she sat back,and started talking again. She talked too much. The girl kept her thoughts to herself. She had no one to share with, but....

One swoosh. 

There had only been one swoosh. 

While she talked, she wasn’t paying attention to the girl, so she slid forward to look out. Carefully. Slowly. Quietly. 

The cover made noise against the table. Stupid girl. Take comfort over safety and make mistakes. She slowed down, watching Big Woman to see what she would do. She just kept talking and talking. Maybe she didn’t hear girl's stupid mistake. 

Without taking her eyes off of Big Woman, she poked her head out. The woman kept talking, looking at flimsy paper pack. 

Yes! 

The door. 

The girl saw it was open. One swoosh. The girl knew. Stupid Big Woman didn’t close it. Mistake from her would be the girl's escape. She had to wait. She had to be patient. So she stayed still, watching. 

As Big Woman kept talking, the girl slid out, coming to her knees and had her hands on the floor, ready. 

Finally, Big Woman stopped talking and looked at her. The girl stared at her. 

"Hello."

Stare at Big Woman. Make movements slow. She stood up and stared at the woman. Her heart was beating fast. She could do this. She could get out. 

The girl knew where the door was, she didn’t have to look to it. She remembered the layout of the room. Walk to the door. Stay away from Big Woman. Who watched her move. The girl was next to the open door now. 

Breathe deep. 

She turned and walked through. Another room. Another woman. 

The girl hadn’t met a woman for many many cycles, then two at once! 

This woman was smaller, about the girl's height. But heavier. But the girl was small. She knew that. Made it easier to hide. 

This woman spoke and did the same strange thing with her mouth that Big Woman did. It made the girl nervous. “Hello.” She backed back into her room. She was scared. Her heart beat so hard it hurt. She couldn’t escape this cycle. 

She turned around and leant against the wall by the door and saw Big Woman watching her. Her face didn’t show anything but didn’t look mean. Didn’t look like she wanted to hurt the girl. She looked like she was sorry for the girl. Was this a trick? 

The girl slowly moved around the room, close to the tables, back to her's. Big Woman still sat on the floor, with her paper pack on her legs. Her hands still, holding it. What was that? 

What to do? The girl was confused. She was frightened but not of the Big Woman. She should be. Be afraid of everyone. Trust no one. But....

Taking in a big breath, she sagged. Let her body relax and sat down. Trying to read Big Woman. She leant forward and then back, leaning against her table. Watching. Waiting. She refreshed her thoughts by sniffing the smell of her top cover. It did smell nice. 

Big Woman raised her paper pack and began talking again. So she listened. 

The vessel. 

The girl glanced at it. It wasn’t life liquid. It wasn’t clear. It was cloudy. Slowly, she dipped a finger in it and tasted it. Hmmm... she did that again and let it rest on her tongue, looking up. Hmmm.... it was thicker than life liquid. And stronger taste. But good. Being careful, she picked it up with both hands and looked at it. It smelled like nothing she’d ever smelled before. So she sipped it, letting it linger in her mouth. Hmmm....yes she could drink this. It was like liquid food. Before she could stop herself, she drank it down. She was hungry. All of it before Big Woman could stop her. It didn’t all fall out at once so she waited for the last bit. 

When it was empty she saw Big Woman was watching her. So she pushed the empty vessel to her with her foot. Show her she drank it and wasn’t afraid of her. 

Stare at her. Make her scared. 

Big Woman started talking again. Talking. Talking. Talking. 

Did it mean anything?

Talking. 

Her head fell. She stopped it and pushed it up. Her eyes were closing and she tried to fight it. Fight. It. 

The girl couldn’t fall asleep. Not here. In the open. She needed to get under... get safe.... but her thoughts were..... disappearing.... darkness was pulling at her, dragging her under, into darkness....

.....light. Around the corner. She needed to get back to her hide....there were footsteps....voices taunting her....move move move.....a hand covered her mouth.....

"Ah," she cried out and twisted. She can get away but she was lying on a platform....not in her alley......

"....OK.....safe...."

Big Woman......and......

A man. A big man. 

Her heart stopped. Shout at him! Shout at him! But her mouth moved and nothing came out. Her mouth betrayed her....it moved and made no sound. 

Move, stupid girl, MOVE!! 

She jumped off the bed and her bad foot gave way, falling to the floor. The door! It’s open! Run run run!

The floor seemed slippery as she ran for the door and through it. But she didn’t look. Didn’t pay attention. And a seat was it her way. She hit it and it spun, she fell to the floor, crying out. Crawl crawl, get away. Her heart beat so hard, her chest was going to burst. "Ow ow," she hit her head, her face and dropped to the floor. Panicking she couldn’t see, couldn’t think. Her liquid life was dripping from her eyes blurring her sight. Fear took her over.....

Then the floor flew away from her feet. She was lifted up....by Him.

Incoherently, she screamed. All she could see was him. Squeezing her arm, pulling her. He can’t have her, can’t smash her. 

Not again. 

He’s so big. Bigger than anyone she’d ever seen. She kicked. Punched. Her bad hand could only swat him. "Let me go!!" 

She found her voice. "You can’t have me! Let go, you bastard. Give me myself!"

Far away, she heard Big Woman say something. Not shouting but clear. 

Suddenly Big Man let her go. She stood, stumbled back and looked up at him. 

Be strong. 

"Get away from me! Go! Go!"

Be brave. 

"Go away!!"

Big Man moved away. But stared at the girl. 

She couldn’t breathe. She did the thing she said she never would do again. She froze. And she couldn’t stop herself. Her body would not listen. Her mind screamed and screamed but her body was cold. She shook. Even after Big Man disappeared, the girl was frozen. 

Shaking. Shaking. Had she ever been so scared? Her thoughts were running. Run. She should run. 

A touch. On her shoulder. Eyes. Not Big Man eyes. 

".....OK.....Safe....."

A voice. Breaking through her mania. 

"...OK.....OK...OK..."

Big Woman. Touching her. Holding her eyes. Reaching, reaching, reaching for her. Liquid was dripping down the girl's face. She felt her hands shaking. And stared at Big Woman. Holding on. Breathing. 

Lost. She got lost. Everything disappeared. 

The girl was standing in the other room. Big Woman was talking to her, "Safe. OK." 

She was cold. 

*OK OK OK OK*

The girl slowly returned to her body. 

Her bottom clothing was wet. She’d peed herself. Crap. Why did she pee herself? She covered the wet area and whined, upset with herself. She saw Big Woman had noticed. She lost her strength. She was weak before Big Woman. 

But Big Woman said, "OK," and lead her to another room. The girl didn’t have the strength to not follow, hanging her head. She failed. Put in front of what she feared the most, she froze. She failed. 

Big Woman patted her back, so very gently, and spoke. The girl couldn’t understand. What would she be saying to her now? Why would she help? She looked up at the woman, and questioned her with her face. Woman did that strange thing with her mouth. Why did she do that? 

Another room. And a very big vessel. The woman started filling it with life liquid! The girl couldn’t believe it. Why would she put so much in one vessel. She looked at Big Woman like she was crazy. Could she drink it? She reached in, placing her hands in it. It wasn’t cool, it was warm. Almost hot. And Big Woman added something to it. Disbelieving, she stared at the woman. Is this a trick? 

Was she still sleeping? Seeing in her sleep? 

Was this real? 

The girl stood there, hand in the liquid. Big Woman said something, put cloth nearby, touching her and left her with the big vessel. She looked at the clean, dry cloth and thought, is that for her? Her cloth was wet from her pee, and it ruined the nice smell. She liked being clean and she liked the nice smell. So she did something she never did before. 

She climbed into the life liquid. It was so warm. Hot. So much more than the soft cover. So much of it. And she could sit in it. She splashed and made an unconscious noise, one she never made. It just came out. Life liquid made her head wet, it dripped down her face. She felt something new. Lightness. Her chest relaxed. She exhaled. Suddenly she felt very tired. So she stilled. She sat quietly in the life liquid and felt calmer than she had in cycles. Actually she couldn’t remember ever feeling like this. Still.

Her body slowed down. Her heart slowed down. Her mind slowed down. And darkness crept over her thoughts, tugging her into the warm liquid. 

Calling her. 

And she sank....


	24. Where am I Safe?

She woke up again on the platform. She was lying on her side, comfortable. A soft thing under her head. Everything smelled nice. Lifting her cover, she had new cloth on too. The color of the top cloth was nice. The girl liked it. 

Listening, she could hear voices from outside the room. Looking, the door was open. But no one was in her room. She was so comfortable, she stayed on the platform for a little longer. 

She laid on her back, she could feel her light stick under her bottom cloth where she hid it. She patted it and held it in her good hand to feel the reassurance it gave her. Never had she been so comfortable. It had to be a trick. 

The girl sat up. Yes, this was a trick. Never in her life was she given anything. Pushing the soft cover back, she threw her legs off the side. She slid down off the platform, mindful of her bad foot. Turning around, she saw through the open door. Big Woman was out there talking to the smaller woman. The small woman called the big woman "Doctor." 

The girl was proud of herself. She noticed. She figured out Big Woman's name. Doctor. So she knew something. 

And Doctor called small woman “Mar-ee.”

Ah!! 

Keeping her eye on the door, the girl moved back to her table to hide again. To be safe. But....

She stared. 

There was a vessel of life liquid there. 

Why?

Disbelieving, the girl looked around but she was alone. Squatting, she tested it. It was the same life liquid as before: cool, clean, and wonderful. She could not stop herself from drinking it down. 

She needed it. 

She wanted it. 

Once it was empty, she put the vessel down. Looking around, she was still alone so she climbed back under into her hide. Her soft things were still there. But they seemed nicer if that was possible. She curled herself up into her soft cover and thought about sleeping. 

NO!

That wasn’t an option. Do not be soft, stupid girl. Stay awake. Stay alert!!

She bent her bad hand for some pain to wake her. To keep her safe. 

She stayed there, hidden for a long while. The girl was patient. She could hide. So she thought. 

Big Woman had come in sometimes. And girl was confused about her. Big Woman seemed safe. She helped the girl, told Big Man off, brought girl life liquid and talked to her. Girl wanted to trust her. Trust someone for the first time in many many many cycles. Well since the old woman. 

Did girl know how to trust? What did that mean? She only knew the word from the old woman, who said she trusted the girl. But what did that mean?

So she laid there. In her new soft things, watching. Listening. Big Woman came in but other woman called out “doctor” and Big Woman left. Was Big Woman boss? 

Maybe this was her gang. She was boss here in this white clean place. And she liked the girl. Big Woman bossed Big Man about. And Big Man listened. Maybe she could join this gang. She wasn’t big enough to join gangs. She was too small and no matter how much she tried, she was too weak. If Big Woman liked her as she was, maybe she could join here. Be safe. Be clean. Be comfortable. 

But did Big Woman, Doctor, want to smash the girl? She did not want that. Could a woman smash a girl? She had never been smashed by a woman, only boys and men. 

But would it be that bad. She was clean. She was comfortable. And she had life liquid. The best she ever had. 

NO!! Girl did not want to be smashed!! Not again. Hurt too much. Gave too much away. Made her feel small and weak. 

Like she had no control!

But her inside pain was gone. What did that mean? That Big Woman fixed her? 

But no inside pain made her soft. Made girl want soft things that smelled nice. And if she squinted, her eye seemed better. She didn’t notice before but things looked brighter. She didn’t understand it. 

She was so confused. Maybe girl needed to find out more. But be careful. Never move too far from hide. 

Suddenly, the girl realized Big Woman, Doctor, was in her room! Stupid girl was thinking too much and stopped paying attention. Stopped listening!

Girl was becoming soft like her soft things. 

Big Woman was talking, talking, talking and sitting near platform. Girl inched forward, in her soft cover to see. Big Woman had paper pack and was talking. There was a metal plate and a vessel near the girl's hide. Was that for her?

Was it life liquid?

What was on the plate? 

Wait. 

Wait till Big Woman left. 

But girl needed to pee. Damn! How long had girl been thinking? Not paying attention? Girl needed to pee badly. And she didn’t want to pee in her nice soft hide, ruin the nice smell. 

Maybe Doctor would let her pee. She had to know this would happen with giving girl life liquid. If Doctor tried to smash her, girl could just pee on her. Then she would just hit her, not smash her. Probably. 

Starting to wiggle from holding her pee in, the girl crawled out from under her hide. Doctor looked at her as she stood and held her place in between her legs and whined. Why did she do that? Holding pee in now hurt. 

Please please please.

Doctor did the thing with her mouth, but waved girl to follow her. To the door. And she walked out. To another door. And she looked back to the girl. 

Was this a trick?

The girl moved to the door, holding the place between her legs, trying not too pee. She looked out. She saw the smaller woman and another woman with a head the color of fire. Both were busy and not looking at the girl. She looked around. No sign of big man. Or of any man. 

Ow! She needed to pee so she ran across the room to where the big woman waited. The girl looked inside. It was smaller. The big vessel was there, empty. And a small platform with a hole in it. A pee hole. 

Ow! The girl needed to pee so badly she rushed to the small platform and looked back. Doctor turned away! So the girl pulled her bottom cover down and squatted on the platform, peeing. 

Ah!

And Doctor didn’t watch. 

Girl did her thing. And felt better. And her nice smelling cloth wasn’t ruined. She stayed a little longer to get it all out. Then walked back to Doctor, quietly. Show her how quite girl was. That she could be dangerous. And she stood by her. Looking up.

The girl hadn’t stood so close to Doctor yet. So she sized her up. She was bigger than the girl. Reaching higher up. Stronger. And had cloth all over. A nice color cloth. Matched girl's top cloth. Was that Doctor's gang color? And Doctor was clean, very clean. Like girl was now. 

Doctor turned around and did that thing with her mouth. Was she going to hurt the girl? The girl stood strong, stared at woman and tilted her head. Dared Doctor. Stared hard. 

But Doctor just walked away. Back to the girl's room and waited. Was she going to hurt the girl there? Suddenly scared, the girl had to get back to her hide. To be safe so she ran. 

Ran through the outside room to her's. To her table to hide. 

Ah!!

The vessel! 

It was still on the floor by her hide. She stopped and sat, drinking it without thinking. 

It was so good. She needed it. Cool. Good. Ah!

And she realized she was sitting out in the open. And Doctor was watching her from the door. Doing that strange mouth thing. 

Stupid girl. Let her guard down. She’s becoming soft. 

The girl noticed the metal plate had food on it. Solid food. And it smelled. Bad. Her stomach grumbled but she wasn’t going to eat it. Girl did not want to accept food from anyone after what happened when she did last time. Man smashed her. Was this a trick to get girl to seem to give Big Woman a go to smash her? If she takes the food? 

No! 

Girl stared at Big Woman and pushed the food away with her foot, defiantly. Show her the girl is not stupid. Well, not that stupid. 

Big Woman watched her. She stopped doing that weird mouth thing. 

But she left the girl alone. 

So confused. She crawled back into her hide, wrapped herself up to think about this. 

The door stayed open but the girl stayed hidden. She wasn’t sure what to do. All her life, that she could remember, she couldn’t trust anyone. Well maybe trust the old woman a little. But she was mean. And everyone wanted to hurt the girl, take from her. 

So trust meant that someone wouldn’t hurt the girl. Old Woman didn’t hurt the girl. Well, not really. And girl certainly didn’t hurt Old Woman. 

And Doctor hadn’t hurt her. Hadn’t even tried. Even Big Man. He scared the girl and grabbed her but he didn’t hurt her. Doctor stopped him. And girl was weak. She should have fought. She had her light and didn’t use it. Show him how she can fight. She needed her knife but stupid girl lost that to the boy gang. Lost her cat. Lost her strength when they smashed her. 

Lost in her thoughts.....

Swoosh. 

Talking. 

Talking. 

Talking. Doctor was talking near the door. The girl squirmed to the edge and looked out. Door was closed now. Doctor moved her mouth strange, and said something. Girl recognized "OK," and Big Woman touched the black spot next to the door and it opened. Swoosh. 

That’s how it opens! Girl figured it out. Now to wait. Wait till all of Big Woman's gang leaves and she can explore more. 

Pleased with herself, the girl snuggled back into the clean soft covers. And she thought through what she knows. 

One, she’s been taken somewhere else. She doesn’t know where she was. But it was clean and seemed safe. Well, nothing had happened to the girl. Yet. 

Two, the girl hasn’t been hurt. She's not been smashed. 

Three, Big Woman seemed to be safe. She hadn’t made any move to hurt the girl. And she was called Doctor. And Doctor seemed to like the girl. So that lead back to two, girl hadn’t been hurt. 

Four, whenever girl fell to sleep, she woke up on the platform, clean, in cloth and not smashed. So that was good. Very good. She hadn’t been hurt since being taken here. That lead back to one and two. 

Five, her inside pain was fixed. She had inside pain for many many many cycles. So something happened that took the pain away. Girl thought Doctor had something to do with that so back to three.

Six, there seemed to be a lot of life liquid here which she liked, because she needed that. And that was Doctor. Again. 

So the girl was in a quandary, but she didn’t know this word. What does the girl do? So confused. 

Then the lights in her room went down. 

Ah! 

Wait. Wait. 

Wait. 

Nothing happened. 

The girl moved to climb out from under her hide. The light was dimmed and no one was about so she stood up and moved quietly around the platform. The door was closed. 

Before going to the door, the girl searched her room. Doctor had been inside so she wanted to make sure nothing new had been left or changed. On top of a table near her hide, the girl found a metal object but didn’t know what it was. Judging the shape, she figured she could use it as a weapon so placed it down by her table. 

Then she went to the door. 

It didn’t open for her so she looked at the black spot next to it. She touched where Doctor did and the door opened up!! The girl jumped back in surprize. 

The room outside was dark. She peered out into it and there was nobody there. She could see a few other closed doors. Stepping out carefully, quietly, the girl looked around. None of the other doors would open for her so she only had this new room to explore. 

No escape this cycle. 

But she didn’t even know where she was to escape. 

This new room had some platforms like in her room and more tables. She found some small objects on the floor and picked them up to figure out if they would be useful later. But there wasn’t much for her. She breathed out and dropped her shoulders in exasperation. She wandered back to her hiding place, making sure she shut the door. She didn’t want Doctor to know she could get out. That might bring girl a lot of hurt. And climbed back under, snuggling into the nice smelling soft things. They did make her feel better. 

The girl tried to focus on where she was but felt herself falling asleep. She tried and tried to keep herself....................


	25. Thoughts Unsafe

Again, she woke up. But this time, the girl was under her hide. Safe. Secure. 

So nothing happened in between. She stayed still. She listened to her body. Had anything changed? No. She hadn’t been smashed.

As there were no sounds and nothing happening, the girl got lost in thought. 

Suddenly, the girl realized the Doctor was talking. Talking. Talking!

How did she miss her arriving? The Doctor was sitting on the platform in the girl's room. Talking from a flimsy paper pack. Stupid girl had lost track!

Girl inched towards the edge of the table. Doctor kept talking so girl listened. It seemed to be a story. Not anything about the girl. But she didn’t understand what she was taking about. 

Girl stared and stared at Doctor. And she kept talking and talking. There was a vessel of life liquid on the floor. The girl wanted it. Her stomach knotted and she realized she was hungry. Other than the liquid food, she couldn’t remember the last time she had food. Before she knew it, the girl was crawling out and drinking the life liquid. 

Sitting with her legs straight out, she thought of what she’d done. She had just left her hide without thinking. And put herself in danger. Her heart began to race. She looked up at Doctor, scared. Doctor was still talking from paper pack and hadn’t moved from platform. Girl was getting soft. Getting reckless. 

But Doctor made no move to hurt girl. 

She was so confused. She didn’t know what to do. She curled up on her side and watched Doctor. Since old woman, the girl hadn’t been around others. She didn’t count man who smashed her for food. She hadn’t really talked to anyone. Girl had forgotten lots of words and had made up her own. She listened to Doctor talk. Some words seemed familiar and the girl tried to remember them. 

While she laid there, she thought about what had happened since she was brought to this room. She hadn’t been hurt. She had fallen asleep too many times out in the open and woke up on the platform, unhurt. And had cloth put on her. And not smashed. That would not happen back where she had been. She would have been in lots and lots of pain there. 

And she had been given life liquid to drink. More than she had ever had. It was hard to find life liquid, let alone it be clean and cool. Maybe Doctor was good. Did good people exist? Old Woman wasn’t too bad but she was mean. Doctor didn’t seem mean. 

Doctor looked at girl every so often and did that thing with her mouth, tilting her lips up. Weird. Girl had never seen that. What did it mean? 

But her inside pain was gone. How? Did Doctor do that? The girl sat up. 

She looked at her feet. Her bad foot was still bad but they were clean and the sharp things on the ends were shorter. Her hands were clean too and claws shorter. Her bad hand was still bad though. They were messed up when she got smashed the first time after Old Woman died. Girl had been very very stupid then and she paid the price. 

But her inside pain was gone. That started then too. Maybe when the boys smashed her, they hurt her inside. And it hurt ever since. But it was gone. She looked at her stomach, rubbing it. Her skin was rough. She touched her light and felt a little reassured. 

Doctor found her when she was being smashed by that gang. They had hit her and busted her face. That was better too. So Doctor saved girl. But what did Doctor want? 

Doctor was still talking on the platform. She looked at the girl, made weird face and kept talking. So the girl stared at her. She seemed nice. 

Without thinking, the girl got up and walked over to Doctor. She felt the platform. It was high so she put her knee up on it and lifted herself up, turning around to sit beside Doctor. Next to but not too close. The girl heard Doctor mess up her words. But she kept her head down to figure out what she wanted to say. It had been so long since she spoke to anyone and now she doesn’t know how. 

The girl looked up at Doctor. “Doctor took my pain away?” 

Doctor looked at the girl but didn’t reply. She just put her paper pack down and waited. She didn’t understand. 

Think. Think. 

Ah! 

The girl poked her forehead where she hit it trying to run from big man, it hurt when she touched it, and said “Ow.” Feeling that, she lifted her shirt, which would have been asking for it where she had been, and poked her stomach. She said “Ow” again, looking up at Doctor. "Doesn’t hurt now," she said then shook head head and held her hands out, “Ow.” She poked her stomach shaking her head. 

Doctor then nodded and said something, “No,” blah blah blah “hurt,” blah blah was what the girl heard. 

Ah!! 

"No" was familiar. 

“No ow?”

Now Doctor did something girl never saw before. Doctor turned mouth up and made a strange ha ha noise. Her body shook too. What was that? The girl looked at her like she grew another head. 

“Yes, no ow,” Doctor repeated. 

What was that? Girl did not understand that. But Doctor understand her. She touched her cheek again, to check, "No ow."

Doctor tilted her mouth up and said something, blah blah blah. The girl didn’t understand but thought Doctor knew what she had said. Checking, the girl squinted her right eye, and pointed at her left, "No ow."

Doctor did weird mouth thing and nodded her head up and down, so a yes. 

So she lifted her bad hand, squeezing it with her good one, looking to Doctor with pained eyes, cause it hurt, and said, "Ow Ow," trying to move her fingers. Doctor touched her hand, gently, and said something. The girl stared at her. 

The girl thought and thought. Her hand still hurt and wasn’t better. She lifted her leg up and grabbed her bad foot. She held her foot and looked to Doctor, hoping she could make it better, "Ow?"

Doctor touched her foot, gently, and said something. 

Something reassuring. The girl felt like Doctor wanted to help her. Why? Why would she feel this? When did anyone want to help the girl? She was on her own. Always on her own. Suddenly she felt stupid. She felt like there was so much wrong with her that she would never be accepted anywhere. That no one would ever like her. What did she have to give? She felt a pain in her chest. It hurt. The girl dropped her head. She never thought about herself in such a way. Never gave a crap what others thought of her. Of what she thought of her. As long as they didn’t hurt her and stayed away, she took care of herself. Suddenly, the girl felt empty and afraid. She looked up at Doctor, who looked at her with a nice look. So the girl tried. She opened her mouth, and pointed to her missing teeth at the front. She said, "Ow," fully remembering when they were knocked out and how bad that felt, how she had red liquid falling and had to pull loose ones out after. After she was smashed so badly she could not walk. Why would Doctor want her when girl was so stupid to let that happen?

Doctor looked at her with such niceness and said something, "Sweet" blah blah but girl believed Doctor wanted to make her better. 

Staring at Doctor, who didn’t flinch, girl wondered if she could do this. Could she trust Doctor? Would she be safe? Would she be hurt again? She felt a flutter in her stomach that wasn’t hunger and it made her uneasy. It was so quiet, the girl missed Doctor's voice. 

Doctor talk. So the girl tapped the paper pack and dropped her head so Doctor couldn’t see her thoughts, holding the platform for strength and stared at her dangling legs. She felt warmth come from Doctor. And felt she was nice. 

Doctor started talking again and the girl listened, loosing her unsettling thoughts to the sound of Doctor's voice, taking in the words. 

And she stayed there until she grew tired and her eyes would not stay open. The girl slid off the platform, careful of her bad foot and stumbled to the table. As she bent down to climb into her hide, Doctor said something. 

Girl forgot about Doctor, she was so tired. Stupid girl. But she turned and saw Doctor was there, holding a vessel of life liquid. She put in on the floor and took the empty one. She turned her mouth up and said something. Girl vaguely recognized one word. 

"Good."


	26. My Name Is Tasha

When the girl opened her eyes, the lights were low so she knew she was alone. But she had to be safe. Check first. 

She slid to the edge of her hide and looked about. Listened. Nothing so she crawled out. The vessel of life liquid waited for her and she drank it down. Making sure her light was secure under her cloth, the girl walked around her room to loosen her body up, checking everything was still the same. 

Her foot hurt. 

Maybe tell Doctor. Doctor could take pain away. 

The girl stopped. 

She felt something new. A desire that the Doctor would help her. That she could take the pain away. That it could happen. Could it be true? What was this feeling? It made girl feel lighter. 

Yes! Girl would ask Doctor. When lights go up. Start of next cycle. Girl bounced on the spot, content with her decision. That’s what she would do. 

So she opened her door by touching the black spot and went out to check the other room. The little room was other side and the girl realized she had to pee. Hopefully that door will open for her this time. It opened on her approach!

Whew!!

She went in and looked around. All the same. The big vessel was empty. Too bad. Girl would have liked to sit in life liquid, soothe her foot. She pulled her lower cloth down and peed in the other vessel. The girl thought it was weird Doctor had a room just for peeing but then maybe Doctor had a room for everything. She obviously had more rooms because Doctor left here every cycle. Girl vaguely remembered Old Woman having a pee room. That’s how she knew what this was. Old Woman had her own rooms but not the girl. She had to use where Old Woman told her to. Small corner space, mostly. Not comfortable. Not like here with soft nice smelling things. 

The girl realized she lost track of time and finished peeing, pulling her lower cloth back up. 

Returning to the other room, girl looked around, shaking her arms out. On one of the platforms, she found a straight metal thing. Picking it up gently, she turned it round and round. She was unsure how to turn it on so tucked it under her top cloth to figure out later. 

Then she heard voices. Coming from outside. 

Girl ran to her room, slapping the black spot to shut the door and scampered under her hide, pulling the cover around her. Her heart was racing and she was breathing hard. 

She heard swoosh and lights went up. 

Stupid, stupid girl!

Almost got caught. That might have gotten her hurt if Doctor knew she was getting out. And picking up things. But if they leave them out, they are there for anyone to take. People needed to be careful of their things if they wanted to keep them. Girl was always good at finding things and taking them. Food was hard to find but she managed. And because she was still small, she could get into places hard for others. Find things not left out. 

Doctor was standing by the platform. She sat down making a noise and placed a vessel beside her. She had her paper pack in her hand. Doctor leant down on the floor and looked under at the girl. The girl forgot all about what she had been thinking before and scowled at Doctor, pulling her cover tight. Maybe she wasn’t ready to trust. 

Yet. 

Doctor blew out breath and sat up, talking from the paper pack. Girl just listened, watching Doctor's legs on the floor. Doctor's voice went up and down like she was talking with meaning. The girl tried to pick out words she thought were familiar. One word she heard Doctor say more than once was "sleep." She said that before she put the lights low. Maybe that was the word for resting. It sounded like she heard it a long long time ago. "Thleep," the girl tried mouthing it quietly. Girl wanted to talk to Doctor, to learn how. Maybe get her hand and foot fixed. So she crawled to the edge of her hide and peered at Doctor, who just turned her mouth up and kept talking. 

Before coming out, the girl hid her new find and made sure her light was tucked under her cloth. Then she crawled out from under and moved over to be beside Doctor on her hands and knees. Sitting next to, but not too close, to Doctor, girl nodded and looked at the vessel. She picked it up, but didn’t drink it right away. She wanted to show Doctor she was still being cautious, that she was still suspicious of her. So the girl peered inside the vessel and determined it was indeed life liquid, and drank it down. She didn’t need it, she had drank some after she woke up. But it was there and no reason to let it go to waste. Maybe there was more. 

The girl looked up at Doctor, thinking of how to ask her to fix her foot. 

Doctor put her paper pack down and pointed at herself, saying weird words. "Kate Pulaski." Was she telling girl that was what she was called? That’s not true. Girl had not heard anyone call her that. Only Doctor. 

Girl frowned hard and shook her head. This was a trick. 

Doctor said it again, "Kate Pulaski."

"No," said the girl. She wasn’t falling for that. She knew Big Woman's name was Doctor. She figured that out some cycles before. 

Now Doctor looked confused. 

Girl sat up straight, pointed at Big Woman and said "Doc-tor!" 

See? See how smart the girl was?

Doctor seemed pleased. Made funny face and pointed to the girl, raising her hands up. 

Huh? Did she want to know what girl was called? Girl hadn’t heard or said her name since Old Woman died. No one knew girl's name. Did girl remember? She thought and thought. She knew it. Yes! If she hadn’t been found by Old Woman when she was little, she may have forgotten it completely. Yes!

*My name is Tasha.*

Girl was proud of her name so she made sure to show Doctor, looking her right in the eyes, "Tatha."

It felt weird to say her name. To hear her name, when Doctor repeated it back. Until now, girl hadn’t thought about her name. There was no one to call her it or for her to be Tasha to. She was just a girl. 

Just a girl. 

Just a girl named Tasha.


	27. Safely Puzzled

*My name is Tasha.*

Why did Doctor keep saying "Tatha?" Calling her "Tatha?"

The girl shouted , "No! Ta-Tha! TA-THA!"

Doctor said, "Yes, Tatha."

Ah! The girl couldn’t believe it! Stupid Doctor! She smacked her forehead, shouting, "TA-THA!!!"

Doctor stopped. Her face dropped. "Oh, Tasha."

Tasha blew her breath out and threw her arms up, "Yeth Yeth!"

And Doctor did weird mouth thing, annoying her more, blowing breath out again. But she liked hearing her name out loud. And Doctor said it a lot. 

So Tasha responded more. She heard her name, and wanted to be her again. To be Tasha. Old Woman knew her name but called her Girl mostly. But she liked her name. Tasha. She wanted to be called it. To be Tasha. 

And Doctor called her Tasha all the time. Made her feel like a real person. And she felt safer. If that was allowed. 

Tasha stayed hidden in her hide when resting. Sleeping. She didn’t want to be caught unawares. Not again. She had been hurt too many times. But she liked Doctor calling her Tasha. So she sought her out. 

And Girl liked Doctor. 

As soon as the girl heard voices in the big room, she’d come out of her hide. Be active. Look around just to get the attention of Doctor. Well, as long as she heard no man voice. She wasn’t ready for that. 

So Tasha was up and looking around her room, again. And she found something! Something new. Ah!! 

Doctor came in and said, "Good morning, Tasha."

Tasha knew morning was beginning because Doctor said "Good Morning" each start of cycle. And Tasha was good at remembering. 

"Doc-Tor!" 

Tasha said it too loudly. Stupid girl. It was weird for the girl to talk out loud. She was so used to being on her own and only speaking inside. Outside words were hard. But she tried. Tried to speak. To hear. She wanted Doctor to understand her. 

And she wanted to know what she found. Tasha held the small item up, wiggling it and asked, "What’s this?" In her language. 

Doctor looked at the item and took it from her hand, saying "No," blah blah. And she hid it in her cloth. Tasha watched the item, thinking "that was mine, you left it out," but it disappeared from sight. She didn’t know how to ask for it back. Yet. 

Tasha pointed at where it went, "Tatha?"

Doctor did weird body shake sound thing and said, "No, Doctor."

Oh. Doctor was placing her foot down, showing Tasha what she could and could not have. Best to not push at this so the girl heaved her shoulders and left the item with Doctor, looking out for more. She didn’t want Doctor to think she had more stuff hidden that she had found, and to take it back. Tasha didn’t know if and when it would be useful. 

So she looked around some more. 

Tasha felt more alive, she had more energy. When Doctor came in and talked to her, it made her feel like a real person. Someone who mattered. The girl stood tall. She was wearing the cloth she liked, Doctor's color, but hadn’t been able to get into life liquid to clean. She still smelled much nicer than before but she didn’t want to be dirty with Doctor. But she felt small. Doctor was bigger, stronger, fuller than the girl. She knew she was small but now she felt less. Like she was missing something. And she wanted Doctor to like her. 

So she kept looking around to find things to bring to Doctor. Show her she was alive and saw things. Noticed things. That she was smart. Useful. 

Then the other woman came in. Mar-ee. 

"Hello, Tasha."

The other woman said her name so the girl knew she saw her. Tasha stepped back, have to keep space, stay safe, keep an eye on this woman, "Mar-ee."

Doctor said, "Good morning, Mary," so Tasha figured Mar-ee must be safe. 

And she said, "Morning, Doctor." 

So she should. Doctor was boss of this gang. But then Mar-ee did something different. She held up a paper box and shook it, saying something to her. She knew that because Mar-ee said her name. 

There was something in the paper box! Tasha wanted to know what. Tasha wanted the box! Ah! She stood tall, and stepped forward. She stumbled, damn bad foot. But Tasha came towards Mar-ee at the bed. Be strong. Don’t be afraid. Show Doctor. Mar-ee left the box on the platform. Tasha's platform, so it must be for her. 

Tasha looked at the box and pushed it. Don’t be caught out in case it’s a trick. When nothing happened, the girl picked it up and turned it over. Oh! Stuff inside cause it moved! 

Put it back. 

No!

Stay strong. Doctor is watching. Tasha turned it on it’s side, feeling the box, figure it out and saw a picture on the front. 

Ah!

Touching the picture, it looked like a sky, but different color sky than what the girl was used to. 

But there was something inside. She shook the box. Lots of something inside. Paper thick, not like flimsy paper packs Doctor talks from. Tasha needed to see what was inside. She turned it over and over, feeling the sides. Then her fingers slipped in between the sides so she pulled that apart. The top came off!! And small bits fell out from inside! 

"Oh!" A great hide. Tasha felt like she found food, she was that excited. She picked up a small piece and twisted it in her fingers of her good hand, inspecting it. Then she saw small pieces on her platform and she noticed the small pieces on the floor, "Oh!" So Tasha squatted to pick up all of the small bits to this box. Can’t loose any. They maybe important. 

Laying all the pieces on the platform, she pushed them around. She didn’t quite understand what they were but as Doctor was watching, she was going to figure it out! The pieces look the same but they’re not. Some are colored and some aren’t. Oh, wait they are. Ah! Two different sides. Tasha turned them all colored sides up. While doing this, she noticed some had flat sides and some had bits sticking out or missing parts. She put all the flat sides away from the wiggly ones. Doing that, the girl saw there were four with two flat sides. Picking them up, she looked at the picture on the box and saw they matched the corners. 

Ah!

Tasha figured it out. The pieces made the picture! So she started trying to put them together. The sticking out bits fit into the missing parts but only certain ones. Rather than just trying each piece to each piece, Tasha studied the picture and each piece, figuring out where it would go and before she knew it, she had larger bits made. 

Concentrating, Tasha felt calm and her body hummed. When she looked up to see Doctor, she was gone. The girl was alone in her room and her picture was almost done. How long had she been alone, putting her picture together? Stupid, girl, stupid, lost track of time. Again. That leads to getting caught. Getting hurt. But she wasn’t. Hadn’t. Hadn’t been caught. 

Tasha walked around her room and to the door. That was left open. She looked out. Mar-ee and the fire head woman, Jess-Ica, were at a platform, talking with another person. The girl couldn’t see this person who was lying on the platform. Maybe it was someone else from where they took girl from. Tasha couldn’t see Doctor. Where did she go? The cycle wasn’t over, as the lights were still up. 

Slowly, carefully, Tasha stepped into the big room. She hadn’t left her room when others were out here so she had to be cautious. This was asking for danger to find her. So she stayed near the wall, around the outside. Maybe Doctor was in pee room. 

Then she heard it. 

A man voice. 

And then she saw him. 

It was a man on the platform. She froze. 

*Come on, girl, don’t hide.*

Danger. 

Mar-ee and Jess-Ica were too close to man. They were in danger. But so was girl. She was out in the open. With only her light. She couldn’t protect the women, she had to protect herself. They hadn’t seen her. She was quiet. She needed to get back to her room. To her hide. To safety. 

*Her arm was grabbed, almost ripping it off. She was thrown to the ground.*

*Her cloth ripped from her scared body.* 

Breath getting faster, Tasha moved as slowly as she could to stay unheard. Unseen. Back to her room. 

*Hands over her mouth.* 

And she ran to her hide, climbing under, pulling her soft things around her. 

Ah! Stupid girl! Should have closed the door. Keep man out.

Footsteps. She could hear footsteps. 

*She was kicked in the side, her side hard things breaking.* 

Don’t want to get caught. Don’t want to be smashed. She stayed quiet. But her heart beat so fast, so hard, she could hear it. It hurt her chest. And she couldn’t stop her breathing. She could usually stop her breathing, to be quiet, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t. 

Stop her breathing. 

*Heavy hot body on top of her.*

Trying to breathe. 

She was gasping. Her chest hurt. Now she couldn’t breathe. It was stuck. 

*Man fingers pushing into her.*

Her mind was going cloudy. She couldn’t think. 

*Open up girl.*

Darkness. 

"Tasha, Tasha," she heard. 

Opening her eyes, she saw Doctor looking under at her. She didn’t remember closing her eyes, that was dangerous. But she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes were leaking. 

"Tasha, Tasha," Doctor said with big eyes. “Ok Tasha Ok.” She reached her hand under towards Tasha, her hand was open. Was she trying to get Tasha? Drag her out? 

But Tasha couldn’t breathe. Her chest hurt so much and her mind was going dark. She reached out and took Doctor's hand and was pulled out. Doctor was so gentle. Sat Tasha up against the table and sat in front of her, talking to her, using her soft voice. Saying “Ok, Ok, Tasha. Safe. Ok.” Not touching her. Tasha stared into Doctor's eyes. They were a lighter color than her cloth. They were wet. And they were big. Tasha saw something in Doctor's eyes but she didn’t know what it was. 

And then she felt her chest loosen and her breath come back inside, and she did a little jump, from her body. While she stared at Doctor, her body had more little jumps, but she could breathe again. 

Tasha let all of her breath out in one go. She jumped a little when she breathed back in and did this again. Slowly, slowly, she copied Doctor’s breathing. 

In. And out. 

In. And out. 

Her mind came back. Her inside talking was making sense again. 

What happened? 

There was thick liquid on her face. She wiped it away with her arm. It came from her nose. And her eyes were wet. 

Doctor held out a small soft cloth. Taking it, Tasha felt it was damp and cool. She held it to her face. It felt good. She cleaned her face with it and realized she had just trusted Doctor to not hurt her when she covered her eyes. She peered out from the small cloth and saw Doctor looking at her, with a small up turned mouth thing on her face. Doctor made that face a lot. What was it?

"Tasha," blah blah, "Good," blah blah. 

"Yeth," said the girl. She was certain Doctor asked her if she was good. 

Doctor stood up and walked away. Tasha sat there, brought her legs up and crossed them and leant back against the table, small cloth hanging from her fingers limply. And breathed. She didn’t know what happened to her. Had this happen to her before? Loosing her breath? Her thoughts? 

Then Doctor was walking back in. Slowly. Tasha looked up at her, wishing she knew how to ask what happened. 

Doctor got down on her knees. “It’s OK, Tasha.”

Doctor took the small cloth from the girl and gave her another cool small cloth. Tasha put it on her face, above her eyes. It felt good. She closed her eyes and felt the coolness on her skin. When was the last time someone gave Tasha something that made her feel good? 

Never. 

Only Doctor. 

When she opened her eyes again, she saw Doctor had sat down near her platform, watching the girl. And there was a vessel. Tasha leaned forward and peaked inside. It was liquid food. The cloth was still cool, so the girl wrapped it around her bad foot as it hurt. Then she carefully picked up the vessel and smelled it. Checking it. And she heard her stomach grumble. So she drank all of the liquid at once. Making sure to get the last bits from the bottom. It was good. 

Tasha put the vessel down, put the cloth next to it, said, "Doc-tor," and crawled back under her hide to rest. She felt so tired all of a sudden. And wanted to close her eyes. 

Wanted to be alone.


	28. Rescued To Safety

Tasha wasn’t sure what had happened to her. She couldn’t ever remember feeling like that. And she was good at remembering. 

After she said Doctor and climbed under, curled up in her soft cover, resting her aching head on her soft thing, she fell asleep, more quickly than she would have liked. She had wanted to think about what had happened. 

When she woke up, the lights were low so the cycle was done and Doctor would be off in one of her other rooms. So Tasha wouldn’t be able to see her to try and figure this out. 

She felt low. Like the lights. Like a lot of her life liquid had drained out of her body. Like the first time the boy gang got her and she couldn't move after, and felt very weak. She felt like that. And wanted to do nothing more than lie here and sleep. Sleep for a long time. 

No. 

Girl can’t do that. She will get lazy and soft and get caught out again. She'll get hurt. 

Again. 

So Tasha made sure her light was under her cloth, climbed out of her soft cover, out from under her table and stood up. She felt a little dizzy, putting her hand out to steady herself. With the lights just going up and down, she couldn’t tell what part of the cycle she was in. There was no change in the color of the sky or movement of the big white orb. If fact, the girl hadn’t seen the sky since she had been brought here. 

Where was she?

Tasha walked around her room, doing a couple of laps to wake her body up. She drank the life liquid that was left for her like usual. She left the vessel on top of her table this time. She felt that was the right thing to do. There was also a new cloth cover and soft thing on the platform, so Tasha took them and pushed them under into her hide to make it even more comfortable. Her picture was on another table in the room. It had been moved, next to one she had finished. 

She had been pleased with herself when she finished her first picture. And Doctor had nodded, seemingly with approval, which made her chest warm. She had never seen anything like the picture and it kept her mind busy when she put it together, so she could stop thinking. That’s all she had to do now as she was stuck here. Tasha didn’t have to search for her life liquid or food, it was just given to her. 

Moving about, she began to feel better so she pushed the black spot beside the door to look around the other room. As usual most doors didn’t open for her. Even when she pushed the black spots next to them. The pee room did, so she used it. Doing laps around the bigger room, she looked for anything new. Picking up a few little things from the metal tops, she went back to her room. She shut the door and hid what she found under her hide. Then she went to her unfinished picture and moved it carefully back to the platform. She liked having it here because she could face the door while doing it. Tasha had to still stay alert. Keep watching for danger. Must not get soft. That will bring her pain. 

Loosing herself in her picture, Tasha hummed as her body relaxed, using her light to see with.

Before the girl knew it, the lights came up and her door opened. But it wasn’t Doctor, it was Mar-ee. "Good morning, Tasha."

So it was start of a new cycle. "Mar-ee," Tasha replied. It came out too loud again. Stupid girl. Must get used to using outside voice. Talk more. "Mor-Ning," she said very carefully. She hadn’t said that word yet. Mar-ee did weird mouth thing that Doctor always did and left Tasha alone. Leaving the door open. 

Tasha stared after the woman, listening. There seemed to be no one else in the big room, so she put her picture pieces down, tucked her light away and walked to the door. Without going out, she looked into the big room. She could see only Mar-ee there but one of the other doors were open. One that the girl had never seen open. 

Tasha wanted to go to that room. 

Stepping back, she felt for her light under her cloth. Held it. Was reassured by it. It wasn’t her knife but she could use it if she needed to. She stepped forward again, quietly. 

Mar-ee was doing something, pulling things out and had her back to the girl. 

Moving as quietly as she could, Tasha walked across the big room to the open door. A quick look at Mar-ee, still busy, she peaked into the new room. It was empty of people, so she slid in. 

The door stayed open. 

There was no other door in here so the girl was going to have to be very careful. She pulled her light out with her good hand and held it firmly, just in case. Now....

The light was low. 

This new room was as big as her room. There were some seats around one side. Soft seats. There was a table in the middle with stuff on it. And another seat behind that. Then there were big storage boxes along the back wall. 

Tasha moved to the table. Gliding her bad hand across it, she looked at what was there. The biggest thing was stuck down, but it turned on the spot. Pressing the buttons brought it to life but Tasha couldn’t read what came up on the top part. Leaving that, there were some flat metal things and a vessel that held a flower. 

A flower? 

Tasha hadn’t seen a flower for a long time. When did she see a flower last? How did she know it was a flower? Flowers weren’t normal where she lived, in the alleys and sewers. She gently touched a bit sticking out. But she recognized it. Tasha was good at remembering. 

Girl smelled it and thought nothing smelled so nice. The best. Well, other than life liquid and her new cloth. 

With something as nice as a flower, Tasha thought this must be Doctor's room when she’s here. So the girl walked around to the seat at the table. It was soft so she sat in it. It turned a bit. 

Huh? 

Tasha picked her feet up, putting them on the seat and held the sides. She put her good foot out on the table and pushed. 

The seat turned around and around. 

Ah!!

Tasha did that again. It made her head feel light. When it came to a stop, she turned sideways in the seat and tucked her legs against her chest. "Not bad," she thought. Better than sitting on the ground. She clicked her light on and shined it around. The things on the table made images against the wall. The flower danced on the wall when she moved the light. She turned it off. And back on, moving it. Watching the images on the wall. 

Turned it off. And back on. 

The light came up. 

"Morning, Tasha."

Ah!

Doctor!

Tasha looked at her, a little surprized she was caught out, "Doc-tor!"

Suddenly Tasha felt the need to show Doctor what she discovered so she put her foot back on the table and pushed it, causing herself to turn with the seat. She looked to Doctor for her reaction. 

Doctor did that weird sound and body shake thing saying, "Good, Tasha." 

Tasha looked at Doctor, wondering what that was but was glad she said good. So she turned herself again and again. And again. Her head spinning too. And again. 

Doctor said something, while she turned the big thing to her, pressing buttons. Tasha was turning and couldn’t see what Doctor was doing to it so she could use it later. So she tried to stop herself and stand up. 

The floor moved out from under her feet. 

The walls turned upside down. 

Tasha tried to stay upright but went to the side, "Oh oh oh," escaped from her mouth. 

Without warning, Doctor grabbed her. Grabbed her arms!

This was it! 

When she was distracted, Doctor was making her move.

Was going to hurt her!!

Tasha screamed. Her body stiffened. She grasped her light. Ready to fight. 

But Doctor let her go. 

And she fell to the floor. 

No no no no no. 

Breathe, stupid girl, breathe. 

She curled up to protect herself, trying to breathe. Trying not to breathe. 

"Tasha, Ok, Ok," she heard. 

Picking her head up, Tasha saw Doctor on the floor with her, looking at her, saying "Tasha, Ok."

"Ok ok ok ok," Tasha repeated. 

Nothing happened. Doctor didn’t hurt her. Didn’t smash her. Just looked at her with nice eyes. Maybe girl read this wrong? She sat up and shivered. 

"Ah, Ok."

She was ok. So she stood up, stumbling a bit, her head was turning but it wasn’t. Doctor was looking at her with big eyes so she said, "Tatha Oh-Kay," a little too loudly and walked out. 

Outside voice! Outside voice! Need to work on outside voice. 

Then Tasha remembered the flower and wanted to go back. 

No. Go to room. Be safe. Get thoughts back together. 

She walked into her room and went to her picture. This will get her back on track. The girl picked up a piece and studied it, turning it around and looking at it against the picture on the paper box, finding where it goes, where it belongs. Where it fits in. Perfectly. 

Tasha pretended not to notice Doctor put a vessel on the platform near her picture. But she drank it when she left her room. She felt stupid for loosing control and thinking Doctor was attacking her. And all she did was fall. She didn’t do anything. Again. Stupid girl. Tasha threw herself into putting the picture together she lost track of time. 

Someone came in the door. 

Someone big. 

Blocking the light from above. 

Tasha looked up from her picture. 

It was Big Man. 

She froze. 

Big Man did weird mouth thing like Doctor and said something. 

Her body went cold. She dropped her picture pieces, backing away. 

Do something! Scream! Shout! Fight! Come on stupid girl, do something!! 

Tasha had never seen a man as big as him. He was like twice her size. She didn’t stand a chance. She couldn’t fight him. She saw Doctor run in. To help? Can’t wait to find out. Need to get to safety. Need to get away before he can grab girl. Run. 

Run!!

Tasha ran. As fast as she had ever run. Around. Around Doctor. Out her door. Through the big room and out the big door that opened. Opened for her for the first time. 

Ah!!!

Someone outside! Tasha jumped back and spun the other way! Her heart raced. Her eyes focusing on her surroundings. Need to get away. 

She ran the other way. 

Alleys. But with a roof. There were lots of alleys. With roofs. She ran through them, around the many people she saw, careful not to touch anyone, not to knock into anyone to make them mad, to grab her, to beat her for touching them. Get around them. Run. Run. Run. 

Run. 

Run to safety. That’s the only way. To run. Get far away from the danger. 

Run. 

Doors everywhere. 

But none of them open. Why? Why? She hit the doors. She hit the black spots beside them. None of them would open. 

Then one did.....

Quick. Quick. 

Quick. 

Inside. Hide. 

Tasha pulled up and stopped. Frozen. She dropped her light. 

She was standing in front of a missing bit of wall. 

Window. 

She remembered window from somewhere in her mind. 

And all she could see through this window was blackness. Nothing. And little specks of light. 

All the windows she remembered were open and showed more dirty alleys and streets in her life. 

“Tasha?”

This showed nothing. And had a clear cover. 

Oh. 

Where was she?

“Tasha?”

Where had she been taken?

Tasha didn’t know what to think.

Her eyes began to leak liquid. She began to shake. 

Her body jumped with her breath in. 

"Tasha?"

Doctor. It was Doctor. 

She turned to her, wanting to know where she was. What happened to her. She pointed to the window. 

"Where this? Where am I? I don’t understand. What this?" Her words rushed from her mouth. She pointed to the blackness of the window. She forgot Doctor couldn’t understand her voice. She was shaking. Her arms were shaking. 

Breathe. Breathe. 

Her eyes began to leak more, and her breath was getting away from her. Her body kept jumping when she’d try to breathe. What was happening to her? She tried to talk. She tried to talk. But she couldn’t. 

Doctor talked but nothing she could understand. Nothing she could hear. Her mind was screaming. Taking up all the room in her head. 

"Stop stop, listen. Stop stop," she muttered to herself, trying to get her head on track. 

She didn’t understand!

SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND!!!

STOP. 

Tasha turned to the window and placed her hands on it. It was cool so she rested her forehead against it. And she stopped. Her body jumped with breathes but she stilled. She let the cool feeling seep deep into her body and sooth her heated soul. 

She closed her eyes. 

Block out the emptiness she saw. That she felt. 

She tried to breathe. 

Doctor's voice, "Sweetie, come here."

Don’t understand. 

Where was she?

"Tasha, my sweet girl," blah blah. 

Her name. Tasha. She’s Tasha. Again. Doctor sees girl. Sees her in her trouble. Doctor was reaching out for girl. Wanting to help. Being nice. 

Tasha turned around, pushing herself away from the window. The coolness against her head was missed immediately. Doctor was looking at her. Her eyes were nice. She was holding her hands out. Up. Defenceless. The girl's eyes were wet. Her nose was dripping. She wiped it away with her arm, without thinking. Doctor looks nice. Doctor is waiting for her. Doctor is here. 

She steps forward. 

Her body yearns for something but she doesn’t know what. 

She steps forward and falls. Falls against Doctor. 

And Doctor catches her without grabbing her. Stands strong. Giving Tasha strength. 

Tasha feels her head against the doctor's chest, the softness of it. It gives in to her weight. She leans in and let’s go. Breathing. Breathing in the fresh scent of Doctor. 

She focuses on her. She feels Doctor’s head lean on her's. Blah, "sweet girl," she said. 

She likes that. Sweet girl. It sounds familiar. 

Tasha feels the warmth from Doctor. She feels her niceness. And just rests her weariness against her body. Her arms fall against her side and she closes her eyes. She knows she shouldn’t, but she does. She feels safe. 

She doesn’t know where she is. But she feels safe. 

For the first time in her life.

Tasha feels safe. 

Safe.


	29. One Safe, Two Safe

Ah!

Mind racing. Thoughts like zig zags ripping through her brain. But...

Warmth. 

Warmth seeping in through her head. Leaning....

Leaning.....

Leaning against Doctor. 

It came back to her slowly. Her head was against Doctor's chest, feeling the softness and warmth there. She didn’t want to move. A thought...

A feeling....

Long ago of a chest that she leaned on...

Tasha pulled back. She couldn’t stay there forever. Doctor was nice. She stayed put. Didn’t follow her. Tasha could have leaned into her again if she wanted. 

And she did want to. 

Why?

To be warm. 

But can’t. Girl cannot get silly. Stupid. And trust. 

As Tasha turned away, she saw the window. The window of dark. A window to black nothingness. And remembered what was happening. Where she was. Or wasn’t. Why she felt low. 

"What’s happening? Where am I?" She half heartedly asked, in her talk, focussed on the darkness outside. She turned and moved her hands around, sitting next to the window with a clear cover. She sat so close to see everything out of it. She reached out and touched it. It was cool, clean like everything here. She traced her finger around in circles, calming her troubled mind. 

Her eyes burned. 

She looked up to Doctor, who stood tall next to her. Suddenly feeling weak, Tasha held herself up with her hand on the window. She asked, "Where am I?"

Doctor looked at her. Saw her. Saw the girl. 

And she sat. On the floor, by the window. By Tasha. 

People don’t sit. They don’t sit on floors. By windows. 

They stand over you. They talk over you. They kick you when you are down. 

But Doctor sat on the floor. 

By the window. 

By the girl. 

Doctor talked. And talked. 

Tasha knew it was for her because Doctor said "Tasha," but not what she said. Tasha listened and listened. But she didn’t understand. 

She heard Turkana. That sounded familiar. But what was it?

She heard her name and hurt together. Yes, she had been hurt. So much. But not now. Now she seemed safe. Tasha looked away from Doctor, down at her middle, her girl part, and remembered all the hurt that happened to her. But here, no one tried to hurt her. To smash her. Since Old Woman died and she was found by the boy gang that first time, she tried everything to keep that from happening again. She failed. She didn’t understand why but it hurt so much and the boys wanted it even more. But now she was surrounded by a woman who didn’t want that. And there was nothing outside. 

She didn’t understand. 

Where was she? 

Was girl dead? Was she sleeping and seeing in her head? 

Tasha was so confused and didn’t understand. How? What? Why?

She was shaking her hands, trying to speak but what to say? Doctor didn’t understand her. She hit her head to calm it. And again. And....

Doctor took her hands in hers. Gently. Tasha stopped and looked at her hands in Doctor's hands. Her hands were so rough in Doctor’s soft ones. Doctor's hands were so soft, smooth. Doctor was speaking, in nice voice, "Tasha, Tasha, stop, safe, Ok."

Ah, so confused. People aren’t nice to girl! She fell forward, groaning in frustration. Her world wasn’t the same. Everything was messed up. People weren’t acting right. Her barrier she had built up over all these cycles to protect her was beginning to crumble and she felt....what? 

What did she feel?

Doctor touched her head. Her short soft head. It felt nice but she didn’t want touch. She didn’t want to be touched so she sat up, pushed Doctor's hand away with her foot. Gently. Doctor didn’t know girl didn’t want to be touched. Touch always leads to being hurt. And Tasha had too much in her mind to try to fight off being hurt. Again. She wanted to be still. Get rid of these weird thoughts. 

Girl tapped the clear window to show Doctor she wanted to look out and just to lose herself in the nothingness. Doctor seemed to know and sat there too. Doing nothing. In front of the nothingness. 

What was Tasha feeling? 

She felt low. She felt empty but not hungry empty. Though she was hungry. Always hungry. Her head hurt. 

Doctor was sitting beside her. On the floor. Giving off warmth. Tasha could feel that. What was it? Doctor seemed to want to take care of Tasha. Why? Tasha wasn’t anything to her. Old Woman took Tasha in. Took care of her. But Tasha was a tiny girl then. So little and she had been left. 

Left by who? It was so long ago, Tasha couldn’t remember. Left alone by someone. She had been in rooms. Had been warm. Then she was on a street. Cold. Alone. Lost. She had cloth on and held something. A cloth something. Something that looked like a small person but not alive. She remembered holding that tight as it still smelled of where she had been. Then Old Woman found her, grabbed her arm, talking angrily, and dragged her off the street. 

Old Woman gave her food. Bad food but it was food. And she stayed with Old Woman then. Forgot about her life before. Girl told Old Woman her name was Tasha but Old Woman only called her Girl, so she wouldn’t start liking her too much, she said. Old Woman talked weird so Tasha picked up her words, mixing what she knew with what she learned. And learned how to find food. Find life liquid. Sneak around and take things. She learned how to survive. And she stayed with Old Woman till she came back to rooms one cycle and Old Woman was lying on the floor, not moving. Her body cold and her eyes open but not seeing. Tasha wasn’t big enough to move her so she covered her up to keep her warm. It was the least she could do as Old Woman had taken care of her. 

And Tasha stayed in rooms until she came back another cycle and there were men inside. She ran. With only the cloth she had on. And her knife in her hand. And she had been alone since. 

She was cold. She realized she was still sitting by the window and she started to shake. Her light was on her legs. Doctor was talking to her, softly. Get up, Girl. Move. "Tasha?" So she stood. "Tasha?" Move. "Tasha?" She felt heavy. Her head messed up. Her chest tight. Every breath in a struggle. But she followed Doctor, who was warm. So she stayed close and before she knew it, Girl was back in her room. 

Her room. 

Everything was where it had been left. Her finished picture on the table. The picture she was putting together on the platform. There was the empty vessel she had drunk on her table. Nothing changed. 

But everything had changed. 

Everything was different. 

Tasha walked in and climbed up on top of her platform, sitting, picking up pieces. Trying to focus. To clear her head. To stop trying to make sense of all of this. It was too much to take in. 

None of the pieces fit. She kept picking them up, moving them around, looking at them. And none of them fit. Did someone come in and change her pieces? Take away the ones that made sense and left bad ones?

Girl reached out for vessel next to her, with the wrong hand. The vessel crashed to the floor, breaking. Breaking the quiet. Life liquid spilling everywhere. Wrong hand. Girl had used wrong hand. Girl made mistakes. Girl messed things up. Stupid girl. Always always stupid! She hit her bad hand on the platform to make it hurt. She shouted, "Stupid, Girl! Stupid!" And her bad hand hurt, the pain waking her up. Pay attention!

Doctor was there, stopping her from trying to break her bad hand. "Tasha Tasha no hurt." But her mind shouted. 

"NO!"

Tasha felt useless. She kicked her picture off the platform, breaking it and scattering it on the floor. She didn’t deserve nice things. It didn’t make her feel better. 

"No! Stupid Girl. Girl never do anything right!"

She climbed off the platform, away from Doctor, and her stupid bad foot gave way, causing her to fall to the side but she caught herself. "What’s happening?" 

"Why’s everything changing?"

Why can’t Girl do anything right?

She felt like she was going to burst open. She threw her arms about. She threw stuff off the tables and hit them, to feel pain, to clean her mind. It didn’t work. 

Seat. 

Seat was new. Seat was confusing. So she pushed it and it just spun. It didn’t do what she wanted. It rolled away and spun. Her eyes burned and life liquid leaked out. She couldn’t see. Her eyes were as clouded as her mind. And she thought she was going to explode. So she did what she always did. 

She hid. 

She climbed under her table. She had another soft cover and curled up in that with her other. "Damn stupid Girl. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid." Old Woman was right. Girl kept messing up. Couldn’t think. Acted stupidly. 

Tasha curled herself up, tight, on her front and stuffed her face against the wall. Her face was wet. And her chest hurt. Her ears were ringing. Everything was too loud. Too bright. Too clean. Smelled too nice. Girl was too dirty and too damaged. Too broken. She didn’t deserve this. Just throw her back to the dirty smelly crappy place she had been in and let her rot. 

Let Girl die. 

Tasha stopped. 

The soft cover was warm. She still shook. Breathe. In. And out. In. And out. 

She heard talking. Voices. Doctor. And Mar-ee. Talking. She heard her name. 

Tasha. 

That was her.

She was Tasha. 

She wasn’t Girl anymore. She was someone now. Someone who mattered. Mattered to Doctor. 

She was Tasha. 

Breathe. In. And out. In. And out. 

And Doctor still saw her, even when she hid. 

Talking stopped. And she heard quiet sounds. Sounds from a person. From Doctor. Tasha turned over, wrapped so tightly in her soft covers, she struggled but she turned and saw Doctor. On the floor. On her side. Beside Tasha’s hide. 

And her eyes were closed. 

Tasha froze. Her breath froze. 

Was Doctor dead? Like Old Woman? 

No no no no. 

Tasha did not want to be left alone again. She scooted towards the edge of her hide and reached out. Reached out to touch someone for the first time in a very long time. 

A touch that wasn’t supposed to hurt the person. 

Tasha touched Doctor's arm. She was frightened. Frightened Doctor would not move again. She touched Doctor's head, by her eye. It was warm. Gentle, now, girl. Be gentle. Don’t hurt Doctor. She was lying on her front so she had to use her bad hand. Careful, girl. 

Doctor breathed in and turned her head towards Tasha. 

Ah! 

She pulled her hand back. Don’t scare Doctor. She felt her eyes become wet. 

"Doc-Tor?" She said and managed to say it quietly. Good girl.

Doctor looked at her but didn’t seem to see. 

No no no. Eyes not seeing. No no no. 

Doctor fell on her back and Tasha reached out again, touching her shoulder. Too hard! Be soft. Be careful, Girl. Gently she stroked Doctor's shoulder. 

Please please please be ok. 

Tasha touched Doctor's face again. It was warm. And took her hand back before she hurt her. 

"Doc-tor?" 

"Hello, Tasha," blah blah blah.

Ah! Finally! Doctor talked. She must have fallen to sleep. And in the open. 

Dangerous. 

Tasha hummed and thought she needed to show stupid Doctor how stupid she was being. She made a point by looking around her room. The door was open. The girl untangled herself from her soft covers and crawled out of her hide, standing. 

"Can’t sleep in the open," she said holding her arms out. She said it quietly to not bring any attention to them. Don’t want anyone in big room to see Doctor trying to rest in the open. They may try to get her, hurt her, take her gang over. She shook her head. Maybe Doctor too soft. Tasha sat against her table, pulling her legs up to her so she could see both Doctor and door. If Doctor wants to sleep, she'll keep look out. That’s how she did with Old Woman. Only one of them ever slept at anytime. 

Once again, Tasha touched Doctor's shoulder, to make sure she knew the girl was talking to her. And she needed to try to tell her.

Slowly, she said, "OK, Doc-tor thleep. Tatha," and pointed to her eyes and out, because she didn’t know Doctor's word for look out. Sleep was a hard word to say. She hoped she said it right. 

Tasha watched Doctor for her response. 

"Thank you, Tasha."

Nodding, Tasha didn’t know what thank you meant, but Doctor sounded grateful. She was going to keep Doctor safe while she slept. She felt like she had something important to do. 

Doctor stayed on her back and put her hands on her stomach, closing her eyes. She already had a soft thing under her head. 

Ah!!

A soft cover!! Tasha had two. That’s what Doctor needed. And Tasha could give her one. So the girl twisted around and pulled a cover out from her hide. Doctor had her eyes closed so the girl tried to place it over her as gently as she could, cover her so she’s warm while she sleeps. 

It was the least she could do. 

Tasha whispered, "Sleep."

"Thleeeep."


	30. Safe Side Up

At first, Tasha watched Doctor intensely. It had been many cycles since she had seen someone sleep. Well, since before Old Woman died. Doctor just laid on her back and seemed to fall asleep. She must have been tired. Well, Tasha did make her run. Doctor must have chased Tasha through the roofed alleys when she had to get away from Big Man. That was a fight she would have lost. 

But Doctor did follow her. Why?

It wasn’t to hurt her. Because she didn’t. She seemed to follow to make sure Tasha was safe. And she let the girl be stupid, let her show her weakness and rest against her. She let the girl gather strength from her. 

Tasha thought about that. 

Even with Old Woman, Tasha did not touch her. Or anyone. And definitely not since being on her own. Not like she did with Doctor. And she hadn’t thought about it. She just did. What happened?

What was she feeling?

Tasha wasn’t good with feelings. Feelings made one weak, made one do stupid things. That’s what Old Woman said. But Tasha had been doing many stupid things since being brought here. 

Brought here by Doctor. 

So what was she feeling?

So first she was scared. Very very scared of Big Man. He was bigger than anyone she had ever seen! There was no way she could let him get a hand on her again. She was lucky she wasn’t hurt the first time he grabbed her. But Doctor was there and stopped him. This time Doctor was there too. She came in after him. 

Why? To stop him?

Must be. This was Doctor’s gang. And Tasha was Doctor's. So Doctor wasn’t going to let anyone else hurt her. And then Doctor chased after Tasha because she had to escape. But Tasha didn’t get in trouble for trying to get away. Tasha felt scared and determined. Running through the alleys she was clear headed and focused. But then she couldn’t find a get out. All the doors were locked shut. 

But she found one. One with a big open window with clear cover. That looked out into black nothingness. That scared Tasha. And confused her. She had never seen anything like that. Even at low cycle, the sky was dark but not like that. The nothingness seemed to go on forever, and if the girl had jumped out, she would have been falling and would never stop. But where did her streets and alleys go then? 

Where was she? 

Tasha had never been anywhere else. She didn’t even know anywhere else existed. Where she had been seemed big to her. She used to get lost in the alleys and sewers but Old Woman had taught her how to get around and read the few signs left. Well she didn’t really read them, but recognized the things on them. Then she got lost once trying to run from a boy gang but she had been very scared and stopped paying attention. 

So Tasha didn’t think she would be able to figure out where she was on her own. She would need to learn to talk to Doctor for that. 

Doctor confused her. 

She didn’t see Doctor until she was here. How did she get here? She didn’t remember being moved. But Doctor was here. And had stayed here with her. Always coming back. Tasha could feel warmth from Doctor. Not like being curled up in soft cover warmth but inside. She felt warm. She felt safe. 

Was that it?

Safe?

Was that what feeling safe was? Being warm. 

Oh. 

Tasha gazed at Doctor. She was getting used to looking at her. She had a light colored head. Eyes the same as her cloth. She was higher than the girl and bigger. Doctor wasn’t fat. Tasha had only seen one fat person. Old Woman pointed Fat Man out. He looked like he had eaten a person! But Doctor seemed stronger big. But she had soft parts too. When Tasha leaned on her, her chest was soft. And comfortable. Tasha touched her chest. She felt the hard parts under her skin. What were they called? She knew once. 

Tasha lifted up her top cloth to look at her chest. Her skin was almost white. She could see her hard parts. One in the middle and others going around her chest. She had little spots on either side that poked out a little. One had been hurt by boy gang. They had cut her. And it was still fire color. She noticed her stomach was scrunched up. But that was because she was sitting. Her skin was rough to touch. She patted her light and put her cloth down and looked back to Doctor. She never compared her body with someone else. But she wondered why she didn’t look like Doctor. 

She wanted to touch Doctor again. Why? She never wanted to touch anyone. She touched Doctor just before she went to sleep but the girl told herself that was to make sure she wasn’t dead. Tasha wanted to put her head on Doctor’s shoulder, feel her warmth, to relax her thoughts. To sleep safe. But she didn’t. She sat on her hands instead. 

What did she figure out? Not much. And now her head was starting to hurt with all this thinking. 

Picture!

She'll put her picture together. Tasha stood up slowly and moved around the sleeping form of Doctor. She stared at her platform. She had forgotten she had kicked her picture off and onto the floor. Her small pieces were scattered around the room. 

Oh. 

Stupid girl. Why do that? Tasha couldn’t think why she would mess her picture up. What had she been feeling? She couldn’t relate with the girl who kicked her picture away anymore. So she crawled around and picked up every piece to put it back together. All the while keeping an eye on Doctor sleeping and on the room door. When she thought she had them all, she took the pieces back to her platform. And slowly started sorting out the pieces. 

Color sides up. 

Straight edges here. 

Corner pieces here. 

Match corner pieces with picture. 

Each piece has a place. Each piece belongs somewhere. Just find that place...

Before she knew it, Tasha was humming and putting her picture back together. She was aware that Mar-ee looked in but didn’t approach. Tasha touched her light to make sure she had it just in case. For reassurance. 

Tasha wasn’t sure how much time passed but she just kept placing pieces and keeping an eye out for Doctor. She wished she had had a picture when back in her alleys. It made staying awake a lot easier. Before she knew it, the girl heard sound from behind her. She looked back, lifting her arm to look under it at Doctor on the floor. She never did this before. Let someone stay behind her where she’s open to attack. But Doctor was different. 

She's awake. 

"Ah, Doc-tor!"

Tasha lifted her arms up, waved her hands around to show it was safe and said, "Get up now, no one to see." And she nodded her head. 

Doctor got on her side and seemed to have problems getting up. Tasha thought about whether she should help her or not. Would that show out Doctor's weakness? Tasha didn’t want to do that in case someone came in so just watched Doctor slowly get up. 

"Thank you, Tasha," blah blah blah. 

Doctor talked too fast sometimes and the girl couldn’t hear every word. She tried, moving her ears about but no....so she lifted her shoulders, hoping Doctor thought that meant "Ok."

Doctor did her crooked mouth thing. 

Tasha turned her mouth down and saw the empty vessel on the table top, where she had put it. She was thirsty. Stupid girl had knocked her last vessel onto the floor. Quickly, she picked it up with both hands and held it out to Doctor. She'll know girl wants more. She did keep look out while she slept after all. 

Doctor took the vessel and looked at girl's picture. She touched it, and Tasha, for a moment, was scared she was going to ruin it. Or take a piece so she could never finish it. But Doctor just nodded with small crooked mouth. Tasha stared at woman as she walked out, not sure but thought she felt good. Did Doctor think Tasha was doing the picture good? 

Tasha was able to place a few more pieces before Doctor came back with two vessels!! She placed them on the platform and put her hands at her sides. She gazed at Tasha doing her crooked mouth thing. Tasha tilted her head and looked mean. 

Why did she do that? Doctor was being nice to her. She tried to stop looking mean and lifted her face. She pointed at the closest vessel and said “Tatha?”

“Yes, Tasha,” Doctor said and nodded. 

The girl picked it up with both hands, carefully and looked inside. It was liquid food. She smelled it and then drank it all at once. It was thicker than water and didn’t come out as easy so she held it above her mouth to get all of it. When she was satisfied, she looked at Doctor with what she hoped was a thank you, and said, “Ah.”

Putting the vessel back down, she realised it was made of something different. Why?

The other vessel had life liquid in it. Tasha picked it up with the intention of drinking it but thought better. Maybe save it. She held the vessel, feeling the coolness of this new vessel in her hands. She wondered how to tell Doctor she would drink it later so it wouldn’t be taken away. Doctor was watching the girl so she put the vessel on the top of her hide, patting the top and said, "Tatha." She looked pointedly at Doctor. 

Doctor did her weird body shake sound thing confusing Tasha, "Yes, yes, Tasha's" she said. The girl looked up under her brow at the woman and picked up a picture piece. Someone called Doctor's name from the big room and she nodded at the girl and walked out. 

Tasha was left alone for the rest of the cycle. She finished her picture and moved it ever so carefully to the table next to her first one. She wanted Doctor, or Mar-ee, to give her another. She tried to drink her life liquid slowly but as soon as she had the first swallow, she drank it down. She was just too used to having to hurry before being caught. At a loss of what to do, Tasha peaked out into the big room. But there were too many people out there for her to explore. 

And she tried to think about what happened this cycle. She wanted to stand close to Doctor and feel warmth. What was that? Why all of sudden did she want to touch someone? What was this feeling? 

She sat up on top of her hide, thinking, knowing eventually, Doctor would come in and turn the light low. 

When Doctor did come, she banged on the wall by the door. Ah! To get girl's attention. Tasha looked up at her. Thinking of what she wanted to do. 

"Hey, Tasha, blah blah bed blah blah blah blah get blah blah blah."

Doctor really did talk too fast. Tasha looked at her. And looked at her. What does girl want?

She wants to feel warmth and lean on Doctor again. Feel the calm. 

Tasha slid off the table and held her hands out, palms up with her arms out a bit. Show Doctor she doesn’t have a weapon and is defenceless. Like Doctor did with girl. Please please please come forward. 

Doctor just stared at the girl. Her eyes widened and her breathes became quick. 

Ah. 

Maybe girl scared her. Doctor did not want to have girl touch her again. This thought caused Tasha's chest to tighten and hurt. She put her hands down and stepped to Doctor. 

"Just want touch," she said, tilting her head to appear less threatening. Maybe Doctor understand. 

Doctor didn’t move. 

Ah. 

Tasha rubbed the back of her head, her short soft head still felt nice, and lifted her arms. As disappointed as she was, she didn’t want to show that to Doctor. Maybe Doctor saw Tasha as dirty still. And dangerous. Tasha didn’t know so she turned around to hide what she’s feeling. 

The girl didn’t know what she’s feeling. 

She looked back at Doctor, looking at her, weird, and climbed quickly under her hide. Her eyes were wet and her chest hurt. Her breath seemed to flutter. 

What feeling is this?

She just wanted to rest her head on Doctor, like she did in room with window. Tasha's breath in jumped. 

Then Doctor was looking at her, in her hide. She quickly tried to curl up in her soft covers and waved Doctor off. She didn’t want Doctor to see her feeling this, whatever it was. 

Doctor pulled back and stood up. "Good night, Tasha."

Don’t be mean, Girl. 

"Doc-Tor," she said back, a little too loudly. 

And a vessel was placed on the floor near her hide. 

Lights went low. 

Swoosh. 

Her door was closed. 

The girl exhaled and shook. Her body jumped when she tried to breathe and life liquid leaked from her eyes. Tasha didn’t know what was happening to her. She never did this before. 

Before long, the girl cried herself to sleep. 

But she didn’t know it was crying as she hadn’t really cried before. Tasha never thought about feeling this much.


	31. Safe Too

For the first time, the girl slept through the night. Nothing woke her. And her dreams were quiet. 

Swoosh. 

Her eyes popped open. 

Light went up.

New cycle. 

Girl untangled herself from her soft covers, kicking. She had two now. And slid from under her hide. She was hoping Doctor was here. 

Standing, blinking in the light, she looked around. Vessel of life liquid was there. But no Doctor. That made her feel low. Girl moved towards the door, carefully. And peeked out. She saw Mar-ee and Jes-Ica doing something on the other side. And there was another woman she didn’t know. Tasha didn’t feel like she could come out. 

Ah! 

She had to pee!

The girl hadn’t woken in the low light to pee so she had to now. She waited by her door for Doctor to arrive. 

It seemed like forever. The girl didn’t even have a picture to put together while she waited. But Doctor arrived....

"Doc-Tor!"

Tasha stood at her door and called to Big Woman. Wait till Doctor sees girl. 

"Hello, Tasha. Blah sleep well?"

Lifting her shoulders, Tasha heard sleep. But she was seen so walked out to stand by Doctor, looking up at her. She smelled clean. Doctor stared at girl, like she wasn’t supposed to come out of her room or something. But she needed to pee. She can’t pee in her room. 

"Yes, Tasha?"

Doctor still sees girl but doesn’t know what she wants. 

Ah! 

Need to show her. Tasha looked down and held where she pees and wiggled like she was holding it in. And looked back up. She has to understand. 

Doctor's face opened up, and she put her hand on Tasha’s back and pushed ever so lightly before moving away towards pee room. Tasha followed quickly, going in and almost didn’t wait till Doctor turned around. Whew! Just made it time as she peed in the vessel. Tasha stayed to make sure all of it was out then pulled her lower cloth up. She looked around quickly for anything new and saw something. It looked like what the girl had found in her room cycles ago that Doctor didn’t let her keep. Tasha grabbed it, hiding it in her hand at her side. Then sidled up to Doctor very quietly. She watched Doctor while waiting for her to see her. 

Doctor turned and moved her mouth up at the girl. Weird face. Tasha ducked under her look and sprinted back to her room with her new find. She wondered what it was. What were all of the things she had found? She knew what her light did, the most valuable find so far. It allowed her to see clearly when the lights were low. 

Maybe girl could ask Doctor. 

Tasha climbed under her hide and grabbed another find she wanted to know about so she had three. There were others, including the folding box, but these were the most interesting to the girl. Besides, Doctor would probably take the folding box away from the girl so that had to stay hidden. Tasha stood by her hide and lined up her three finds on top, looking at them. They were shiny and clean, like everything else in this place. She felt good about herself for having found these things. 

"What's blah blah got blah, Tasha?"

Ah! Her back was to the door! 

Tasha lifted her arm and looked back under it to keep her body blocking her finds. Doctor! She scooped them up and hid then in her bottom cloth pulling her top cloth over them before looking up at Doctor. She was thinking of how to ask about them when she saw the vessel in the woman's hand. 

Ah! 

She reached for it and Doctor allowed her to take it from her hand. Doctor had something else too, a flat shaped vessel. She put it down and put her hand out with something metal in it. Tasha held her vessel with her good hand, drinking the life liquid down cause she couldn’t wait anymore but reached out for this new thing with her bad hand. Holding this new thing up, Tasha lost some life liquid down her chin onto her top cloth. Stupid, girl, don’t waste. So she put it down while she inspected this new find. It was straight with one end bigger and flat, kinda. It was metal and cool to touch. She put it in her mouth and the smooth coolness felt good where her teeth should be so she held it there and closed her eyes. When it warmed up, she opened her eyes and held onto the find tightly by her side to show Doctor she would keep it. Doctor had given it to her after all. 

"Blah, Tasha, eat blah soup."

Doctor was pointing to the flat vessel. The girl walked over and could see it was full of cloudy liquid. Soup, Doctor called it. Hmmm, she stood up on her toes to see better. That hurt her bad foot but she looked in. Doctor wanted her to. There were bits in it. Sniffing it, cause smell was important, she thought it smelled bad. Ah, really bad. Yuck. Before she could stop herself.....

"Blah," Tasha made a gross sound like she felt like throwing up. She couldn’t drink that. Yuck. What was Doctor giving her? Was she trying to make her sick? 

"No."

Doctor kinked her head. "Blah Blah Blah Blah."

"No."

Whatever Big Woman said, it was going to be no, so Tasha turned back to her life liquid, picked it up and noticed the vessel that had been left by her hide on the floor. 

Ah!

As the girl went to pick up the other vessel from the floor, someone called out for Doctor from the big room. Doctor picked up the smelly vessel and looked at Tasha with her weird up turned mouth. Tasha cocked her head and hoped Doctor was staying as she had to try to figure out what her things were. Doctor waved her hand and said “Blah see blah, Tasha.” 

Doctor turned around and walked to the door, turning back again to look at Tasha. Tasha stood there with her vessel in her hand and raised her eyebrows. Please please please stay. 

“Sorry, Tasha, Doctor blah blah go.”

“Oh-Kay,” Tasha tried that word out. It seemed to mean it would be alright when Doctor said it to her. She hoped she used it right. 

She must have because Doctor did a big weird mouth turn up. Tasha felt warm inside. She wanted to learn more now to talk to Doctor. Even Old Woman didn’t really listen to Girl, more told her what to do mostly. 

Doctor left so Tasha finished her life liquid she was holding and picked the one from last cycle up from the floor, placing it on top of her hide. She felt full after a whole life liquid. She patted her stomach and liked the feeling of being full. She then walked around the room, loosening up her limbs, thinking what to do. She didn’t have a new picture yet. 

Could she ask Mar-ee for one? She brought Tasha the last two. How would she ask? Mar-ee had been nice to her. 

Tasha walked to the door and peaked out. Doctor wasn’t there but Mar-ee was. She couldn’t see anyone else and thought she should try. The girl leaned out and said, “Mar-ee,” quieter then normal. 

Mar-ee turned around, “Oh, hello, Tasha. What blah do for you?” Mar-ee spoke slower than Doctor so the girl heard more words. 

Ah! How to ask for a picture? Tasha didn’t know how. She stood back and thought. Mar-ee came to the door and “Yes, Tasha?”

Tasha rushed to the table with her finished pictures and pointed at them, saying in her words, “Tatha want picture.” She looked back to the woman with raised eyebrows. 

“Ok, Tasha. Blah blah want blah puzzle?”

Tasha watched her mouth carefully and picked out Tasha, want and puzzle. Is picture a puzzle? She thought she’d try.

“Tatha want puthle.” 

She spoke slowly because puzzle was hard to say. 

Mar-ee did a big weird face thing like Doctor, shaking her head up and down, “Ok, Tasha. Blah bring you blah blah puzzle.”

Tasha nodded too, feeling proud of herself. She liked that feeling. 

The woman left. Tasha still didn’t have anything to do. How long would it take for Mar-ee to bring her a new puzzle? Tasha liked knowing the word for the picture. 

“Puthle. Puthle. Puthle,” Tasha practiced saying the word. She thought she did it quite good. She wanted to go find Doctor now. To ask her about the finds Tasha had under her cloth. 

Tasha went back to her door and peaked out again. There was no one out there. Doctor’s room door was open. Hmm... not far. She walked there once. She could do it again. 

Checking the big room again, the girl stepped out quietly and slowly, keeping close to the wall and away from the other doors as much as possible. She had to pass two closed doors but ran past them. When the girl got to Doctor’s room, she peaked in. Doctor was sitting in her seat that turned, at her table, looking at the thing stuck to the table. 

Tasha waked in very quietly, to not get Doctor’s look. She wanted to show Doctor how she could sneak and move without sound. That way, Girl could be more valuable to Doctor’s gang. She stopped next to the table and watched Doctor. 

After a few moments, Doctor looked up turning her mouth up, raising her eyebrows and said, “Hello, Tasha.” 

Doctor saw Girl. And now Girl was unsure about asking about her finds. What to do? Doctor was looking at her and waiting. Now Girl just seemed stupid. Why is she scared to try to talk to Doctor? 

Tasha quickly pointed to Doctor’s seat. That turned. That had made her head feel strange. 

To Tasha’s surprize, Doctor stood up and moved away from the seat. Keeping an eye on the woman, Tasha moved to sit in the seat. 

And Doctor didn’t stop her. She sat and the soft seat was nice against her bottom, so much nicer than the floor! 

Ah!!! 

The seat was as nice as Tasha remembered. 

Ah!!

She pulled her legs up into the seat and stuck out a foot to push herself off the table....and she spun. Tasha liked the feeling. It made her head feel light. So she spun and spun, watching the room go round. When the seat came to a stop, Tasha tried looking around but her eyes were moving without her doing it. They were floating. It felt funny. So she pushed herself off the table some more, liking the sensation of spinning around. A funny sound rumbled through her body and came out. 

For a little while, the girl forgot about her dilemma of asking Doctor about her finds. When she slowed down, the girl saw Doctor had moved to another seat but was still in the room. That made her feel good. Doctor was with her so she continued to enjoy the feeling of spinning, trying to pull out her finds and think of them too. And look at what was new in the table top but that was hard, her eyes were moving about. She felt light, leant back and pushed off again!

Tasha stopped and then sat to let the room stop spinning around her. She felt as if she would topple off the seat. Weird feeling. She got up carefully and stood still, which was hard. Doctor was busy with a flat metal thing, not looking at the the girl. Tasha moved quietly over to stand next to her. She stood there until Doctor saw her. 

Doctor slowly looked up at the girl, placed the flat metal thing on her legs and said, “Yes, Tasha?” 

And did that weird mouth thing again. What was that?

No turning back, Tasha decided to try to ask what her things were. She pulled them out from under her cloth and placed them carefully on Doctor's table, lining them up. Then she had to tell Doctor they were her's, so the girl pointed at Doctor, then pointed at her things and said, "No no," looking very mean. 

"Ok, Tasha, I blah blah blah things."

Tasha wasn’t sure she believed Doctor, and looked at her as such but decided to go ahead. She picked up her light, as she knew Doctor knew she had it. It hadn’t been taken from her the many times she stupidly fell asleep in the open. She held it up, and asked in her words, "What’s this?"

Doctor said, "Blah blah want blah blah blah blah is?"

Argh!! Of course, Doctor talks too fast and too much! Tasha wants to smack her head but instead drops it, closes her eyes and shakes the annoyance away. *Ok! One more time, Doctor!* The girl held her light up again, and spoke slowly in her words, "What’s this?"

Doctor did the weird mouth thing again and said, "What’s this?"

*OK. Now we’re getting somewhere.*

Tasha watched Doctor’s mouth and shook her light again, so she could see and hear the words. 

"What’s this."

Ah!

"Whathh thith?" She said slowly. 

"Yes, what’s this."

Ah, ok, the girl got this. She repeated, "Whatthh thith?" holding her light up for Doctor to see. 

"It a flashlight. It blah light."

Tasha heard flashlight. "Flath light?"

"Flashlight."

Ok. Her next question, Tasha turned on her light and pointed it at Doctor's cloth, "Whatthh thith?"

"Light."

Excited, Tasha held up her light and said, "Flath light," and turned it on, "light."

"Yes, blah blah, Tasha."

"Aaahh!" The girl examined her flashlight, then placed it down next to her other finds, "Flath light."

Ok, now Tasha picked up the thing she found in the pee room earlier, the thing Doctor didn’t let her keep before. "Whatthh thith?" She said carefully. 

Doctor made a show of looking at the thing but Tasha thought she knew what it was. Why was she taking so long? But Tasha felt warmth coming from Doctor at that moment and relaxed a little. Maybe Doctor was impressed with the girl for getting this item even though she had been denied it?

"That is a hypospray." 

Tasha caught every word. Doctor finally spoke slow enough. 

"Hyypo thpray."

"Yes, hypospray."

Eh? What is a hypospray? What does it do? This is new to Tasha. 

She held it up again, "Whatthh thith?"

"Well, blah blah blah blah."

Doctor! Speaking sewage talk! Spewing out words too fast! “Huh?"

And Doctor put her hand out, blah blah. She wants Tasha's find. Why? Hmmm....maybe to show what it is. Hmmm...ok. Tasha handed it over. 

Doctor held the find up and put it to her arm. "When it’s full, it puts medicine in you." The girl heard every word because Doctor spoke slowly, but she did not understand them. 

Doctor handed hypospray back to the girl. She didn’t have to fight to get it back. 

Medicine. That sounded familiar but what does it mean? Did she know this word before? 

“Oooh-Kaay,” the girl put the item next to the flashlight, “Hypo-thrpay.”

Tasha picked up the straight metal thing she got from Doctor earlier. She felt good, learning what her things were and tried to spin the metal thing in her hand like she used to do with her knife but it fell. Stupid girl. Picking up up quickly, she still fumbled it, "Ah, stupid stupid girl," Tasha grabbed it and shoved it towards Doctor, feeling her face get hot. 

"Whatth thith?"

"That is a spoon, Tasha."

Doctor spoke slowly again so the girl picked up every word. "That is" seemed to go before what the thing was. So this was a spoon. So Tasha repeated it to be certain, "Aah, a thpooon. What?" She also wanted to know what it did. 

"You eat with it," Doctor said slowly, but Tasha didn’t understand these words. So the woman held nothing and did a scooping motion, bringing the nothing to her mouth and drinking it. Hmm. Ah!! She had brought this item with bad smelly liquid and wanted Tasha to drink it so it must be for that!

"Aah, blah thtuff," and Tasha stuck her tongue out, gagging. Soup.

Doctor did a big body shaking sound movement, louder than before, the girl staring at her. What’s this? Why is woman doing this? Big Woman said, "yes the soup." 

At least Tasha knew she linked the spoon with the soup right but the girl did not understand Doctor's reaction at all. It seemed to be a movement Doctor   
liked cause she did it few times now. But the girl had never seen anyone do that. Something to think about later. 

Girl put the "spoon" down and picked up the last item, one that interested her a lot because she couldn’t figure it out. 

"Where blah blah blah that?"

Doctor put her hand out and tried to take Tasha's find. Instinctively, Tasha moved back, hiding her thing under her cloth. "Tathath."

"No." 

Huh? What? Doctor had left it out, it was Tasha's to find and keep. She put both hands on it and moved away again. It must be valuable, useful. Tasha wanted it more now. She glanced to her flashlight on the table. Could she get it to defend her find? No, she didn’t want to hurt Doctor. 

"Tathath."

Big Woman went very serious and spoke so slow and quiet, Tasha was scared. And she said her name first, so she knew it was meant for girl. 

"Tasha, give me that. Blah blah and not safe for you. Please hand blah to me."

Doctor kept her hand out, open, like she wanted the girl to give it to her. Tasha looked back and forth, starting to feel uncertain. Tasha wanted to keep the item and wanted to know what it was. But Doctor didn’t want her to have it. Why? Maybe give it to Doctor. She may give it back when she explains what it does like with the hypospray. So Tasha decided to give it to Doctor, slowly. 

When Doctor took it, she breathed out loudly. 

"Whatth thith?" Tasha said, pointing at it, wanting to know, reaching for the thing. 

"Tasha, it's a scalpel. Very dangerous. See," Doctor spoke slowly again but there was a big word the girl didn’t understand at all. Doctor had said it before. Dangerous. 

Then Doctor held the item up for Girl to see and pressed two buttons on the side. The end lit up as if on fire!! It made a high pitched noise. Doctor then used it to cut through a part of the seat she was it. It cut clean through!!

Tasha wanted it. 

It was better than her knife. Scalpel. It was sharp and she could use that to protect herself. A scalpel. She wanted it badly. 

The girl looked at it in Doctor's hand, trying to figure out how to ask for it, mumbling to herself. She was playing through the words Doctor had used. And Mar-ee. Doctor had said to Tasha, "give me that, " when she wanted it. And please. So...

"Give Tatha thcalpel pleathe." 

To make her intention clear, Tasha reached out for it at the same time. Doctor did sneaky thing and hid the scalpel in her over cloth. 

"No, Tasha, it's too dangerous blah blah blah blah."

As she quit listening to Doctor, Tasha couldn’t see the scalpel but she knew where it was. Could she steal it from Doctor later? Would that get her in trouble? Get her hurt?

While she thought about taking the scalpel back later, Doctor suddenly said, "How blah blah swap with this?" and reached towards Tasha. She jumped back, hitting the seat. That hurt her leg.

Ah! Is she going to hurt Girl for wanting scalpel? 

Ah, no, Doctor was taking thing from table, talking nicely to Girl, "it's OK, Tasha. Here. Tasha, look at this."

Doctor said Girl's name two times so this must be important. Girl looked at what Doctor picked up and she pressed the button on it. And it came to life!! It made a spinning noise and beeped when woman moved it around her body. "See?" Doctor said. 

"Oh," and girl wanted to hold it. What is it? She reached out and took it from Doctor's hand, gently. "Whatth thith?"

"It’s a scanner, Tasha."

Looking at it closely, turning it around, she checked it out, "Thcanner." She pressed the button and it came alive, vibrating in her hand, "OH!" She held it out away from her just in case it was a trick to get her. When nothing happened, the girl pushed the button again and it stopped. 

Hmmm....

She placed it down beside her other finds. 

So she had a "Flath light. Hypothrpay. Thpoon. Thcanner." And the one she wanted back was hidden by sneaky Doctor, "Thcalpel." 

Girl pointed at the scalpel in Doctor's cloth to make sure she knew Girl knew where it was. And that she had not forgotten about it just because Doctor gave her another shiny noisy thing. 

Tasha was going to get the scalpel back.


	32. Safe Paused

Scalpel. 

Tasha was determined to get the scalpel back. It was a much better replacement for her knife that she lost. Stupidly lost. When the girl was stupidly caught by the boy gang. She had been very stupid that day. But even though she was smashed and that had hurt, she was also taken by Doctor. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Because now she was here and even though there was a very Big Man whom she was afraid of, Girl hadn’t been hurt. 

And there was Doctor. 

Doctor was different than everyone Girl had met in her short life. Even Old Woman. Where Old Woman had taken Girl in when she was young, probably saved her, she had been mean and didn’t act like she liked the girl. Girl didn’t feel like a person. Just a body to help Old Woman. But Doctor seemed to like Girl and treated her nicely. Girl even felt like a person again. 

She was Tasha again. 

Doctor took Tasha in to take care of her.

And Tasha liked Doctor. 

So Tasha needed the scalpel not to protect her from Doctor but from Big Man and any other man here. Plus, Tasha was going to protect Doctor, should they try to take over her gang. Tasha was going to be a part of Doctor's gang and show her she was valuable. 

Plus, Doctor had given girl cloth in her color, this color like the sky in her picture. Puzzle! Puzzle! So Tasha was a part of Doctor's gang because she now wore her color. And Tasha wouldn’t give it back to them. Even when they wanted to swap it for a different color, no matter how nice or soft the cloth was. And it was a nice color. Tasha liked it. She stood strong. 

So Tasha needed the scalpel back. 

When she got back to her room, there was a new puzzle waiting for her on her platform. The paper box was bigger than the two before. She was excited. Dumping out the pieces, they seemed smaller and more of them. Lots more of them! Tasha began sorting them out. So for a little while, she forgot about her quest to get the scalpel back and just focused on putting her puzzle together. But before she knew it, Doctor was at her door, saying good night. 

Ah! 

End of the cycle. Time to hide because Doctor was going off to her other rooms. Tasha wished she would stay. Or take her with her. But no....

Doctor walked in and placed a vessel of life liquid on top of the girl's hide, did her upturned mouth face and said, "See you blah, Tasha."

Tasha put the puzzle pieces she was holding down and moved to her hide. She wasn’t tired but had to look like she was so the big room would be empty and locked up. Then she could explore some more. 

Unable to resist the grumble in her stomach, the girl picked up the vessel and drank it down. She was thirsty. Wiping the drops from her face, she said, "Tank you." Those words had stuck in her head when she told Doctor to sleep and she’d keep look out. Doctor said that to her. 

Doctor's up turned mouth turned up more. As if that was possible. Her teeth showed! "You’re welcome, Tasha," she said. 

Ah! Girl felt she got it right. She raised her eyebrows and tried to turn her mouth up. But she wasn’t sure if she managed it. Doctor responded by taking the empty vessel and walking out, saying something. Why did she leave? Her chest started to hurt. So Tasha crawled under her hide and wrapped herself up in her soft covers, pushing the soft things under her head and against the wall. Hiding really was more comfortable here. But not with her chest hurting. 

She was waiting for the lights to go low and the swoosh of her door...

Then....

"Oh, Tasha."

Doctor's cloth covered feet appeared by her hide. Doctor got down on the floor and looked under at the girl. She said, "Tasha, I blah blah more water. It’s out blah."

She showed the girl another vessel and put it to the side out of the way. 

Tasha suddenly felt stupid for having gotten into her hide so quickly. Maybe Doctor was going to spend time with her. But now she ruined it. She felt so stupid. Her chest ached and her eyes began to get wet. 

Still Doctor looked under at her. "Tasha, blah blah Ok?"

She recognized that word. "Tatha, Ooh-Kay," she replied because she didn’t want Doctor to see her being weak and soft. She needed to be strong to stay in Doctor's gang. So she tried to look mean. But that didn’t work when her lower lip trembled. 

"Night, Doc-Tor."

Doctor did her weird face and stood up, disappearing from the girl's view. The lights went low and, swoosh, the door was closed. 

Tasha gave it a while before she was going to think about coming out. Her eyes were wet and her body was doing little jumps when she breathed in. She didn’t know what was happening so pulled her soft covers tighter around her curled up body to get warm. Her body was shaking. Tasha tucked her head in and fell asleep. 

*The cycle was ending so she headed back to the rooms. Carefully picking her way through a broken building, the girl climbed the crumbling steps in to the rooms she shared with Old Woman. Knife in her hand, she carefully opened the door, peering inside. Old Woman was standing at a window, looking out. Strange color light coming in. It was the color of fire. "Get away from window, Old Woman! Not thafe!" Old Woman didn’t move so the girl walked to her, touched her arm. Girl stood beside her but not in sight through the window. "Old Woman?” Old Woman's head turned to Girl. Her eyes were open but not seeing. Cloudy like soup. And her mouth was upturned with all of her teeth showing. Her out breathe smelled like rotten food. Wait!!!! Old Woman didn’t have teeth. She made body rumble noise and fell towards the girl, opening her mouth wider and bit her face off.*

BANG!

"Ow," girl said after she hit her head on the bottom of her hide. Her body was wet and her eyes were leaking, chest banging away. She felt her face but it was all there. Rubbing her head, Tasha looked out from under her table and saw the vessel of life liquid. Quickly, she untangled herself from her soft covers, kicking and scampered out. 

She needed space. 

She needed life liquid. 

Tasha had been seeing in her head and it was a scary see. It left her feeling dark and heated inside.

Old Woman was dead. Why was she seeing Old Woman? And she didn’t have teeth. Confusing. 

The life liquid was room cool, so she drank a little and then, without thinking, scooped some up with the fingers of her good hand and rubbed it on her eyes. That made her feel better. Girl wondered if she could get life liquid from the pee room. Doctor had filled that big vessel up with it. She wanted to put her head in it. Her head hurt. She stood. 

Just in case, Tasha put the vessel with some life liquid still in it on top of her hide for when she returned. Lifting her cloth to make sure she had her flashlight, Tasha walked to the door, listened then touched the black pad to open it. 

Swoosh. 

The big room had low lights and looked empty. Careful now.

Tasha walked across quietly to the pee room and opened the door. She looked around. It looked the same. First, she peed. Then she inspected the big vessel. There were metal things on the end. With big ends on top so she touched them. They didn’t move up or down but, AH! Twisted. She twisted one and life liquid began to come out! She put her head under the flow and began to feel light, holding it under for a few moments. Holding her breath. She drank the coolness in greedily, lifting her head out and shaking the drops from her short soft head. She drank some more and twisted the metal thing the other way, stopping the flow. 

Wow!

That was the nicest thing Girl had ever experienced. Her head was cool again and she felt......

What?

Light inside was all she could think of describing it. 

Girl wanted more. More life liquid soaking her head but getting lost in that would most definitely get her caught. Get her in trouble. Get her hurt. 

She sat on the side of the big vessel and pulled her top cloth up to cover her head and rubbed it to stop drops dripping down her face. When she tugged her top cloth back down, it was wet and cool against her body. Ah, that was nice. She stood up, looked around and when satisfied there was nothing new to find, walked out, shutting the door with the black spot. 

Now that Tasha knew how to get unlimited life liquid, she could do this every dark part of cycle. Yes! Tasha liked finding out new things. 

As she didn’t know what part of dark cycle she was in, she couldn’t waste the time so she quickly looked around and came to Doctor's closed door. She looked at it. Hmmmm, girl wondered....

Tasha pressed the black spot by the door and....

SWOOSH!

She was in before it finished opening. Ah! Quick look around. Doctor's over cloth was on the back of her seat. It was a lighter color than her cloth. Her gang color. Mar-ee and Jess-Ica wore the same colors. Could the scalpel still be hidden away inside? Tasha moved quietly around the table to the seat and felt the sides of the over cloth. It was so soft under her touch. Her rough fingers snagged the cloth reminding her how broken she was. That she didn’t fit here in this place where everything was shiny and clean. And smooth. 

Tasha stopped. Why was she thinking that? She never cared why she was why she was. Why did she now? The girl was always different. Separate. She never fit in. Anywhere. 

But here. 

Doctor was trying to make her fit in. Fix her. 

Could she be fixed?

Now Tasha could see everything that was wrong with her. She had been dirty. Very dirty. Now she was clean. Ah, she’d like another fresh clean. The girl had never realized how gross her head had been but did now because it was soft and short. Her inside pain was gone. Gone so much she had forgotten about it. And her sight was brighter. She was being fixed. 

So that was why Tasha thought like that. She wanted everything to be fixed. She wanted her skin to be as smooth as Doctor's when she holds the girl's hands. So she won’t be disgusted and would want to hold her more. 

Tasha had found the scalpel in her thoughtful dilemma. Still, she needed this. She couldn’t stop being safe yet. Not everyone was nice like Doctor to her. She smelled the over cloth. Ah, clean and fresh! Girl tucked the scalpel under by her flashlight and quickly, but quietly left Doctor's room, closing the door. 

As Tasha didn’t know how much time she had and she didn’t want to get caught taking the scalpel back, she went back to her room, shut her door and slid back into her hide. 

She stopped. 

She reversed herself out and stood up, taking the vessel and drinking the rest down, wiping her mouth. Ah! 

Then she climbed back under and hid her scalpel with the folding box, her hypospray, spoon and scanner. Girl always kept her flashlight on her. Just in case. 

Just in case.

Just in....

She drifted back off to sleep. 

Swoosh. 

Girl’s eyes popped open. She breathed in and held it. Waiting. 

Waiting....

The lights went up. 

She saw cloth covered feet by her hide. Was it Doctor? Why didn’t she talk? She liked to talk. The person walked by, only stopping for a moment. Maybe taking empty vessel. Tasha decided to wait until this person had left before getting out. Getting out of safe place. 

Just in case. 

The feet left her sight and the sound of the steps moved away. 

The girl waited a little longer and then untangled herself, crawling out. She peaked out first. Have to be careful. No one. And then crawled out. She stood up, stretched her arms above her head and twisted her back. 

Ah!!! 

A new vessel of life liquid!! 

Tasha picked it up and began to drink it down, eager to see Doctor this cycle. She walked to the open door, still drinking and looked out. She could see Doctor talking with Jess-Ica. Tasha finished the life liquid. 

And before she knew it, she was saying from her door, “Doc-Tor!”

Ah! Too loud!!! Remember outside voice, stupid girl. 

Still, Doctor turned to see her and her mouth went up. “Good morning, Tasha. How did you sleep?”

Hmm, Doctor spoke slow enough for her to hear each word. What did she say? Girl heard morning, meaning new cycle. And sleep. Ah!!

“Thleep Oh-Kay.”

Doctor turned her mouth up more. Tasha felt her ears heat up and she was suddenly shy, quickly turning away to her room. Why did she do that? She heard footsteps behind her and hoped it was Doctor coming in so she pretended she had left the door to put the vessel on her platform by her puzzle. She looked back, and it was Doctor. Her heart sped up. Why? 

“Doc-Tor,” she said a lot quieter. She wasn’t wearing her over cloth, so she wouldn’t know the scalpel was gone. Now Tasha was worried about what would happen when she does. 

Breathe. Breathe. 

Doctor stopped and stood opposite the girl at her platform. She was doing her upturned mouth face, so Tasha felt she was safe with her. Tasha thought she’d show her she's learning Doctor's talk, and she gestured to her puzzle and said, "Tatha puthle." 

The girl was wracking her brain for words she’d learned from Doctor but she couldn’t think of more. Still Doctor seemed to understand and girl stood tall. She was looking nice at Tasha's puzzle and said, "That’s good, Tasha."

Tasha warmed up inside. She tried to turn her mouth up, like Doctor did but wasn’t sure she could do it. So she raised her brows, and dropped her hands, to show Doctor she was listening. It made her hungry how much she wanted to learn how to talk with Doctor. When had she felt this way? Never. 

Except for when she had been so very hungry, like real hunger, and wanted food, Tasha could not remember wanting something more. More than talking with Doctor. But she survived wanting food, so she felt good about surviving talking with Doctor. 

The girl looked up at Doctor with everything she had, yearning for attention and touch, but she didn’t know that was what she wanted. She had never had that in her young life so didn’t know how it felt to receive it. But her body, her psyche reached out, pulling the girl towards the Doctor. 

It scared Tasha. This feeling. But she stood strong. 

She wasn’t sure what to do. She wished Doctor would get flimsy paper pack and talk out loud from it. So she could rest and listen. Lean her head on Doctor’s shoulder. 

So Tasha picked up the empty vessel and held it up. 

"Tatha want."

"Water? Do blah blah more water, Tasha?" Doctor tilted her head and stopped mouth funny thing. 

Water? Is that Doctor's talk for life liquid? The girl was going to try.

"Yeth, Tatha want wader."

Doctor put her mouth up again, so the girl knew she got it right. Mouth up meant good. 

"Water. Ok, Tasha, I’ll be right blah."

Doctor picked up the empty vessel and walked out. 

Water.

Water means life liquid in Doctor's voice. So now girl can ask for it. But Doctor always gave it without asking. But at least Girl knew now. 

She stretched her arms up over her head. Doing that caused her cloth to come up and she smelled it. Ah! It didn’t smell as nice as it had. She pulled the cloth away from her, looking down at it, "Huh?" Maybe need new cloth. 

Doctor came back in with a vessel, placing it on the girl's platform. Tasha picked it up, trying to sip it, remembering the words, "Tank you." That caused Doctor to do her funny mouth thing that Tasha now liked. 

Then she talked. 

"Tasha, I have some blah to blah blah of blah I will come back later. You will be blah to a blah blah to stay. You blah blah blah me. Blah blah that’s ok, Tasha."

Tasha didn’t understand at all but she nodded and said "Oh-Kay." 

Not moving, Doctor looked at Tasha before turning her mouth up and leaving. All of a sudden, Tasha felt an emptiness. She wanted Doctor to stay. But that was stupid, girl, to think that. Doctor is head of gang. She has more important stuff than a dirty girl. 

NO!!

Don’t think like that. Doctor will come back. Why would she bring life liquid. No! Water. Why bring it to girl if she didn’t like her? It’s Oh-Kay. 

Tasha shook her head and threw her arms out to loosen them. She then put her head down and looked at the new puzzle.


	33. A Safe Place

Tasha didn’t want to think about being on her own again, so she just threw herself into her puzzle. She tried to sip her life liquid but it was drunk straight down when she started. She just wiped the drops from her face and went to look out her door. There were always more people out there so the girl stayed in her room. Don’t want to walk into danger when she could remain safe here. She thought it weird that no one ever came into her room. Only Doctor and maybe Mar-ee or Jess-Ica but those two not often. Maybe Doctor didn’t allow it. 

During the cycle, Doctor only came in once, with liquid food for Tasha, who thanked her and drank it down. 

So trying not to think her dark thoughts, Tasha focused on the tiny pieces of her puzzle. They were so much smaller than the others, she had to really look at them. Especially to find where they belonged. That’s what Tasha liked about the puzzles, every piece had its own specific place. She hoped to find her place one cycle. 

BANG BANG.

Tasha jumped at the sound and spun to the door! How did she allow herself to forget her surroundings? That would be a whole lotta hurt back where she had been..

"Ah!"

It was Doctor. Letting her know she was there. Or maybe seeing if she’s paying attention. 

"Doc-tor," Tasha said, breathing slowly. She wondered why Doctor would come in now and thought she better show her something, Need to stay useful. She looked at her puzzle, passing her hand over it, "See? I’m almost done," she said in her voice. 

Doctor turned her mouth upwards and said, "Tasha, blah moving to my blah are you blah to go?"

Hmm, too many words the girl didn’t understand. What does Doctor want? Tasha put the puzzle bits down and dropped her hands, waiting for Doctor to talk again. Waiting to listen. 

Doctor came to her platform, and started picking up her puzzle! Is she taking it away? What did girl do wrong? The woman was putting it back in the paper box. Tasha stared at her, not understanding why she would take her puzzle. It was given to her. She didn’t take it. Doctor did her mouth thing, "Blah your things, Tasha, you’re coming with me."

Things! Tasha's things! Doctor can’t take Tasha's things. Her chest banged and she sucked in her breath, rushed to her hide, scrambling under it. She had her flashlight, so she grabbed her scanner, hypospray and of course her scalpel. The folding box would have to stay hidden here, tucking it further into the metal fold under her hide. She slid back out, standing, hiding her things under her cloth. She kept the scalpel gripped in her hand. Just in case. She stared at Doctor, who was putting her puzzle bits into the paper box, breathing too fast. 

What did Girl do wrong? Was she going to be punished? Was she being sent back? 

No! She didn’t want to go back! She didn’t want to live in the dirty alleys, being cold and hungry all the time! 

"Honey, it’s OK. Blah blah moving to blah place. With me. Please do not worry."

Doctor spoke slow and soft. Tasha wanted to believe it was alright. Wanted to believe she wasn’t being sent away. Away and back to her crappy life before. Girl liked clean soft things to hide in. Maybe she could take them with her. She stared at Doctor. Unable to move. 

"Blah blah Tasha you'll be OK."

Ok.

"Oh-Kay? Oh-Kay?"

With a deep breath in, Tasha slowly walked to Doctor, keeping look out, checking for danger. She kept her good hand on the scalpel under her top cloth. Just in case. 

Doctor kept moving her puzzle into the paper box which worried the girl. Then the woman picked it up and walked out of Tasha's room! 

She wants Girl to follow. Is this a trick? Doctor hasn’t tricked Girl yet? But what if.....?

Tasha wanted so much to trust Doctor, so she followed, moving to the open door into the big room. Doctor just stood outside, with her upturned mouth, looking at the girl. Tasha looked back at her, then she checked the big room. No one was there. Not even Mar-ee or Jess-Ica. So she stepped out carefully. But stopped at the door. Be careful, Girl. She looked to Doctor. What’s she doing? Where is she looking?

But Doctor just kept her mouth upturned and walked away, to the door Tasha only was ever able to get out of that one time! The door that led to the covered alleys. Doctor was taking her somewhere else! Tasha watched her. *Be careful, Girl.*

"Come on, Tasha."

Tasha felt uneasy in her stomach. But she so wanted to trust Doctor that she walked towards the outer door. But she looked everywhere. She needed to make sure no one was hiding or would come rushing out from the closed doors. And Doctor stayed, waiting, just outside. 

Maybe it’s safe. 

She got to the door, peaked out and when she didn’t see anyone, stepped out into the covered alley.

Someone came around the corner!! 

Tasha jumped back, quiet and quick! Don’t let them hear you. She huddled just inside the open door and thought about hitting the black spot next to it to see if it would shut the door but.....

"It's OK, Tasha. Come on."

Doctor. 

She was still there. She didn’t hide. 

Ah! Doctor was the boss! This is her gang. She was going to take Tasha safe through covered alleys! Taking a deep breathe, Tasha stepped out into the alley. Looking both ways, looking, looking. Ok, it was safe. Doctor walked off so Tasha followed her. Hand on her scalpel, just in case. But there were other people walking in this alley. Tasha normally hid and didn’t walk alleys when there were others about. That led to her being grabbed, hit or pushed because people didn’t want to walk past a dirty girl. So she flattened herself to the wall of the alley, to get out of the way. Dropped her eyes to not see people in the face. That way they don’t see her. Don’t notice her. And she had to do that many times following Doctor. But Doctor wasn’t afraid. Doctor didn’t stop. She walked strong. Straight. And made people get out of her way. Tasha wanted to stay with Doctor. She was strong. 

They came to a closed door that took a while to open. When it did, Tasha saw it was a small room with people in it. Doctor went to walk it but, NO! Not safe! Doctor, don’t be stupid. Not OK. Tasha stayed outside, moved to the wall, and hid. Whispered, "No OH-Kay." This happened a few times. Doctor always tried to walk in but Tasha would not and kept her out. Doctor seemed to feel what the girl was doing and stayed out. That was good because it wasn’t safe. Why would Doctor want to put herself in a closed small room? With people?

But then a small room arrived and was empty. Tasha walked in carefully and Doctor followed. The woman said something out loud, the door closed and the small room moved!!

What?!?

This was a trick! Tasha had been led into a fake room! But it moved under her feet!! 

She crouched down, making herself small and her body made a loud noise, shaking. Why did it do that? Normally she could keep quiet but this was a new sensation to her. She knew it wasn’t safe, held her scalpel to her and repeated for the Doctor, "No OK, no OK, No OK," hoping she could stop this room moving. Please, please,please...

A voice.

"Tasha, it's OK, sweetie.' And a lot of blah blah blah. 

But as her breath got faster, she heard Doctor’s voice through her muddled thoughts, and looked up. Her eyes were leaking life liquid. Why did they do that??!? She looked up and saw Doctor’s eyes.

"We're Oh-Kay, Tasha."

Ah.

Then the room stopped moving and the doors opened so Tasha didn’t waste any time. She ran. Ran out the door into the covered alley. 

Ah! 

A doorway with a big surround. Hide here!

She tucked herself away inside the door and waited. Doctor was sure to follow. She wouldn’t let the girl get away. And then she saw Doctor come out. Let her know, let her know girl is brave. 

"Tatha Oh-Kay."

Doctor seemed to wait, breathe, before replying. The girl was worried for a moment. Maybe Doctor wasn’t on her side. Was she mad?

"Yes, Tasha, you are OK."

Oh-Kay. So the girl felt she was safe still. But then Doctor just walked off, down the alley. Tasha had to follow or be lost. Be lost in the covered alleys. It was more of the same. Stay out of the way of everyone!! So many people walking here. But weirdly enough, no one tried to interfere with the girl. No one touched her. No one hit her. And no one talked to her. Doctor must have good control over her gang. 

Then Doctor stopped. 

So Tasha stopped. Doctor looked at her. And Tasha looked back. Then she talked to the door that was near them, and touched black spot next to it. 

It opened! 

Doctor put her arms out to this new room, saying lotsa of words the girl didn’t understand, talking too fast. She heard her name and living. That seemed familiar but she couldn’t remember where. Or what. She peaked inside and looked back at Doctor. The woman was still holding her hands into this new room. Was this for Tasha? 

Ah!!

Maybe these were Doctor's rooms and she was bringing Tasha to them. For her. Tasha started to panic. Was she going to smash Girl? 

NO!!

No.

Doctor hadn’t tried yet. Why would she try now? Girl wasn’t even as clean as she had been. If Doctor was going to smash her, it would have been when she was cleaned the first time. Not now she was getting dirty again. 

No, Tasha wanted to trust Doctor so she looked at her and stepped in. 

Doctor didn’t follow her. That was a good sign. Tasha could explore but she had to be careful. 

Ah!

Her feet hit the new ground. 

Ah!!

It was soft. It was smooth. It was comfortable. 

The girl looked down at her feet. She was standing on soft ground. And it felt nice. "Oh." She moved her toes, feeling the sensation this soft ground made to her feet. Nice. Much better to walk on. 

Tasha looked around new room. It was clean but it was darker. All the walls were colored, not light like her room and big room. And there were lots of things. Everywhere. So she stepped further inside. Curious. The girl walked around the room. There was a small platform with soft things on it. Good space under. A table like Doctor's in her room. Good space there too if Girl needed a hide. But there were so many things everywhere. What were they all? People just don’t leave things like these out for anyone to take. They must be Doctor's. Was she trusting Tasha not to take them? Not that the girl had anywhere to keep them. Her hide with her folding box and soft things was now very far away and Girl wasn’t sure she could find there again. Not on her own. 

A door. 

It was open so she peaked through. Ah, a big platform with soft things. Ground was still nice to walk on. Not as many things in here but there was a window into black nothingness. This room seemed soft. Tasha felt relaxed. And another door. Tasha walked there, aware Doctor wasn’t following her. Hmm. The other side of the door was a big pee room. She realized she needed to pee so she did. While she sat, she looked around this big pee room. There were things she wasn’t sure what they were but she recognized a vessel that looked like a small version of the one she sat in with life liquid. Old Woman had one and it was used to clean from. Excellent!! Girl hoped to clean again. She liked being clean. 

Feeling a little more relaxed, Tasha walked back through the rooms to the door where Doctor was standing. Waiting. She wanted to know what was happening. She thought she was being moved here. But she wanted to know for certain. Big Woman was just standing there outside the door, holding the girl's puzzle box. Waiting. 

Waiting for Tasha. 

How to ask?

Girl didn’t know. So she looked at Doctor and turned back into the room, picking up the first thing she saw, "Whatth thith?"

And Doctor told her. A new word!

So Tasha wanted to know what everything was! Learn words for everything! So she picked up thing after thing, holding them carefully because they were Doctor's and asked what it was. She repeated the word, trying to remember it and placed the thing back exactly where it was had been. Doctor followed her around, letting her explore and ask questions. Tasha was feeling bold. She felt warm. Doctor was looking at her with her weird up turned mouth and seemed to want Girl to be, um, girl. And Tasha kept asking. 

Tasha picked up a thing that was shaped like a woman, but no woman she had ever seen, and held it up to ask what it was but Doctor softly took it from her. 

"Ok, Tasha, blah blah. I need to show you blah."

Ah, learning new words was over. Tasha looked at the woman thing and then to Doctor. It was interesting. And looked like no woman Tasha had ever seen so she wanted to know. But Doctor wanted to do something else... something else with Girl. Tasha thought. She thought about whether she was worried. Or scared. 

But she wasn’t. 

What did Doctor want? 

Big Woman turned away and walked to the small platform in the first room. Doctor put her hand on it and talked, "Tasha, this is your bed. You'll sleep blah blah." Then she put her hand on a table next to the platform, "these are your clothes."

Tasha stared. She knew Doctor was talking to her, because she spoke her name but what was she saying? She heard sleep, which she knew. That was rest with eyes closed. Clothes sounded like cloth. Maybe....

Doctor touched the platform and pointed at Girl. Ah! Doctor wants Tasha to come so she walked over. Maybe these are for Girl. Tasha looked at Doctor for any sign and touched the platform, like Doctor did, asking, “Tatha?”

“Yes, Tasha.”

Ah! Tasha inspected the platform. She had woken up on the one in her room a few times. Was she to sleep here? It was too out in the open for that. Not safe. But it was smooth and had soft things on it. The girl lifted herself up on to it and sat. It was soft. She fell to her side and bounced, lying in her back. She put her hands to her things under her cloth, reassured they were still there. Nice. This was nice. And smelled fresh. She rolled over and hopped off. Doctor had also pointed to the structure next to this, with different levels. There was cloth on it. Cloth like she had on. Tasha touched them, smooth and soft. She smelled one, ah, clean! New cloth to wear. 

“Oh-Kay,” she said, satisfied with her new cloth. With her back to Doctor, she didn’t want woman to see, Tasha hid some of her things under the soft thing on her platform and patted it flat. She kept her flashlight with her though. Never know when she might need it. 

Doctor was still standing, just waiting. Tasha looked at her. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do. Looking at Doctor, she lifted her shoulders and loosened her arms out. Waiting. 

Girl could be patient. She didn’t want to scare Doctor. 

Suddenly, Doctor came to life! 

“Tasha, why don’t you blah blah this.” 

Doctor walked to a table and put the paper box down. 

AH!! She still had the girl’s puzzle. Tasha followed her and Doctor started to take the pieces out, laying them on the table and putting the bigger pieces back together. No, that’s Girl’s. It was given to Girl. 

“Tatha,” she said, taking the pieces from Doctor, looking at her. It was all Girl had to do. 

“Ok, Ok, Tasha. You can do it.”

Good. Doctor understood. 

Huh? Why were the pieces all apart? She had put these together already. Did Doctor take them apart? Break them? Why would she do that? Ah! To see if Girl could put them back together. To see if she is smart enough to be in her gang. That had to be it. Doctor was there, watching her so that had to be it. A test! So she re-looked at each piece and placed them back together. Aware Doctor was watching her, Tasha was precise and careful, placing each piece where it belonged.


	34. Placed Safely

Tasha was a little unsettled with how much of her puzzle had come apart. She never had much in her life but she took pride in what she did have. She liked doing something right. And her puzzle had been taken apart. So the girl looked at each little piece to find it's place again. Doctor had sat down on a seat and got herself a drink. She put life liquid next to Tasha. 

Water. 

Tasha had to remember it was water now. She sipped it as she put the pieces back together again, feeling calm and relaxed. Girl liked feeling this way. Never before did she get to focus so much on something as she had to constantly pay attention to what was happening around her. And it was good Doctor stayed where she was, in her seat, because she could keep an eye on her. 

Then Doctor stood up and walked to her table. She sat in a seat there and began pushing buttons on the movable box thing. And picked up a flat metal thing. She had held one of those in her room back where Tasha had been. What was that? What was Doctor doing? 

Tasha put her pieces down and walked over to the woman, quietly. Standing near Doctor, she looked at the flat metal thing and symbols were passing over the top of it. Doctor kept pushing buttons and looking back and forth from the movable box to the flat thing. The girl kept watching when suddenly Doctor jumped and said, "Hi, Tasha, what do you want?"

Curiosity piqued, she was unable to stay quiet any longer. She pointed at the flat metal thing and said, "Whatth thith?"

Doctor did her nice upturned mouth and said, "This, Tasha, is to help you learn."

Tasha didn’t understand what Doctor said but felt that this flat metal thing was for her so she reached out to take it from Doctor. Doctor allowed her to take it. Holding it carefully, Tasha stepped away and sat down on the soft floor, crossing her legs so she could rest the metal thing on them. 

The soft floor was nice to sit on. 

The flat metal thing was glowing, with symbols on the surface. Tasha looked at it, afraid to touch it, watching the symbols move up. She had never seen anything like this before. It was weird, changing pictures, changing symbols. So she watched it, not sure why Doctor would give it to her. 

Doctor sat next to her. On the floor. The nice soft floor. And pointed at the metal thing. Doctor talked to her, slowly and nicely. Tasha found out what "learn" meant. Ah! Doctor wants Girl to learn her talk! This flat metal thing had talk on it in Doctor’s voice. And it spoke out loud. Tasha could copy it. Learn it! She liked this metal thing. Doctor slowly showed her how to work it, what to press, when to move the symbols around. Tasha liked Doctor sitting next to her. Helping her learn new voice. It made her feel wanted. Feel needed. Feel like a person who mattered. 

Doctor said, "You're a clever girl, Tasha."

Tasha mattered now. 

To Doctor. 

So Tasha wanted to learn this new voice. So she could talk with Doctor. 

**A**

"Aaeee."

**A**

"Aeee."

**B**

"Beee."

**B**

"Beee."

**C**

"Theee."

Tasha listened carefully, then said the sound and followed it on the metal thing with her finger. They were like the symbols on the signs in the alleys where she had been. Did those symbols have sound to them too? She wasn’t sure but she wanted to put the sound together with the symbol so tried to remember it, tried to repeat if. Tried to follow it on the metal thing. 

**M**

"Emmm."

**N**

"En."

**N**

"En."

Ah!! Doctor was watching. Watching to see how Girl was doing so the girl looked up to her, tried to turn her mouth up and repeated what she learned, "Aee, bee, thee, Dee, eee, ef, gee, aitch," ah! What was next??

But Doctor did her body shake with sound, her mouth turning up. She said, "Yes, Tasha, very good."

Tasha looked at Doctor, because she didn’t know why she made that noise. Her mouth turned up, which the girl thought was a good sign but what was the body shake and noise? Tasha stared at the woman. 

"Blah we have dinner, Tasha? Blah I’ll show you blah the blah. Ok?"

Doctor talked suddenly. Tasha caught some of it. Dinner was familiar. The girl wracked her brain for what it had meant to her. She thought maybe something with food. But by the way Doctor stood, she wanted to do something different now, so Tasha stood up, turning the flat metal thing off like she was shown and tucked it under her top cloth next to her flashlight. 

"Oh-Kay."

"Hmm, why blah we put the blah blah blah blah blah it blah blah blah?"

Ah! Tasha wasn’t ready to listen and missed most of Doctor's talk so she just said,"Huh?"

Pointing at the flat metal thing under her cloth, Doctor said, "The PADD, Tasha."

Ah! 

Doctor knew she hid things under her cloth. Ok. Give the flat metal thing back to her. Girl couldn’t keep it now. So Tasha took the metal thing out and handed it back to Doctor with sadness because she wanted to learn. But Doctor took it to the layered table where Girl's new cloth was and put it down. 

"See? We will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah it. OK?"

So, Doctor put it back with something she had shown as Tasha's. So the metal thing, PADD, was her's. To make sure, Tasha walked over to the layered table and checked it, touched the PADD, the clean cloth, smelling it, "Oh-Kay."

Tasha thought about changing her top cloth to one of the clean ones when Doctor said, "Excellent. What do you want to eat?"

Tasha recognized the word eat. No food! Don’t know what’s in it! Or what it costs. 

"Eeat? Wa-Der. Pleathe."

That was hard to say. Tasha had to speak slowly and try to move her mouth. She wasn’t used to speaking aloud and was still trying to find her voice. 

"Anything else?"

Doctor stared at her. 

Answer, Girl.

"No."

Doctor pointed to a seat at the table where the girl's puzzle was. She moved to the table and sat in this seat. Doctor said, "Water," and put a vessel of water in front of her. Ah! How did she do that? So quick! It’s so cool! Tasha picked it up and drank it straight down before it could be taken away. Ah, Tasha felt better. She didn’t realize she needed life liquid. Her brain was getting dark. Now she felt better, she stood up....

"Blah blah, Tasha, stay blah," Doctor said loudly, pointing at Tasha's seat. 

What? Doctor had too many words! Too many out loud thoughts! Tasha wondered if she would ever understand but she sat back down, trying to think through the words Doctor had said. But then Doctor put another vessel in front of her. Hmm, what’s this? Tasha looked at it. Ah, liquid food. She dipped her finger in it to taste, to test it, to make sure. Never be too careful. But it was cool and she picked it up and drank it down before Doctor could take it back. Tasha had forgotten she was hungry. So many times she went without food, she would get used to the feeling and just keep going. But once she tasted this liquid food, it was all she could do to drink it in quick enough. Fill her stomach. 

Ah.

She licked a little dribbling down her lips, pushed the vessel back to Doctor and said, "Hmmmmm, good." 

Because it was. 

But Doctor was staring at her. But not seeing her. 

Where did Doctor go? She was there but not. And her face was serious. Was not nice. 

Tasha was scared. Did Doctor now expect Tasha to do what she wants? The Girl accepted the liquid food. She has to pay for it somehow. That’s what happened last time she accepted food from a stranger. From a man. He took what he wanted. From Girl. Smashed her. 

Pulling her legs up to her body, Tasha could feel her heart beat faster and faster. She didn’t want to believe Doctor wanted that. Wanted to do that. To her. Could she fight her off? Doctor wasn’t as big as a man. Maybe Tasha stood a chance. But Tasha didn’t want to hurt Doctor. 

She liked Doctor. 

"Hey, it’s OK, Tasha."

Doctor came back. With her up turned mouth. And looked nicely at the girl. 

"Hmmm, Oh-Kay," she replied but still kept her legs up, protecting herself. Just in case. 

Doctor picked up the empty vessel and looked at Tasha. Her eyes seemed nice. Soft. And they crinkled. Her mouth went up. Tasha really wanted to know what that was. Why Doctor did it so much when she looked at girl. Tasha stared at her.

"Will you sit blah me blah I eat dinner, Tasha?"

Ah! Doctor is talking to her. Eat? Dinner. But she had liquid food. What? Ah!

"Doc-tor eeet?"

"Yes, Tasha, so I can eat."

Doctor wanted to eat. Eat with girl there. Tasha will keep look out for Doctor. She felt she was being trusted. "Oh-Kay." The girl placed her hands on the table and unfolded her legs, swinging them while she waited. Doctor spoke to a wall and turned back with a big flat vessel. She sat down on the other side of the table, putting the vessel down. Doctor seemed to be careful of Tasha's puzzle pieces that were there. And she held a metal stick in her hand. Like her spoon but with spokes. And doctor stabbed into the vessel, to bring food to her mouth. Solid food. But Doctor ate slowly. Was she not afraid of getting caught? Of loosing her food? Well, no because Girl was watching out for her. Tasha looked around but it was only the two of them in this room. And she would hear the swoosh if someone came in so......she just watched Doctor eat. Slowly. One piece of food. Slowly. Stab one more piece of food. 

"Sweetie, blah blah your PADD and work on blah blah?"

Doctor was speaking to her. Again. Tasha thought and looked for outside voice. Doctor said PADD. Did Doctor want Tasha to get PADD? Speaking, the girl just repeated, "PADD? Tatha?"

"Yes, Tasha. PADD."

Ah! So she was right. Doctor wanted Tasha to keep learning. "Oh-Kay," and she slid off the chair, going to her layered table and picked her PADD up. She briefly touched her new soft cloth, hoping to put it on soon. She liked having new cloth and walked back to Doctor, to keep look out while she ate. Sitting, she put the PADD on her legs and turned it on. Ah! It remembered where she stopped. Good. She said with her inside voice, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and then began listening to the PADD voice. It was a woman voice and Tasha wondered who it was. She looked up at Doctor but she was eating. It wasn’t her. The symbols came up and she followed them with her finger, repeating what the PADD woman said. Some sounds were hard! 

Tasha looked up at Doctor again and she looked back, turning her mouth up. Tasha felt good, like she was doing it right and wanted to do more so she kept at it, getting through more sounds. She liked that the PADD woman would stay with a sound for a while, it gave the girl time to say it over and over. To say it right.

The girl looked up. Doctor was still eating! Tasha was intrigued and wanted to know what Doctor was eating. And why it took so long. She stopped the PADD woman's talking and stood up, trying to look into Doctor's vessel. She couldn’t see in but it was obviously not bad because Doctor was eating it. Tasha wanted to try it. She hadn’t eaten solid food since a few cycles before she came here. Wherever here is. And how long had she been here? 

She was distracted. The girl pointed at Doctor's food and said, "Tatha eat."

Doctor nodded and pushed the vessel towards Girl. She looked in. There were different colored bits in it. Not cloudy liquid like that horrible smelling soup. She decided on a piece and carefully reached for it, picking it up. It was the color of Doctor's skin. Tasha turned it around in her fingers. It was soft. She smelled it. It smelled a little like the cloudy liquid. The soup. Yuck. But she thought she should try it. Touching it to her tongue to test, it was OK. So she placed it in her mouth. 

Ah. 

It felt like the cloudy liquid smelled. 

It was terrible. Yuck. She felt like the liquid food was going to come back out. She couldn’t bring herself to bite into it. 

But she had it in her mouth. 

Afraid to look at Doctor, Tasha let it fall out onto the table. 

"No, no, no."

How could Doctor eat that?

"It's all right, Tasha. You blah have to blah it."

Tasha was embarrassed. She felt she weakened herself in the eyes of Doctor. What kind a useful gang member was she if she couldn’t even eat Doctor's food? She was useless. Old Woman was right. Girl doesn’t have the right to be apart of Doctor's gang. 

Do something. Don’t just stand here like a stupid girl. 

Turning, Tasha picked up her PADD and sat back down, quickly turning it on, letting PADD woman tell her sounds. Try to show Doctor she is good enough to be apart of her gang. 

The girl's chest began to hurt. 

She had to be a part of Big Woman's gang. She had to be. 

Doctor was the strongest person she had ever met. She controlled her gang and no one ever seemed to get hurt. And Doctor didn’t let Girl get hurt. She protected Girl. Fixed Girl. 

She could feel Doctor watching her while she ate her food. Tasha wanted to show she was worthy so she pulled her legs up on the chair and focused on her PADD. Doctor would see how much the girl was trying to learn. To learn to use Doctor's voice. 

Then....

"Come on, Tasha. Let’s blah blah blah blah bed, OK?"

Doctor was standing beside Girl. Did she loose track? What did Doctor say? Bed. That sounds familiar but she wasn’t sure why. But Doctor wanted her to do something. Something else. 

"Oh-Kay," Tasha nodded, turned her PADD off like she was shown, stood and began to tuck it under her cloth. She stopped. 

"Ah!" 

No. PADD goes on layered platform! So Doctor knew she knew that, Tasha ran to it, placing the PADD carefully on the middle layer. And she wanted Doctor to know she would take care of it, she patted it, saying "Tathath PADD."

Doctor turned her mouth up, nicely, and said "Yes. That’s your PADD, Tasha."

Girl had been ready to listen and heard every sound! Her chest stopped hurting and she felt good about getting to stay. 

"Come on," Doctor said, flipping her hand and walking into the other room with the big platform. She walked straight through, right to pee room. Tasha stared. Ok. Girl was expected to follow. Maybe Doctor was showing her new things. Doctor always showed her new things. Gave her things. Made her feel good. Made her feel real. 

Tasha ran through the other room. She wanted Doctor's attention. She ran so fast, she almost fell stopping. Ah! The girl looked down at her cloth, smoothing it, feeling it’s softness. 

"All right." 

Tasha looked back up at Doctor, who was talking to her. Listen, Girl. She squinted her eyes, focusing.

"Now this is the shower blah you will bathe. See?"

Doctor pulled a flimsy cloth back. It was hanging from the roof. There was a big vessel like in the pee room back near Tasha's room. Ah! Maybe Girl gets to get clean! The woman then pointed to a black square on the wall and touched it. 

Tasha watched in amazement. 

She could not believe what she was seeing. Just like with the big vessel in the other room, life liquid came falling out from above! Where did Doctor get so much life liquid from that she could waste it like this? 

"Oh."

Life liquid, no, water, kept falling. Tasha looked at the black square and reached up to it but wasn’t sure she should touch it. But the water just kept falling. She reached out for it with both hands. The water was warm and nice! She moved her hands around causing the life liquid to get in her face. Ah! That felt good! The girl liked water on her face and threw more back, closing her eyes. She felt so good, a weird sound came out of her body. 

So lost in the moment of feeling she was going to get to live with Doctor, in a place where she wouldn’t have to search for life liquid, Tasha forgot and closed her eyes, throwing water on her face. She felt so good!

Doctor made her loud body shaking sound, snapping Girl from her daydream. Tasha stopped feeling good and spun to look at Doctor. Why did she make this sound? What was it? 

But Doctor touched the black square and the water stopped falling from above. 

What?

Tasha looked at the square. And looked at Doctor. What? She controls life liquid? 

"See, Tasha. On," and Doctor pressed a certain spot in the black square. The water came down again! Ah! Then Doctor said, "Off." She pressed a different part of the black square and the water stopped. "You try."

Doctor moved back, holding her open hand out to the black spot. 

Ah! Tasha was to try this. Try to control life liquid. Control water. Ok. It was like opening and closing the door to her room.

She could do this. Breathing in, she reached up and touched where Doctor had touched to make the water fall. On.

AH!

Life liquid came down from above! The girl jumped! It was amazing! So much life liquid. Just falling. Falling. Tasha wanted it so she stepped towards it and tried to drink it as it fell. 

"Tasha."

Doctor talked to her, hard. She stopped. Ok. Do not drink this life liquid. Feeling like she was in trouble, Tasha thought she could make it up by showing she knew how to stop the fall of water. She looked at Doctor and pressed the part of the black square that had stopped it. Off.

It worked. 

Just to check and show Doctor she was paying attention, and not just some stupid girl who tries to drink life liquid, *like who wouldn’t*, she touched those spots again, quickly. And again. 

And again. 

Doctor took her hand. Doctor's hand was so soft. Girl’s felt rough. 

"Very good, Tasha."

She let go. 

Girl hoped she wasn’t in trouble. Again. She moved her look down. But Doctor kept talking. 

"Now, this is soap."

Soup?

No. 

Doctor put a thick liquid in her hands and rubbed it. It bubbled up and she pretended to move it about her body. 

It did look different. 

Tasha looked at it, and dipped a finger in it. She put her finger to her nose, smelling it, AH, it smelled nice. So she tasted it. 

Ah! Ah! 

Yuck! Bad bad bad taste. She tried to spit it out but the taste remained. Her body breathed out so hard, she felt like her liquid food was coming out. Girl opened her mouth, trying to shake this bad taste out, shaking her head. She heard Doctor do body noise but felt touch on her back. She moved with touch to the smaller vessel Tasha recognized for cleaning. Doctor touched a black bit and it came on, water coming out. Girl's eyes were getting wet and she had trouble seeing but she quickly put her mouth under the fall of water to get rid of this horrible taste!

The water was so nice. 

It was cool. And tasted good. 

So Girl started drinking it. Just in case she didn’t get more. 

It stopped. 

The life liquid stopped. 

Doctor looked at her. Seriously. "No, Tasha. You do not blah water from blah. No water."

Oh.

Tasha was confused. 

There was life liquid dripping from her mouth and she wasn’t allowed to drink it? What was it for?

"No wad-der?" She asked. She had to make sure. Water was life liquid. It kept her alive, made her feel better. 

Doctor's face changed. She looked like she wasn’t sure! Tasha hoped she hadn’t made her feel stupid because that could be bad. 

Doctor pointed at the thing in the small vessel, "No water here," and she pointed to the big room where Tasha's new platform was. "Water out there."

Ah.

OK.

Tasha thought about this. Why would water be different here than out there? Maybe Doctor was saving her? Maybe Doctor was controlling her? Whatever, Tasha knew she could get life liquid in both rooms. Though she knew how in this big pee room. She knew what spot to touch. Tasha remembered. She was good at remembering. 

'Oh-Kay." 

Doctor picked up a stick with bits on the end. "Now, this is a toothbrush." And Doctor's speak got too hard after that. Girl heard her name but too many new words and Doctor spoke too quickly. 

Doctor held the stick up to her mouth. Huh? Was she going to scrape it around in her mouth? And she did. On her front teeth. Tasha didn’t have those teeth. 

Tasha felt less. 

Less than Doctor. 

Doctor stopped and put water in her mouth, spitting it out, "Tasha, what is it?"

She was embarrassed. She could feel her face heat up. So she pointed to her missing teeth at the front of her mouth. It never bothered her before but now, seeing Doctor with her perfect teeth, she felt less. 

How could she scrape teeth she didn’t have?

Doctor's eyes went big. "Oh, honey, you still have teeth at blah back. They’re not blah blah." She sat on the side of the sink, next to Girl, and gently touched her arm. 

Ah! That was nice. 

Doctor picked up another stick that was the same color as her cloth. She held it before Girl, and passed it it under the thing that squirted out stuff. Then held it before the girl again. "Open your mouth." Tasha stared at her. What? Doctor wiggled the stick and dropped her mouth, making it big. Did she want girl to do that? Ah, yes. Be brave. 

Tasha opened her mouth. 

And Doctor put the stick inside her mouth! 

For a moment, she was terrified. She thought of getting smashed in the face. Her body started to shake but that didn’t happen. She felt the stick move in her mouth, against her teeth, her inside mouth. So softly. Doctor was very gentle. 

It felt good. 

Girl closed her eyes to feel this new sensation. Doctor moved stick all around, not hurting her once. Never had anyone done something to her that didn’t hurt. Once Old Woman had to pull a tiny piece of wood from girl's foot but that hurt. A lot. But girl was brave and didn’t make noise. Old Woman would have slapped her if she had. Mean. 

But Doctor was nice. 

She realized the stick wasn’t in her mouth anymore and opened her eyes. Doctor was looking at her with nice upturned mouth. She turned water on and said, "Rinse your mouth out."

Tasha wasn’t sure what she meant but there was a sweet taste in her mouth, soft and light, so she pulled water in and spat it out. And she didn’t drink any to show Doctor she listened. She could follow orders. 

Ah! Her mouth felt fresh. Clean. Nice. 

"Thith good," Tasha said, rubbing her inside mouth with her tongue. She never cleaned her mouth before but it was nice. 

"Does it feel good?"

Huh? Doctor talk. Feel good? 

"Fee-ell?" Tasha tried to repeat the word. She knew good. 

"Feel good."

Doctor said it again. Tasha watched. Listened. Ah! Was "feel" how she felt? Her mouth? It was good. "Feel good," she repeated. 

"Yes," and Doctor sat still and turned her mouth up. Tasha felt good. She tried to turn her mouth up but didn’t know what to move. Doctor held up the stick. The stick the color of her cloth. "This is Tasha's toothbrush." And she put it in a spot on the wall. 

Oh. Doctor was giving her something else. Girl never had so many things before. And this made her feel good. Toothbrush. She reached out to touch it. The end had flimsy bits on it that made her finger tips tingle. "Tathath tooth bruth." And to make sure, she looked at Doctor, "Tathath."

"Yes. Tasha's."

Standing there still, Tasha realized she needed to pee again after all the water she drank. She pointed to the pee vessel and said in her voice, "I need to pee." Doctor understood and walked out of room. Tasha went and peed, and because she now knew how to turn the water on, she rinsed her hands, drying then on her bottom cloth. She touched her toothbrush, letting the flimsy bits make her fingertips tingle. Looking around the room again, she knew what everything was. Her top cloth didn’t smell as nice and her soft short head was getting dirty. She turned and walked to Doctor. 

For a few moments, the girl stood next to Doctor. She was again not seeing. Doctor didn’t notice Girl standing there. This was dangerous, what Doctor did. If the wrong person came in, there could be trouble. Maybe it was good Tasha was there, to look out for Doctor. Yes. That’s what she could do. 

Tasha tugged carefully on Doctor's arm cloth, looking up at her. "Doc-Tor?"

"Yes, Tasha." Big Woman turned her mouth up. 

Ok. Time to clean. Tasha walked back to the big vessel and pressed the on button. "On!" The life liquid came falling from above. The girl was excited. She wanted to climb in, let it cover her whole body. 

"Yes, Tasha. Time for a shower." Doctor's mouth turned up more. She came in to stand beside her and pulled her cloth, both top and bottom. "Take blah off and get in."

Ah! Change her cloth too. She did like the color, it was Doctor's color. Maybe she would get another. Taking her flashlight out, Tasha pulled her cloth over her head and pushed her lower cloth down, stepping out, dropping her flashlight on the cloth pile. She hadn’t been naked for quite a few cycles now, she thought as she climbed into the big vessel. The life liquid poured over her, rolling down her head and body. The girl held her face up, letting it clean her eyes. Opening her mouth. It felt so good. She lifted her arms up, turned around and let it hit her back. The water pounded her back and she felt relaxed. 

Then remembering Doctor had showed her that bad tasting stuff, she looked for it. There was a tall vessel on the side. Being as gentle as she could, she poured out the thick liquid and rubbed her hands together like Doctor had done. It bubbled up, so she rubbed it around her body, under her arms, in between her legs and the bottoms of her feet. This stuff smelled so nice. No where had there been anything that smelled this nice where she had been. Tasha got a little more and rubbed her head with it. Then, like with toothbrush stuff, she rinsed it off under the falling water. 

Tasha just stood under the water, letting it soothe her rough skin. She wanted to stay there forever but Doctor was probably waiting. She pressed the button in the black square.

"OFF!"

She waited. 

Was she supposed to walk out dripping with life liquid. 

"Doc-TOR!!"

Oh too loud. Remember outside voice. 

Doctor came in and looked at her. Tasha remembered she was naked. Ah! But Doctor didn’t seem to care. She got a big big cloth and put it around girl. And walked out. 

Oh. 

Big cloth was soft so Tasha wiped the water off, grabbed her flashlight and followed Doctor out with it around her, to cover her body. She felt good. She felt clean. And she tried to turn her mouth up at Doctor. Woman looked nicely at her, "Come on, you. To bed," and went to big room. 

Tasha followed Doctor to her layered platform and took clean cloth, putting them on. The top was a different color but the bottom was Doctor's color. That was good. And the bottom was short, not all the way to her feet. Ok to sleep in. 

Ah! Sleep time. With everything that happened, moving here and learning, she felt tired. She had to get her hide ready. Tasha had decided to make it under Doctor's table. It wasn’t as good a space as in her room but it would do. Her table had put her out of sight. Safe. "Take the soft things from platform," she said to herself. 

"Wait, Tasha, what blah blah blah? Blah blah your bed."

Bed? Girl could not sleep there. Too open. She pointed to table, "Thleep."

Doctor talked a lot in her voice. Tasha thought she said to sleep on the bed. The platform. But she couldn’t. So she pointed again at the table, twice. "No. Thleep."

"Ok, Tasha. You sleep there. Doctor will sleep in there," woman said, pointing to the big platform in the other room. 

Hmm. Leaving her soft things, Tasha walked to the open door and looked in. Only door in there was to pee room. Doctor's platform was in view from the door. She turned around and could see her hide, so she could keep an eye on Doctor. That will do. "Oh Kay. Doctor thleep. Tatha thleep." She replied, pointing. 

Ah! Check door to alleys. Tasha walked over to it. It didn’t open with her approach. She waved her arms and walked across in front of it. It stayed closed. She looked at it. Certainly Doctor wouldn’t have it so anybody could come in. "Thafe." She returned to Doctor, and patted her arm to rassure her. When Doctor did this to Tasha, it felt good. She picked up her soft things from where she had left them on the platform and set them up under her hide, crawling in and wrapping herself up. They were fresh and she was clean. She thought she would sleep well. 

Doctor was just standing there watching her. "Doc-tor Thleep!" She called out. 

With a sudden movement, Doctor straightened, "Good night, Tasha," and turned away. Tasha could see woman walk into the other room and pull her soft things back on her platform. Good. 

Then the door closed. 

What?! 

She couldn’t see Doctor! What’s happening? Did Doctor lock her out? Leave her in this room to get caught? Her heart raced. Her skin tingled. Tasha was throwing her covers off, kicking, needing to get out. Be ready. She made a loud noise. She was scared. Be quiet, girl, as she crawled out.

The doors opened and a Doctor was there, eyes wide. 

"It’s OK, Tasha. I’m here. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah." 

In her frightened state, Tasha didn’t understand Doctor. "Doc-tor?" It came out quietly. She fell back on her bottom. She felt like all the nice things she had discovered were about to be taken away. Did she deserve them though? Maybe she should just be sent back where she belonged. 

Doctor walked over to her, slowly, and got down on her knees. Tasha's eyes were getting wet. Doctor spoke soft and slow, "Tasha, I’m here. I will not leave you. You are safe. OK?"

Tasha watched her mouth. Listened to each soft word. She felt it was OK. Doctor was here. She took a big breath, "Oh Kay." Doctor reached out and rubbed her head, very very gently and the sensation quietened her mind. Her body relaxed so she crawled back into her hide, pulling her soft cover around her, placing her head on her fresh soft thing. Doctor was still beside her hide, watching, her mouth turned up. 

"Tatha Oh Kay."

"Yes, you are. Good night, Tasha." 

Doctor went back to her room. And the door stayed open this time. Tasha could see her move about and hear her making quiet noises, using the falling water. Using the pee room. Doctor came back to her bed and Tasha saw she had different cloth on, flimsy cloth that was a dark fire color. She climbed onto her platform and Tasha heard her say quietly, "Computer, lights low," and the cycle ended with it getting dark. 

Tasha realized she had left her flashlight on her platform. How could Girl be so stupid. She needed to get it but thought to wait till Doctor was asleep. So she waited. 

Still watching Doctor's platform, she saw the covers being pushed back. Doctor came out into the girl's room. Quietly. 

What does she want?

What’s she doing?

Is she going to smash girl now?

Tasha should have gotten her light when she had the chance. She pulled her cover tight and slowed her breathing to become invisible. She watched Doctor from her dark hide. Doctor stood still then went to girl's platform. Ah!! She is taking Girl's things! 

No!

But Tasha couldn’t move. Stay very still, Girl.

Doctor walked to near the table where her puzzle was and faced the wall. Tasha heard, "Water," very quietly. 

Then Doctor walked to the side of her hide. Tasha shrunk back. Doctor bent down and placed a vessel and something on the floor beside it, standing and going back to her room, climbing onto her platform. Going all quiet. 

Tasha listened and then reached out, grabbing what Doctor had left. It was her flashlight!! Woman had gotten it for her. Tasha couldn’t believe it. She pulled it under her covers, turning it on. She looked at her top cloth and saw it was the dark fire color of Doctor's flimsy cloth. 

Ah, still part of Doctor's gang. 

She turned her flashlight off, holding it close to her body while she tried to think through everything that had happened this cycle. Her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep, feeling suddenly very weary and tired.


	35. Safe and Depressed

The cycle was still dark. 

She could see more from her hide here. Her last was lower to the ground. Tucked away under Doctor's table, Tasha could see the dark shapes of things in the room. See into Doctor's room. 

Is she allowed to explore here when it was dark cycle?

The girl had been awake for a while, thinking of her new place. Of how so much had changed. How long ago was it had she been in her place, dirty, tired, hungry and scared? 

Smelling the fresh scent of her new soft things reminded her she was lucky. That she had to be careful not to loose these things. 

And it seemed she was saved again. Two times. First was by Old Woman when Tasha had been a tiny girl. Now it was Doctor. And Tasha was grown. Old Woman had taught girl to be hard. To be strong. To survive. What would Doctor teach her? 

To be nice?

Girl never had to be nice. She hadn’t had to think of anyone but herself for a long time. To look out for anyone else. To matter to anyone else. Mostly she never thought beyond staying safe and not always being hungry. Both were hard. But here she didn’t have to think about those things. Well, maybe staying safe. Just in case. 

Time to explore. 

Pushing her covers away as quietly as she could, Tasha crawled out from under her hide. This one was higher and she could move more when resting so she didn’t feel as stiff. She still stretched her arms up, twisting around. First she tried to look around without her flash light. After all, she wasn’t alone. Doctor was sleeping in the next room. Girl could hear her breathing. Hear her moving. But she couldn’t see things without the light. 

There wasn’t anything on the ground to trip on so she decided to walk somewhere then turn her light on to see. 

Her foot touched something. Ah! The vessel Doctor had put there. She squatted and lift it with both hands, smelling it. It was water. She stood and drank it down, savouring the last room warm drops in her mouth. Leaving the vessel on top of her hide, she walked to the open door. She stood in the doorway, looking in at the sleeping form of Doctor. There was only a little light coming in through the window into nothingness. The tiny light spots seem to shine in. 

Doctor was covered in her own soft things, on her side. Tasha couldn’t see her face but she could hear her breathing, slow and steady. Good. Doctor needs rest to stay strong. She didn’t want to wake her so moved quietly away from the door. She found a seat. A soft seat wide enough for at least three people. Tasha sat on it. It felt smooth against her bare legs. Ah! She had short cloth on, she remembered. Her legs were uncovered. It was very comfortable. She turned her flash light on. There was a low table by it with things on it. She picked up the closest. It was a box of some type. She opened it up and inside were little rocks of different colors. They seemed to glow when Tasha held the light behind them. She thought they were pretty. She couldn’t think what good they would be or how they could keep girl safe but they were nice. She put them back and placed the box exactly where it had been. 

Next to that was a flimsy paper pack. Ah! Like Doctor talked from. Tasha picked that up and placed it on her legs so she could use one hand to open it and one hand to hold her light to see it. Each paper bit had symbols on it like Tasha was learning on her PADD! This excited Tasha. She could pick out the ones she remembered and spoke them out loud, quietly. 

“Eth. Aee. Eff. Eee.”

There were so many symbols. And they were placed together in groups. Hmm, Tasha hoped she would be able to understand these soon. That was all there was in this pack so she put it back. 

Just like hers, there was another PADD on this table. Tasha knew her’s was on her layered platform so this must be Doctor’s. Gently picking it up, she turned it on like her’s and looked at the symbols and images. Again the symbols were grouped together. They must mean something when they are like that. Ah, maybe they are Doctor’s voice. The pictures were of people’s bodies. Well not all of it, but parts. Like hands and feet. Well, Doctor knows this kind of thing. She did fix Tasha. Tasha turned the PADD off and left it on the table. 

Hands and feet. Tasha had a bad hand and a bad foot. Her bad foot hurt. Maybe Doctor was going to fix them. 

Standing, she turned her light off and walked further around the room. There was a covered window. At least Tasha thought it was a window. She examined it, around it and found a black square next to it on the wall. The girl pressed in the square and the window cleared!!!! And then Tasha was looking out into the black nothingness!! 

She just stared for a while. 

Then she sat down, crossed her legs and watched. The small lights were moving, all in the same direction but some seemed faster than others. And there were colors, swirling down in the corner. It was hard to tell if this nothingness was small or really really big. How far did it go? And if this was outside every window in the new place, where was Tasha? There were certainly no windows like this where she had been!

Girl really had been taken away from her place. Not that she missed it. 

*The cycle was coming to an end. Girl needed to get back to rooms. Back to Old Woman with what she had found. She was in a sewage tunnel, walking back under the streets to be safe. She saw the colored mark on the wall and knew the next hole in the top cover was hers. As she got near, she heard voices. Men voices! Girl stopped, stepped aside to the wall and squatted down into the darkness. She rubbed muddy life liquid from the ground on her face and arms to hide her. To not be seen. She closed her eyes and tried to quieten her breath. To not be heard. *

*The voices came closer. Girl hadn’t been caught yet. This cycle was not going to be that time. Holding the knife that was under her cloth, she breathed slowly. Slowly. The voices passed and got quiet till they disappeared.*

*Girl waited another few moments before exhaling. She had held her breath. Not this time. Slowly she got up and walked quickly, but quietly to her hole. She climbed up the scratchy ladder that hurt her feet and peaked out to the street above. No one. Good. Girl climbed out and started to the alley that led to her rooms. It was only a few more moments till she was climbing through the broken wall and up the crumbling steps to where Old Woman would be waiting.*

*Girl looked around. No one. Then rapped lightly on the door. One. One. Two raps. One rap. That way Old Woman would know it was Girl. *

*The lock creaked and the door opened. A gnarled old hand reached out and grabbed Girl’s arm, yanking her inside. *

*”Where you be, Girl? You eat what you found before gettin back?”*

*Girl’s arm hurt from being pulled but she could not show it. She’d get a slap. “No.” She didn’t talk much. It didn’t make a difference if she did. She didn’t have a say. Girl just held up the dirty cloth bag of what she had found, holding it out for Old Woman to take. She hoped she would get some food too. Maybe she should have eaten some before coming back.*

*”Hmph, well there be weight to this here bag. Let’s see what you brung.*

*Old Woman went to the old table and dumped the contents out, sifting through it. “Where me knife? You loose it?”*

*”No.” And she put the old knife on the table.*

*”Girl did somethink right.”*

*Old Woman ate something the girl had found. Girl’s stomach rumbled loudly. “Why you complainin? Think I no take care o you?*

*Girl didn’t reply, just hung her head, hoping for some of the little food she found. She used the top of her cloth to wipe some of the dirt from her face. It was drying and getting hard. She wondered if there was any life liquid to clean the sewer mud off.*

*”Here, girl, have this,” and Old Woman handed her an old piece of bread and fruit. Girl nodded to show she was happy with that and went to sit on the pile of flat paper boxes that was her resting place. The bread was too hard for her to bite into but she tried. She thought she was going to break her teeth! The fruit was mushy so she smeared that on the bread to soften it up.*

*Sitting down, Girl realized how tired she was. She could easily close her eyes. She’d been looking and hiding all cycle and all she found was inside that old cloth bag. Not much. She had found a small pool of dirty life liquid and managed to drink some. It was hard and yucky but she had been thirsty.*

*”Girl, me back is hurtin and tired. I will sleep first.” Old Woman turned to Girl on her paper box. She didn’t notice her eyes had been closing but Old Woman did. And slapped her. Hard across the head.*

*Girl’s eyes snapped open and she fell to the side from the force. Her eyes stung.*

*”Ya hear me, Girl?!”*

*”Yes.”*

That had been so many many many many cycles ago, before Old Woman had died. Tasha had been only a little girl. And not Tasha then. She touched her head where she had been slapped. It didn’t hurt. It was clean and soft now. Why did she see that inside her head? Why now? 

Doctor wasn’t like that. She didn’t even ask anything from girl. Girl didn’t know what Doctor wanted. And Doctor was much stronger than Old Woman. So much stronger. 

Her eyes stung. And were wet. Why?

She was still staring out into black nothingness. That was why. Tasha turned her head away. Turned her body away. She stood up and walked back to her hide. Placing a hand on top, she thought about hiding, safe and warm. Explore later. She was tired. She was sad.

But sad about what? 

Her life liquid felt low again. Like she was leaking out. Tired and low. So she bent down and climbed under to curl up in all the soft things she had and got comfortable. 

Comfortable like she had never been before. 

She was so tired. 

So much had happened. So much had changed. And the girl didn’t understand what or why. 

Tasha fell asleep.


	36. Safe, Not Annoyed

A hand. 

A man hand. 

Grabbed her around her neck. 

Girl jolted awake. 

Tasha sat up. Her head hit the underside of the table. Ah! She remembered where she was. 

Girl fell back. Back into her soft things. Her head hurt. But..... How nice it was to have these soft things. So she curled her body up on her side, bringing the top cover close around her. Breathing in the fresh clean scent of all of it. Tucking herself up as small as she could and breathing out, she held her breath. 

When she breathed in, she stretched her arms and legs out as far as she could, taking up all the space in her new hide. Feeling. Feeling. 

Feeling. 

No pain.

Then she listened. 

Nothing. 

So the girl pushed her covers from her and climbed out. Out from under her hide. And stood. To face whatever was there. 

Room was still in dark cycle. 

Ah. And oh. 

Tasha was in Doctor's rooms. And Doctor was asleep. Tasha didn’t know when the cycle ended to wake up. So she moved her covers back to her platform, looked around. It was dark but she had her light. 

Where to go? What to do?

How long did she have?

She realized she had to pee. The pee room was other side of Doctor so she couldn’t go to it till Doctor allowed. So she just stayed in the room. In the center. 

Girl was good at waiting. She stood on her bad foot to keep herself awake. And alert. 

Luckily, it didn’t take long. 

Doctor moved off of her platform and walked out into girl’s room. 

"Good morning, Tasha."

That was what Doctor said when it was the start of a new cycle but girl had to pee. So she ran. Ran past Doctor. 

Tasha ran to the pee room and used it! Ah! Will every cycle be like this? Wait till Doctor was up before getting to pee? Finished, she rinsed her hands in the small vessel because she could and ran back to her room. She didn’t want to get in trouble. Doctor was standing there still, with her up turned mouth. Standing in her dark fire colored bed cloth. Same as Girl’s top cloth. Tasha stood tall. 

"Did you blah blah I was up. You blah have to."

Ah, Girl didn’t understand everything. She didn’t do anything wrong so she lifted her shoulders. 

Thirsty. She was thirsty so she pointed to the empty vessel and said, "Wa-Der."

"Tasha, do you want water?"

"Yeth, pleathe." Be nice, girl.

"Ok. Come over here. Blah show you how to use the blah."

Doctor spoke long and used a big strange word. Tasha stared at her mouth, waiting for her to talk more. Maybe girl should have listened to her PADD in dark cycle to learn more. Then Doctor touched her. 

She froze. 

Doctor had put her hand on Tasha's back, pushing her. Why was she touching the girl? Unsure what to do, Tasha tried not to move at first, then slowly and Doctor took her hand away, walking to the wall by the big table. She wants the girl to follow. Ah, so she followed the woman, stopping by the seat she had sat in last cycle. Hmm, start of cycle, fresh vessel. Sometimes Old Woman would give little girl food at the start of cycle, when the light was coming up. Before starting to teach her how to survive the streets. 

"So,"

Ah! Doctor was talking! Tasha looked at her, watching her mouth. Maybe Doctor was going to teach her too. 

"You blah just ask the blah for what you want. Listen." Doctor turned to a big black hole in the wall. It had lights around it and on the top inside. How did girl not see this when exploring during dark cycle? Then Doctor talked to it! Talked to the wall!!

"A cup of water."

Why would Doctor do that? 

The hole in the wall lit up, glowing, a whizzing sound and a vessel appeared. 

A vessel appeared from no where!

And it was real!! Doctor picked it up with her hands. How did that happen? Things don’t just appear from no where? Things come from somewhere! Girl knew that. She always had to look hard to find them. But they were there already. Not just appearing for her to find. Is this a trick? Is this real? Is Girl still resting with her eyes closed and seeing in her head?

"Tasha? Tasha?"

Rap. Rap on her shoulder. Like when she wanted back in the rooms. 

Ah! Doctor! "What this?" She asked but in her voice, forgetting to speak new Doctor's words. 

"It’s a replicator , Tasha. It will blah blah you want to eat or blah. Try it."

That was the big strange word Doctor had said. She said it more than once. Must be important. Can Girl speak it? She had to try, to show Doctor. 

"Rep plee caa dor." 

It was hard. That would be a lot of symbols in Doctor's paper pack. But Doctor turned her mouth up so she must have said it right. 

"Very good. Now ask for water."

Ask? Water? What? Did Doctor want Tasha to talk to hole in wall? Oh-Kay, Oh-Kay. She stepped to it, staring at it. It was still, dark with top light on. Be nice, girl. 

"Wad-der pleathe."

Nothing happened. 

"Wad-der pleathe."

The hole stayed quiet. Nothing happened!

Was Tasha speaking wrong? She was being nice, saying please. She didn’t have to be nice. It was just a stupid hole in the wall. And it’s supposed to make her life liquid! So she shouted at it, "WAD-DER! WAD-DER!!"

Still nothing. Maybe it was girl who was stupid. Useless. She was useless. That’s what Old Woman would say. 

*"That all ya brut, Girl? Ya not see good enuf? Are ya stupid, Girl? Useless you."*

A soft touch. 

Tasha came back to herself. Doctor had put her hand on her shoulder. Soft and warm. "Maybe it blah blah blah blah, Tasha."

Her head was hot and her eyes were starting to leak. She couldn’t understand Doctor. And she was thirsty. Her stomach was hurting. Her chest was tightening. Breathing was hard. She felt like she was spinning. Spinning and loosing control. Doctor's hand was still softly on her shoulder. She looked up at the big woman, whose eyes were nice. "No wad-der?"

"Just a minute," and Doctor rubbed her shoulder. Nicely. Gently. It felt good. "Computer." Doctor was talking to the hole. Was that the hole's name? "Blah blah word for water blah blah by Tasha." Ah, she was now talking to Girl, softly. "Say it again, Tasha."

Tasha felt stupid for getting low and wiped the life liquid from her eyes. At least Doctor was nice. She nodded at Doctor, so she knew she was listening and looked at the hole, again. "Wad-der pleathe."

And the hole talked back!! 

It sounded like Tasha's PADD! A woman voice! 

"Blah wad-der to blah water."

And then the hole lit up, whizzing and a vessel appeared. From no where! It happened two times so it must be real. Tasha reached for it and it was. It was real. The vessel was cool in her hand and it was full of life liquid. Full of water. She drank it then looked at the hole, be nice, "Tank you."

Tasha walked away. There were so many unbelievable things here. Holes that made life liquid. Windows with black nothingness. Doors that swooshed open by touching black spots. Big vessels that spewed out more life liquid than the girl had ever seen. Only the sky ever did that. And sometimes the life liquid that fell was hard and hurt you. Tasha had wandered around, touching what she was thinking of, without paying attention, reciting her sound symbols from her PADD whilst lost in thought. 

Not paying attention. 

Ah! She stopped. 

Another person is here. Tasha was in Doctor’s resting room. And there was another person! She dropped her vessel, reached for her flash light, and shouted, "Doc-Tor!!!!" 

Warn Doctor!

As she reached for her flash light, she saw this person do the same thing. The same movement. Does she have a flash light too? AH!! She was a girl, like Tasha. Small. With short head. Tasha stared at her. Hard. Mean. And the girl stared back. Hard. Mean. 

What??

Tasha lifted her arm. The girl did the same thing. She lifted her other arm. 

And the girl did the same thing!! 

WHAT??

Doctor finally came in!!! Did she not hear Tasha's shout?? Was she not worried about another girl being here? 

Wait? 

Maybe Doctor had more girls? More than just Tasha?

She looked up at Doctor. Who was calm. Huh? Doctor looked at both Tasha and the other girl, "That's you, Tasha."

What?

She listened to the words. She thought about them. *That’s you Tasha.* Was that her? Was she looking at herself? How?

She looked back at the girl. "Tatha?" Other Girl moved her mouth too, but no sound. She leant in to the girl, who leant in to her. Tasha made a really mean face. Girl made a face too. Oh. Was that mean? How? Tasha sat down, crossed her legs and scooted really close so her knees were touching the other girl's knees. That girl's knees were cold. 

It was her. It was Tasha. 

Oh. 

Tasha had never seen herself so clearly before. Only in broken windows or bits of life liquid puddles if it wasn’t too dirty. 

Doctor was standing next to her and she saw that there was another Doctor. And another of everything that was behind! Another unbelievable thing in Doctor's rooms! Tasha stared up at Doctor then looked back at herself. 

Tasha touched her short soft head. She looked at it. It was light color. Very light. Like Doctor's! She has Doctor's head and gang cloth color!

"Doc-tor," and she tugged the woman's resting cloth. Doctor sat on the floor beside her. Tasha liked that Doctor wasn’t afraid of sitting with the girl, especially as she had nice soft seats to sit on. Doctor was close. Being bold, Tasha pulled at her short soft head and then reached out and touched Doctor's head, gently. Well, Doctor touched Tasha sometimes. 

"My head is like yours," she said her her voice.

"Yes. We both blah blah the same color hair." Doctor's mouth turned up and she did a small body rumble. "We also both blah blue blah."

Doctor made big eyes and leaned towards the Other Tasha. Tasha saw other Doctor do that and looked back at her. At her eyes. Then back at Doctor, who was still making big eyes. Tasha looked closely at her eyes. Her other eyes. They were Doctor's cloth color. The same as Doctor's eyes!

"Aahh. What?" She asked, using Doctor's voice. 

"Blue eyes, Tasha."

"Bloo eyeth," she repeated carefully. Was that the color? "Bloo eyeth."

When she said that, she saw her mouth. Saw her missing teeth. Looking at herself, she touched her inside mouth where her teeth had been. It was wet and hurt when she touched. She couldn’t eat food there anymore. Opening her mouth up, she touched her teeth at the back. Doctor had cleaned them last cycle. Tasha looked at Doctor and pointed to her mouth. Big Woman did her crooked mouth thing but showed all of her teeth. Her bright, clean teeth. She had all of them. Tasha turned back to her self and tried to make the same face but she had no teeth at the front. She looked bad. Bad and broken. She didn’t like what she saw. "Blah!"

"No, Tasha. There is nothing wrong with you." Doctor spoke slowly but Tasha didn’t understand the words. Woman then rubbed her hand through Tasha's short soft head. Why Doctor want broken girl? She wiggled away from her touch. She didn’t deserve it. And looked back at herself. 

"Come on. Blah blah blah blah blah."

But Tasha wasn’t listening. What did her body look like? Her bottom cloth was short so she could see her legs. They were skinny with lots of marks. Her top cloth had short sides and she looked at her arms. They were skinny too. She saw rough spots on her skin, and marks. Ah where she had been cut. She pulled up her top cloth to see her stomach. Her chest. 

"Blah blah blah blah, Tasha," Doctor said as she walked into pee room. 

Tasha saw herself properly for the first time. Her stomach had lots of marks. Must be from when boy gang caught her that first time. She had been leaking fire colored life liquid. Her mark on her chest was there. But her chest was hard and flat. Not like Doctor's, whose had been soft when she had leant her head on her. Why wasn’t she like Doctor? Was it because Doctor was a woman and she was only a girl? Tasha wanted to be a woman. 

She heard Doctor using the pee room and stood up. It was weird because Other Tasha stood too. She put her hand on Other Tasha's hand. It was cold. She was glad she met her. And not, because she saw what she really looks like. Tasha thought she would look more later. Now she wanted to get under falling life liquid to keep clean. Feel clean. Clean so Doctor would keep liking her. 

Standing at the open door, she saw Doctor at the pee vessel. She should ask first. Make sure it’s Oh-Kay. What was it called?

"ONOFF? ONOFF?"

"You want to shower? OK but go blah blah blah blah blah clothes first."

Oh-Kay. Doctor said it was Oh-Kay. And Tasha knew how to do it herself! She walked to the big vessel and touched the black spot, saying "ON," just a little too loudly. Water fell from above and she could hardly wait to get under it, stepping over the side. She could feel it already!

"Clothes, Tasha!" 

Doctor shouted. Ah!! That’s important! What? Cloth? 

"OH!"

She still had cloth on! Stupid girl. She quickly pulled her cloth off, hiding her flash light nearby and climbed in. Ah!! It was as wonderful as the first time. She splashed it at her face, looked up into it, blinking her eyes and opening her mouth, letting it fill up. She spat it out because she wasn’t supposed to drink it here. The weird hole in wall made the drinking life liquid. Getting some of the thick liquid, she rubbed herself clean even though there was no dirt. It smelled so nice. AH! She rubbed it on her head and everywhere. Ah! She turned around and around, and around, letting the water rinse her off, enjoying the pattering it made on her skin. She could stay here all cycle. But she couldn’t. Doctor may get angry. She touched the black spot.

"OFF!"

Tasha pulled the flimsy hanging cloth back, saw her cloth was gone from the ground. "Ah." She looked around and saw the big soft cloth on the table so she grabbed it. She wrapped it around herself like Doctor had, wiping up water and smelled it. Ah, fresh. She pulled it over her head, liking the feeling. Then she noticed her clean cloth. 

"Ah," she dropped the big cloth and reached for it, climbing out of the vessel and putting it on. She stopped. Looking back, she picked up the big cloth and put it over the side of the big vessel. She didn’t want Doctor to think she was stupid. This was the first time she was alone in the pee room when not peeing. So what did she have to do next? Ah! Clean mouth. She moved to the small vessel, picked up the tooth brush Doctor had said was hers and passed it under the thing that put out very thick stuff. Bringing the tooth brush to her mouth, she saw there was another Tasha there too. 

Startled, she jumped back but stayed quiet. Old Woman had taught her well but it was only the Other Tasha so both of them opened their mouths and began passing the flimsy things on the end of the toothbrush around inside. Focusing on what Doctor had done, Tasha closed her eyes and carefully cleaned her mouth. It hurt a little so she did it more gently, moving the tooth brush around her inside mouth. When she did it right, it felt so nice. So she just kept her eyes closed and felt what she was doing. 

Then she was done. She opened her eyes and saw Other Tasha. Ah. She had white froth stuff in her mouth. Made Tasha feel light so she turned the falling water on and rinsed her mouth out like Doctor showed her. But having such clean, fresh life liquid in her mouth was too much to ignore and she started drinking it. She was thirsty. She was hungry. And here it was, rushing out into a vessel. She couldn’t waste it. 

“Tasha!!” 

Ah, Doctor heard her. 

“Do not drink blah blah blah bathroom blah.”

One last drink then Tasha stood quickly as Doctor walked into the pee room. They looked at each other. Tasha couldn’t talk. She had water in her mouth so she gulped it down. It wasn’t like she could waste it. “Oh-Kay,” she said to let Doctor know she heard her. And as she was done in here, walked out. 

She walked through Doctor’s resting room into her room. Her platform had been straightened out. Her soft things stretched flat. And the cloth she had rested in on her soft thing. 

Ah!!! 

She left her flash light hidden in pee room. She hoped Doctor wouldn’t find it. But then Doctor never took it from her before. She would have to go get it but not now. She could hear doctor using the ONOFF thing. 

Oh-Kay. She was clean. She was dressed in clean cloth. Her top cloth wasn’t Doctor’s color but she had picked it for girl. So that was OK. What was she to do? 

Ah!! PADD!! Learn Doctor talk. Tasha went to her layered platform and found her PADD there. She picked it up, turned it in on, walked about, listening to it, repeating it, following the symbols with her finger. Then she noticed a new vessel of life liquid on the eating table, where her puzzle was. Doctor must have left it for her.

Ah! She picked it up drinking from it. What was Doctor on? It tasted just like water from vessel in pee room. Maybe Doctor didn’t like drinking in pee room. Maybe because she thought that was water that you had already drank! Strange woman, Doctor was if that was the case. Don’t be afraid of life liquid in any form. But Tasha hadn’t drunk pee. She knew pee room water from pee. She did have taste. Even Old Woman didn’t drink pee. She learned that from her. So she held her water vessel and her PADD, walking around, learning and being filled. Tasha felt good. She felt light and floaty. 

She felt bold. And strong. She was a part of Doctor’s gang. 

Doctor walked back in. In her gang color cloth. Ah! She means business. She is now in charge. Powerful. 

“So, Tasha, what do blah blah blah blah?”

A question. 

Hmmm, what did she say? 

What could she be asking now?? 

Just a little scared. She can’t fail. 

So Tasha lifted her shoulders and looked at Doctor. She didn’t know. Tasha stopped in the middle of the room, holding her vessel away from her mouth. Lowering her PADD to see Doctor. 

Doctor walked to the hole in the wall and talked to it. “Coffee. And scrambled eggs on rye toast.” And the hole lit up, whizzed and a vessel and a flat vessel appeared. From no where!!! Tasha stared. Doctor put them on the table. 

“Tasha, come here and see if blah you blah blah.”

It was food. Solid food. Tasha looked at it from where she was. Doctor seemed to want her to come over. She remembered last time she took food from someone. 

*Hey, little girl. You look hungry. You want food? Come here, I have some for you.*

Tasha knew she didn’t like how she payed for that food. She sniffed Doctor’s food from where she was and didn’t move. She knew Doctor was different but she wasn’t ready to go there yet. 

“Tasha, come here.”

Doctor was very serious. Girl better listen or she may get hurt now. So she walked over but showed she didn’t want to by dragging her feet. Would Doctor hurt her? She hoped not. She wanted Doctor to be as nice as she seemed. She put her empty vessel down on the eating table, hard. A little too hard. 

Keeping her PADD in her bad hand, just in case as she could use it as a weapon, she looked at Doctor’s food, smelled it and OH! What is that? It smelled nice but she couldn’t let Doctor know that yet so she made a face and just said, “Blah!” That had let her out of eating the cloudy smelly soup stuff. 

“No.” 

She backed away. She was not going to accept food. Yet. She had to be sure she would not have to pay. 

“No.” 

But Doctor just looked at her, kind of low like, with no up turned mouth and went back to the hole in the wall, talking to it. Tasha was confused. Did she not care girl said no to what she offered? What she had? 

Another vessel was placed in front of the girl. Tasha looked at it. Looked inside it. Dipped a finger in it and tasted it. Liquid food. Ah! Doctor gave her liquid food because she liked it! And nothing had to happen after. Tasha grabbed it and drank it down. Her body was hungry. She needed that. Getting all of the thick liquid, she had to wipe her hand across her mouth, licking the back of it. It was good. 

“Tank you,” she said to be nice. Doctor was teaching her to be nice. 

Doctor looked at her and turned her mouth up. Ah! Tasha did good. Doctor said, "THank you, Tasha. And you’re welcome.” And Big Woman sat and ate her smelly food. But good smelly food.

Tasha looked at her for a moment then lifted her PADD and continued on learning. She repeated what the PADD woman said, walking around. She wasn’t paying attention and tripped on her bad foot. Stupid foot. But she wanted to talk to Doctor so kept learning. And kept walking. 

She felt restless. 

But kept walking.


	37. Depressed and Safe

The covered alleys here were a lot busier than in her place. So many people. And not enough dark spots to hide. 

Doctor wanted to leave her rooms and she wanted Tasha to go with her. The girl was scared but she didn’t show that to Doctor. She kept her head down, her eyes up and stayed very quiet. Like Old Woman had taught her: be invisible. She tried to use Doctor as her moving hide, staying on the other side of her when people came. It was good because Doctor walked in the middle and made people go around her. 

She was so strong!

Doctor wasn’t the biggest but the others seem to obey her without her having to talk a word. Tasha wanted to be like that. They had to wait for a door to open and Tasha was standing beside Doctor. She looked up at Big Woman and saw she held her eyes to the front. Unafraid. Strong. Suddenly, she looked down at the girl and turned her mouth up at her. Her eyes squishing. Tasha felt warm and tried to do that face, opening her mouth but she didn’t know what to move. And she could feel her eyes widen, not squish closed. She felt she did it wrong but Doctor turned her mouth up more, and said really quietly, just loud enough for only Tasha, "Come on, Tasha."

The door finally opened and it was the little room that moved. 

It scared Tasha, but she felt bold from Doctor's look so she peaked inside. It was empty so she walked in first and turned to Doctor behind her. 

"Good girl, Tasha," Doctor said to her, nodding, then to the wall, "Sick Bay."

Tasha was ready. The room moved. She felt her stomach move. The floor below her feet buzzed. Doctor stood strong. Tasha tried to look strong but she was shaking inside. She could feel her head start to spin and her breath was getting away from her. The girl was just about to curl up when she felt Doctor move closer. She didn’t touch Tasha but she could feel the woman's warmth and it was good. Tasha leant back just a little and felt her back touch Doctor's front. The soft warmth stilled the spinning in her head and loosened her chest. She took a big breath in and held it, focusing on the small touch she had from Doctor. 

Then the small room's door opened and the alley outside was loud and busy. 

Tasha stiffened and froze. How was she going to get through there safely? But Doctor stepped around and in front of the girl, slowing so she could get behind to follow. Ah! Doctor is letting Girl hide behind her! Smart Doctor! Pushing her fear down, Tasha latched onto the woman's moving shadow and before she knew it, they were walking into the big room where she had been for some cycles. 

There was only Mar-ee and Jes-sica inside. Tasha relaxed. 

"Hello, Tasha."

"Hey, Tasha."

They talked start of cycle words. She had her PADD in her hands, holding it close to her cloth where her flash light was hidden. Be nice, Girl, remember Doctor is teaching you to be nice. 

"Mar-ee. Jeth-thica," she said slowly, trying to speak their names right. 

"What’s that Blah Blah Blah?" Mary stepped towards Tasha, pointing to her PADD. 

Tasha instinctively wrapped her arms around her PADD, tighter. She wasn’t going to give it up. Mar-ee asked what it was. Tasha knows those words. How does Mar-ee not know what PADD was? Maybe Doctor never gave her one. Tasha looked up at Doctor to see what to do. 

Doctor looked nicely at the girl, "It’s OK, Tasha."

Ah, Oh-Kay. Tasha could tell Mar-ee, who was looking at her with big eyes and her own upturned mouth. The girl stepped back so when she held up the PADD, there was space between them, saying, "Tathath PADD."

Mar-ee stayed put and looked interested in it, saying, "What are you learning, Tasha?"

Tasha thought of the words Mar-ee said. What. Learn. She was learning symbol sounds but Tasha didn’t know the word for those so she looked up and thought of what she had remembered already. 

"Aae, bee, thee, dee, eee, ef, gee, aitch, iiee, jaaee, kaay, ell, emm, enn, ooh, peee, que, are, eth, dee, you, thee, dubblyou, exth, why, thee."

She spoke very slowly and carefully to get each sound right. She wanted Doctor to see she was smart. 

Mar-ee seemed to jump in place, slapping her hands together, with her mouth turned up big. "Wow, Tasha, that’s blah."

Tasha didn’t know what Mar-ee was doing and looked at her hard. She remembered what Doctor had said to her when she was learning how to use the PADD, "Tatha clever."

"Yes, Tasha, you certainly are," Doctor raised her mouth at Girl and left to go to her room here. 

Standing in the middle of the big room, Tasha felt both Mar-ee and Jes-sica stare at her. She stared back, not knowing what to do. She saw her room, the door open and thought she was supposed to go back there but Tasha didn’t want to return there. She wanted to stay with Doctor in her rooms, with soft ground, sky water and hole in wall. She looked at the two woman again and walked around them in a big arch towards Doctor's room. 

The girl stood at the door, watching. Doctor was standing at her table, looking at the thing in the middle. The thing that turned. She didn’t see Girl. Tasha walked in, right up to Doctor. She still didn’t see girl. 

"Doc-Tor?

Doctor jumped, "Oh, Tasha. Why blah you sit here blah blah blah your PADD?"

And she pushed her soft seat out and spun it towards the girl. AH! Doctor is giving Girl her nice seat. Tasha moved over to it, sat in it and, feeling bold, stretched her legs out, putting her feet on Doctor's table to lay her PADD on her legs. It was nice to sit in. She looked to Doctor for her reaction. 

Doctor just turned her mouth up, shaking her head. She picked up her own PADD and walked out. Walked away from Girl. Again. 

Why? 

Tasha sat there, very still. Why didn’t Doctor want to be with her? 

Maybe she’ll come back so Tasha stayed in the soft seat, turned her PADD on and began learning. 

But she was distracted. 

She kept looking to the door. Looking for Doctor. 

There was no way for her to tell how much of the cycle was passing, there was no colored sky. Eventually, the girl stood up, leaving her PADD on Doctor's table and went to the door. She looked out and saw people she didn’t know. Including two men. Tasha backed back in. She walked around the room, sliding her hand on the top of stuff. She went back to the table and moved the thing stuck down, turning it to her. She pushed the buttons and saw symbols! 

Ah! She recognized them. From following them with her finger. Pee. Eee. Are. Eth. Ooh. Enn. Aae. Ell. So many symbols. And Tasha figured they must make up Doctor's words. So she needs to learn these better. 

Tasha picked her PADD up and looked around. She needed a place to hide, to be safe while she learned. There were men outside this room so she had to be careful. Tasha didn’t see Doctor out there. 

Under the table. There was good space where nice seat pushes in. And only Doctor sits there. Tasha moved around there and climbed under. The floor was harder than in Doctor's room and hurt her bottom. She wondered if her soft covers and soft things were still in her old hide on the other side of big room. She could sneak across and get them. 

No! Girl was getting soft! She never needed things to make hiding comfortable. That made her stupid. Made her not pay attention. No. Tasha scooted around till she felt she was comfortable as she could get. She turned her PADD on and listened to the woman voice. 

For a while she forgot about being left alone. Lost in the sounds of a strange voice, trying to understand. 

But she was getting cold. And as she got cold, she couldn’t concentrate. And when she couldn’t concentrate, her thoughts would float around. 

She peered out. It was still light cycle. And she couldn’t see Doctor. 

Doctor hadn’t come back. Where was she? Why did she leave Girl? Why?

Did Girl not clean good enough? Did she do something wrong? 

Tasha remembered being left before. Not who left her but remembered standing on the street, all by herself, holding only a little cloth person. Her eyes leaking. Her chest hurting. Her body shaking from rough breathes. A feeling of being forgotten and thrown away. Then Old Woman took her. Grabbed her and took her in. For many cycles she lived with Old Woman. But then Old Woman stopped breathing. Stopped seeing. And Tasha had to run. Had to leave where she had stayed with her. 

And she was alone. Again. Her chest hurt each dark cycle but she had to search for food then. Light cycle she hid as she was all by herself so she had to hide. And she realized she missed Old Woman. Her occasional warmth when they would huddle together. Her sound when she would talk on and on. Her orders, to let Girl know what to do. Girl was tiny and growing and needed orders. But then Old Woman was just gone. 

And Girl was on her own. Alone. Again. 

But now she was Tasha. And she had been found by Doctor. Saved by Doctor. And her place had changed to something she could have never imagined. But Tasha never imagined anything different from what she knew. But now she knew other things existed. Amazing things. 

But she was sitting here under a table, hiding, like she used to do. In her place. Hide to stay safe. Hide to rest. Hide to eat food. Hide. Hide. Hide. 

Doctor still didn’t come back. 

Was she ever going to come back? 

Tasha started to worry. Her heart was beating a little bit faster. Her thoughts were getting darker. She was starting to think mean thoughts. She wasn’t good enough. She was stupid. She was a dirty girl and should be sent back to filthy alleys and left on her own. Why would Doctor, with all of her strength, her amazing things, her big gang, need a little skinny ugly girl? What did she have to offer? She should just be left on her own. Forever. 

Her fingers were turning white with how hard she was gripping her PADD. She was staring a hole in it. The light from it reflecting off her eyes. Getting darker and darker. 

"Tasha?"

"Doc-tor." 

Doctor was looking under at her. Her eyes turned up, her mouth straight. "Do you want to blah blah?"

Tasha was caught in her dark place. She didn’t deserve Doctor so just stared at her, mean. 

Doctor held her hand out. Why? Girl does not need help. Doesn’t deserve it. She touched the woman’s fingers to say move them. When they did, she crawled out and stood up, looking up at Doctor, mean. Trying to push her away. Waiting. 

"Doc-Tor."

"Tasha."

Tasha was waiting for Doctor to leave. To tell her she’s being sent back. Back to filthy place. So she stared at her. She held her flash light and PADD tight. She was going to fight to keep them. Especially the flash light. 

Doctor just looked at her. Nicely. Almost sad. And Tasha thought why fight what might happen, lifted her shoulders to give up, and hid her things under her cloth. She wasn’t going to fight Doctor. 

"Are you ready to blah blah to our room, Tasha?" 

Tasha didn’t really understand what Doctor said but it sounded like she was going somewhere. Her chest hurt. So she breathed in and out, dropping her head to try to release it. Did Doctor ask her if she wants to go? Can she say no? No, Girl couldn’t say no so she shook her head but said, "Oh- Kay."

And still, Doctor just looked at her. Nicely. Why did she keep doing that? Girl was being mean!

"How about lunch, Tasha?"

"Luncha?" Tasha thought hard. That sounded familiar but from where. "Eat?" 

"Yes, Tasha, let's go eat lunch."

Why would eating make Tasha feel better? Better to just get on and tell her to go. Send her back. But she shrugged. 

"Great. Let’s go," Doctor talked with energy, turning her mouth up. Is she OK with Tasha going back? Yes, she wants to get rid of dirty girl. Tasha slumped her shoulders. 

Doctor was still hopping, buzzing with energy, "Come on, Tasha, lunch won’t come to you." She was at the door. 

Lunch? Tasha? The hole in the wall will make it. Doctor can’t fool Girl. So Tasha would tell her. "Rep-plee-ca-dor."

"Well OK. Maybe lunch blah come to you." 

Doctor did her loud body shake that Tasha wondered what it meant. "Come on, Tasha. Blah blah blah blah blah blah." Doctor was talking and waving her hand but Tasha wasn’t listening. She felt drained of life liquid. Tired. Her head was heavy. Her eyes were heavy. Why did she feel like this? She followed Doctor because she was being told to. 

But her chest hurt. So much. 

But Doctor was nice. She will take care of Tasha. She had too. 

Doctor stopped in big room. "Let’s do lunch later," she said and turned to Tasha’s old room. Doctor walked in. Tasha stayed at the door. 

Doctor was getting rid of her. Putting her back in locked room. On her own. 

The room was so bright it hurt her eyes. She wanted Doctor’s dark rooms. 

The ground was cold and hard. She wanted Doctor’s soft ground. 

The hide was flat and small. She wanted her hide under Doctor’s table. 

Tasha couldn’t breathe. She breathed faster. She wanted to run. But she couldn’t. Her mind swirled and was messy. All she could think of was...

"Tatha no thleep wit Doc-Tor?"

But she knew that already. Doctor was sending her back. She was a broken girl. Doctor would not want her. No point fighting. Girl would just get hurt so she walked to her hide, got down on the cold ground and climbed back under. Back to where she belonged. 

"Shit, no, Tasha." 

Doctor was there by her hide, talking. 

"No, Tasha, you’re not sleeping here blah. You sleep blah blah. Blah Doctor. Please don’t go blah."

Girl stopped. 

Half way hidden. A dangerous position. But she stopped. Doctor sounded nice. Saying Tasha, no and Doctor. 

So nice. 

And she wanted to believe her. With a big breath, Tasha pushed herself back out and sat. Sat on the cold hard floor. Her PADD was sticking into her chest, hurting her so she pulled it out and dropped it. Her body shuddered. So she laid down on her side, curled up and began to shake. 

She felt oh so dark. Like there was nothing for her. No where for her to go. No place for her in this life. She felt like she had fallen out the window into nothingness. 

Her body shook and life liquid came out of her eyes. She did little body jumps when she breathed and she just laid there feeling useless and unwanted. 

“Oh, Tasha. My sweet girl.”

Doctor’s voice. She had said that to Girl before. 

“Tasha, Tasha.”

Tasha liked hearing Doctor say her name. It was her. Tasha. She was Tasha. But it hurt. She kept squeezing her eyes shut and shook. 

“Look at me,” and something touched her shoulder. Gently. 

The girl opened her eyes. Doctor had laid down on the hard floor, next to the girl! She breathed in and her body did those little jumps. Her face was wet. And Doctor was looking closely at her, nicely. 

“See? I’m here. Doctor is here with you.” Doctor did little squeezes of the girl’s shoulder. That felt good. 

Doctor was still here. Tasha nodded and fell on to her back. She stretched her legs and arms out, closing her eyes. She had never made a sound but something welled up inside her. Something that was going to make her explode if she didn’t let it out. Hurt. Pain. 

Loneliness. 

Tasha cried out loud. 

Then she sat up when it was done. Wiped her nose cause it was leaking. 

Doctor sat up. “Feel better?” 

Feel? 

“No feel good,” Tasha said. And she didn’t. She felt tired. She wanted to close her eyes forever. And never wake up. 

So she stood up. Grabbed her PADD and dropped it in the platform. She had put together her puzzles on this platform, she thought, running her hand across it. 

“Hop on the bed, Tasha,” and Doctor patted the platform. That usually meant to come here or get on, so Tasha climbed up onto it. She didn’t have the strength to fight Doctor. She slumped forward, feeling lifeless. 

She hadn’t felt like this for many cycles. Tasha could remember a few times when she felt like this and she had found such a good hiding place that she stayed there for cycles, not coming out. Not coming out for anything. Not food. Not life liquid. Not even to pee. She had felt so useless she could not even move to pee. 

Doctor was talking to her but she wasn’t listening. She passed something under Tasha’s downward view. 

“Tasha, what’s this?”

Without thinking, Tasha replied, “Thcanner.” 

“Scanner, that’s right. What’s this?” Doctor held up a folding box. Like the one Tasha had hidden in her hide. But this one was making noise and lit up. 

“Not Tathath,” she said with little interest. She was being sent back to her dirty place so she wouldn’t even have a folding box. Why should she care. 

“What do you mean not yours, Tasha?” 

Ah. Doctor still talking to her. She’s still holding the folding box. She wants the other one back. It’s broke, anyway. Like Girl. So Tasha slid off the bed, remembering how much her bad foot hurt when she landed and went back to her hide. The hide she had been so proud to have made. And crawled under. Crawled all the way back to the wall. 

First she noticed the soft covers and soft things were gone. Then she saw the little things she had found when exploring were gone. All those vessels she had saved. Gone. Gone. 

Everything was gone. 

But, when she looked up under the table in the metal parts, ah, her folding box hadn’t been found. Lucky she had taken her scalpel with her. That was now hidden in her new platform. If she gets to go back to it. She felt dark again. 

All her stuff had been taken. Gone. Like she was going to be soon. 

So she wiggled her way back out with her folding box that didn’t make noise anymore. She gave it to Doctor who flipped it open and looked at it. 

“Whereth Tathath thtuff?” She asked Doctor, holding her hands out. 

“Your stuff? Oh it’s somewhere,” Doctor replied. 

Feeling like she had nothing to loose, she picked up the folding box that made noise, “Tathath,” and she pointed to the one Doctor was holding, “Doc-Torth.” 

That one was broken. Get rid of broken girl and get stuck with broken folding box, Tasha thought. 

“Hmm, OK, but that may change.” 

Doctor didn’t seem too bothered but Tasha just lifted her shoulders and hummed. She climbed back up onto the platform and hung her legs off. Hung her head. It felt so heavy. She just wanted Doctor to hurry up and send her back now. 

Tasha felt she could go to sleep and that would be all. 

Darkness and silence. 

Her PADD was put in her legs. Huh? 

Doctor. 

“Come on, Tasha, we’re going somewhere,” 

What?!?! 

Doctor looked like she wanted to get rid of Tasha. She kept trying to get the girl to go with her. Why? Just send her away! 

She was tired. So tired. 

“No. Tatha thleep.”

“No, blah for that blah. I want to blah you blah.”

Doctor was going to take her away herself?? She is boss. So Tasha put her PADD under her arm, Doctor was letting her keep it, and slid off of the platform. She saw the working folding box and grabbed that too. Why not? She looked to Doctor at the door. 

“Spit spot, Tasha, let’s get moving.” 

Doctor seemed like she wanted to get rid of girl quick. Jumping and waving. If girl had to go, she’d be slow. She looked at her platform, saw her soft cover was back on it and rubbed her hand across the soft cloth. She was going to miss it. Then she walked over to Doctor. Who lead her out of the big room back into the covered alleys. 

Ah! 

Get out of your head, girl! You don’t want to get in trouble. Get smashed!! 

Again, Doctor walked in the middle of the alleys with strength. Tasha circled around her to stay out of people’s way. Tried to keep her head up like Doctor. To look strong. She didn’t want to be pushed, spat at, or shouted at should she touch someone by accident. And she didn’t want to be noticed by men. Didn’t want to be smashed. 

Once in the little moving room, they seemed to move more than the other times. But when the door opened, it was quiet. With no people. Well not many. Tasha looked about. No one to hide from allowed her to see. To explore. She kept an eye on Doctor, who just turned her mouth up at the girl, but didn’t walk away. 

There were long black spots on the walls, like the small ones to open doors. Tasha touched them. They would light up and when she checked her fingers, they were clean. 

Everywhere so so clean! Whatever she touched, there was no dirt left in her fingers. 

She hadn’t been able to explore the alleys here yet. But now there weren’t any people, and she was with Doctor, she looked everywhere. She looked closely at the long black things and saw that there were sound symbols on them! Ah!! Like the signs she would follow in her alleys and streets. She needed to learn these. 

She felt her chest loosen. Her head lighten. 

There were doors all along the alleys. She found some opened when she stood in front of them. Weird. And some didn’t. So she started jumping in front to get a reaction or waved her arms about. It made her shake. It was nice. Doctor turned her mouth up at her. Nicely. 

Tasha was starting to feel better. Feel that maybe she wasn’t getting sent away. But Doctor was taking her a long way away from her hides. And she wouldn’t know how to get back. 

They arrived at a door and Doctor stopped. When Tasha finally joined her, the woman looked down at her, talking, “You ready, Tasha? Are you ready to see where you are?”

The girl looked up at Doctor, closely. She looked nice. She didn’t look like she was going to trick Tasha. And Tasha’s mood had been lifted by the journey. By getting to walk, move about and explore. She realized she missed getting out and seeing things. So she wanted to know where Doctor had brought her. Girl knew Doctor’s words for this so she asked, twisting her eyebrows unconsciously. 

“Whatth thith?” 

“Trust me, Tasha. You will be blah!” 

Doctor spoke but Tasha only understood a little. But because Big Woman seemed excited about this, it made Tasha want to see more. 

Then Doctor opened the door. The door into a very big room. Girl didn’t think she had ever seen such a big room before. Ever. And doctor just walked in. 

Startled, Tasha ran to catch up with the woman. She almost tripped as she was looking up at the cover that was so far away. She stopped when Doctor did. 

“Have a blah blah, Tasha. Blah be right back.” 

And Doctor walked away toward another door. Where was she going? Why was she leaving the girl standing in a very big room all by herself? She stared where Doctor disappeared. 

And stared. 

Then she thought, ah, and said aloud, “Be back.” 

Doctor said she would be back so girl was going to trust her. And this was a new place with no people and she wanted to see. So she turned around. 

First she noticed that there were large objects in this room. Larger than she had seen. She didn’t know what they were but walked by them, touching them. They seemed to be made of the same hard stuff everything else here was. And they were clean. She walked around them all, looking for anything interesting but didn’t find much. 

Ah. So she walked to the farthest one and crawled underneath. She thought she would use this time to learn. If she was getting a second chance from Doctor to stay, she needed to show she was worth it. Laying down on her back, she put her PADD and folding box down next to her. She looked at the bottom of the thing and thought how shiny it looked. So she took her flashlight and played with it against the surface, enjoying the shine and sparkle it made. 

“Tasha, blah blah blah please.”

Tasha turned her head up and saw Doctor on her knees looking under this big thing. 

“Doc-tor be back.” 

Just to check. 

“Yes, I’m back,” and Doctor did big body rumble. 

What was that??? Tasha still didn’t know what that reaction was! She’d never seen anyone react like that and it confused her. But Doctor was there and she though she had better come out. She put her PADD and folding box on her stomach and pushed herself out with her legs. When she was free, she picked up her things and stood, holding out her arms and asking Doctor, “Whatth thith?” 

Doctor looked at Girl, “Well, it’s a blah blah, Tasha, but blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Come.” And the woman flapped her hand for Tasha to follow. Where was she going? Was it safe? Tasha so much wanted to trust Doctor that she slowly followed her to these big big big doors!! They we’re huge. 

Tasha looked up at them and jumped. She waved her arms about trying to get them to open. Well that was how the doors here opened. But these stayed closed. 

Doctor did that funny body rumble again, loudly! “Blah, blah blah blah like blah, Tasha.” 

She didn’t understand. But she wanted to so she looked at Doctor, squeezed her eyes and said “No?”

“No, but blah blah blah blah.” And Doctor waved her hand and said, “Now, please.”

There was a loud rumble. And it wasn’t a Doctor body rumble. The big doors began to move. Tasha stumbled back, startled. Scared. 

But doctor stood strong next to her. So she didn’t go far. If Doctor was going to be taken out, so was she. 

But.....

But then....

Tasha saw on the other side of the door. It was big nothingness. Just like the window in the room she hid in. Just like the window in Doctor’s rooms. She dropped her PADD and folding box. 

She was drawn forward. 

“OH.”

She walked right up to the edge and reached out. Her fingers touched something. Something she couldn’t see. Something invisible. It shimmered the color of Doctor’s cloth and made her fingers tingle. “Oh.” Tasha touched the surface again, making it light up and circled her fingers around and then tried to do the symbols she was learning. She liked it but had never seen anything like this. Tasha looked back at Doctor, who was standing away from this invisible wall. 

“Whathth thith?” She asked. The big doors were still opening with a loud rumble and then stopped. The window was so big, Tasha couldn’t see all of it. She had to move her head from side to side and up and down to see it all.

Doctor seemed pleased and held her arms out saying, “This, Tasha, is space.”

“Thpace,” Tasha repeated it to remember it. But what is that? “Whatth thith?” 

Doctor then spoke lots. And spoke lots fast and she couldn’t understand. Just a little frustrated because she wanted to know, “Eh? No no.” 

“You don’t know? OK. Well let’s blah look at it, OK?”

“Look?”

She grabbed one word she heard to see if she could find out what it meant. One of Doctor’s words. 

“Look, Tasha, with our eyes,” and Doctor pointed at her eyes, and then pointed out. 

AH!! Tasha understood!! Look! Like watch. Then she remembered bloo eyes!! Bloo was the color. Eyes were the things they see with. She was so excited, learning more of Doctor’s words. 

“Ah, look!!!” Tasha shouted and walked right up to the unseeable blue thing. She sat before it. She wanted Doctor to see she wasn’t afraid of this. And she wanted Doctor to know she remembered space, “Tatha look thpathe,” she said, pointing behind herself, meaning the other rooms with windows. 

“Yes, you have seen space. Blah blah blah blah blah blah.” And Doctor sat on the cold hard floor beside Girl. And Doctor seemed like she still wanted to be with Girl. Did she read this wrong? Maybe she wasn’t being sent away?? Here she was, coming close to the girl and still talking to her. 

Tasha felt good. She felt bold. So she thought this was a time to learn. If Doctor was sitting with her, she must just want to help girl learn. So Tasha leant forward on her knees and looked out this big window into nothingness. What did she see?? 

What didn’t she see?? 

This wasn’t dark cycle sky. This was vast nothingness with so much color and light and blackness. Tasha started pointing out everything. Everything she saw. New. Old. She wanted to know. And Doctor answered. 

Doctor knew everything. Knew every answer. 

Or that was what Tasha believed. Doctor knew everything.


	38. Safely Unsettled

Tasha asked about everything she could see. 

And everything she thought she could see. 

But even though this window into nothingness was so big, she still ran out of questions. But she didn’t want this time with Doctor to end. A part of her was afraid if she stopped being useful, Doctor would get rid of her. 

But her questions ran out and she didn’t know what to do. Afraid, she thought she needed to look interested. So she laid down on her front, placed her head in her arms and kept looking out. Looking out into the big black nothingness. Doctor seemed to just stay too, sitting and watching. So Tasha waited. Afraid Doctor would get up and leave. 

Tasha was enjoying this time with Doctor, asking and listening. She liked hearing Doctor talk. Like how Doctor talked to her. Nice. Quiet. Liked how she called her Tasha. She wanted this to go on forever. She didn’t want to loose this. 

She looked back at Doctor. Doctor was looking at her. Nice. 

*Tell her, Girl. Tell her you like this. Tell her. Tell her!* 

But Tasha couldn’t. 

And she looked back out into the black nothingness again. It seemed so quiet. And calm. And empty. Tasha liked it. She would be safe out there. 

She shivered. 

Ah! Tasha felt cold. She had been sitting outside of her hide for too long and felt cold. She crossed her feet and moved them again. Still cold. Ah. She sat up. To long from her hide. But she looked around and remembered she wasn’t always hiding here. She was in a new place. 

She picked up her PADD and folding box and placed them on her legs. Her stomach rumbled. She was hungry too. She looked up. She saw Doctor sitting next to her on the hard cold ground. 

Doctor. 

Girl felt she could ask. Ask as she was hungry. 

“Tatha want wader.” 

Old Woman would have hit her if she said that. 

“OK, Tasha. Let’s go home.”

Home?? That was all Doctor said??

“OH-Kay.”

What was home?

And Doctor stood up and went to the door. Tasha just followed, amazed. She wasn’t being punished for being hungry or for giving up their spot. Or for having to leave their hide. 

Doctor walked out the very big room without looking first. Strong. Straight. Unafraid. 

Tasha was in awe. 

“Tank you.”

It just popped out. Be nice. Doctor is teaching her to be nice. 

Doctor stopped. Stopped for Tasha. 

“Why blah blah thanking me, Tasha?”

Tasha listened but didn’t understand it all. She knew Doctor asked her a question but wasn’t sure what. Maybe about why Tasha said thank you. She thought she’d jump with that. 

“Thank you, Doc-Tor, make Tatha feel thafe.” 

She replied slowly. And carefully. Thinking of the Doctor’s words she knew. But Tasha kept walking to cover up any mistakes. 

Doctor kept up and said something Tasha didn’t hear. She walked along not looking. She touched the long black boards on the walls of the alleys , amazed her hands weren’t getting dirty. Looking at the symbols that lit up with her touch. She hoped to be able to speak them soon. She touched them all the way to the doors they had to wait for. Tasha knew now that these were the doors to the little moving room she didn’t like. But she had to get in. Get in with Doctor to go to other rooms. 

When the little room arrived, it was empty. She knew that because she checked first, then walked in. Doctor was still with her. And she expected the movement so she was able to breathe through it. But then people started to get in. More people. She stayed still. Standing beside Doctor. If they didn’t bother her, Girl was OK. But she kept her eyes on them. She felt her body stiffen. She looked up at Doctor with her eyes, seeing she was tall and strong. Not in the least bit bothered by these people. She took strength from her. And stayed still till the doors opened. Then followed Doctor out. Back out into the busy alley and kept to her shadow. Kept away from people. She was tired of people. Too many. Way too many that Tasha had to keep looking out for. Staying away from. Protecting herself from. And Doctor. She didn’t want them to try to get Doctor. But Doctor wasn’t afraid. 

Ah!! Doctor’s door. She knew that. She had only seen it once from this side but she recognized it and rushed to it. She was so happy to be back. Back to where she knew. Doctor walked up slowly and turned her mouth up at Girl. It made her feel better. She tried to do the same but still could not work out what to move. What to do to turn her mouth up. So when Doctor opened her door, she slipped in before it was done, to hide her folding box in her platform. 

She saw Doctor go to the hole in wall and talk to it. Hoping she was getting water, she rushed over and stood by the table as the woman put down her vessel. Tasha picked it up and saw it was life liquid so she drank it down to stop her stomach rumbling. She wanted more. 

“Wad-der pleathe.”

Doctor squinted her eyes at her then talked to the hole in wall, which made another vessel from no where! Tasha still couldn’t believe that. Things had to be somewhere. But Doctor handed her a cool vessel and it was real in her hands. She peeked inside, smelling it and dipped her finger in it to test it. Ah! Liquid food. Doctor must be able to hear her stomach rumbling so Tasha drank it down and felt better. “Tank you.” 

“THank you. And you are welcome, Tasha.” 

Doctor repeated what Tasha said. Hmm, did she say it wrong. She’ll have to pay more attention. But Tasha was feeling tired. All the walking and her low mood had taken her energy away. And trying to keep away from all those people. It was too much. She walked over to her platform and touched it. It was smooth and soft. She sat on the side, putting her PADD under the soft thing. The girl had woken up on the platform in her old room a few times and it was comfortable. Maybe she could rest here. She had Doctor to keep a look out. 

She knew these words. “Tatha thleep.”

“Do you want to sleep in bed, Tasha?”

“Yeth, pleathe. Doc-Tor thee?” And to be sure Doctor knew what that meant, she pointed around. 

“You want me to blah look out? Keep you safe?”

Tasha nodded, feeling more tired than she had for a while. “Tho Tatha thleep thafe.” 

“Of blah blah keep you safe.” 

She was too tired to listen but Doctor walked over to her platform and pulled the soft cover off. Tasha laid on her side, curling up because she was cold. Doctor said something, pointing to the big soft seat so Tasha nodded with a heavy breath out and felt her eyes close. They felt heavy. 

*Tasha was crawling through a broken window. She could see food stuff on a table inside. Trying to be quiet, she kept listening while she moved through the dark room. Just in case someone came back. She had waited til the room owner had left. She grabbed the food and ran back to the window to climb out. Old Woman would be happy with this food. As she put her foot out, she didn’t feel anything. But Tasha knew the ground was there. So she put her other foot out and dropped. And dropped. And dropped!!!! Ah!! Black nothingness!!! And she was falling!!!*

Tasha sat up. Where was she?? Why was she not hiding? Why was she in the open?? Spinning her head around she didn’t know where she was. Out in the open, she pushed her way off of where she was, looking, checking, looking. Tasha was confused. Where was she? She stumbled. She fell. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t falling. 

“Tasha, it’s ok. You’re safe. I’m over here.”

Ah!! She heard her voice. Doctor. She’s here. She looked for her. For her face. For her eyes. 

“Ah. Doc-tor.” 

She was Oh-Kay. Tasha realized she was standing in the middle of the room. 

“Yes, I’m here.” 

Ah, Doctor was here. Tasha was feeling things. Things she didn’t like. She rubbed her face but didn’t feel better. She went back to the platform. She was OK. But her bad foot hurt so she rubbed it. She was so tired. She pointed at the table. She wanted Doctor to sit there so she could see her while she slept. She spoke in her talk. Without thinking. “Sit there so I can see you.” 

“I blah blah blah you want,” Doctor said. 

Huh? Want does she want? Tasha thought she spoke clearly. So tired. Rubbed her face and remembered they spoke different speak. Ah! She was having trouble keeping her eyes open. Thinking of how to say it in Doc-tor’s voice, she pointed, “Doc-tor thee thafe there. Tatha thee doc-tor.” Did she say it right? Her head was shutting down. So she pointed again and spoke slowly, “Doc-tor thee thafe there. Tatha thee doc-tor.”

Doctor made nice face and walked over to her table to put her metal things on it then came to Girl’s platform, with upturned mouth. Tasha felt like she had done it right. If she wasn’t so tired she would try to turn her mouth up too. Doctor said something, and rubbed her hand across the girl’s short soft head, relaxing her. “Go back to sleep, Tasha.”

It felt so good, she just fell over, closing her eyes, trusting Doctor and fell asleep. 

*Footsteps.*

Tasha opened her eyes and jumped up. Ah! She was in Doctor’s room so she laid back down and went to sleep. 

*Where are you hiding, girl?*

The girl fell from the platform onto the floor with a heavy thud. Doctor’s strong hands held her shoulders, helping her back up, pulling the soft covers over her. 

*Git up, stupid girl. Time to be smashed! And she was hit in the head.*

Frozen, her eyes snapped open. She felt cold. She was afraid. “Tasha. Tasha, it’s OK.” Ah, Doctor. She looked around, and saw the Doctor’s gang colored eyes. It’s OK. She calmed her breathing and closed her eyes again. The platform was soft and comfortable. 

*She held the food in her hands. It was fresh and juicy. As she bit into it, the black worms spewed out, crawling into her mouth and nose.* 

She sat up so quick, her head spun. Coughing out the worms but they weren’t real. Not this time. She turned her head when she heard her name, Tasha. Ah, Doctor was there. She watched the woman for a few moments before laying back down. Her eyes would not stay open. 

*Only one more corner then she was back at the rooms she shared with Old Woman. Only one more. But there was another when she came around. And another. And another. And another. And another. *

*And another. *

*She should be there by now. The food in her cloth bag was rotting and starting to smell. That would get her her a slap. *

*She took another step and the ground gave way, falling falling from her foot. She fell. And fell. And.....*

*Ah! There you are Girl.*

Tasha laid there. She couldn’t rest anymore. She sat up on her platform. Saw the Doctor at her table and stretched her arms up, taking a big breath in. Pee. She had to pee so she slid off of her platform and walked to the pee room. She used it without looking around and went back to her platform. 

Grabbing her PADD, the girl felt empty. She felt tired and empty. Like all of her life liquid had drained from her. She just wanted to be alone. So she went into Doctor’s room and sat on the floor in front of the small window into nothingness. That would settle her, she thought. Focus on her learning and look out at black nothingness. She put her PADD on her legs and turned it on, moving her flash light from her cloth to the floor beside her. It had been sticking into her stomach, making her hurt. And it was more noticeable because her inside hurt was gone. She had no pain there anymore. She tried to remember what that had felt like. How that had kept her alert. She followed the symbol sounds with her finger, tracing them, learning them. Reciting them. 

Tasha felt she knew these symbol sounds and wanted to know the groups of symbols. She thought of the words she knew and asked the PADD. “Wadder.” And the woman voice spoke, “Water,” bring up a group of symbols. Tasha touched them, spoke them, “Dubblyou. Aae. Dee. Eee. Are.” 

Huh? That didn’t sound like Doctor’s word for life liquid. That didn’t sound like water. She said “Wadder,” again into the PADD and the woman voice said, “Water” and brought up the same group of symbols. 

Oh-Kay. Maybe that was it so Tasha traced them, repeating the sounds and the word even though they sounded different. 

She did this with all the words she could remember from Doctor and when she ran out of words, her PADD woman suggested one. 

“Cat,” she said. And a picture appeared. A picture of Tasha’s cat. 

Tasha raised her eyebrows. How? How did PADD woman know Tasha had a cat? And it looked like her’s. “Cat.” So that was what it was in Doctor’s speak? 

“Cat,” Tasha said. She saw the symbols. Thee. Aae. Dee. She said them. And traced them. 

She suddenly had the strong urge to show Doctor. To tell her what she had learned. Tasha jumped up as fast as she could and ran into her room, with a shout, “Doc-Tor!”

And there was Doctor, still at her table where Tasha told her to be. What? Why didn’t she move? She listened to the girl and stayed?? 

“Yes, Tasha?” 

Tasha was relieved she was there. For some reason, it seemed important to the girl to show this to Doctor. To get her approval. 

“Look look,” as she had learned that word in the very big room, meaning to see with eyes. Tasha turned her PADD to Doctor to show her the screen, “Cat.”

And she used Doctor’s speak. “Cat.”

“Yes, that’s a cat, Tasha.”

“Tathath cat,” she said. Not just any cat. This looks just like hers. The cat she misses. 

“You had a cat, Tasha?”

Yes. Yes! Tasha had a cat! And that cat had looked after Tasha. Found her after Old Woman died and stayed with her. Kept her safe. 

“Cat thee Tatha. Thee Tatha thafe,” she said carefully, trying to explain it to Doctor. Cat had been important to her. She fed it and her cat kept her safe. 

“Your cat looked out for you?”

Huh? Doctor said cat and look. Cat look out for Tasha. Yes!! Doctor understands. She felt lightness in her chest. Cat had looked out for her, especially when it was time for rest. Alerted her when someone came near. Tasha just had to feed it and it stayed with her. She needed to tell Doctor this. Needed Doctor to know she felt Doctor would look after her now. Now she was somewhere different and she didn’t have her cat anymore. She lost her cat. 

“Cat thee Tatha thleep,” she said, trying to remember Doctor’s words and say them right. This could be important. This could keep her in Doctor’s gang if she can speak right. Doctor needs to know how Tasha thinks of her. How much she has come to trust her. To like her. 

And Tasha doesn’t like people. Much. If at all. 

She closed her eyes to focus. How? How to tell Doctor? 

“Cat.” Tasha held her bad hand out. Tucking her PADD under her arm, she held her right hand out, “Doctor.”

Slowly slowly shaking each hand, she said, “Thee Tatha thafe. Tatha thleep.” 

Doctor looked at Tasha. Saw her. Really saw her. In her eyes. And nodded. Tasha felt she had done this right. Her chest flooded with breath. With life. With hope. 

“Yes, Tasha, Doctor keep you safe,” woman said, pointing to the picture of the cat, then to herself and then holding the girl’s hand. “Blah.”

Tasha didn’t hear the last word. Her eyes were on Doctor’s hand. On hers. Why was she touching her? Touching her hand near the PADD? She wanted to take the PADD back? That had to be it. No one touched Girl’s hand. Except to grab her. 

She breathed deep, to focus, then brushed Doctor’s hand away. Give her a chance before attacking. Looking Doctor right in the eyes, Tasha’s pulled her hand near her PADD away and said, “Tathath.”

Doctor seemed to understand and let go, putting her hand back on her legs, saying, “Yes, Tasha, that is yours.”

“Tathath.”

She backed away, bringing her look down, trying to look mean. Doctor showed herself. She wanted Girl. She wanted to hurt her. Take her things. 

No! 

Doctor never tried to hurt Girl. She never took anything. She gave Girl things. Gave girl life liquid. Gave her liquid food. Gave her PADD to learn from. She was confused. 

She walked around her new room, looking at things. Doctor brought her here and didn’t expect anything. 

Yet. 

Didn’t expect anything yet. 

She had new cloth on. She brought her upper cloth up to her nose and smelled it. It was fresh and clean. She liked it. Doctor gave it to her. And she had a layered platform with more cloth to change when this got dirty. Doctor had to be good. 

She had to be. 

She had to be good. 

Tasha didn’t want to believe anything different. 

With her PADD tightly in her grasp to her chest, she turned back to Doctor, “Doc-Tor keep Tatha thafe.”

“Doctor will always keep Tasha safe.” 

Tasha looked at her. And looked at her. 

Doctor’s eyes were clear. And open. And nice. Tasha believed her. And Tasha could not remember the last time she believed someone. And she was good at remembering. 

The girl sighed, dropped her shoulders and let her PADD fall to her side in her hand. Tasha was going to speak as clearly as she could, so Doctor knew and knew for sure. She wanted Doctor to know for sure because she had lost her cat because she was stupid. She was not paying attention and her cat got killed. Killed by boy gang who grabbed her and smashed her. Smashed her when Doctor saved her. 

Saved her from her dirty, crappy, horrible place. 

“Tathath cat thee thafe. Tatha thleep. Doc-Tor thee thafe. Thee Tatha. Thee Tatha thleep thafe.”

Tasha was clean. And dressed in cloth. And safe now. 

She had her own platform with soft covers and soft things for under her head. 

She wanted to rest in it. Sleep in it. 

“Look, thee,” and Tasha pointed around and nodded at her platform. She needed Doctor to look out for her like her cat did. Especially in this new place if she was going to rest on the platform. 

Doctor nodded her head, “Yes, Tasha. Doctor keep Tasha safe.”

Ah. Oh-Kay. 

So Tasha began sleeping on the platform. But it was hard to learn how.


	39. Bathing Safe

It had been a few cycles now that Tasha stayed in Doctor’s rooms. 

And nothing had happened. 

Well nothing that hurt the girl. 

So she was content. She felt safe. And almost everything was amazing. Everyday there was something new the girl had never seen, let alone thought of. Sometimes she had to concentrate so she would not get lost in her wonder. If she did, that would be when she would get hurt. But she felt different about Doctor. Different than she could remember with Old Woman. 

Old Woman had had an order. Well everything had to be done her way, when she wanted or Girl would get a slap. Girl had figured that out but it was easy to know when she got it wrong. It hurt. But she was as safe as she could be then. And was not alone. As she did what Old Woman wanted, she got to stay. Not that she knew where else to go. 

That made Tasha want to try to figure out what she was supposed to do each cycle. Doctor seemed to have an order too, the way she liked things done and when. And Girl had to fit in. Do things right. And at the right time. When she woke up. When she ate or drank. When she cleaned. When she left with Doctor to the other rooms. She wanted to figure it out so she could just do it. Not wait to be told. Tasha wanted Doctor to be happy with her. Because when Doctor looked at her nicely or said something that sounded nice, Tasha felt good and her chest warmed up. She liked it. And she was never punished for doing or saying the wrong thing. 

No slap. No pain. 

So when Doctor came in, tall, dressed in her bloo gang color cloth, meaning they would be leaving soon, Tasha knew she needed to go to “shower” or get under the ONOFF, as she called it. 

And she loved the ONOFF. 

AH!!! Life liquid falling down all around over her body and all she had to do was stand under it and enjoy it. Because there was more. And more. 

And more. 

There seemed to be unlimited life liquid here. Water as Doctor called it. 

So when Doctor came in, Tasha put her PADD away, hid her flash light and went to pee room to get under the ONOFF. She tried not to run through the rooms. As usual she was so excited and just climbed right in, touching the black spot, saying “ON” and soaking herself, turning around, feeling the sensation of the water fall on her body. The water was always just the right temperature. 

Blinking, as life liquid was dripping all around her head, she saw not only the vessel that held her cleaning liquid but lots of others. And they were of different sizes and shapes and colors. 

Ah! 

Tasha picked one up and looked at it. It had the same cover to open it as the one Doctor showed her. She twisted the top and peered in. Liquid. And it smelled nice. She opened another one and it was the same. Different smell. 

But Tasha also saw the liquids were different colors. Bright colors. 

Tasha started to open each one, to see and turned them up on the side of the big ONOFF vessel. Each one was stood up in size order. She placed all the tops back on the layered platform, should she need them. Then she watched as all the colors dripped down the side of the big vessel she was standing in. It was amazing. She didn’t think she ever saw anything so colorful. Tasha liked colors. 

As she was admiring the colorful liquid fall, she heard Doctor’s voice and her name. Uh-Oh. Was she in trouble? How did Doctor know?

“Tasha, what are you doing?”

Again, so she looked out and saw Doctor by the door. Oh! Maybe she could tell Tasha about the colors. 

“Look,” Tasha said to get Doctor to come to her. 

And Doctor did walk over to the big vessel and talked to Computer. Tasha had yet to figure out who that was. But the water fall stopped and the woman looked in behind the flimsy cloth. So Tasha pointed at the colorful dripping of liquid she wanted to know about because she thought it was nice. But Doctor just put her hand over her mouth and closed her eyes. 

And stayed still. 

Ah. 

Tasha was in trouble. She’d seen this face on Old Woman. Especially when the girl had stopped to look at the cycle closing with all of the sky colors. She got a slap for that. A hard one. Afraid she would be hurt, Tasha held her hands out to show she was defenceless. 

Doctor stared at her. Tasha stood still. Very still. 

“Where are blah blah?”

Ah!! Doctor was asking her a question. But what?? Tasha dropped her hands and stared hard at woman’s mouth, hoping she would say it again. 

“Where are the tops, Tasha?” And Doctor moved her hands, as if twisting off tops. Hmm.

AH!! 

Tasha knew what she wanted. She pointed to the layered table, “they are here,” she said in her voice. Tasha knew to keep them safe so she put them on the layered table. 

“Oh, Tasha,” Doctor said, breathing out. 

Then Doctor bent over the big vessel and started to turn all of the little vessels of liquid back up. Ah, but they were to clean with. 

But Doctor wanted to not let them leak out. Tasha watched her. She remembered “Don’t git in my way, girl,” so she squatted to the side. And watched. But Doctor then stood and reached for the tops. 

Ah!

Tasha could get those. So she stood and grabbed all of them. She looked through them and picked one. This one will cover the vessel Doctor is holding. And she offered it to Doctor. 

“Dat one,” she said with certainty. She remembered which top went to which vessel. Once Doctor put it on, she picked out another and pointed to the vessel it fit on. She felt like she was helping Doctor, so after the woman put the top on, Tasha choose another, looked at it carefully and showed which vessel it went to so Doctor could put it on. 

She got everyone of them right. First time. Tasha watched Doctor put the last one on and stood tall. She tried to raise her mouth like the woman did and waited to see what Doctor said to her. She did good, she thought. She got every top right. And learned what a top was. 

Doctor looked at her, turning her mouth up only a little bit but her eyes crinkled, as she shook her head. She gently pushed her hand through Tasha’s short soft head, which she liked, with the girl rolling her head away and the woman said “Why are you still blah?”

Tasha wasn’t sure what she said, but felt like she was in trouble. Again. She lifted her shoulders and threw her arms out, trying to show she didn’t know what Doctor said. But she kept her eyes on the woman’s mouth should she speak more, tilting her head. 

Then Doctor began to move slow. What? Doctor put her hand on Tasha’s top cloth and said “This needs to come off.” She pulled it down a little and looked Girl in the eye, turning her mouth up. “It’s blah wet.”

What was happening? Was Girl in trouble? Why was Doctor touching her cloth while she was in it? Was she going to be punished? Hurt? Tasha pulled her focus in, getting ready to fight if she needed. She didn’t want to hurt Doctor but she didn’t want to be hurt herself. 

Never again. 

Confusion rippled through her body as Doctor slowly pulled her top cloth up and over her head, taking it off. Tasha had let her arms go limp and they moved with the cloth. Doctor then pulled her short bottom cloth down her legs and the girl automatically stepped out of them. Why did she do that? 

Scared. She was scared. 

She couldn’t move. But she did. She moved for Doctor when she pulled her cloth off. Why? 

What was Doctor doing? Was she going to smash Girl?? No! She can’t do that. Doctor doesn’t want that. Fear gripped her chest as she stood there naked. 

She didn’t even have her flash light for a weapon. 

Then Doctor grabbed a large soft cloth and placed it on her shoulders, wrapping it around her to cover her. Tucking it under her chin, she patted her shoulders lightly. 

Ah. 

Tasha realized she had forgotten to take her cloth off before getting in the ONOFF! That was what Doctor was doing. 

“There you go,” Doctor said, so softly and nicely, as she stepped away from Tasha. “How about breakfast?” 

Tasha lifted her eyes at Doctor as she felt they were low and mean. Doctor just turned her mouth up at Girl and left the pee room. Wrapped warmly in the big soft cloth, Tasha tried to figure out what happened. Or what didn’t happen. 

Doctor just took her cloth off, top and bottom, but didn’t try to hurt her. Didn’t try to smash her. Then she made her more comfortable. 

She had been stupid girl for leaving her cloth on to clean. How can she clean with her cloth on? Stupid. Stupid. But Doctor didn’t say that to her. The girl could hear Old Woman in her head, “you stupid girl. Ruin yer one cloth and you’ll have nuttink to put on!” Then she would have gotten a slap on the back of her head. A hard one. So she wouldn’t forget again. But Doctor didn’t say anything or even do anything. 

Doctor had never hit her, Girl realized. 

Tasha was stunned for a few moments. Just standing there, wrapped in the big soft cloth. 

Life liquid dripped into her eyes, bringing her back. Breakfast. Doctor had said breakfast. That seemed to be first eat after start of cycle. So she would want Girl there at her seat. So Tasha shook her head, causing water to spray and wiped the big soft cloth around her body. She thought about turning the ONOFF back on to clean but no. She wasn’t really dirty. She never got dirty here in Doctor’s place. Tasha had no cloth in pee room so walked out to get it from her room. Doctor was there at the hole in wall, speaking. 

Everything seemed to be OH-Kay. 

Tasha picked out a top cloth and a long bottom cloth to wear for this cycle. She found a lighter color than Doctor’s color to wear. She wanted to show woman she was a part of her gang. The girl put the big soft cloth on her platform and got her flash light from where it was hidden under her soft thing, hiding it under her cloth. She then went to the table and sat in her seat.

In her seat. 

Tasha had a seat. One that only she sat in. Doctor had her own. Tasha was gathering up things that were hers. She never owned much in her short life. She never could keep it. Old Woman would take it. Boy gang would take it. Or some stranger would take it from her. But Doctor not only let her have things but gave them to her. 

Gave Tasha her own things. 

She had cloth. She had liquid food. She had life liquid. She had a platform just for her with her own soft things. She had a PADD for her to learn from. She had an ONOFF to use to keep clean. She had a tooth brush to clean her mouth. She had her flash light. Yes, she found and took that but Doctor let her keep it. 

And she had safety. 

Doctor had given her safety. Tasha felt at that moment she would never be hurt again. As long as she stayed with Doctor. Her chest fluttered. 

Tasha tried to lift her mouth up at Doctor, but couldn’t so she lifted her eyes. Trying to show how she felt. How she thought of the woman. Did she know Doctor speak for how she thought of her? Doctor lifted her own mouth and looked nicely at the girl. 

“This is for you.”

And she gave girl cool liquid food.


	40. Safe Sleep

Tasha only fell into rest once she was certain Doctor had gone to her room and had gone to sleep. Then she was out. 

She woke a few times in the night with strange inside thoughts, getting up to loose the haze they left in her mind. Shaking them from her limbs and to look out the window at the nothingness that seemed to still her soul. Her dark cycle thoughts always made her feel cloudy and low. She felt the softness of her top cloth and breathed in its scent to remind her she wasn’t there anymore, where she could be hurt at anytime. Where she had been hurt. It was her favourite top cloth as it was Doctor’s color. So she slept in it to soothe her during dark cycles when she was alone. Heaviness then took hold of her eyes so she returned to her platform and rested again. Relishing in the still new warm softness that encompassed her weary young body, Tasha would drift away.

Warmth. 

Warmth on her back. Waking her. Pulling her from sleep. With a deep breath in, she lifted her head. What? Ah! Doctor. Doctor was there with her. She was safe. So she laid her head back down and went back into rest. 

Rest. 

Lightning bolt. 

A soft lightning bolt shot through her body, lighting up her eyes. Tasha sat up so quick, she was a little dizzy. Doctor was stood near her platform. What was that feeling? She looked around. And she looked around. And then she looked at Doctor. And looked at her. 

Doctor was holding her bad foot. Huh? Why? So she tugged it back to her body. 

Ah! She was in Doctor’s rooms. On her platform. “Oh.” 

Tasha laid back and relaxed her head into the nice soft thing. She looked at Doctor. Who was looking funny nice at her. Why? She liked it when Doctor looked at her nice. It was so different from when the boy gangs had looked at her. That wasn’t nice. So she relaxed more. Sinking into the softness of her platform. 

What was it she felt when Doctor was holding her foot? Hmm. Tasha wanted to know. So she put her foot back up, holding it out for Doctor. 

Doctor took it in her hands and held it gently. She then moved her fingers across the bottom. AH!! It feels weird!!! Makes Tasha move. Makes her make a funny sound she can’t help! Doctor did this again. Tasha wiggled so much that she couldn’t stop and pulled her foot back to her. She made a sound. A sound she didn’t know. What was it? It felt good. The feeling of having her foot touched was different from anything she had ever felt. And she liked it. 

“What’th thith?” She asked, trying to say the words carefully. Her heart bubbling away. 

There was a pause. Doctor looking at the girl and at her foot. “Oh you’re ticklish.” 

Tasha didn’t understand and squished her eyes up, trying to lift her mouth. She wanted to feel that again so she put her foot out to Doctor. And again, Doctor held it gently and slid her fingertips across the bottom. It caused a rumbling sound to come from Tasha’s belly. A sound like she never heard come from her body!!

“What’th thiz?” She tried harder to say the words right. She needed Doctor to understand the question to answer her. 

“I’m tickling you. Have you blah blah tickled blah?” Doctor spoke a little slower. Tasha heard tickle more than once. Was that it? Thinking of how to say she liked it and how to ask for more, Tasha kept her foot up. 

“Feel good.” She remembered that from when Doctor cleaned her mouth. So she knew that was right. “Tickle Tatha.” 

With her bad foot up, she tried to move her toes, looking up at Doctor, hoping. And Doctor touched her foot, softly, lightly. Tasha couldn’t keep her eyes open. She tried not to curl up. Lightness bubbling up from her stomach, making her chest ache in a good way. Her skin tingled and she tried to breathe in. She was aware the woman put her foot down. She used that moment to catch her breath but Doctor moved her fingertips under her arms. Suddenly she made sounds like Doctor’s body rumble. 

And it felt good!! Her head was clear and her body was alive! She made loud rumbling noises and felt it from her soul. She rolled about unconsciously, making uncontrolled noise. She couldn’t stop! Not that she wanted to. She never felt something so warming. Opening her heart. Her mind. And she just kept rumbling. Doctor started to move her fingertips around her stomach and sides, making the sensation tingle all over her body. 

Tasha felt alive. 

Doctor stopped and Tasha kept trying to get her breath back. She couldn’t think of when her body felt so good. She sucked in air, keeping her eyes closed as she could feel life liquid coming out of them. But she wasn’t in any pain. The girl felt Doctor move her hand across her short soft head

Breathing in, she realized she liked that. Tasha opened her eyes and saw Doctor looking at her, with her upturned mouth. Looking nice at her. And not like she wanted anything. Then the woman bent down to her and put her mouth on Tasha’s head above her eye. 

Feeling flooded through Tasha. Her heart felt like it was going to explode. And she didn’t know what it was. But she liked it. She liked how Doctor made her feel. Just when she thought she felt the best thing ever, Doctor showed her something more, something that made her feel like a real girl even more. Not just a shadow hiding in the dirt and rubble, but like a light in someone’s eyes. In Doctor's eyes. 

“Tickle feel good,” Girl said. That was the only way she knew how to tell Doctor. She wanted to tell her she liked her. That she liked being here with her. But she wasn’t sure so she just gazed at her. 

“Yes. It does.”

Slowly, Doctor’s face changed. She seemed to disappear inside like she did sometimes which was dangerous. Her face went serious. And she looked sad. Her eyes were getting wet from life liquid leaking out. Tasha didn’t want Doctor to feel like that. 

What could she do? She was just a girl. What did Doctor do that made her feel better? 

Ah! Tasha reached up and as gently as she could, she touched Doctor’s soft head. It was longer than Girl’s but just as soft. She watched the woman’s eyes closely, making sure what she was doing was OK. That she wasn’t hurting her. 

Tasha had never touched anyone else’s head like this before. She never really touched anyone ever. Except to hurt them. To fight them. 

Doctor stood. And turned around. What? What did Girl do? Did she hurt her? Stupid Girl. Ruined it again!! Went too far. Made Doctor move away. Made Doctor leave her. 

“Doc-tor?” 

She received no reply. So even quieter, she called out, “Doc-tor?”

Please please please be OK. Tasha didn’t realize she had curled up into her soft platform, protecting herself, hiding under the cover. 

Doctor looked back at her and changed. She softened. “Tasha, it’s alright. Time to get out of bed.” 

Doctor wiped her eyes. “It’s OK, Tasha.” 

Tasha looked at Doctor, hard, dipping her head to the side. What happened? Tasha wanted to know what the woman was thinking. But Doctor seemed to come back. So it was a question she was going to have to ask when she knew how. Since she understood bed, she just replied, “Oh-Kay.”

So the girl turned over and slid her legs off of her platform, sitting up and sliding to the soft floor. It was still so nice to stand on. She dropped her arms and looked up at Doctor. Lights were low and she wasn’t sure what cycle it was so she waited to be told what to do. 

Like with Old Woman. 

But Doctor wasn’t like Old Woman. 

Doctor seemed to breathe and soften her body. She touched Tasha’s shoulder lightly saying, “Go get a shower.” Her mouth was upturned. 

Tasha knew shower was getting under the ONOFF water fall which she liked. Liked A LOT. So she wanted to do that. She nodded and tried not to run to the pee room to clean. 

No Doctor wasn’t like Old Woman. 

Doctor was nice.


	41. Safe Not Safe

Tasha was asleep. 

She was dreaming. 

Dreaming of walking back through the alleys alone. With the little food she had found. And she was tired. So tired. She just sat to eat what she found. She was feeling sad because she still missed Old Woman. It had only been a few cycles since she had to run from the rooms she shared with her. And that distracted her. 

So she sat and ate the bad tasting food she had found all by herself. Lost in thought. 

Lost in her head. 

Suddenly she was surrounded. By a boy gang. She had thrown her food at them, thinking that was what they wanted. 

But no. 

Suddenly they had taken her knife. Had pushed her to the ground. Grabbed her hands and feet. She struggled. She thrashed. She couldn’t get free. One of the boys climbed on top of her. Sat on her. Showed his teeth. Pulled his lower cloth down. 

Tasha never felt so scared in her life. 

Then she felt pain. And more pain. 

And more pain. 

She screamed. 

She fought. 

She screamed. 

She kicked. 

She screamed. 

She tried to get free. But someone was holding her. Holding her shoulders. 

Breathe. She couldn’t breathe. Her mind was messy. Running. Running away from her. 

Breathe. 

She pushed the person away and jumped up. Get away from the boy gang. Move. Move. 

Move!!!

But she was stuck. In a room. With walls and a cover. She ran around trying to find the way out. How did she get here??? Where is here? 

There was another room. She ran there but still, there was no way out. Seats were in her way so she pushed them. She hit walls hoping one was a door that would open but no. 

Need. Need to get away. 

Girl so did not want to be hurt by boy gang. 

Again. 

She was not going to be smashed! Again!!

Ah! A table. Hide. Hide until she can think of a plan. So the girl ran to it, climbed under right to the back and sucked in her breath. Trying not to breathe, she curled up as tight as she could to protect herself. Back to the wall and protect her front. Girl tried to slow her breathing. Become invisible. 

Talking. She heard talking. But she stayed strong. Stayed quiet. Curled up. Protecting herself. Nothing happened. 

Nothing happened. 

And nothing happened. 

The girl tried to stay curled up but she was tired. Tired and weak. And let go. She looked out. She could see a fuzzy person. Girl’s eyes were wet and hurt. 

“Tasha, come on out. You are safe. Please, my sweet girl.” 

She heard sweet girl. She was called that before. But by whom? Old Woman definitely didn’t call her that. Girl growled involuntarily. Then that person left after talking some more. And the light went low. 

Dark cycle. 

Girl needed to stay awake. The first cycle was the worst if she had been seen or almost caught by a boy gang. She had to hide. To disappear so they would stop looking. So she stayed under her hide, quiet, still. But there was a cover left near her. And she was cold. Well it would help in hiding her, so Girl pulled it in and wrapped herself in it. At least she had her light. With it being dark, she lit it up to check the area and turned it off again. 

To keep herself awake, she laid with her bad hand under her hip to cause pain so that wouldn’t let her sleep. She turned the light on every now and then to clear the area. 

But she stayed awake. Stayed alert. Watching. 

Girl was so scared. 

Her heart would not stop racing. Her chest hurt. 

How long, she wasn’t sure but a person came back. She had had her light on looking around but turned it off real fast. And stared. 

This person sat on the ground, against a wall. And just watched her. Watched the Girl. What does this person want?? 

It spoke. Woman’s voice. Girl didn’t know no woman. 

“Good morning, Tasha.”

How did this person know Girl’s name? When she hadn’t heard it for so long. 

And then person spoke long words, a lot and Girl didn’t understand. 

Ah! Girl pulled her face down hard. Scare her. Make herself mean. Why didn’t person go away? She didn’t want her. But the person, a woman, sat there more, staring at Girl. 

Go away. 

Then the woman did. She stood up, walked away, leaving this room to another. She was gone for a very short part of the cycle and when she came back, the light went up and she went to a different part of this room and talked to a wall, taking things from there and putting them on a table. She sat and seemed to eat. 

Girl’s stomach rumbled. But she ignored it. It was not safe. 

Not safe. 

Crap. 

Woman is coming towards Girl’s hide. She held her breath and gripped her light. But the woman stayed above and spoke out loud. And there was another voice. But no one else was in the room. Girl was confused but she stayed quiet and still. 

Who was she taking to? And where were they?? 

The woman then looked under and into Girl’s hide. 

Shit!! 

She froze. Pulled the cover tighter. Tried to make her face even more mean. She ached and she hadn’t even been hurt yet. 

Woman pointed at her eyes and then about, “Tasha sleep, Doctor....” 

Strange woman wanted to look out for Girl. Huff. No way. So Girl growled at woman. Put her in her place. But woman looked sad and stood and walked away without trying to hurt Girl. 

She seemed familiar. Had Girl met her before? 

Then she left a vessel on Girl’s hide. And left the room. 

What’s that? Girl moved to reach a hand out and touched it. Life liquid!! She quickly moved from her cover and drank it down. Quick. Then went back under and hid. Pulling the nice soft cover all around her. 

Woman came back and walked around. She picked up empty vessel and replaced it. What? Was she giving Girl life liquid??? 

Was this a trick? To get her out? 

Woman went to far wall and sat on a seat, looking at a flat metal thing. And she sat there for a long time. Girl stayed still and unseen. Though the vessel left was what she wanted, she couldn’t get it as the woman stayed in the room. 

After some part of cycle, the woman went to the other wall. She spoke. Put things on a table. And sat. The smell of some of these things was pulling at Girl’s stomach. Making it ache. Making it rumble. But she stayed put. 

Do not be fooled, Girl. Stay put. Stay safe. 

Woman ate the food and drank the drink. Girl’s body wanted it. She had to focus to keep herself still. She could attack. Take the food. She had done that once to a man who tried to take her food. Got him with her knife. He didn’t eat anymore food after that. But she didn’t have a knife. Only a light. And Girl felt weak right now. 

No. Better to hide and wait. Hide and wait. But this woman ate so slow. And drank slow. Girl wanted the vessel of life liquid that was just out of reach but Woman needed to leave. She stared and stared at Woman who was just in view. Woman would glance Girl’s way but stayed put. 

Girl’s stomach ached and rumbled. 

Woman then walked over to her hide. Tensing, Girl got ready to fight. To run. Woman looked under at her. She looked through Woman. 

“Tasha.”

Tasha. Tasha? How did Woman know her name? She only had known Old Woman and she knew Girl’s name but wouldn’t use it. Girl only ever heard Old Woman’s name once. But she remembered it. Short and simple. But Woman? Did Girl know her? She stared. 

Woman took the vessel. Girl wanted that! 

She said, “Wa-der,” without realising. Her voice was rough and quiet. 

Life liquid? Was that water? 

Woman stayed standing by her hide. “What, Tasha?”

Girl said “Wa-der,” again. 

Woman got down and looked at Girl, holding the life saving vessel. “Do you want the water?”

Does Girl want life liquid? Stupid question. Of course. Everyone wants life liquid!! 

“Wa-der.”

Girl wasn’t sure why but she knew that was life liquid. Water. 

“Ok, Tasha, blah blah blah blah.” And Woman stood and walked away with the water. She took the water. Girl heard it being put on the table. 

Girl thought. She could feel her stomach rumbling. And felt dark like she did when very thirsty. She wanted to drink. Why did Woman have to take it away? Why can’t Woman just leave? That’s it. Girl was going to have to come out. She was going to have to put herself in danger to survive. She started to untangle herself from the cover and crawl out. Her bad foot felt funny. It was tingling and weak. It made her stumble but she stood. She didn’t want to look at Woman, to acknowledge her. She was already getting scared leaving her hide. Girl put her hand out and said “Wa-der.”

“No, Tasha. Come and sit blah. Eat your soup.”

Stupid woman. She can’t tell Girl what to do. She’s not Old Woman. Only Old Woman had ever told Girl what to do and now she was dead. She kept her hand out. 

“Wa-Der.”

“No, Tasha.”

Why was Woman being like this? She normally gave Girl life liquid. Girl didn’t want to sit with Woman. She wanted to hide. To be left alone. 

To be safe.

Woman walked to her. Girl froze. Woman put her hand on her back and pushed her forward. She tried not to move but Woman was strong. She pushed her to the table. But Girl was not going to sit. She kept her head down, looking mean and thought about getting her light out. If she needed to defend herself. What was Woman going to do? 

Woman placed her hand on Girl’s shoulder and pushed her into the seat. She had to sit. She gripped the sides, eyes down to her knees. 

“Come on, Tasha, eat your food. Blah blah you feel better.”

Girl could smell the food. It made her stomach ache. She was hungry but she was not going to take food from the woman. She did not want to take anything from her. Girl wanted to be on her own. She wanted to leave. Her head was dark. Her thoughts heavy. 

“No.”

“Tasha...”

“NO.”

Listen, stupid Woman. Listen! Girl put her foot on the table and pushed, pushed herself away in the seat. Stupid food sloshed around. She could feel her face getting hot. She was getting angry. 

“NO!”

Girl’s head was starting to hurt. Her eyes were stinging. 

Woman reached out and grabbed the seat leg, pulling Girl back to the table. She was mad. Her eyes dark. “You do not put your feet on the table. Now eat your food.”

Girl didn’t understand what Woman said at all but she heard the warning. The threat. The anger. Finally she looked at Woman. Looked at her and saw. 

It was Doctor!

How could she forget? And now Doctor was mad at her. Was going to get rid of her. Why did Girl do this?? 

Because she was stupid. She was small and weak. She was broken. And she doesn’t deserve nice things. Upset with her self, Girl felt her face tremble. Her mind swirl. She didn’t know what to do. 

Girl didn’t know how to talk to Doctor. How to tell her. 

She stood. Quickly. The seat fell over. She was angry. With Doctor. With herself. “No No No NO NO!!” She shouted with all her voice. 

Girl was ruining everything. Again. So she hit the vessel, spilling out the life liquid she wanted so much. She knocked the vessel of food off the table because she was too afraid to take food from anyone. She screamed, “NOOOO!” with all her might. 

And Doctor grabbed Girl. Grabbed her by the arm and pulled her away from the table. 

“What’s gotten into you? Blah blah blah blah blah blah?”

What’s gotten into you? 

It didn’t hurt but Girl felt finally Doctor was going to do what she had been waiting for. Hurt her. Smash her. And her mind screamed. It exploded and she vocally let all of that out. She writhed free, stamped her foot and screamed, “NO,” with everything she had left. 

And ran. 

Where? She was in pee room. What good was this? No no no no no. She was swatting the vessels off the platforms, “Stupid girl. Lost it. Stupid!!” Out of pee room into Doctor’s room, she kicked anything she saw. She kicked with her bad foot so it hurt. Reminded her she was broken. She was nothing. Just a dirty girl. 

And she needed to get away. She needed to hide. She just needed. 

Needed. 

Back to her room and she didn’t feel better. Doctor standing there, watching her. Something so hot grew inside her chest, she was seeing fire! She shouted at Doctor. Called her bad names and said bad words. Words that would have gotten her a hard slap from Old Woman. 

Her head was a mess. A jumble. She felt like she was going to explode. All she could think was No No No. She didn’t want more hurt. More pain. More heart ache. Doctor was supposed to be good. Be nice. And then Girl went and ruined it all. 

“Stupid Girl!!”

Her hand landed on a statue she had asked Doctor about. She glared at it, felt it was of a life she would never have and threw it. It bounced off the wall. And she screamed at it. Whatever she could grab, she threw. Hoping it would make her feel better. Feel still. Feel quiet. 

But she didn’t feel better. 

Her head was full of nastiness. Nastiness that made her a bad stupid Girl. She hit it. She hit her head. Her frustration burned her skin. Set her eyes on fire. Life liquid leaked out uncontrollably. She slapped her legs to try to get control. 

Spinning. Spinning. And not good spinning. Her mind was spinning. Everything was blurring and she didn’t even know what was what. 

What was happening?? Why did she feel like this? Could she ever be safe? She had felt good before. 

She stopped. 

Her puzzle. On the side table. By the window to nothingness. It was there. Teasing her. Showing her. Being what she couldn’t have. She stared at it feeling her life drain out of her. Damn puzzle. She grabbed at it. She pulled it apart. Ripped it and threw it. Threw the stupid puzzle pieces that had let Girl feel like she could be real girl. Could be someone. 

Why!!?!

What was happening? 

She remembered. 

She remembered what had happened. What had really happened. 

Stop. Stop. Standing. Standing still. She remembered being smashed that first time after Old Woman died. Girl was stupid because she let herself feel for Old Woman and she got caught. She got smashed. Ruined. Just like Old Woman had said would happen. Girl had pushed that memory so far away, so far down that it was a warning, not a real thing that happened. Not something that had happened to her. Just a memory to keep her from getting caught again. She felt it but had not remembered it. 

And now it was there in her head. Before her eyes. And it hurt. 

Pushed to the ground. 

Girl needed to hide. 

Cloth being ripped off. 

Her platform. She was by her platform. So she scrambled on top, and curled up. Disappeared against the wall. Hide and the outside will go away. 

Flashes of boys on top of her. 

Hands. 

Things inside her. 

How it hurt. 

She held herself very tight. Her chest burned. She could still feel what it had felt like. That pain had seared her soul.

And it had broken her. She would never be a real person. Never be a whole girl again. 

Her thoughts spiralled into darkness. 

Tasha didn’t hear the doctors talking about her. Didn’t feel the cover being placed gently over her frozen body. Didn’t feel the loving touch on her back meant to her give comfort. She shrunk inside herself and disappeared.


	42. Figuring Out What Safe Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, a little of the sexual assault is mentioned here, not explicit but it is remembered. Please be mindful.

Darkness. 

Silence. 

Tasha had fallen asleep. 

Cold. She was cold. She was lying on the wet, dirty stones of an alley. Shivering. Naked. She was naked. Where was her cloth? What happened?

Oh. 

Girl shivered. 

And remembered. 

Boy gang had found her. Caught her. Hurt her. Smashed her. Left her. 

Left her to freeze. 

Her life liquid fire was leaking out. So much. She could smell it. She could see it. On her arms. Her hands. Her stomach. Her legs. In between her legs. Girl let out a whine remembering that part. 

Remembering how much that had hurt. 

Why did they do that? Why? 

She didn’t understand as she laid there, shivering, leaking. 

Tasha opened her eyes. 

It was part dark. 

But she was warm. And still shivering. She had been seeing in her head. Seeing bad things. Things she had thought she had gotten rid of. Pushed away, out of her eyes. But now that was all she could see. All she could feel. 

But she was warm. 

A wall. She was looking at a wall. Staying still, Tasha let her senses feel out to find where she was. She was covered. Nice and soft. She was dressed. But she felt damp. Leaking. Life liquid from her body. Everything smelled fresh. 

Except her. 

But she was a dirty girl. 

Why would she smell fresh?

The light was low. 

And a voice. There was a voice. A woman voice. 

"It’s funny, most people can be around someone and they gradually begin to love them and never know exactly when it happened; but Ruth knew the very second it happened to her."

Tasha couldn’t understand what was being said but listened. Listened to a voice that sounded familiar. And forgot. Forgot what had happened. Drifting away. 

Cold. Alone. Sad. 

Girl was sitting and trying to eat the bad food she found. 

"Whatcha got there, lil gel?"

Girl dropped her food. She crouched down and reached for the knife she had from Old Woman. 

Too many boys. Walking around her. She didn’t stand a chance. She was frightened. 

"If yer caught, stupid girl, they will ruin you."

What did that mean?

She threw her food at them thinking that was what they wanted. 

One grabbed her knife! She screamed. 

Awake. 

Chilled. Cold. But lying in warmth. Still. Breathe. 

Breathe. 

Fresh scents. A voice. Behind her. 

"Hello, Tasha. I’m back. Tasha, do you want to have a shower?"

What was that? Who was that? 

“Ok, I’m going to bathe if you need me.”

Staying still, Girl ignored the voice. Don’t trust anyone. Old Woman is dead and can’t protect her now. Wrapped in her own thoughts, Tasha shrunk under the soft cover and stayed quiet. It’ll go away. 

“Do you want to eat, Tasha?” 

That voice was back. Girl didn’t move. Didn’t make a sound. That’s the way to stay safe. She squeezed her eyes closed. And lost track of the cycle. 

“No matter what you look like, there’s somebody who’s gonna think you’re the handsomest man in the world.”

Woman voice. Again. Calm. Soothing. Tasha just listened to the voice talk on and on. Dozing. And for a while, her inside sight was quiet. Stilled. No scary things were moving across her mind. 

“OK, Tasha. I am going to bed. Do you want anything?”

Tasha ignored whatever was said. Hoping woman would go away. Her thoughts were darkening. Her body felt as heavy as the fallen stones. 

“Computer, turn the lights out.”

Girl turned her flash light on without realizing it. Her eyes were scrunched closed. 

Surrounded. Circling. Too many of them. Hissing. Taunting her. Poking her. Grabbing at her. Pulling at her head. 

Stupid girl. 

"If yer caught, stupid girl, they will ruin you."

That’s what Old Woman had said. But what did that mean?? 

Girl was scared. So scared. Her heart raced. 

"Tasha, do you want breakfast?"

Girl's head woke up. Fuzzy. 

"I’m going to sickbay today. Would you like to come along, Tasha?"

What was this woman saying? She was saying Girl's name. Her real name. Girl stayed still. Her mind drifted off. 

Hissing. Hissing. 

Poking. Poking her. In the side. In the back of her head. She shouted at them. "Leave me!!!"

But it came out as sound. She was too scared to make words. Shaking, Girl couldn’t figure out what they wanted. They took her knife. Had her food. What more could they take??

Girl spun. Threw her little fists at them. They blurted noise, swatted her fists away like flies and pushed her to the ground. She fell. Hard. Grabbing. Grabbing. They grabbed her arms. Grabbed her feet. And pulled. Pulled her out straight so she couldn’t move. Twisting. Turning. She tried to get away. 

One sat on her. And she went cold. 

But she was warm. Lying in a warm place. Her mind was thick and dark. She felt so heavy. She couldn’t move. Didn’t want to move. So she stayed still. 

A voice. Talking. 

"Tasha, do you want to eat dinner?"

How does it know her name? Only Old Woman knew it and she didn’t say it. It was a bad name. Girl was better. 

"I’m leaving you a cup of water, Tasha, should you get thirsty. It’s right here."

That voice sounds nice. But Tasha felt so heavy. Her chest was tight. Her limbs unmovable. So she stayed put. Kept her eyes closed. 

Lost. 

Teeth. Ugly, gross teeth. Looking down at her. 

"Er gel. You don’t git away. We got you."

Frozen. She was frightened. She peed herself. She screamed. Boy pulled his lower cloth down and she saw something that she’d never seen before. Something she didn’t have. He pushed it at her face. She turned her head, fast both ways but it was grabbed. Held. Tight. 

"Do 'er nicely before we give ‘er the full service."

It was stuck it her mouth. And she bit down hard. 

And was hit. Was punched in the face. Blurry. Her sight was fuzzy. Her head spun. Hot liquid in her mouth. 

"That'll teach y’a."

And the pain started. 

Gasp. Gasping for breath. Can’t breathe. Throat full. Trying. To. Breathe. In. 

Her eyes opened. A wall. 

She was lying on a soft thing with soft things around her. 

What? Where? 

A trick. 

Boys were causing her pain. Pain like she never imagined. So where was she?

Darkness. 

Something was sticking into her stomach. She felt for it carefully. Wrapping her fingers of her good hand around it, she felt something and pressed it. Ah! Light! 

Her flash light. How did she forget about this?!?

She held it tight. Turned it off and listened. Listened to make sure she hadn’t been seen. No. No sound. She turned it back on so her eyes could see something. She was scared of the dark. Boys hid in the dark. 

Girl kept the light on until she heard movement. And turned it off. Then a voice. 

"Good morning, Tasha. Would you like to eat breakfast with me?"

Do. Not. Move. 

Voice went away. Girl thought it was familiar. It sounded nice. But nothing was nice. Even Old Woman wasn’t nice. She just took care of Girl. Boys were not nice. They hurt girl. Smashed her. 

A boy on top of her. Ramming himself into her. Pushing. Pushing. Pushing. She felt like she was being stabbed. Her eyes were leaking and she couldn’t see. Choking on hot liquid and her teeth! Her teeth were loose!! Another boy. And another boy. And another. She lost track. Lost sight. Lost feeling. 

Darkness. 

She could feel the pain. She remembered it. Girl was good at remembering. And it hurt. She didn’t want to move. She remembered how much it hurt to move. So she just laid there. On her side. Facing the wall. Under a nice soft cover. But she didn’t remember that when it had happened. That was new. 

A voice. 

"She was too hurt to cry. You know, a heart can be broken, but it keeps beating, just the same."

Hurt. Girl felt hurt. She hurt. But she didn’t. What was happening? 

It was dark. She was so very tired but didn’t want to sleep anymore. So she rolled over. And her body cried out!

Girl's body was tingling with pain! Tightening!! Not nice tingle. She grit her lips together. Squeezed her eyes shut and breathed through the tightening pain in her arm and leg. She remembered this feeling. It came after hiding a long time. Her body would go to rest and need waking up. She shook her leg and arm. Girl endured the pain. And made no sound. 

She remembered that. From Old Woman. "Make no sound, girl. They'll 'ear ya an catch ya."

When it stopped, she stretched out. Arms up. Legs down. Ah. She hadn’t done that for a while. Lying flat, she just breathed. Breathed because she could. She still remembered having the boy’s thing in her mouth. 

Girl shook her head. Get rid of that thought. And rolled over, throwing her legs from the platform she was on. Ah! Soft ground. Nice. Her foot touched something. Her good foot. She looked down but it was dark. 

Ah! In her hand she held a flash light! How did she know that? How had she forgotten it? It wasn’t something she remembered. Or did she? 

Pointing the flash light down, Girl saw there was a vessel on the ground. Oh. Looking in and reaching down to touch it, she felt it was cool liquid. 

Life liquid!! 

She dropped her flash light and picked it up, drinking it down. Quickly. Hungry. So hungry. When did Girl eat last? She couldn’t remember. But this life liquid was the best. Her head had been hurting. Feeling dark. That meant she hadn’t had life liquid for a while. 

Putting the vessel down, she picked her flash light back up and shown it around. She was in a room. There was a layered platform at the end of where she had been laying. She moved to it, searching it. Lotsa cloth. Clean and fresh. She found a flat metal thing. It looked familiar. Turning it over and over, she instinctively pressed something and it lit up. Symbols appeared. She touched them, moving them around. 

“Aaee, Beee, Thee, Dee, Eee,” the Girl recited slowly. Quietly. Barely a breath. Girl remembered this. 

She left the metal thing there to look around more. There was a door. An open door. Carefully, she walked towards it. She could hear sounds. Breathing. Someone sleeping!!! Girl stood in the open doorway and looked in. It couldn’t be Old Woman. She was dead. Many long cycles ago. And her rooms were not this warm. 

Staring at the sleeping person, Girl tried to remember. Come on, Girl, you’re good at remembering. 

She turned away and walked around the room with her flash light on. She found a puzzle, broken up, missing pieces. She found a big soft seat with a platform in front of it. With a soft paper pack. Past that there was a window that showed nothing. Black nothingness. Girl touched the clear window and it was cool so she put her forehead on it to cool her hot mind. Her thoughts were all jumbled. 

What had happened? 

Girl had been seeing too much in her head and was confused now. Seeing boy gang smash her. Feeling it. But it didn’t just happen because Girl wasn’t hurt. Not like she had been. There was no hot fire liquid leaking from her body. And she was dressed and warm. 

She walked away from the window and found another table. A bigger one with seats. There was a dark hole in the wall near it. She touched the smooth black squares. 

Hole in wall. 

Hole in wall makes life liquid. 

Tasha turned around on the spot and remembered! She was in Doctor’s rooms now. She ran back to the open doorway and peered in again. Turning off the flash light to not wake the person, she stared. It was a woman on her side, facing the girl. 

Doctor!! 

Resting. Sleeping. Doctor was sleeping. Tasha watched her. Saw her light head. Her soft mouth not turned up. How many cycles had Tasha been caught up in her inside voices? Her inside sees? 

Tasha had forgotten!!

Her breath was getting quick. She was having trouble breathing again. She turned away quickly and went to the window so she was far from sleeping Doctor. Leaning her head against the window, she tried to breathe like Doctor would show her when she felt like this. 

Breathe slow in. And breathe slow out. In. And out. Slow breathes. Her eyes were leaking. And she was shaking. Tasha turned around and slid down the window to sit against it, dropping her now forgotten flash light. Feeling the coolness against her back. She clenched her eyes shut, trying to stop the leaking life liquid but it ran down her face, dripping onto her hands lying on her legs. 

Flashes of boy faces ran across her eyes. She opened them but was in the darkness of the room. She could hear them in her head. “Gel gel we gonna git ya!”

She shook her head. Rubbed the sight from her eyes. Why was she seeing this again?? Why can’t they leave her alone?? She needs to push these sights away. Push them back to where she doesn’t see them. Doesn’t remember them. Like she had. Where they were only a shadow to remind her to not be stupid. 

Why did they come back?!?

Tasha slouched down, eyes leaking and shook for a while. Her arms loosely by her side. And she shook. Slowly she came back. And she remembered what she had done. She had been bad. 

Very bad. 

She had been bad in front of Doctor. Bad to Doctor. 

Going cold with shame, she put her head in her hands and sat. She had been so so bad. 

*“What’s gotten into you?”*

And now she was certainly in trouble. Would Doctor still want her? Why did she do that? Tasha didn’t even believe Doctor wanted to smash her. To hurt her. And she had acted like that. Old Woman wouldn’t put up with that. Why should Doctor? 

Tasha was terrified she had ruined her new place. Her new room. Her new gang. Ruined getting to stay with Doctor. 

Think. Think. Think. 

Could Girl make it better? Maybe tell Doctor how she felt? What she saw? What had happened to her? 

Yes. Yes! Tell Doctor. She would understand. She had found Girl when she was being smashed by boy gang. Again. Saved her. Took her away. She had to understand. To know that wasn’t the first time it had happened to Girl. 

She had to. 

Wiping her nose and eyes, drying them with her top cloth, Tasha decided that was what she would do. Tell Doctor. In any way she could. She didn’t know all of Doctor’s words but she would try. 

But Doctor was in rest cycle. Tasha would have to wake her up. She scrambled up and walked around in a small circle to calm her mind. To calm her body. Around. 

And around. 

And around. 

She stopped. And she breathed. Slowly. In. And out. 

Doctor woke her up to have breakfast. She remembered. 

*”Good morning, Tasha. Would you like to have breakfast with me?”*

That’s what Doctor had said. Tasha would ask her to have breakfast with her. Breakfast was start of cycle. 

So Tasha walked to the door between their rooms and peeked in. Doctor was asleep on her platform. Breathing. And still. Tasha watched her for a while. The light from the window into darkness made her hair shine light. Made her skin shine. Tasha realized she liked the look of Doctor. She liked looking at Doctor. Even when resting, Doctor looked nice. 

Breathe. 

Tasha was scared. Scared in case Doctor was angry. Mad at Girl for stupid speak. Stupid act. 

Breathe. 

Remember use inside quiet voice. 

“Doctor.”

Nothing. 

“Doctor?”

Nothing. Maybe a little outside voice. 

“Doctor??”

Ah! Movement. Doctor moved her head towards Girl. 

“Come. Breakfatht. Tatha.”

Doctor shook her head. 

“Come. Eat. Break-fatht. Tatha.”

She tried again. Maybe she didn’t say it right. She needed to get the words right. Like Doctor said them. Think. Remember. 

“Doc-tor. Pleathe. Eat. Break-fathtt witttt Tatha.”

She held her hands together. Hoping. Hoping. 

When had Tasha last hoped so much for something? Never. She never wanted so much as Doctor not leaving her. She needed Doctor. She wanted Doctor. She liked Doctor. 

And she didn’t like people. People were mean. Nasty. But not Doctor. 

Please please please. 

Doctor sat up on the side of her platform. Tasha leaned into the room but didn’t step in. Try again. 

“Doc-tor. Pleathe. Eat. Break-fathtt witttt Tatha.”

“Yes, Tasha. I would like to eat breakfast with you.” 

Breathe flowed from the girl’s body. She watched Doctor get off of her platform and walk towards her. The lights went up. Ah, end of dark cycle. So Tasha ran to the hole in wall. She wanted Doctor to know she would get the food for their eat. She quickly turned around and pointed at Doctor’s seat so she would sit in the right place. And she did. So Tasha still had a seat. 

Ah!! But what did Doctor want? She looked to her and raised her hands and eyes. 

“Maybe water, Tasha.”

Ah! Yes, water. Life liquid. For Girl. Yes. 

Tasha looked at hole in wall and spoke to it, “Wa-der pleathe.”

Still as amazing as the first time, a vessel of life liquid appeared from no where. But Tasha didn’t let herself get distracted. She needed to speak with Doctor so she quickly picked it up, ignoring that her body wanted her to drink it and placed it at her spot on the table. She looked to Doctor for what she wanted. 

“A cup of coffee, please.”

So many words. So Tasha spoke slowly, to get it right. “Cup o’ cof-fee pleathe.”

And a different vessel appeared and Tasha moved it to Doctor. It was hot. So she was extra careful. Then she stood straight, looking at Doctor for what she wanted to eat. These were drinks. 

“Omelette with cheese please.”

Ah! Ok. Tasha nodded at Doctor to let her know she heard. Lotsa of sounds there so Tasha thought of it carefully and spoke it to hole in wall. “Om-let wit cheez pleathe.”

Ah!! She got it right. Something appeared from no where and she picked it up with both hands to be careful, moving it to Doctor’s place. She breathed out. 

Doctor looked at her so nicely. Tasha felt hot. She liked it when Doctor looked at her like that. Maybe it was OK. But Tasha needed her meal. She was going to eat whatever Doctor gave her. She pointed at herself and tilted her head. 

“Maybe a bowl of tomato soup for you, Tasha.”

Ah. She nodded at Doctor. Ok. “Bo o toe-maa toe thoop, pleathe,” she said as slowly as she could to say all the sounds. Something appeared so she picked it up carefully and moved it to her spot at the table. She was so scared. 

Scared Doctor was going to get rid of her for the way she had been. Old Woman would have. She would never let Girl act like that. 

Tasha sat down. She breathed. But Doctor was just looking at her. “Eat,” she said so she could get this part out of the way. She needed to try to talk soon. 

Doctor picked up sticks to eat her food. When she started, Tasha looked at her vessel. It was hot liquid. So she brought it near to her and sipped it. Ah. It was good. 

She breathed in. Afraid. Food. Was she going to have to pay for this?? She didn’t like that thought but she sipped it. It was hotter than normal liquid food. But Doctor gave it to her. And she needed to talk to Doctor. It was nice but she so wanted to talk about her remembering sight, she drank it down quickly. Ah, hot. 

It was nice. But Tasha was still scared. Worried. And watched Doctor eat slowly. Eat every bit. Tasha waited. Nervous energy escaping through her swinging feet. She rubbed her legs. Her legs were bare. She had short cloth on and she could see marks on her legs. Marks to remind her of her miserable life she had had. 

“Thank you, Tasha.”

Doctor was nice when she finished. She put her sticks down. And placed her hands on the table. She was done. 

How to talk? What to say? She was thinking of the words she knew. She dropped her head. And spoke so low she could barely hear herself. She was so scared, her words were lost on her breath. 

“Tatha thawry.” 

“What?”

“Tatha thawry.”

She looked up at Doctor, and her eyes were leaking. But she couldn’t stop it. 

"Oh, Tasha, why are you sorry?"

Tasha nodded her eyes around and moved her good hand in a circle, and said, "for what got-ten intoo Tatha." Doctor’s mad words stayed in her head. 

* “What’s gotten into you?”*

Feeling her body was starting to tremble, Tasha dropped her head and looked at her legs again. Used the fire marks to make her strong. She had thought nothing could hurt as much as that had when she had been caught by the boy gang the first time. But now the realization she could loose Doctor made her chest tighten. This was worse. “Don’t be stupid, girl. Think. Think,” she said very quietly in her speak to herself. 

But Doctor spoke to her. Gentle. 

"It’s OK, Tasha. You do not have anything to be sorry about."

"Oh-Kay," Tasha looked up at her, not really understanding what was said but Doctor had spoken so nice and quiet. She thought carefully for words she knew Doctor would know. "Thee. Tatha thee." 

How to say she saw things in her head? 

Tasha pointed at her eyes and touched her head, “Tatha thee.”

Doctor looked at her, like she was listening and said, “Did you dream? When you slept, Tasha?” 

Tasha listened and thought about the words she heard. Slept? Sleep? Almost same. Dream? Did? Maybe dream is sleep see? 

“Thleep? Hmmmm. Dreeem.”

Doctor nodded. Yes! She understood. So Tasha was going to try to tell her. Tasha had never told anyone this. She never had anyone to tell. 

A great big breath in. 

“Many cycles ago, after Old Woman was gone, Girl was walking with food found. Sat down to eat. Forgot to watch. Boy gang came. Lots of them. Um, maybe,” saying in her speak and she counted out on her fingers holding all of them up. There were a lot of boys. More than she could fight off. 

“Tatha want thleep.” She tried to say she was tired in Doctor speak. “Tatha want wad-der,” to say she was hungry. “But no,” she held her hands up. 

But she continued in her speak.

“Boy gang pushed girl. Kicked her. Hit her. Hit Tatha in face and broke teeth. So much fire liquid. Then one boy sat on Tatha and pushed his thing in mouth. It hurt. It hurt much. He cut off my cloth. Kicked me. Then the boys put their things in Tatha. Pushed. Pushed. Pushed. And it hurt.”

“Ow. Ow. Ow,” so Doctor could understand. That had meant hurt before. She held her hands in between her legs to show where it hurt. 

She stopped. Her body took a big breath in and let it out, shaking. Her eyes leaked liquid and she kept doing little jumps. She couldn’t stop. Her words were choking in her throat. 

In her speak, “Tatha hit boy and boy smashed hand.” She held her bad hand up, saying “Ow.”

“Tatha kicked boy but boy stepped on foot, foot broken,” and she made as if stamping on her bad foot, looking up at Doctor so she could see the pain it caused. “Ow ow.” And she put her hands up, “Tatha thleep. Can’t fight no more. And boy gang hurt Tatha. They had things Tatha don’t and hurt with them. In girl part. Pushed it in and smashed Tatha. Smashed Tatha so many times Girl forgot until they kicked and pushed down a hole.”

Her body did the big big breath in again. And shook on the way out. “Girl was broken and left cold.”

Did Doctor understand? She couldn’t see right. Her eyes were blurred with life liquid. The light was sparkling and almost nice to look at. No. Not when she remembered such bad things. 

Did Doctor understand? 

Almost too afraid to look, she took another big breath in and bent down, leaning her head on her knees. So she couldn’t see. And she just breathed. In. And out. In. And. Out. 

Quiet. 

Nothing. 

Did Doctor hear her? She didn’t want to speak it again. Opening her eyes she looked up. Doctor was sitting still. With her eyes closed. And there was life liquid leaking out of them. 

No. 

Girl didn’t mean to make Doctor leak. She didn’t mean to make Doctor feel sad like her. Tasha stood up and stepped the few steps to her. Where she was seated in her chair, it was close to Girl’s. Tasha had liked that. Seated near Doctor. 

She looked at Doctor’s face. Her eyes were closed, softly. Her mouth wasn’t upturned but down and shaking. Her face was wet from life liquid. No. 

No. 

What could Tasha do? She was just a girl. She felt a pain in her chest. 

Standing close enough for their knees to meet, without thinking, Tasha reached out and touched Doctor’s shoulder. And Doctor opened her eyes a little. Wanting to make her feel better, Tasha wiped her fingers across Doctor’s face as gently as she could to wipe the life liquid away. 

And she remembered. Remembered Doctor putting her lips on her head, making her feel warm. Making her feel safe. So Tasha did that. She leant in and put her lips on Doctor’s head above her eyes, feeling the warmth of the woman’s skin before pulling away. 

Now Doctor had her eyes open and Tasha felt she needed to say why she did that, so, “Feel good to Tatha.”

Doctor turned her mouth up and Tasha flooded with warmth. She did something right. She made the woman turn her mouth up again. Doctor placed both her hands on Tasha’s face and said, “Feels good to doctor, too, Tasha.”

Doctor smooth hands softened Tasha’s troubled thoughts and she closed her eyes, loosing control of her breath, her body jumping and she felt her body lean towards the woman. She wanted something. And Doctor pulled her to her and Tasha just let go of her body, falling, falling, folding, sitting up against the woman’s body. And she crumpled. 

Safe. 

She felt her head on Doctor’s soft chest and could hear her heart beat. She was warm and gentle. She smelled clean and like flowers. Tasha breathed out and began to shake. Her eyes leaked and she couldn’t stop herself. Something from deep down came up and made Tasha shake even more. Her chest hurt. And all the time, Doctor kept her arms around her, placing her head on her head and moved back and forth so slowly. So gently. Whispering words while the girl shook. 

“It’s OK. It will be OK, Tasha. You are safe now. No one will hurt you here. I’ve got you, Tasha.”

So she shook for a while until Tasha felt the movements calm her thoughts. Calm her mind. Doctor’s soft words seeped through her consciousness. To calm her soul. 

So nice. 

She relaxed. Breathed with Doctor’s heart beat. Slow and steady. 

And she fell asleep. With out inside sights. She wasn’t chased by boy gangs. But she thought she was a small cloth person being cuddled by a little girl. A little girl who hadn’t lost her way yet. But she was warm. 

And she was safe. 

“My sweet girl.”


	43. Safely Teetering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am now caught up with Tasha’s story with the Doctor’s so will return to Dr Pulaski. I hope the rape story part didn’t turn anyone off. I did write Tasha’s first gang rape to know what to refer to in her dreams/memories but haven’t posted it. It will return in hints as she remembers it. 
> 
> I love both characters. If there is something I am missing or something you would like me to address, let me know. Otherwise I will just keep exploring my view of Tasha’s rescue and discovery. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support. ☺️

Sleep. 

So hard to get. 

Deep. And warm. And soft. 

Tasha woke quietly and gently. Something she wasn’t used to. 

Opening her eyes, she saw the light was low. 

Slowly lifting her head, she found she wasn’t on her platform. Or in any dirty cold alley. She was on her front on a big platform. Soft and warm. And there was someone next to her. 

She turned her head. Slowly. And she saw Doctor. Ah! Doctor! Doctor had saved her. Took her in. And gave her safety. 

Tasha put her head down to just look. Look at Doctor. Sleeping next to her. Doctor must have put her here, on her platform, because Tasha would not have just laid here. What had happened?

What had happened? 

Ah. 

Tasha had told Doctor of boy gang. And how they hurt her. And then she fell against Doctor’s body and, oh, must have fallen into rest. Cause here she was now on Doctor’s platform. Warm. 

Safe. 

She looked at Doctor. Doctor was resting and her face was smooth. Soft. Without thinking, Tasha reached out to touch her head but stopped. She didn’t want to wake her up. Doctor had taken care of Tasha and she wanted her to rest. She looked nice. 

Doctor looked relaxed. Tasha saw her light colored head. Her mouth smooth. No crinkle lines around her eyes. 

So she just laid there. Encompassed in the softness and warmth of Doctor’s platform. It was even better than her’s. It smelled so clean and fresh. But then she could smell herself. And Girl didn’t smell so fresh. Ah! Maybe get out before Girl ruins it. 

Slowly. And gently Tasha turned over and slid out of the soft covers. Slowly. So not to wake Doctor. Next to the platform she saw her flash light. And a vessel. Peering inside, she saw it was life liquid! Ah! Doctor must have put it there for her so she picked it up and drank it down. 

Ah!!

So nice. Life liquid was the best. Water. Must remember it’s water. 

Water. 

Thank you, Doctor!, she thought. Always thinking of girl. She looked back to Doctor sleeping. Doctor was nice. 

Tasha felt better. She checked herself over. She wasn’t hurt. She wasn’t in pain. She hadn’t been smashed. Again. 

So she picked up her flash light and moved away from Doctor’s platform as quietly as she could. Leave Doctor to rest. Tasha went to pee room first and used that. She hoped she hadn’t peed herself in her jumble of thoughts. But she couldn’t remember. She knew she hadn’t been to pee room for a few cycles. Whatever, she cleaned her hands and walked quietly through Doctor’s room back to her’s. 

But she stopped and looked back through the door. Doctor was sleeping on her side. She had been facing Girl when she was on the platform. Almost like she was looking out for her even when resting. Tasha felt warmth inside. She felt like she was lucky to have been saved by Doctor. Because really, Doctor could have found any of the people on her place that needed saving. But Doctor found and picked her. 

Yes. Tasha was lucky. 

She tried to turn her mouth up like Doctor did but couldn’t figure out what to move on her face. Ah! She lifted her shoulders and turned around to see what had happened in her room while she had been distracted by inside sees. 

While she was being stupid and lost in past sight. 

Oh! The table was full of vessels. These were vessels from when she asked Doctor to eat with her. So Tasha moved them to the hole in wall where they would magically disappear. To make things right. So she cleaned them up. Hole in wall was amazing!! Ate the vessels up. And they were gone!

Tasha then stood in the middle of the room and looked around. 

What did she want? 

Water. 

So Tasha went back and asked the replicator for a cup of water. She drank it. And replicated another. And drank that. And another. She felt like she could have as much as she wanted. So she stopped. 

Ah!! Nice. 

Leaving the last vessel on the table, she looked around, she saw where she was putting her latest puzzle together and went there. Good distraction. Puzzle was good for her mind while she waited for Doctor to wake up. Looking at it, her puzzle was all messed up. It had been ripped up and she was certain pieces were missing. Big pieces. She stared at it. Trying to remember. 

Yes! Oh crap. She had ripped it up. Stupid girl! Tasha remembered. Why did she do that?? She liked her puzzle. So she turned around and looked at the soft ground. She felt she needed to find all the pieces before Doctor woke up. She wanted Doctor to know she still wanted to be a part of her gang, even after her stupid acts these last few cycles. 

Pieces. 

She found some pieces and stood, placing them in their place before continuing her search for more. 

Pieces. 

And she picked up some more and placed them carefully back where they belonged. 

Still more were missing. 

Looking up, she breathed out. Lots were missing. She walked over to the open doorway and peered in. Doctor had turned over and was on her back, still sleeping. So Tasha still had time to find all the pieces to make Doctor turn her mouth up at her. 

Turning around, Tasha could see them on the floor. So she got down on her hands and knees and searched for them. All of them. Picking each piece up. She was speaking, “Ah, hereth a piece. And here. And here.”

She didn’t realize she was speaking Doctor’s speak. 

“Hereth one.”

“Hereth one.”

She moved across the soft ground, carefully picking up her puzzle pieces so she could put it back together. 

“And here. And here. Ah!”

She was under the table. 

“Here.”

“Tasha. What are you doing?”

“OH!” 

Doctor was awake and was talking to her. 

“Ah!” She sat back on her bottom. Her head hit the underneath of the table. “Ow.” She rubbed her short soft head. Ah, she had to show Doctor she was looking for her pieces she had stupidly thrown about. So she crawled out to Doctor, holding the pieces tightly in her hand. She stood up in front of Doctor, holding her hand out with all the pieces she had found.

“Thee?”

Tasha kept her hand out but over the other one, and said, “piethes all round,” meaning Doctor needed to know she had to have all of them. But when she moved her hands out turning, some of the pieces fell. 

“Oh!”

Loosing some, she quickly bent down to get them. She heard Doctor do her body rumble noise and felt good. Tasha was starting to think body rumble noise was a sign that she was OK and safe here. That Doctor was happy with her. But she wasn’t sure. So she picked up all the pieces, counting them in her speak, and went back to her puzzle. 

Tasha placed a piece and turned to Doctor. Big Woman was seated and drinking from a vessel. Slowly. Tasha wondered what she was drinking. It wasn’t a water vessel. And Doctor drank slow. It made Tasha thirsty. Very thirsty. So she dropped her pieces on the puzzle platform and walked to the hole in wall. 

Because she was allowed. She stood straight. 

Tasha asked the hole in wall for a vessel of water. And it appeared. So she drank it. She put the vessel back and it disappeared. The hole ate it. She was still so amazed by this that she asked for another vessel of water to just drink and put it back. And again, the vessel disappeared!! So Tasha asked for another, drank it, put it back and again, it disappeared!!! 

What was this hole in wall?? 

Not only did it make things from nothing, it took things and ate them, making them disappear. Back to nothing!

She was about to ask for another vessel of life liquid when Doctor spoke to her. She knew that because she said her name first. 

“Tasha, you don’t have to drink so much water at once.”

Tasha looked at Doctor and thought. What did she say? Tasha. Well, she was speaking to her. Drink?? Water?? Was Doctor thinking about Girl asking for water and drinking it? Well, Tasha knew she needed it. It was good for her. And it filled her stomach so that it wouldn’t ache. 

So Tasha looked at Doctor and pulled up her top cloth, and patted where the life liquid was now, to show she was full and feeling good. “Wa-der!”

“Hmmm, yes you have water in your belly,” Doctor replied. 

Tasha thought about that. Yes! She did! For some reason, belly was a word she understood. 

She tried to do the body rumble sound Doctor did. “Ha ha. Tatha hath wa-der belly!” And she patted her stomach, looking up at Doctor, trying to lift her mouth. She felt good and wanted to share it with Doctor. Especially after how she acted the last few cycles. And she wasn’t disappointed. Doctor lifted her mouth at Tasha and reached out, pulling her top cloth down. 

“Tasha,” said Doctor, then she messed the girl’s short soft head. “You need a shower.”

Tasha understood shower. ONOFF! But she liked Doctor touching her head. She spun around, looking up for Doctor’s hand but she had taken it away. Tasha felt light. So she left the room for the pee room, only stopping at her platform to hide her flashlight. “Wa-Der belly,” she said and tried to do body rumble again quietly. 

Once in pee room, she didn’t waste time. She knew she needed to clean as she did smell bad. And her cloth wasn’t fresh anymore. So she touched the ON black spot and the wondrous fall of water came down. Tasha took her cloth off and climbed in, standing under and letting it wet her head and soak her body. 

“Ah.”

It felt so good. How did she forget about this the last few cycles? She realized her body was aching and this was making it feel better. So she just stood under the fall of water, closing her eyes. Loosing her thoughts. She remembered being dirty and wanting to clean but there was no where to do that. Even with Old Woman, there wasn’t enough life liquid to clean much. So any mud and yuck stuff she got on herself would just dry and she would try to scrape it off. And that hurt sometime. Made her skin rough and scratchy. But she got used to her smell as she didn’t notice it. Didn’t notice it until she arrived here. And everything smelled so nice. Now she didn’t want to smell bad anymore. Tasha wanted to be a clean girl. 

So she got some of the cleaning liquid and scrubbed hard, getting rid of the awfulness of the past few cycles and cleaning her short soft head to wipe the sights from her eyes. Before she knew it she was climbing out of the ONOFF, hitting the OFF spot and walked back to her room for fresh clean cloth to put on. So she would be clean and fresh. 

And Doctor would want her to stay. 

Tasha was at her bed when she heard Doctor and was pulled from her reverie. 

“Tasha! What have I told you about walking around without your clothes on?”

Tasha looked at Doctor. She was speaking louder than usual. But what did she say?? Cloth? “Ah,” Tasha didn’t know. She threw her arms up and said so, “Tatha, no no.”

But Doctor knew because she told Tasha. “You don’t because someone could be here. And I am sure there are towels in that bathroom.” And Doctor left the room. 

Just a little, Tasha was worried she was in trouble. Doctor had talked too loud and left the room. Not good combination, Tasha thought. She stood still, knowing now she was naked and wet with life liquid but she was afraid to move. The girl had forgotten to get big soft cloth in pee room to wipe up water. She didn’t want to make Doctor more angry. 

Suddenly Doctor came back in with a big soft cloth and she dropped it over Tasha’s head. “Ah!” Tasha was surprized!!! She made noise and grabbed the cloth. But Doctor moved it around her body, wiping up the life liquid and then left it over her head. 

Was Doctor playing with her? She made a noise because she felt happy and pulled the cloth off of her head, seeing Doctor standing in front of her. Looking at her with an upturned mouth. Looking at her nicely. 

And she tried to make the same face. Because she felt happy. Tasha couldn’t remember many times when she felt happy. 

Almost none. 

“Put your clothes on,” Doctor said, still with an upturned mouth. 

Tasha blinked at her and looked to her layered platform because she heard cloth and on. As she didn’t have any cloth on, she knew Doctor wanted her to put some on. She looked through her top clothes but there were none of Doctor’s gang color. And that was important to Tasha. Especially now because of how she acted. She still couldn’t believe Doctor wasn’t angry with how she acted to her. 

No gang colored top cloth so she picked out a tight bottom cloth and a loose long bottom cloth. She didn’t know why, but Doctor had showed her these tight bottom cloth that went under cloth. She never had these things before but Tasha found she liked them. Made her body feel more safe, wearing them under her bottom cloth. And Doctor had given her lots of them. So she could change them each cycle. Stay clean. Stay fresh. Stay safe. 

But there still wasn’t another gang colored top cloth. She had been wearing that during her bad cycles and it was in the pee room. So Tasha put the bottom clothes on and went back to the pee room to get her top cloth. Walking back to Doctor, she held it up and asked, “Tatha?” 

Tasha wanted to know if she could keep wearing it. 

But Doctor said no. And took it from her. 

Tasha felt she was being pushed out of Doctor’s gang and breathed out heavily. Her chest hurt. She had brought this on herself with her bad words and acts. But she returned to her layered platform and searched through her top cloth and found one almost the same color but different. She pulled it on and looked back to Doctor, worried. But Doctor talked to her. 

“Do you want breakfast, Tasha?”

Girl knew breakfast as Doctor had asked her this many times in her stupid cycles. Girl had asked Doctor to have it with her. But she didn’t want to eat. If she was being pushed out of the gang, she was even more afraid of what she’d have to pay for food. 

So she said, “Tatha had wa-der.”

“That’s not breakfast. Will you eat some scrambled eggs?” 

Doctor said no. So Tasha had to eat to even try to stay in her gang. She also offered something else but Tasha didn’t understand. But she felt she had to try it or risk being sent away. Being sent back to her place. Being sent back to be hurt. 

No. That wasn’t an option. 

No. 

She didn’t want that. She didn’t want to be hurt again. 

“Um, OK.” 

Doctor nodded and Tasha moved to the table and sat in her seat. At least she still had a seat. She put her hands on the table and looked around. She was nervous. She was going to have to eat whatever Doctor gave her. And hope she wouldn’t have to pay after. 

She was scared. 

Doctor placed a flat vessel before her with something fluffy and the color of the light cycle sphere. Tasha smelled it. It was nice so she ate it, picking it up with her fingers, before she thought about it. 

It was very good. 

Tasha ate it quickly, before it could be taken away. It was warm in her belly. She licked the rest from her fingers. 

“Datth gooood,” she said. And meant it. Maybe eating with Doctor wasn’t bad. But she had to find out if she would have to pay for this. And it was so much better than the food she had gotten from that man who made her pay. Made her hurt. 

Doctor said, “That’s not dats. Would you like more?”

More? No? Afraid of what would be expected...

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

What did she ask? The answer was no. Still no. So, “Yeth.” 

She wasn’t sure why she needed to say that but she did. Something came back from long ago of what she knew. 

Doctor just gave in. “Alright then. Blah blah blah blah blah blah.” And moved the vessels to the hole to disappear. She was too calm. 

Doctor was too accepting of her refusal and Tasha felt uneasy. Even though it was many many many cycles ago, she was used to Old Woman accusing her of stealing from her. Of hiding things. Of lying to her. So Tasha thought Doctor was expecting more. More explanation. 

She dropped her head. Swung her legs in anticipation of being chastised. She very much remembered the pain from being caught by the boy gang when she lost Old Woman and didn’t want to feel anything like that. And she knew Doctor was strong in her gang and didn’t want to lose her. Tasha did not want to be on the wrong side. 

Speaking. Doctor was speaking. “Tasha? Are you OK?”

What? She shouldn’t be asking Tasha that. Tasha looked up at Doctor. But Doctor’s eyes were sad, not angry. So Tasha sat back in her seat, dropping her hands on her legs, defenceless. 

*Am I OK?*

“Um, yea,” she said. But she wasn’t. Was she? 

“Tasha?”

Tasha’s heart twisted and hurt. She wined. What happened? She had been so happy a moment ago playing with Doctor and big soft cloth. Now she felt scared and nervous. She tried to wipe the bad sights from her eyes and rubbed her hands on her legs. 

“Tasha, do you want to talk about it?”

Doctor was still looking at her, sad and nice. That’s not supposed to happen. Why? She hurt inside and curled up to her legs, hiding her face because she was confused. She had been bad and nothing happened to her. Yet. 

Something touched her back. Lightly and softly. Doctor’s voice. Gentle. “Tasha, tell me what’s wrong.”

Tasha looked at Doctor, on the floor next to her. Why did Doctor lower herself to girl’s level? She was higher. She was bigger. She was in control. So why did she come down? Old Woman made sure girl knew her place. Knew she slept on the hard paper packs. In the cold corner. Ate only what she was given even though Girl had found it. 

“Why you not like Old Woman?” Tasha asked quietly, in her voice. So quiet she only heard herself in her head. Doctor just looked at her nicely. 

Not right. 

Something was wrong. 

Tasha got up. Got off the chair. Moved away from Doctor. 

Something was going to happen. Bad. Something bad had to be waiting to happen to Girl. It always did. Always. 

She walked around in a circle without thinking. 

Always. 

Flashes. Light flashed across her eyes when she was slapped by Old Woman for returning too late with her finds. With her food. It was dark cycle and she was late. “Wut, girl? Ya try en run off? Ya kip food fer yerself?”

No. 

NO! Tasha had just gotten lost and had to hide from a boy gang. 

NO NO!! 

But Old Woman wouldn’t listen to Girl. “Ya try en steal, girl. Don you lie to me.”

No. NO! 

Tasha didn’t want to see this. This was bad inside sees of Old Woman. She wasn’t bad. Old Woman had saved her. Kept her safe. But she was mean. 

Without realizing, Tasha had bent down, wrapping her arms around her head, hiding. Hiding from her eyes. 

No no no no. 

Without Old Woman, Tasha had nothing. She lost being safe. And was stupid. Was caught. 

“Tasha. My sweet girl.”

But now there was Doctor. And Doctor was nice. Tasha felt her inside tremble. Her body go weak. Lost its strength. And she was falling. 

Falling. 

But she was caught. 

Warm arms around her shaking body. Gentle touches to her short soft head. Cool whispers in her ears, “Shhh, it’s alright, Tasha. It’s OK.”

Doctor. 

Doctor had caught her. Had her arms around her. Kept her from falling to the ground. 

Doctor wasn’t mad at her. For whatever reason, she was ok with girl after her bad acts. Tasha began to relax. Let her tension leave. She began to hum while she thought of how to talk to Doctor. Tell her what she felt. 

What she saw. 

“Thee. Tatha thee,” Tasha told Doctor and hit her head to say her sees were inside. Doctor took hold of Tasha’s hand, softly. Gently. And held it. Doctor’s hands were so soft. 

Doctor spoke lots. And Girl didn’t understand. She looked up at the Big Woman and opened her mouth but didn’t know how to reply. 

“Tasha sees hurt in here,” and Doctor placed her finger on girl’s head above her eye. Where she sees inside sees. 

Yes!!! Doctor understands!

“Yeth, ow. Ow. Hurt Tatha. No good.” Because even though it happened long cycles ago, Tasha still felt the hurt. The pain. The noise. And it wouldn’t leave her alone. 

Then Doctor put her mouth on Tasha’s head. Just above her eyes and held it there for a moment. 

Still. Quiet. 

That moment felt like a life time. Ah, a lifetime of smooth silence. And the girl had only a short lifetime. But that touch, that warmth, that feeling of Doctor’s mouth on her head stopped that time. 

And she remembered something like it from long ago. So long ago. 

“Does that hurt?”

Her eyes wide, “What dat?”

“It’s a kiss.”

“Kith? Kith feel good,” and it did. Something new. Something else new that Doctor showed Tasha. 

“Yes, kisses feel good,” and Doctor kissed Tasha again above her eye. Gently and softly. She looked the girl in the eyes, “You kissed me last night.”

Tasha remembered. She did that to Doctor when she looked too sad and had life liquid leaking from her eyes. Tasha remembered Doctor kissing head when she was being tickled and felt so good. Tasha remembered. 

She remembered Doctor was nice to her. Not bad. 

Not mean. 

“Tatha no dat,” she said quickly, a little hot from seemingly forgotten. The girl was good at remembering. 

“THAT not dat.”

But she forgot THAT. 

But Tasha forgot then to care about forgetting or remembering because this very moment was what she wanted. Being wrapped in Doctor’s arms against her warm soft body and feeling like she mattered. Forgetting all of the hurt from before and feeling whole and safe. 

And Doctor didn’t want anything but to hold the girl. She knew that. Now. She could feel that. Now. For a moment, her busy little mind and body were quiet and still. And she forgot everything. 

She breathed. 

Quiet. 

Still. 

Then her inside sees came to life and she needed to move. To stay safe. Can’t be in one place too long! “If yer lazy, girl, ya’l git found and caught, then ya’l be hurt.”

Tasha squirmed out of Doctor’s hold and went to her puzzle to calm her thoughts again. She couldn’t speak anymore. She needed something to do. And so much of her puzzle had been destroyed by her during her bad acts. She needed to fix it. 

The girl didn’t notice Doctor look at her sadly, and sigh. Didn’t see her pick up her gang colored top cloth and leave the room. Didn’t realize she was gone and then came back. 

Her puzzle needed to be put back together. It needed to be fixed. If she could fix this, Tasha knew she would feel better. 

“Tasha, do you want to come to sickbay with me?”

Ah, Doctor. She turned to Doctor, dropping her puzzle piece. She couldn’t figure out where it went anyway. Doctor was dressed strongly in her gang cloth. She was boss again. Doctor asked girl if she wanted to come with her. And she wanted to stay with Doctor. Needed to stay with Doctor. Shaking a little because she was scared as she needed Doctor so much. 

“Yeth, pleathe.”

She was getting another chance. She breathed. 

“Okay, Tasha. It will be alright.” 

And Doctor looked at her so nicely with her upturned mouth, Tasha felt again in a good place. So she walked over to stand next to the Big Woman, to get her strength. 

“You ready?”

How was she so strong? Looking up at the Big Woman, Tasha nodded her head, unsure of her voice. Ah!

Her flashlight! She needed her flashlight! Especially if they were walking out in covered alleys full of other people. Tasha ran to her platform and grabbed the light from under her soft thing, tucking it out of sight under her cloth. 

Yes. She could protect Doctor and went back to her in the middle of the room. 

Doctor turned her mouth up, and Tasha felt she was happy with her for remembering her flashlight. “That’s my brave sweet girl.”

“Let’s go,” Doctor said with energy and walked to the door. As it opened, Tasha remembered to follow and ran to her. 

“I’m not going to leave you, Tasha.”

Not sure what Doctor said, but Tasha felt the words were of a promise to her. That she was safe here with Doctor and she wanted to show that she knew now. She couldn’t put her arms around Doctor. Not yet. But she could put her head on her, like she did before. 

So she stood close to the woman and leant her head towards her arm, touching her briefly and breathed in the clean fresh smell she now knew was Doctor. She stayed close all the way through the alleys and the little room that moved. All the way to “sickbay” where she had met Doctor first those many cycles ago. 

When she had been a broken, dirty little girl. And Doctor saved her. 

The bright lights and clean everything made her feel better.


	44. Holding Onto Safety

After the first shift being back in sickbay, they walked back through the corridors to the turbo lift. Tasha had been very quiet. As they waited for a lift to arrive, Tasha just took her hand. 

The child just reached out without looking and took the doctor’s left hand with her right one. Holding tight. 

Tasha didn’t look up at doctor. She didn’t give any clue she was going to do it. She just did. 

And Dr Pulaski gently closed her hand around the girl’s. Without making a big deal of it. And during the turbo lift ride, Tasha’s hand shook and became a little sweaty but the doctor kept a light hold of it. 

When the lift doors opened, there was a gentle tug on her hand to indicate Tasha wanted out of the small room so the doctor moved quickly and the hold relaxed again. Dr Pulaski was amazed at how much she could read through Tasha’s hand hold as they continued their walk to their quarters. There were gentle tugs in different directions when crew would approach. But Tasha’s gaze never met the doctor’s. 

The link was lost when they reached their quarters. Tasha ran to the door to hit the open button on the LCARS display and entered the room. Dr Pulaski suddenly missed her warm little hand in her’s. 

But when she entered their quarters, Tasha was standing there with big eyes and an open mouth. And that would have healed the universe. 

*She’s trying to smile at me.*

Dr Pulaski was sure of it. So she smiled back. 

With just a mention of a shower, Tasha shouted “ONOFF,” and ran to the bathroom to bathe. Dr Pulaski laughed and shook her head but left the child to play. Thinking it was so soon after her remembering her assault, she just replicated water and a nutrient drink for her. But a vegetable based salad for herself. Just in case Tasha wanted to try it. 

Tasha came running back in from the bathroom like there was a fire. When she saw Dr Pulaski she stopped. She looked at her, cocked her head and just said “Oh-Kay.” 

The child had her towel wrapped around her and went to her shelves, searching through it. She decided on some clothes before getting dressed. By then the doctor had turned away, to give the girl some privacy. She was made aware the child was done by a tug on her uniform sleeve. Tasha was dressed for bed and ready, wearing the blue t-shirt she had cleaned for her. 

The doctor smiled big time at her. She was so cute with her very serious face. 

Tasha sat in the seat she always sat in without asking and waited for the doctor to sit down before drinking her meal. She sat patiently and watched the doctor eat her salad without saying anything. Tasha didn’t speak a word at dinner and was much more quiet than normal. No questions. No mumbling. Nothing. And she stood up to put her own cups back into the replicator when they were all done. 

Dr Pulaski thought maybe they could sit on the sofa and read together so she moved to the table and picked up her book. But Tasha went to her bed. Again without any words and curled up. 

Dr Pulaski just watched her. Ok. The girl didn’t seem upset. What was wrong? But the woman was not going to push Tasha. She’ll come to her when she needs. 

*I just need to be here for her when she does.*

“Good night, Tasha.” And Dr Pulaski went to her bedroom and changed. And went to sleep. 

Sounds. 

Moving. Walking. Mumbling. 

Dr Pulaski got up and went to Tasha’s room. She was walking around in circles unaware, walking in her sleep. The doctor carefully woke her and put her back to bed with a kiss to her forehead. 

Dr Pulaski woke up to a short scream. She ran out to find Tasha standing by her bed, hyperventilating and sweating. She rubbed her shoulders and spoke to her gently, trying to bring her back to now. Tasha nodded at her and climbed back into her bed and curled up and fell asleep. Dr Pulaski watched her for about thirty minutes before returning to her bed just in case. 

Dr Pulaski fell back to sleep. 

Screaming. 

Oh, Tasha! 

The doctor quickly climbed out of bed and ran to the child in the other room. Tasha was sitting up and crying, shaking. She wasn’t seeing this room though. Dr Pulaski could tell by her blank terrified stare. So she sat on the side of Tasha’s bed and smoothed her hair down. She whispered to the child, “It’s OK,” as she fell forward, collapsing her body onto her legs. So Dr Pulaski rubbed her back. 

Tasha just seemed to cry, shake and she hiccupped. Slowly, slowly the child began to still but stayed folded forward on her legs as the doctor continued to rub her back. She wondered if Tasha would get any sleep tonight as it seemed all of her memories were so fresh in her mind and tormenting her. 

“Tasha, why don’t you come in and sleep with me,” she said without thinking. 

But perhaps that would be a good idea? Maybe Tasha would feel safe and relax to get some sleep. 

The girl sat up, wiping her eyes and nose with her forearm. Her eyes scrunched up. She just started shaking her head no without making a sound. But she looked so unhappy.

Unhappy and scared. 

“Come on, my sweet girl.”

So Dr Pulaski stood up, rolled the blanket from her skinny body and picked up the girl’s hand in her own. Like she had done in the corridor.“Come on.”

With a gentle tug, Tasha looked at the hands and slid off of her bed, following the doctor to the other room, and when ushered on, climbed onto the other side of the doctor’s bed, laying her head down slowly onto the pillow. Her bleary blue eyes gazed up at her. Dr Pulaski smiled down at the tired child, tucked the blanket up around her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. She went to the bathroom and got a cool damp cloth and returned to Tasha. Dr Pulaski gently wiped her face clean. And left it briefly on her forehead before removing it. She smiled at the girl. 

Just in case, the doctor went out and replicated Tasha a cup of water and retrieved her flash light from under her pillow, where she kept it, and brought them back to the bedroom, to leave on the side table for her should she need it. Placing them down, she smiled at the watchful gaze she was receiving from Tasha. She turned the lamp down low and resisted the urge to stroke the child’s hair. 

Dr Pulaski could feel Tasha follow her with her eyes as she walked back around to the other side and get in. She could feel the girl turn over to keep watching her as she got comfortable and asked the computer to turn the light off. Quietly, she said, “ Good night, Tasha.”

“Night, Doc-tor.” 

Just a whisper. Not the usual loudness of her unused voice. And the doctor could feel Tasha watching her. So she turned over and was met with the curious gaze of the little girl she rescued just over a month ago from that broken, filthy colony. Tasha held a mix of wonder and fear in the shadows of her eyes. Anxiety was creasing her mouth. Nerves were pulling the top of the blanket tight around her. 

“Are you OK, Tasha?”

It took a while for the girl to answer. She looked down. Closed her eyes. Breathed out heavily a few times. Looked back at the doctor, with a seriousness that made her seem older than she was. Her eyes clear and focused. 

“Tatha feel good wit Doc-tor.”

Tasha spoke so quietly. Dr Pulaski smiled at her, very glad she felt good with her. But Tasha looked like she was trying to think what to say so she waited. 

“Tatha Oh-Kay. No Oh-Kay wit thee,” Tasha said and touched her forehead. Her eyebrows turned up, anxious and worried. 

What was she worried about? What was she trying to say?

“Do you want to try to tell me, Tasha?” Dr Pulaski kept her voice as quiet as the child’s to keep the serene, calm atmosphere that was here in her bedroom. 

Tasha eyes widen and began to tear up. She clenched them shut for a few moments and opened them again. Her gaze left the doctor’s and looked up at the ceiling. She was thinking. Thinking about something very hard. 

*Does she not know what she wants to say? Or does she not know how to say it?*

Dr Pulaski waited patiently for Tasha to decide what she wanted. 

Then the girl looked again directly at the doctor, eyes bright with unshed tears. She said, “Doc-Tor,” so softly Dr Pulaski almost missed it but waited for Tasha’s next words. 

“Food give Tatha hurt Tatha. Ow. Ow. No feel good. Tatha no want food.”

Suddenly, Tasha began to cry. Cry in her own way where her eyes would tear up, she would begin to hiccup and have trouble breathing. And she would shake. Her skinny body would shake so much. But she never made a noise. She was conditioned to stay silent and not make any sound. 

Dr Pulaski’s heart broke. 

What did Tasha say? What did she mean? She was talking about her dreams. Her “sees” inside her head as she seemed to call them. She was given food and it hurt her. Given food and it didn’t feel good. So she didn’t want food. These were all words the girl had picked up the last few weeks. So she was trying to put her thoughts and feelings into word using what she had learned from the doctor. And Doctor understood that at some point, Tasha was given food by someone and they hurt her. 

Dr Pulaski’s eyes started to tear up. 

She was hurt for accepting food. Dr Pulaski could only think it was a man and he had given Tasha food expecting something in return. Something he took. Something that hurt her. 

*Oh, my sweet girl.*

That must be why she looks terrified every time food is offered to her. Tasha thinks she’s going to be hurt for accepting. 

Dr Pulaski reached out to the crying child, and gently wiped the tears from her face. She smiled sadly at her wishing she could take this pain away. These memories. Tasha looked at her through her quiet sobs. 

“Oh, Tasha. Food here will never hurt you. Whomever gives it to you, Tasha.” 

But Tasha didn’t respond. She closed her eyes and sobbed a bit more before trying to get it under control. She breathed in deep, slow in. And slow out. And held her breath. Then slow breath in and slow breath out. She rubbed her hand on the pillow top and finally seemed to still. With her eyes still closed, the girl just said, “Tatha Oh-Kay.” 

Before the doctor could respond, Tasha curled her legs up to her facing Dr Pulaski and squeezed her eyes shut. And she just breathed. 

That was it. Tasha was done talking. And she shut down. 

But Dr Pulaski knew the girl was safe so she just gazed at her while the tiny body relaxed with her measured and controlled breathes. Then she gently wiped the tears from her cheeks, saying “Oh, Tasha,” very quietly. 

She kissed her forehead, “Good night, my sweet girl.”

And stayed on her side, watching while Tasha slowly fell asleep. Her body, her face, and her energy slowly, slowly fell into a slumber. And the child looked relaxed. She looked serene. She looked at peace. 

But she couldn’t take her eyes off of her. 

This young woman captivated her. Only a month on board and she had learned enough to communicate rudimentarily with her. Using simple words. Using gestures. 

And she was beautiful. 

Dr Pulaski woke first. Or so she believed. If Tasha had woken during the rest of the night, she didn’t wake her. But she looked over and saw the girl soundly asleep. She was again lying on her side facing the doctor. But in that strange way of her’s. Arms and legs straight and somehow balanced on her side. Her mouth was open and she was drooling ever so slightly. 

She smiled. 

And slid out of bed as carefully as she could. Tasha didn’t even roll over. 

She saw the cup of water hadn’t been drunk, so the girl definitely hadn’t woken up. A good sign. So she replaced the cup with a fresh cool cup. Tasha liked cool water. 

She used the bathroom and went back to the living area, got a cup a coffee and began looking at what was in store today for her at her desk. 

And in the back of her mind, was what Tasha had told her last night. Of being abused for food. 

Her heart broke and raged at the same time.


	45. Holding On For Safety

After all the weird inside sees Tasha had, she was tired. She went with Doctor to sickbay and spent the cycle there. When they were leaving, Doctor found her sitting under her table with her PADD and said, “Come along, Tasha.” 

Well, Girl heard her name and got up. Doctor was speaking to her. She followed her out of sickbay. And then they waited at the door to the small room that moved. Tasha didn’t like this room. Even after travelling in it so many times. It was a fake room. It looked normal but it wasn’t. It moved. It scared her. 

She was only thinking of her fear of the moving room. 

So she reached out and took hold of Doctor’s hand. And held it tight. Held it for the short time in the room that moved. Safe. Through the covered alleys to their rooms. She felt safe holding Doctor’s hand. 

Then Tasha let go. 

She stopped holding onto Doctor and felt free. 

But she still felt the link. 

She still felt the warmth and the safety. 

But she wasn’t holding on. Onto Doctor. 

She ran to their door and opened it up, running inside. She turned around. 

And Doctor was still there. Turning her mouth up at her. Tasha tried to turn her mouth up. 

And she got to get under the ONOFF. It made her fresh. She enjoyed it and came back. She acknowledged Doctor saying “Oh-Kay” and went to her layered platform. Ah! Doctor gave it back! Her gang colored cloth. She was still part of Doctor’s gang. Holding it up to her face, it smelled nice again. Fresh. So she put her bloo top cloth on but she felt so tired. She felt funny. She was low but she didn’t hurt. She felt flat. But she ate with Doctor and put her own vessels back in the hole in wall. She was tired so she just went and climbed on her platform to rest. Doctor understood and went to her room. 

The girl curled over on her side and fell asleep. 

Tasha kept waking up in inside sees. But she was OK. She woke up moving around but it was inside sees. She screamed and woke up. But it was inside sees. Doctor was always there when she woke up. All of her inside sees were scaring her. But she couldn’t tell Doctor properly. 

But Doctor was there. Every time. Standing. Sitting. Talking. Saving. Doctor was there. And Girl went back to sleep. 

*It was a dark cycle. Girl didn’t get back to the rooms in time and had to hide. She didn’t want to think about it, but she was lost. And then she remembered she didn’t have rooms anymore. Old Woman was dead and men took rooms away. So it was just Girl now. Alone.*

*All cycle she had been searching. Looking. Trying to find food. And now she was so hungry. It was cycles ago she found anything and that hadn’t been very much.*

*Curled up under some fallen stones in the tunnel, the ground was rough and cold. She shivered. Trying to ignore the tightness in her stomach and the darkness in her head, Girl rubbed her arms with her hands. She had nothing.*

Tasha opened her eyes. She had fallen asleep sitting against the window into nothingness. She was cold and shaking. Ah! She had woken up seeing boy gang in her head and walked around her room to get rid of it. She must have sat down and fell back to rest. Her head felt dark from the inside sees so she scrambled up and went to the hole in wall for some water. At times like this, she was glad she had all the life liquid she could drink. She drank two vessels, placing each back carefully so it could be eaten back up. 

Gone. 

Then remembering her inside see of being alone and cold, Tasha moved quietly to the open door between her’s and Doctor’s room to remind herself she didn’t live that life anymore. She could see Doctor’s form sleeping on the platform. She was breathing quietly. Still. The girl lent against the door frame to feel the realness of it and matched her breathes with Doctor’s. In. And out. 

In. And out. 

In. 

And out. 

Ah. She felt relaxed again. Thank you Doctor! 

Tasha took a big breath in and returned to her platform, lying down on her back, sliding her flashlight under the soft thing. 

What did Doctor say it was called? She had asked Doctor. She was asking Doctor lots of things. And Doctor always told her! 

Pillow! Yes, soft thing was a pillow. She was pleased with herself for remembering. And thinking how nice her pillow was, Tasha quietly fell back to sleep. 

*Sitting. Sitting alone in an alley. Girl could see people walking the street ahead. It was middle of light cycle and some people were about. Doing whatever it was people did that had things to do. She wondered what they did.*

*Are you hungry, little girl?*

*Ah!! She scrambled back and jumped up. How did this person get so close? She looked and saw a man. No!*

*Girl hadn’t allowed herself to get close to anyone since the boy gang smashed her. That was quite a few long cycles ago now. Girl was a little bigger but she didn’t feel any stronger. She could not fight off a man even with her knife.*

*I’ve got food, little girl.*

*Hearing food, Girl’s stomach betrayed her and rumbled. How it hurt. And she was very hungry. No one ever offered her food on the streets. Must be a trick.*

*Her hungry mind thought she could just go with the man and get the food and run.*

*Come. I’ll give you food.*

*And man walked towards the street. Girl followed him as she was so very hungry. Maybe he will give her life liquid too. But she stayed back at a distance. Keep a look out in case it’s a trick. Look and see ways to escape. But she was so hungry, her eyes blurred.*

*Man lead her to stairs into a building that wasn’t falling apart. She only ever snuck into these buildings to find food. Now someone was going to just give it to her. Her small mind said it was a trick. But she was so hungry. She cautiously followed the man up and into a set of rooms he had a small metal stick for. These rooms were not too dirty she thought as she looked around.*

*Man disappeared and came back with bread slices and something in the middle, holding it out to her. She stared at him. At the food. Was it free? For her?*

*He shook the bread. Here. Take it, little girl. I know you are hungry.*

*She was. Girl grabbed it and moved away, towards the door to leave. She wanted to run. The way the man looked at her was not nice. She didn’t like it.*

*Where do you think you’re going? He took hold of her arm and pulled her back. It hurt. Should have run. Girl dropped the bread and reached for her knife under her cloth. He swatted her hand hard. She dropped it. Oh no you don’t, little girl.*

She screamed. 

And sat up. Water leaking from her eyes. 

Movement. But it was Doctor. Not the man. 

Doctor sat on the side of her platform and smoothed her hand over the girl’s head. She had had scary inside see. She curled up forward on her legs and let her body shake while Doctor quietly spoke to her. Her breathes jumped. Doctor rubbed her back and she started to feel better. The scary see was disappearing. She wished it would disappear quickly like how the hole in wall ate up things. 

Gone. 

“Tasha, why don’t you come in and sleep with me?”

The girl wiped her eyes and her nose. What did Doctor ask? She thought about it. Sleep? No more sleep. No more inside sees. She shook her head no. 

“Come on, my sweet girl.” And Doctor stood up, pulling back Tasha’s soft cover and took hold of her hand. “Come on,” she gently tugged her hand. 

Tasha felt safe holding Doctor’s hand. 

Doctor wanted the girl to go with her. So Tasha slid off her platform and held onto Doctor’s hand, following her into her room, around the big platform. Doctor didn’t let go of her hand as she pulled back the soft cover and gently pushed her in. Tasha climbed up and laid her head back on the pillow, looking up into Doctor’s face with her upturned mouth. She was covered up and kissed so gently on her head. 

But then Doctor left the room. She went to pee room and came back. She had a small cloth and touched it to Tasha’s face, cleaning her eyes and nose. And she left the coolness on her head. Ah! That felt nice. 

Tasha felt like she was in an inside see. A good see. A very good inside see. And it didn’t feel real. How could Girl be treated so nicely? She was a broken and dirty girl. 

She watched Doctor leave the room and come back with a vessel and her flashlight. Ah! She had forgotten her flashlight! But Doctor remembered for her and left them on the table beside her. And turned the light there on low. Slowly the girl turned over on her right side so she could watch Doctor walk around the platform to the other side and climb in. 

“Computer, lights off,” Doctor said out loud. And much quieter, she said, “Good night, Tasha.”

“Night, Doc-tor,” Tasha whispered back. She laid there still looking at Doctor as she settled herself in. Not believing. Girl never experienced anything like this. Being laid down to rest with such care and gentleness. Without the threat of something that would hurt. Then Doctor turned over to face Tasha and lifted her mouth up. 

“Are you OK, Tasha?”

What?

Never had she been asked this before. 

The Girl thought about whether she felt OK. What was OK? She did because she felt safe and warm here with Doctor. But her inside see of the man with food had made her stomach clench painfully. 

And not with hunger. Because she was never hungry here. 

She thought she would try to talk to Doctor. Thinking of what she knew, she said “Tatha feel good wit Doc-tor.” She was surprized at how quiet her voice was. Doctor lifted her mouth up. And looked so nice. 

“Tatha Oh-Kay. No Oh-Kay wit thee,” and she touched her head to show Doctor she had an inside see. 

“Do you want to try to tell me, Tasha?”

Tell. Tell Doctor. Just thinking about it, her eyes got wet. She realized she didn’t know Doctor’s speak for man. Or woman. She didn’t know these speak. Sometimes Doctor seemed to speak of herself, saying I. But she never spoke of the Big Man. Tasha thought and thought. How to explain? 

She thought maybe just say to be given food had hurt her. Ok. She could do this. “Doc-Tor,” said softly so she knew Tasha was talking to her. “Food give Tatha hurt Tatha. Ow. Ow. No feel good. Tatha no want food.” 

She didn’t understand why her eyes were leaking water. She couldn’t stop them. And her breath began to jump and her body shook. Suddenly Doctor was very blurry and she couldn’t see right. 

Then soft fingers were wiping her face. Doctor. Nice gang colored eyes. Bloo eyes were looking at her. 

“Oh, Tasha. Food here will never hurt you. Whomever gives it to you, Tasha.”

Tasha tried to listen but was too caught up in the see she had with the man. But she still felt Doctor being nice. She just couldn’t understand what she spoke to her. Being in the soft big platform that smelled so nice made her tired. So she just said, “Tatha Oh-Kay,” so she could curl up and close her eyes. 

But she decided to curl up towards Doctor. She wanted to feel her warmth and safety. She squeezed her eyes shut as she brought her knees up to her chest and tried to just breathe. In and out. 

“Oh, Tasha,” and there was a very gentle touch to her face below her eye. And she felt Doctor’s mouth on her head. “Good night, my sweet girl.”

Ah, that sounded nice. Tasha drifted off into slumber for the fifth time that night and slept soundly through. When she opened her eyes the next cycle, she was alone in the big platform. 

And found a vessel of fresh, cool life liquid waiting for her beside her flashlight. 

Ah, Doctor!! 

Tasha stretched her arms up and her legs down. And felt good. She sat up and could see Doctor through the open door sitting at her table. The cycle was light out in her room. Still dark in Doctor’s room. She slid her legs off of the big platform and stood up. She stretched her arms up high above her head again before picking up the vessel, drinking all of the water down. 

Ah! 

Keeping the vessel to return to the hole in wall, she grabbed her flashlight, tucking it away and walked quietly to her room. To Doctor.


	46. Laughing Safe

The next couple of days went by without any incidents. Tasha seemed to pull herself back together. And there were no indications it had even happened. Dr Pulaski wondered if the girl would talk to her about it again, when she felt more equipped to express herself. By no means did the doctor believe it was over. 

Tasha appeared to be able to put what happened away and keep going. A survivor. She was definitely a survivor. 

But the girl seemed to become more and more relaxed with the doctor. Oh, she was still very serious but she was a funny little thing. Very quiet. Always watching. Paying attention. Trying to learn. Imitating what was said and what was done. And she seemed to follow Dr Pulaski around. Sometimes, turning up out of no where when the doctor thought the girl was in the other room. 

Dr Pulaski had thought at first that Tasha was immature but she was reevaluating that assumption. Tasha did seem childlike but now that was just that the girl didn’t hide her wonder and amazement at all the new things she was discovering. And she had an underlying intelligence. She seemed to think everything through and she remembered. 

Tasha continued to sleep in her bed. Through out the night, she would wake up and roam the living area, talking to herself before getting back into bed, falling asleep again. Dr Pulaski was actually getting used to this nightly interruption and found listening to the girl almost soothing as it meant she was safe and content. When she wasn’t screaming. 

Now getting her to eat food was still a problem. She’d drink water and the nutrient drinks whenever given one. Soup she was ok with, now, slurping it from the side of the bowl. Cutlery apparently wasn’t a thing on Turkana Four. But solid food was a difficult push. She wouldn’t consider it since she ate the scrambled eggs the morning after she came back after her episode. Dr Pulaski wanted to know more about what happened when the girl was given food on her world. Well, she did because it may help her find a way to get Tasha to know food here is safe. But she also didn’t want to know because she just couldn’t imagine why anyone would hurt such a sweet child. She didn’t want to know what that hurt entailed. But she would listen if Tasha wanted to tell her. She had to remind herself, it was Tasha’s pain, not hers. 

*They returned from sickbay. “OK, Tasha, time for dinner. Do you want to clean up?* 

*The girl looked at the doctor and tilted her head. She seemed to mull over something before her eyebrows shot up. “Ah! Clean! ONOFF!*

*Dr Pulaski winced. Yes, Tasha was normally so quiet, she would forget she ever spoke. But then when she did, she would speak so loudly. It was like she was unused to talking aloud that she didn’t have a sense of volume. But Dr Pulaski adored her name for the shower. ONOFF. Always said quickly and way too loud. And every single time the girl used it, she would say ON when she turned it on and OFF when she turned it off. So how could she not adore it.*

*”Yes, Tasha. Time for ONOFF,” and she smiled sweetly at the girl. Tasha actually jumped on the spot and ran to the bathroom. Yes. The child does just enjoy these things the doctor has taken for granted. The simple things.*

*Tonight, she was going to try to get Tasha to eat some food. She thought perhaps soup again. It was like the nutrient drinks she gave her but more like food. She began replicating drinks for them as she listened to the girl splash in the shower. And she realized Tasha didn’t take any clothes. She also noticed Tasha didn't seem at all self conscious at being naked in front of her.*

*That was something else that Dr Pulaski thought about. What did Tasha think of herself? She had seen her reflection in the mirror and didn’t recognize herself the first time. Dr Pulaski had caught her a few times since looking at herself. But she didn’t seem to have any shyness. Even after being on board for almost a month, Tasha was still very thin and stood out from the crew. Her body was covered in old scars as she hadn’t let the doctor heal them. Did she know she was a young woman? Did she look at herself and see she was different from other woman here? Different from the doctor?*

*Dr Pulaski smiled. Maybe she’s just comfortable with herself. Maybe she is just used to seeing her body like that. Maybe. But she shouldn’t have to be. And in walked Tasha, with her towel wrapped around her body.*

*”Doctor, done,” she said with such a serious face, Dr Pulaski smiled and turned around to chuckle. She could hear the girl going through her clothes to pick out what to sleep in and heard an "AH!" from the child. Doctor smiled to herself and turned around suddenly when there was a tug at her sleeve. Tasha was standing there, in a blue shirt and blue boxer shorts. She really liked that color so Doctor had replicated her some more. And she had just found them.*

*”Take a seat, Tasha. Tonight you are going to have something different.”*

*Again, the girl cocked her head and she stepped to the side and slid onto her seat. She placed her hands on the table, with her palms down and looked up expectantly.*

*Dr Pulaski replicated two bowls of tomato soup and placed them on the table along with spoons. Tasha peeked in, sniffed and sat back, slouching. Her face looked pained and she pursed her lips. She actually looked like she didn’t know how to say she didn’t want to eat it. But at least she didn’t say no. Or yuck. Yet. *

*With a smile, the doctor sat and looked kindly at Tasha. “Ok, Tasha, I know you don’t want to eat food but this isn’t technically food. You can drink this.”*

*Tasha just slouched more and shook her head no so aggressively. She looked so miserable, the doctor almost felt bad. But the girl needed to learn food wasn’t bad. And she just needed to eat.*

*”Come on, Tasha, you may like it. See like this,” and Dr Pulaski picked up her spoon. She stirred the soup and lifted some to her mouth, sipping the soup from it with an audible slurp. She wanted Tasha to hear she could drink it. “Hmm. Yummy. Now you try, Tasha.”*

*Tasha had sat up and watched the doctor intently with big blue eyes. She looked at her soup and pulled the bowl closer, picking up the spoon. She didn’t know how to hold it, grasping it in her hand like a stick. Tasha tried to stir the soup, spilling it over the side. The girl silently gasped and looked up quickly, as if she thought she was going to be punished. She actually froze. And held her breath. What had happened to her when she spilt food before for her to be so afraid?*

*”It’s OK, Tasha,” she said kindly.*

*“The girl made a little “oh”, and her eyes went big again. The doctor wondered if she was trying to smile, what with the twinkle in her eye.*

*Holding the spoon tightly, Tasha dipped it in and tried to bring it to her mouth but all the liquid fell off and it was empty by the time she put it in her mouth. There must have been some left as she closed her eyes and kept the spoon inside. She hummed a bit before opening her eyes and licking the spoon. “Ah, dats good.”*

*Doctor raised an eyebrow. She was a little dubious but Tasha put the spoon down, saying, “thpoon” and took the bowl in both hands, bringing her mouth to the side and tipped it, drinking from the side. *

*When it was empty, she licked her lips, wiped her hand across her mouth and sat up. Tasha looked at Dr Pulaski. “Dats good. THank you.”*

*Dr Pulaski smiled. The doctor wasn’t sure if she should correct Tasha. She got thank right but still said dat. Maybe overlook this one. The girl looked so content and had actually eaten something so she left it.

“Very good, Tasha. Would you like some more?”*

*To her surprize, Tasha nodded her head enthusiastically and said, “Yeth, pleathe.”*

*Very quickly, before the girl could change her mind, she got up, replicated another bowl and placed it in front of the child. Tasha squinted her eyes at the doctor and peered inside the bowl, smelling it. She looked back at Dr Pulaski with big eyes, saying, “Yummy.” Then pulled the bowl to her using both hands and sipped it from the side. She blew on it and sipped some more, doing that until it seemed cool enough to drink. Which she did. All at once. And then she licked her lips again.*

*Tasha pushed the bowl away and slouched back, “Ah!” She patted her stomach, “Thoup belly!!”*

*Dr Pulaski laughed out loud. “Yes, Tasha!”*

*The girl frowned and then lifted her eyebrows and opened her mouth, looking less serious and patted her belly again. Dr Pulaski thoroughly enjoyed that moment as she believed Tasha was trying to smile. Wonderful.*

Each day, Tasha accompanied Dr Pulaski to sickbay. It was still a slow journey as she hovered around the doctor to stay away from the crew. And Tasha had her little routine to exit or enter a room. She had to stand just beside the doorway and listen first, before peeking in/out both ways and scanning about. Only once she was satisfied it was safe, would she walk through the portal. The doctor would just wait patiently as she did this. 

And the child always held her hand now when waiting for and travelling in the turbo lift. Gentle squeezes on both sides. 

Once at sickbay, Tasha shyly accepted the greetings from Mary and Jessica before disappearing into the doctor’s office or the other med room where they set up her puzzle. She would stay there until time to go. One time, when Dr Pulaski gave her a checkup, Tasha followed her to an exam room but not to the room she had stayed in at first. The doctor tried to make that checkup fun for her, bringing in unnecessary equipment just for Tasha to see and allow her to open up and question everything. 

Which she did. She sat on the edge of the bed, swinging her legs, reaching for everything, full of “whatth thith,” and “Ohs” as she inspected it all. 

Health wise, the girl was doing well. Her intestinal tract was clear of parasites as well as all of the internal infections. She was taking in the vitamin and mineral supplements she was receiving everyday. The hormone treatments were starting to take effect: Tasha’s body was beginning to change, to grow. This was because her physical development was stunted from the malnourishment. And Dr Pulaski was very happy that it could be reset. The changes at the moment were imperceptible but they were happening. Tasha would be growing. She would become a woman. And Dr Pulaski was excited about that. 

Dr Pulaski looked at Tasha's hands, gently holding them to see the size but Tasha pulled her hands back when in sickbay, like she knew she was being inspected. She quickly sat on them. 

Well at least Dr Pulaski would be able to repair her hand and foot now her body was stronger. And her new teeth were just about done. 

But that night she tried again when they had dinner: the doctor a salad and Tasha a mushroom soup she was drinking from the side of the bowl. The doctor reached out for the girl’s hand. Tasha looked up at her but didn’t grab her left hand back this time. Dr Pulaski lifted Tasha's hand and saw it was almost the same size as hers, so believed she had quite a few inches to grow, maybe taller than the doctor. The girl managed to have a growth spurt before whatever happened to her. The doctor told Tasha this. But Tasha just gazed at her, like she didn’t know what she was talking about, soup dribbling down her chin. But the child seemed lost in thought. 

Was she day dreaming?

The next day, Tasha was in the bathroom. The doctor was already dressed and waiting to leave for sickbay. But the girl was taking more time than normal. The shower had gone on and off. She heard the child humming while she brushed her teeth. And now nothing. Dr Pulaski headed for the bathroom, "Tasha, what are you doing?"

Tasha was standing on her tip toes before the mirror, tugging on her hair. "Doc-tor, look!"

Dr Pulaski returned Tasha's look in the mirror. She was unsure what the girl was referring to, the color difference in her hair or the length of her hair. "What's this, Tasha?"

"Look look, grow-ing," she exclaimed, eyes wide and pulling at the cropped blond hair on top of her head. 

The doctor laughed. *Is this what she thinks was to grow when I told her that last night?* "Yes, Tasha, you’re hair is growing."

"Ah, hair grow. No no. No grow."

"No? Do you want it cut?"

"Eh?"

"Cut, Tasha," and the doctor made a scissor snip noise whilst holding her fingers at a distance and reducing them. 

"Ah cut hair, no grow, yeth yeth, pleathe."

And that’s when the doctor realized Tasha was standing there naked as she dropped the towel she had been holding over her shoulders. "Ah ah, no no," Tasha muttered, squatting to pick up the towel. "Thawry."

Dr Pulaski laughed again, "Ok, Tasha, I’ll get you a hair cut. Come on, get dressed now."

Tasha wrapped the towel around her shoulders and frowned at the doctor, mumbling in her language. She ambled out of the bathroom. The doctor looked around and saw Tasha had put everything back and even pulled the shower curtain closed to dry. 

By the time Dr Pulaski joined Tasha in the living room, she was dressed and drinking water near the replicator. She noticed she had one of her favorite blue shirts on. But she wasn’t wearing her new shoes. The doctor had made her some light weight sports shoes that slipped on. 

“Tasha, where are your shoes?” She asked, pointing at Tasha’s bare feet. 

“Ah,” Tasha raised her eyebrows and looked down at her toes, wiggling a few of them. “No thooos,” she said, waving towards her bed. Dr Pulaski could see them neatly tucked under the bed. 

“Come on, Tasha, you need to get used to wearing shoes.” The doctor walked over and retrieved them from under the bed. She had even made them blue to make them more appealing to the child. “Come here.”

Tasha did a big dramatic sigh, throwing her skinny arms out and dropping her shoulders but she sauntered over to the doctor and sat on the floor. She took a shoe from Dr Pulaski’s hand, inspected it, turned it around and slipped it on her left foot. She looked up at the doctor. “That’s the left, Tasha. Here is the right one,” holding out her right shoe. Tasha took that, inspected it and slipped it on over her fused toes. 

The girl had only worn the shoes once and they had been taken off almost immediately. 

Tasha stood up, uneasily and walked, lifting her feet far higher than normal with big, exaggerated steps. It was like she could not judge the floor anymore. It looked like she was waking on the moon. 

“Tatha no no like thooos!” 

Dr Pulaski laughed, “You’ll get used to them, Tasha.”

“Hmph,” she said in frustration, stumbling around in a circle. 

The doctor couldn’t stop laughing and that made Tasha frown all the more. Picking up the girl’s padd, “Come on, you little clown. Let’s get going.” 

The shoes scuppered Tasha’s finesse at maneuvering around the crew in the corridor. Halfway to sickbay, the child actually stopped, leant against the wall with one hand, the other resting on her hip and panted at the doctor. A slight sheen of sweat glistened on her face. 

“Keep going, Tasha, you’re getting better at it,” Dr Pulaski managed to say with a straight face. Tasha pushed off and huffed but kept walking.   
Whilst in the turbo lift, she felt Tasha staring at her from where she had sat on the floor but kept her gaze up, so the girl would keep going. 

When they got to sickbay, Tasha marched past Mary without a hello and into the doctor’s office. Dr Pulaski shrugged at the concerned expression on Mary’s face and followed Tasha in. Tasha stamped her feet and said very adamantly, “Tatha no like thooos!!” Scowling, she took one off and chucked it across the floor. Looking to the doctor for her reaction, she chucked the other one too. And stood up defiantly, her arms across her little chest. 

Dr Pulaski couldn’t keep her face neutral any longer and broke out laughing. The girl was just too funny. She put her left hand on her desk and the other over her face, doubling over with laughter. 

When she composed herself, Dr Pulaski looked to the child who was standing there, arms by her side, mouth agape and eyes wide. She almost looked like “how dare the doctor laugh at me.” But then she walked to her. She lifted her hands to the doctor’s face and touched her mouth, her cheeks. Her scared fingertips were rough against the doctor's skin. Tasha cocked her head to the side and stared at the doctor. 

“Whatth thith?" 

And right then, Dr Pulaski knew for certain, Tasha did not know what laughing was. 

That sobered her up. 

Calming down, and smiling as gently as she could, taking Tasha’s hand gently from her face, the doctor said, "Tasha, it’s laughter. It shows when you are happy. When you are enjoying yourself." She didn’t think it was necessary at the moment to explain the bad parts of laughter as she only laughed at Tasha with endearment. 

"Laaa-f-teerr," she repeated. "Happee? Ith Tatha happee?"

"I think you are now.”

“How Tatha laaf-ter?”

“Do you want to laugh, Tasha?"

“Laff?” Tasha seemed to think about that, deeply. She frowned and tilted her head from side to side. Then said, "Yeth."

"Ok, you ready?"

"Yeth."

She stood, chest out, arms at her sides and her ever so expressive head looking up. 

Dr Pulaski smiled inside and stepped towards the girl, reached out and tickled her. Tickled her under the arms and along her sides. Tasha doubled over in laughter, grabbing the doctor's hands, half trying to stop her. And Tasha laughed. 

And she kept laughing, full and loud. And she hadn’t known what laughter was. Even when she had laughed the first time she was tickled. Dr Pulaski laughed along with her, thoroughly enjoying this moment. 

The doctor let up on the tickling as Tasha curled up on the floor, gasping for breath. Tasha was smiling a big, loose, toothless smile. She rolled on the floor, laughing and breathing hard. Her eyes were squinted shut and her mouth was open. The doctor was down on her knees while Tasha tried to calm her breathing. She kept rolling from side to side, holding herself, laughing. Dr Pulaski smoothed her soft hair and smiled at her. 

*What a precious child.*

As Tasha stilled, she gazed up at the doctor with happy tears making her eyes glisten a bright blue. “Ha ha, thatth gooood, laff,” she said. “Tatha no feel dat bee for.”

“That not dat, Tasha,” the doctor said automatically but she was lovingly gazing back at the child on the floor. She rubbed Tasha’s head, then her shoulder and patted the girl’s legs that were tucked up towards her body, “Ready to get up or do you want more laughter?”

Tasha appeared to give that some serious thought and just when the doctor thought she was going to choose the option of more tickling, she rolled over and sat up. She stretched out, and reached over for her discarded shoes and rolled back sitting before the doctor. Holding her shoes up, “Tatha keeep for laa-der?”

“Yes, you may go barefoot whilst in sickbay. But you put them back on when we leave, Ok?”

The girl seemed to think that over and over and nodded. “Oh-Kay.” 

“Later, Tasha, not lader.”

“Oh-Kay.”


	47. Safe to Laugh

Tasha tried to be strong for Doctor. She felt the woman had been there for her and was protecting her. So she thought she should try to be better. Because she had been a bad girl with her inside sees. The girl did her best to squash these inside sees back down, back in her inside darkness where she could try to forget them again. She wished she could put them in the hole in wall to eat them up.

But Tasha couldn’t so she tried the only other thing she could think of. 

She made sure she listened to Doctor and did what she asked. Big Woman never asked anything weird though. It was always easy things, like shower, which was ONOFF. Get dressed which was put cloth on. Eat breakfast. Eat dinner. These were food parts of cycle. Doctor seemed to think eating food only happened at certain parts of the cycle and not just when you found the food. But Tasha could see how she thought that here. Food was made for you when you wanted it by a hole in the wall. You didn’t need to search and search for it like the little girl had to where she had lived. And then eat it quick before it was taken from you. Or you were hurt for staying still.

So Tasha knew a lot of things Doctor wanted and expected of her. She just needed to keep at it and show how useful and needed she was. Having a few cycles of scary inside sees probably didn’t help. But Doctor was nice about holding girl’s hand and putting her on her platform when she was bothered by lotsa inside rest sees. 

Doctor was nice. 

They returned at the end of the cycle. Or Tasha thought that because they left “sickbay” and returned to their rooms. There was no big light in the sky to judge these things from now on. Only actions. And what Doctor wanted to do. 

Tasha now thought of these rooms as theirs. Not Doctor’s. But for both of them. Because Doctor let her have her own room. She never had a room before. It felt nice. It felt safe. She liked to have it because she could walk around when she woke up during the dark cycle. And it had a lot of interesting things in it. A window into nothingness. A hole in wall where she could get as much water as she wanted. A big soft seat that Doctor would sit in, sometimes with her, to talk from her paper pack. But she shared these with Doctor. It also held a bed only for her. It had her layered platform with her cloth, that only she wore. She didn’t have to share these things. And Doctor never looked through her things. Never looked to see what Girl had hidden in her bed. Which was good because she wanted to keep the scalpel. She never knew when she might need it. Just in case. 

So today, once they arrived in their room, Doctor turned to her because Tasha had let her open the door and go in first this time. But Tasha knew how! Tasha knew how to open their door. She wanted to see if Doctor would wait for her. And she did!!

“OK, Tasha, time for dinner. Do you want to clean first?”

What was Doctor saying? Dinner? Eat time. Clean? 

“Ah! Clean! ONOFF!” She exclaimed! Yes! Even though she wasn’t dirty, she wanted to clean. Here, in this place, she never got dirty. There didn’t seem to be any dirt here. Anywhere!! Girl just got smelly sometimes, especially when she leaked life liquid from her body during sleep time. So YES! 

She looked up at Doctor, hoping. 

Doctor lifted her mouth nicely at girl and said, “Yes, Tasha. Time for ONOFF.” 

Tasha knew it. She knew it was called ONOFF and jumped up and ran to the pee room. She was pulling her top cloth off before she got there, dropping it by the big vessel. She hit the black spot, “ON!” and almost fell over trying to get her bottom cloth and under cloth off. Then she climbed in and turned slowly under the water fall, relaxing in it. Soon she hit the black spot, “OFF,” and pulled the flimsy cloth back. She realized then she forgot her bed cloth again. She had forgotten to get big soft cloth too. Ah. Now she was dripping water and it was too far away. Doctor told her off last time she came out without wiping water off. So she stepped out carefully and stood on the cloth she just took off and reached over to where the big cloth hung, to drag it off to her. She dried off and wrapped it around her, grabbed her flashlight from the soft ground and walked back out to her room. But she stopped and went to see Other Tasha. 

She hadn’t looked at her lately. In fact, she had forgotten about her. Other Tasha looked at her. Her head was still wet. Oh. She forgot to rub cloth there so she did. Her short head was sticking up. Doctor’s was always so in place. Tasha rubbed her hand through it and liked the feeling of it being so short. And she liked the light color. Like Doctor’s. She looked closely at her face. Her eyes were bloo. She moved her mouth around, trying to lift it up like Doctor did all the time. But it didn’t look right. She pushed the sides of her mouth up with her fingers. It still didn’t look right. Maybe Other Tasha wasn’t very good at it. 

Ah! Tasha spun away from Other Tasha and went to her room. Doctor was busy at the hole in wall. So it will be dinner now. She was learning. 

“Doctor, done,” Tasha announced to let her know she was back. She went to get cloth to put on at her layered platform. 

“AH!”

There were more bloo top clothes!! Doctor must have put them here for her. Now she could wear gang cloth everyday. This was a really good cycle. So she pulled a bloo top cloth on and picked out bloo short bottom cloth to wear for sleep. 

Doctor had her back to her so she went over to the woman and pulled her long cloth on her arm to let her know she was ready for dinner. 

“Take a seat, Tasha. Tonight you are going to have something different.”

Tasha squinted at Doctor. What did she say? Seat. Yes sit for dinner. But the rest? Ah, well, maybe a surprize. Tasha never got surprizes. So she sat in her seat and put her hands on the table to show she was ready. 

Doctor spoke to hole in wall and placed two flat vessels on the table. One in front of the girl. She looked inside and sniffed. Food! She fell back on her seat. But she told Doctor about food hurting her. And now Doctor was giving it to her! Didn’t she hear her? But how can she say no? After all Doctor had given her and all that she’d taken?? She even had more gang cloth to wear. She looked up at Doctor without lifting her head. 

“Ok, Tasha, I know you don’t want to eat food but this isn’t technically food. You can drink this.” Doctor lifted her mouth so nicely. 

Not hearing, Tasha sunk a little more into her seat and shook her head no. She didn’t want to eat food. Why can’t she just have liquid food? Doctor always gave her that. 

“Come on, Tasha, you may like it. See like this,” and the woman picked up a spoon and moved it around in the vessel. She lifted the flat part to her mouth and drank the food from it. Making noise. “Hmm. Yummy. Now you try, Tasha.”

*You try, Tasha.*

Girl sat up. 

Tasha understood that. The food wasn’t really food. It was liquid. But Doctor didn’t drink it. She ate it with a spoon. What did Doctor have when she first gave the girl a spoon? Ah, soup! Ah, this is tomato soup. She had that when she ate with Doctor during her bad sees. And she didn’t have to pay for it. 

She will try. 

But use a spoon. 

So Tasha picked up the spoon. It was like holding her knife. She stuck it into the vessel and saw that it was thick liquid. And fire color. She tried to move the spoon around. Some came out over the side onto the table!

Tasha looked up quickly to Doctor. Was she in trouble? Would she get a slap? She had just wasted some food. 

*Ne’er waste food, Girl. Ya stupid if ya do. An wut ya waste was yurs so ya wunt git more.*

“It’s OK, Tasha,” Doctor said so nice. 

“Oh,” she said. And tried to look nice back at Doctor but again felt her eyes go big, not crinkle up like Doctor’s. But she wasn’t in trouble. She won’t get hurt. 

So Tasha moved the spoon around again in the soup and lifted it up to bring to her mouth. She could see the liquid falling off into the vessel but still managed to get some. She closed her eyes and felt the warm spoon against her inside mouth. It was nice. And the soup tasted good. She licked the spoon to not waste any and looked at Doctor to let her know. 

“Ah, dats good.”

But using the spoon was too slow. She needed to drink the soup before it was taken from her. So she placed the spoon down, saying aloud, “Thpoon.” She wanted Doctor to know she knew what it was. That she remembered. Using both hands carefully, she grabbed the bowl and put her mouth on the side, drinking from it like she did the liquid food. 

Ah! It was hot but she drank it all. And it felt good in her belly. 

All done. She licked her mouth and wiped her hand across it too to make sure she wasn’t dirty, sat up and looked back at Doctor, “Dats good. Thank you.”

Be nice. 

She said that carefully to say it right. 

And Doctor turned her mouth up. But she hadn’t finished her soup yet. 

“Very good, Tasha. Would you like some more?”

More??? Food?? When had she been asked that? Never!!

Eagerly shaking her head up and down, “Yes, pleathe.” 

And Doctor got her another hot vessel from the hole in wall. She tried again to turn her mouth up and actually felt her eyes crinkle this time. Checking, she looked at the soup, breathed in the hot smell and looked back at the woman. 

“Yummy,” she said because that was what Doctor had said about it. She then pulled it to her but it was very hot, so she blew on it as she remembered that’s what she did when she grabbed something hot from a fire. And drank it all down. When she was done, she pushed the vessel away to show she was and sat back. 

“Ah!” 

She really liked the way it warmed her insides. Patting her stomach, she said, “Thoup belly!!”

Doctor did a big body rumble sound, “Yes, Tasha!”

The girl pulled her eyes down as she didn’t understand Doctor’s reaction but then saw her upturn her mouth so she tried to do the same thing. She patted her stomach again. Tasha was really enjoying her dinner with Doctor.

She slept quietly that dark cycle. 

The next morning, Doctor’s word for start of cycle, she was given something new again. After she had cleaned and had liquid food, Doctor came in with something in her hands. 

“These are for you, Tasha. Shoes.”

Tasha looked at what the woman held out. There were two. They were bloo. That was good. But she didn’t know what they were. 

“Thoos?” She said as she took one of them. She turned it around. There was a hard side and a soft cloth side with an opening. She looked back up at Doctor, confused. 

Doctor put the other shoe in her hand and said, “Come, Tasha,” and walked back to her room. She sat in the side of her big platform and patted next to her. So Tasha followed and sat, holding the shoes to her chest. 

Ah! Doctor had shoes on the ground but black color. 

“See, Tasha, shoes go on your feet. See,” and Doctor leant down picking a shoe up and pulled it over her foot to cover it. She did that with both. 

Oh. 

Tasha dropped her shoes on the ground and picked one up. She looked at it carefully and tried to pull it over her good foot. Doctor stopped her with a gentle tap, “Other foot, Tasha. The right foot.” 

Confused, she looked at it again and tried to pull it over her bad foot. It felt funny. But she picked up the other shoe, turned it around and pulled it on. With her legs hanging from the side of the platform, she lifted her feet to look at them. 

Doctor then stood up and walked back to Tasha’s room. Leaving the girl there. 

Carefully, very carefully, she slid off of the platform. When her feet touched the ground, she couldn’t feel the softness of it. She couldn’t feel the ground. She tried to walk out to her room but she couldn’t feel walking on the ground!! Where was it? She looked down at her feet. They were still there. The ground was still there too! 

She tried walking around but couldn’t put her feet down properly. And it felt funny. She stumbled over as she couldn’t tell how far away the ground was and her feet didn’t grip it. Then she fell over. 

“ARG!” She said loudly, lying flat out on the ground. She tried to stand up but her feet were solid and she could not feel the floor. She sat back on her bottom. “No.” 

She pulled both shoes off and threw them under her platform. 

“No!”

“Tasha.”

She looked up from where she was sitting and saw Doctor looking down at her. Not happy. But she didn’t look mad either. 

“No,” the girl said. “No.”

And Doctor didn’t do anything. 

And they went to “sickbay.”

Tasha was a little confused. She acted out, said no and nothing happened. She had said no. And nothing happened. 

But Doctor asked her to come to a small room off the big room in sickbay. She followed thinking she was now going to be punished. Doctor patted the high platform so she hopped up on it. And Doctor walked out and came back in with things. Lots of things. Lots of things that interested her. Forgetting about being punished, she asked what they were. What they did. And Doctor told her. Told her everything. And she was enjoying learning with Doctor. 

Then Doctor picked up her hand and was looking at it closely. Suddenly she felt self conscious of her form, her rough hands, the fire marks and pulled it back. What would Doctor think of her dirty hands? So she sat on them. Get them out of the way. She looked up at Doctor but she just looked back at Girl nicely. 

And she still wasn’t punished for being bad and saying no. 

That dark cycle, night as Doctor called it, they sat at the table and ate dinner. Tasha had a “mushroom” soup this time. She liked it. It was different from tomato but still like liquid food. So she drank it from the side of the vessel. She tried to drink slowly, so Doctor could keep up. And the soup wasn’t taken from her. 

But again, Doctor looked at her hand and picked it up. 

Since they were in their rooms and she felt safe, she let Doctor hold her hand this time. After all, she had taken Doctor’s hand in the covered alleys. As she drank her soup, Doctor just turned her hand over and looked at it. Woman’s hands were so soft and smooth. Tasha could feel the roughness of her skin rub on her’s. 

Weird. 

Then Doctor turned her mouth up at her and let go. She said something like, “You will grow, Tasha. You’ll become a woman.”

Grow. 

Grow sounded familiar. Grow. Tasha grew. She got bigger from when she was left and Old Woman found her. And she grew whilst with Old Woman. And she grew a little after Old Woman died. Not much but some. Tasha would like to grow more. Be bigger. Be stronger. 

Girl hoped. She crossed her feet while Doctor finished eating. 

Next morning cycle, Tasha cleaned in the ONOFF and brushed her inside mouth. She saw Other Tasha cleaning her mouth too. She put water in her mouth and spat it back out. She looked back at Other Tasha. 

Looked at her short soft head. It looked not so short. Other Tasha reached up and touched her head and Tasha could feel the softness. It was still a little wet. But it wasn’t so short now. Ah! Doctor said she would grow. Her head was growing. 

“Tasha, what are you doing?” 

“Doc-tor, look!”

“What’s this, Tasha?”

Tasha saw Other Doctor appear behind her and shouted, “Look look, grow-ing,” and she tugged at her head. 

Other Doctor’s body rumbled. “Yes, Tasha, you’re hair is growing.”

“Ah, hair grow. No no. No grow.”

Hair! Doctor word for head. And no she didn’t want it to grow. She like it short. And she had had to keep it that way with her knife. It was hard. And she cut her head a few times. But this short was better. Hard for boys to grab. 

“No? Do you want it cut?”

“Eh?”

“Cut, Tasha,” and Other Doctor held her fingers up, making noises and bring her fingers together. Smaller? No shorter! Ah!

“Ah cut hair, no grow, yeth yeth pleathe.”

Tasha wanted to know how they cut her hair so neatly. Everything here was amazing! And she forgot to hold onto the big soft cloth and it fell off of her. 

And she was there naked. 

Suddenly she was embarrassed. She knew Doctor had seen her body before but she saw the marks on Other Tasha’s front and her fire colored cut across her chest. Her skinny body. She felt broken. And dropped down to the ground to get the cloth, quickly. 

“Ah ah, no no,” she said quietly, “Thawry.”

As she pulled the cloth back around her, Doctor did a body rumble. Tasha turned her mouth down at Doctor, wondering why she was body rumbling now. She heard “dress” and left to go her her cloth. 

A bloo top cloth, yes. Cover her broken body. And tight under cloth with long cloth. Cover all of her body. Ah! Shoes! She saw them on the ground under her platform. Her bed! She dropped to the ground to look at them, picking one up. 

No. Too weird. Too uncomfortable. And she was allowed to not do things uncomfortable here. To say no. So she put both shoes under her bed. 

Her tummy rumbled. Ah! Need water. Standing, she grabbed her flashlight from under her pillow then asked the hole in wall for water, thanking it. Be nice, Girl. Doctor was teaching her to be nice. 

Doctor came in. Dressed in her gang color cloth. Strong. 

“Tasha, where are your shoes?” Doctor pointed at Tasha’s feet. 

“Ah.” Doctor saw Girl didn’t put her shoes on. She looked down and moved her toes, feeling the soft ground. She didn’t need shoes. The ground was easy to walk on. She felt bold. “No thooos.” She drank her water and moved her hand to where she left the shoes to show Doctor. 

Doctor stood up straight. Tasha felt something was going to happen. She put her vessel down. Just in case. 

“Come on, Tasha, you need to get used to wearing shoes.” 

Tasha held her breath.

But Doctor went to Girl’s platform and took the shoes. Serious face. “Come here.”

No name. She didn’t say Tasha. And she just stood there. Looking seriously at the girl. And Girl didn’t feel so bold. Still holding her breath. 

Maybe do what Doctor says. 

Tasha breathed out. She lifted her shoulders and threw her arms out, but she walked over to Doctor and sat on the ground by her bed. Doctor held a shoe out to her. Tasha took it without word. Better to stay quiet. She turned it around and around. Last cycle, she put it on the wrong foot. 

How to tell? 

Ah! Shape. Hard part like foot. So she matched it to her good foot and pulled it in. She looked up. 

Waiting. 

But Doctor just held out the other shoe. “That’s the left, Tasha. Here is the right one.”

Right one. She pulled it on. They fit. She looked up again at Doctor. Thinking she should say no. But Doctor looked down at her with her upturned mouth. Nice. Ok. Tasha would try. 

*You try, Tasha.*

She stood up, holding onto her bed as she felt uneasy. She felt tipsy. Like when she drank some weird liquid from a vessel once back in her place. She lifted her feet, her legs and tried to feel the ground through her feet. But she couldn’t and stumbled around. 

She forgot Doctor was serious with her and shouted, “Tatha no no like thooos!”

Quickly she looked to Doctor to see if she would be hit for being loud and saying no again. But Doctor just did a body rumble, and said “You’ll get used to them, Tasha.”

“Hmph,” Tasha exclaimed in frustration. She tried to walk around but fell to the side, holding her arms out to keep herself up. 

But Doctor just kept body rumbling and picked up Tasha’s PADD. Tasha dropped her head and looked up, hard at Doctor. Why is she body rumbling? 

“Come on, you little clown. Let’s get going.”

And that was it. Doctor walked out the door. Tasha had to follow wearing these stupid shoes. So she tried to walk through the covered alleys. But she kept stumbling and putting her feet down too hard. She almost walked into another person. A woman!! 

She put her hands up, “Ah!! Ah! Thawry!” She was afraid she was going to get hit but the woman just put her hands up and said, “Sorry,” and walked on. 

And they still weren’t to the moving room yet! 

Ah! She fell sideways and put her hand out on the wall. This was too hard! She put her hand on her side as she was breathing hard. Trying to breath normally, she saw Doctor looking at her. Life liquid was leaking from her face. 

“Keep going, Tasha, you’re getting better at it,” Doctor said and turned to walk on. So the girl pushed away from the wall and almost fell over. She got a brief break in the moving room when she sat on the ground with her legs straight out. Doctor didn’t look down at her but stood straight with her mouth upturned. Stupid woman. Tasha stared up at her, eyebrows down and wanted to shout “no no no stupid shoes” at her but she kept quiet. And climbed up when the doors opened and followed Doctor out. 

She stumbled all the way to sickbay and walked as tall as she could past Doctor’s gang into her room. Tasha was mad. She was angry. Doctor made her wear these stupid shoes and she didn’t want to!! She wanted to shout. And shout. 

And shout!!! 

She stamped her feet and couldn’t feel the ground. 

“Tatha no like thooos!!”

She looked as mean as she could and pulled a shoe off, throwing it. She looked to see what Doctor did while she threw the other shoe. Tasha was going to do want she wanted, so she waited for Doctor’s reaction and crossed her arms. 

And waited. 

Waited for Doctor to be angry with her. She was going to take the punishment and never wear shoes ever again. 

But it didn’t come. 

Doctor began body rumbling. So loud. So loud! She covered her face and leant over. Tasha thought Doctor was hurt. In pain. And stepped towards her. 

What was Doctor doing? Did Girl make her howl? Did Girl make her feel pain? She was so confused. And watched. 

Doctor slowly quietened, wiped her eyes and looked back at Girl. Her mouth was upturned. She wasn’t hurt. She wasn’t in pain. She looked happy. Tasha didn’t understand. 

Without thinking, Tasha walked over to Doctor and touched her face, touched her mouth that was turned up. Felt the life liquid that was leaking from her eyes. And she wanted to know what this body rumble was. 

“Whatth thith?”

Her eyes met Doctor’s. The woman turned her mouth up nicely and gently took the girl’s hands in her’s. Tasha could feel how smooth her skin was. Doctor spoke quietly. Tasha watched her face, her mouth and listened. 

“Tasha, it’s laughter. It shows when you are happy. When you are enjoying yourself.”

Laughter? Happy? That sounded familiar. Happy. She was happy eating dinner with Doctor other cycle. Tasha wanted to be happy. 

“Laaa-f-teerr,” Tasha repeated slowly. “Happee? Ith Tatha happee?”

“I think you are now.”

Hmm. Tasha is happy. 

“How Tatha laaf-ter?”

“Do you want to laugh, Tasha?”

“Laff?” 

So body rumble was laughter. And it meant Doctor was happy. Happy with Tasha. And Tasha was happy. So, “Yeth.”

“Ok, you ready?”

“Yeth.”

*You try, Tasha.*

She got ready. She stood straight. Tall. Like Doctor when she walks in the covered alleys. Strong. Tasha was ready. 

And she kept her eyes open. 

Doctor came to her slowly and touched her side. Under her arms. Gently but her body moved! Her arms wrapped around herself but Doctor got under and tickled her. Her stomach tightened but felt free. Her head was light. Uncontrollable sounds came quivering out of her. She fell over and curled up and her body rumbled and made sounds! Loud sounds! Laughing sounds! Her eyes got wet and scrunched up. Her body tingled and she felt good. Her body rumbled! She felt alive and just laughed. 

Laughed. 

Tasha realized she was on the ground, sucking in breathes. She rolled and laughed as her body cooled down. She could feel her mouth up and was hoping she was doing what Doctor did. Turn her mouth up!! She laughed more just because she could. 

She felt a touch on her short soft head, smoothing, soothing her. The girl stopped on her back with her knees tucked up in her chest and opened her eyes. Doctor was shining and sparkling. Tasha saw her through the life liquid in her eyes. 

“Ha ha, thatth gooood, laff.” 

Her body was still tingling. “Tatha no feel dat bee for.”

“That not dat, Tasha,” said the woman but she was looking nicely at Tasha. She rubbed Girl’s head, her shoulder and patted her leg. Tasha made little rumble sound at the touch. “Ready to get up or do you want more laughter?”

More? More laughter?? Doctor always gives her things. Cloth. Food. Bed. Water. Laughter. Girl should try too. Try to be good for Doctor. She didn’t have anything to give her but she could try. 

*You try, Tasha.*

Tasha looked back and saw her shoes. She sat up and reached out to grab them, stretching and then rolled back holding them. She sat up and looked at Doctor right in the eyes. Holding up her shoes, she said, “Tatha keep for laa-der?”

“Yes, you may go barefoot whilst in sickbay. But you put them back on when we leave, Ok?”

Tasha will try to learn to wear shoes. For Doctor. 

“Oh-Kay.”

“Later, Tasha, not lader.”

And she would try to remember to say later. Not lader. 

“Oh-Kay.”

*You try, Tasha.*

Yes. Tasha will try.


	48. Found and Saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had some thoughts of when Tasha was found and made a start with Old Woman. I think there will be more. And more Tasha and Doctor too. I hope you like it.

She had been here when they colonized this world. It wasn’t great then either. 

She wasn’t from a rich family. She wasn’t from a middle class family. She was one of the hard working people they choose to make this colony work. 

Only it didn’t. 

Nothing would have worked. 

Too many people wanted control. Too many people wanted power. And in the end, none of them got it. 

She remembered. 

But she was strong enough to start a gang. A woman gang. And a strong woman gang at that. 

For a while, she had it good. She was the head of of a gang of strong women. The first of many. Because women were stronger than men. Better at providing to survive. But then men forgot that and just wanted gratification on the street. Things began to change. They didn’t care about mothers. They didn’t care about teenage girls. They didn’t care about girls. 

And she stopped caring about them. 

She became too old for her gang, they told her. A gang she created. So she turned them away. Turned away and went back to the rooms her parents had bought when they came here. They were her’s. She killed five men to keep these rooms. So they left her alone. They knew there was an old women there with a knife she would use. So they stayed away. It was a different time. 

Woman got used to being on her own. Her gang cast her out so she provided for herself. She found for herself and she protected herself. 

She got used to being in her own. 

Then one day....

A tiny girl. 

Standing alone. 

Dark hair. 

Clothed. 

Fairly clean. 

No shoes. 

Holding a cloth doll. 

What in the hell?

Why would someone leave their tiny girl alone on this colony? 

Tiny girl was just standing on the street corner, clutching the doll to her, head down and tears streaming down her face. 

Such a beautiful tiny girl would be ruined if the wrong people got hold of her. So she walked across the street and grabbed the tiny girl’s arm and pulled her with her. Tiny girl just yelped but quickly walked along with her. She pulled her all the way to her rooms. And tiny girl didn’t protest. 

Tiny girl was lucky it was Old Woman who had grabbed her. Had it been a boy gang, any gang, she would have been ruined. 

Once in her rooms, she looked closely at tiny girl. The girl wiped her face with her hands and looked up at the woman. It was obvious she didn’t know what was happening. Her eyes were cloudy and she was holding her cloth doll tightly. 

“Mommy?”

No. No mommy was coming for you, girl. 

“Mommy?”

Old Woman looked at the tiny girl. Poor thing. Her mother left her. But her eyes seemed glazed. Had her mother drugged her? Given her a downer? To keep her quiet? Tiny Girl was too calm. 

Poor thing. 

Little Girl was lucky Old Woman found her. She will keep the little thing safe. She would be useful for her. But she will be safe. 

“Mommy?”

“No. Mommy ain’t comin’ back, girl.”

Tiny girl blinked and then began to cry. Holding her doll tightly to her face, she cried into it. Old Woman carefully stroked her hair and pulled the tiny body to her. And held her. No reason to let the tiny thing hurt on her own. Not now she was going to be alone for the rest of her young life. So Old Woman held the tiny girl close while she cried. While she thought her mommy wasn’t coming back. 

Little girl was warm to hold. Warm like Old Woman hadn’t felt for many cycles. So she held her for as long as she cried. Just to feel the warmth. 

And little girl was beautiful. She had thick dark hair, clear light skin and bright blue eyes. Maybe five long cycles old. Old Woman vowed to keep her safe. She deserved that. 

So from this cycle, Tiny Girl was her’s. 

Tiny Girl cried herself to sleep so Old Woman picked her up and put her on her platform. She rolled over, hugging her doll and put her thumb in her mouth. And slept. Old Woman covered her up and went to check her food supply. Tiny Girl would be hungry when she wakes. 

That night, Old Woman slept with the girl and was warm for the first time this cold cycle. 

“Mommy, come back.”

Old Woman woke up to Girl’s voice. She was sitting on the side of the bed, talking to her doll. 

“Mommy come back for Tasha.” 

“No. Your mommy won’t be comin back for ya, Girl.”

Tiny Girl turned her head and stared at Old Woman. She looked confused. “No? No Mommy? Mommy give me medicine.”

“Girl, you dunt need no medicine. Nutting wrong wit ya. Now git off.”

She gave the girl a little shove and she fell off, landing on her feet. 

“You mean,” she said with a scowl. 

Pulling her tired body from her platform, Old Woman said, “Yeah I am. An you best listen en do wut I say, Girl.”

“Tasha.”

“No. I dunt want to know yer name, Girl. Yer Girl from now on.”

“Tasha.”

“No. And I am Woman to you.”

“I want Mommy,” Girl shouted. 

“Well tough. Mommy dint want ya en left ya. Yer mine now. Ole Woman will take care o ya.” 

Old Woman walked to her cupboard to get Girl  
something to eat. The girl talked too much. She was thinking taking her in was not a good idea. But when she looked back, Tiny Girl was still standing by her platform, doll limp by her side. Her face was pale and she looked close to tears. 

“Come ‘ere, Girl. Ave some food then we’ll cut yer hair.”

Girl walked over and stood dumbly by the woman. She looked up at her and held her hand out. A piece of bread with jam was put in her open little hand. As she ate it, Woman got her knife. She figured she’d cut the girl’s hair short and she’d look like a boy. That would take some looks away from her when she goes out with woman. 

Lifting the child up onto the rickety table, she picked up her knife. Tiny Girl blinked at her while  
she swung her legs back and forth, chewing. 

“Hold still, Girl.” Woman pulled her long hair out and started cutting it off. 

“Mommy no do this.” 

“Hold still. Yer mommy probly dunt do much if she left ya.”

“Mommy take medicine. Lotsa.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

“No Mommy?”

“No mommy.”

Tiny Girl went quiet. Woman was surprized how easily the child was taking this. Perhaps mommy had left her before. Stupid mommy. Doesn’t deserve a tiny girl. 

Once her hair was all cut off, Girl looked like a messy headed boy. That’s good. She just sat there, holding her doll to her chest, watching the old woman. 

First thing Old Woman needed to teach the tiny girl was to keep quiet. Not to talk. And Woman was going to have to be harsh with her lessons. Otherwise tiny girl would get hurt. Or worse. But as the girl had just lost her mommy, Woman thought she’d keep her inside for a few days, see if she is needy for her “medicine” and has to get over that. 

And Old Woman didn’t want to admit it, but she liked the tiny girl. She had a defiant streak in her. She will learn well. Old Woman would teach her to survive. Show her how to live in this god forsaken world. And then when Old Woman dies, she’ll at least have helped one desperate soul here. Then hopefully Tiny Girl will live on. 

Old Woman checked her food supply again while tiny girl nattered away with her doll. Woman chuckled as she had forgotten what a child was like. What a child did. What they enjoyed. Tiny Girl was happy chatting away with her stuffed cloth figure, still sitting on the beat up table, swinging her legs. 

Was that her only companion? When mommy was high on medicine??

Old Woman didn’t feel much lately but thinking of the child’s mother taking drugs over her child’s safety angered her. And she felt a soft spot developing for this Tiny Girl. She couldn’t show it though. Girl would become soft and reliant, would be distracted and get hurt. 

No. Old Woman was going to have to be harsh and strict with girl, to make her strong. So she would survive. 

Good. Old Woman had enough food supply for the two of them to stay in the rooms for a few days. Tiny Girl wasn’t very big so she wouldn’t eat too much. So she could start her lessons and girl could get off her “medicine.”

It did turn out Tiny Girl had been given something for quite a while. She soon began having headaches, throwing up and crying spells. Old Woman didn’t know what she was feeling during those spells as girl wouldn’t talk. So for a few days, they stayed inside while Tiny Girl’s body got through her need for the medicine her mommy had been giving her. 

To her credit, girl barely complained and was quiet about her pain. Old Woman had respect for that. Tiny Girl was a little soldier. So Woman gave her more of the supply of life liquid she had stored up. Poor little thing was leaking it out with her shakes and shivers. Old Woman was going to be strict with her lessons but she wasn’t a nasty witch. 

Within three cycles, Old Woman cared a lot for this child. 

Being on her own for ten long cycles after being kicked out of her gang, she finally found a companion. And one that she liked. She never had children. Strange as she had been caught out and smashed a few times. But she began to think of Tiny Girl as her girl. But she could only show her tough love. 

And soon Tiny Girl stopped asking for mommy. When she wasn’t needy of the medicine, her eyes were clear and she was so very present where she was. She asked questions and kept looking around. Her little cloth doll never leaving her grip. 

But Old Woman couldn’t understand everything Tiny Girl said. She spoke a slightly different speak. And girl didn’t always understand Woman. So she also had to teach girl her speak. Her speak. If they were out in the streets, Woman needed to know Girl understood her. Would listen to her. Do what she was told. Because everything could go wrong in a blink of an eye. 

Old Woman didn’t want to loose Tiny Girl. 

Not only was she company, she was warmth. She was an extra pair of hands to get food. An extra pair of eyes to keep watch. An extra pair of legs to search. And she was young, full of energy and strength that the old woman was loosing. 

So after a few days of Tiny Girl getting over her need of medicine, Old Woman had to go out. They now needed food and life liquid. Woman was too generous to Tiny Girl. She gave her too much in her moment of need. She didn’t regret it but she had to get out to get more. Her problem was what to do with Tiny Girl. Take her or lock her in the rooms? 

All of the food and life liquid would have to be taken. Old Woman hadn’t had money for many many many long cycles. Everything was “found.” When Tiny Girl was trained, she would be very good at finding these things. But she wasn’t. She was still a chattering little girl with her doll. 

And Old Woman hadn’t started being harsh with her yet. Yet. She stayed soft while the girl was getting off her need of the medicine. So Tiny Girl was going to have to stay in the rooms. 

“Girl. Ya need to stay here. In room. Ok?”

Old Woman told Tiny Girl and watched to see if she understood. 

Tiny Girl looked up at her. A hard stare. Ah, Old Woman thought, if that stare was a knife it would kill people. Good, girl. 

“Ole Wummin leave girl? Be back?”

Good girl. Clever. Learning speak. 

“Yes, Girl. Woman be back. Need ta git things. Stay ‘ere and be quiet.” 

“Be back?”

Poor thing was scared Old Woman wouldn’t come back. This made Woman angry about mommy again. No child should be afraid of being left. 

“Yes. Woman be back, Girl. Stay put.”

Tiny Girl nodded a lot. 

Ok. This was going to have to be a very good find today as Old Woman didn’t want to keep leaving Tiny Girl on her own. 

Old Woman was lucky. On the market street a vendor was attacked and there was fresh fruit and vegetables everywhere. She grabbed as much as she could and disappeared into the shadows. That was what she needed to teach Tiny Girl to do. She thought girl would be good at this. 

But Woman also wanted life liquid. Tiny Girl drank too much. Especially coming off medicine. So she hid her food find and went to a nearby green area. An area that hadn’t been destroyed by the bombs. Thus it may have life liquid storage. 

Had she looked here before? No. Why didn’t she? Was having Tiny Girl to look after making her think further? No matter. She was there now. And she found a large pool of life liquid. Is this life liquid good? She tasted it. And waited. She didn’t start to feel poorly. So she filled her two vessels full of it. There was so much life liquid here, Old Woman couldn’t believe she hadn’t found it before. She rushed as fast as her old body could back to her food find. She realized she couldn’t carry it all at once. Another reason taking Tiny Girl in was a good idea. She will be able to help. 

Soon. 

So she took her food find and life liquid back in to the rooms in two go’s. When she got back with all of the life liquid, Old Woman was tired. 

But she saw Tiny Girl curled up, asleep with her thumb in her mouth and cloth doll clutched to her chest on Woman’s platform. So she had to go get more life liquid. She had four more vessels for storage so she took all of them and slowly moved them back to her room after filling them. 

Old Woman was tired after. So tired. 

Tiny Girl was still asleep when she finished. Old Woman wanted to be mad but she wasn’t. Girl  
had lost her mommy and was coming off of her medicine so she would be tired. And Tiny Girl wouldn’t know Old Woman was letting her rest and being soft. Her hard lessons were still to come.


	49. Playfully Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, Everyone!!! 😀

She had left it in here. 

But it wasn’t there. 

Where was her lab coat? 

She always left it on her chair. Always. 

Unless it needed cleaning. But that didn’t take long. 

Dr Pulaski searched her office again. There was a pair of blue shoes under her desk but the blue coat was no where to be found. 

Ah. Blue. 

The doctor walked out to the main room. “Where’s Tasha?”

Jessica pointed to a med bay, not the one Tasha had stayed in, saying “She snuck in there a while ago.”

Dr Pulaski walked to the open door and looked in. Tasha was standing at the med bed, with some of her contraband lined up on the sheet, putting a puzzle together. She was talking to herself, quietly repeating words her English lesson had taught her and tilting her head from side to side. 

And she was wearing the doctor’s lab coat. 

It hung off of her bony shoulders but the sleeves were the correct length. Tasha had long limbs. 

“Ahem.”

Tasha jumped and had the decency to look startled. “Ah Doc-tor!!” 

She quickly gathered up her contraband and hid them in the coat’s pockets. “Puthle.” 

“Puzzle, Tasha. And why are you wearing my coat?”

“Hmm?” She looked so innocent, with her eyes squinting and her head cocked to the right. 

Dr Pulaski walked in and up to the child, causing her to step back and look up. 

“Tatha no do. Not Tatha,” she was quick to say. 

“Ha ha,” the doctor smiled. Tugging the coat’s hem, “why are you wearing my coat?”

“Oh.”

“Yes, Oh.”

Tasha looked at the coat and at the doctor. She did that a few times and appeared to be thinking up an excuse. Or at least an excuse she could articulate. She was really picking up on English now. Though she seemed to understand more than she could speak. 

“Blooo?”

“Yes, it’s blue but that doesn’t mean it’s your's. I need that for my examinations, Tasha.”

“Oh, Doc-torth? Tatha give Doc-tor coat,” she said, transferring her hidden items from the pocket to under her shirt. 

Dr Pulaski shook her head, smiling. *What a little kleptomaniac. Still.* 

Tasha handed the doctor her coat, looking a little too magnanimous. Her eyes were sparkling with mischievousness. 

It was going to be one of those days. Where Tasha was playful and trouble. Good trouble. She was never bad. But when she was in a good mood she was a handful. Though Tasha had her low moods and then, she was unreachable. Whatever the doctor did, she could not get through the barrier Tasha put up. It was hard and torture for the doctor so she could only imagine what Tasha was feeling. 

But she’d take playful Tasha any day. 

A thought?

“Why did you take my coat, Tasha?”

That caught the child off guard. She looked around. There were no answers over her shoulders so she raised her eyebrows and arms, “Tatha be Doc-Tor.”

That. Was. Not Expected. 

Dr Pulaski took a deep breath in and was lost for words. Tasha was pretending to be her. She knew Tasha looked to her for anything she needed but Tasha wanted to be like her. *Wow.*

Breathtaking. 

Smiling at the girl, the doctor placed her coat back around her shoulders. “Today, you can be whomever you want to be.”

Tasha opened her mouth in a toothless smile, eyes wide and eyebrows high. She stood a little straighter. “Doc-tor Tatha?”

Throwing her head back with laughter, “Yes, Tasha, Dr Tasha!”

“Time too laaafff?”

“You want to laugh, Tasha?”

“Yeth, pleathe, Tatha happee.”

She was practically bouncing on her toes. 

With a warm pain in her chest, Dr Pulaski reached out and tickled Tasha gently on her left side. Tasha quickly laughed and pulled away, swatting the doctor’s hand. The girl just stood still, trying to take a breath in. But then she leaned in, and placed her head on the doctor’s chest. She was breathing heavily and starting to hiccup. 

She was crying. Tasha hiccuped when she cried. But she never made noise. 

Gently, Dr Pulaski placed her hand on the girl’s back, her cheek on her head and soothed her, “It’s OK, Tasha.”

And let her cry.

How quickly she changed. Her moods were quick and could be short. But the doctor tried to be there with her. For her. So they just stood there, quietly. Tasha breathing against her chest, her skinny body shaking. 

"It’s OK, Tasha."

As the girl began to still, Dr Pulaski rubbed her back gently. 

“Dr Tasha, are you going to help me today with my patients?”

Tasha stepped back and tucked her chin into her chest, hiccuped and wiped her nose. Her ears were pink. “Yeth, pleathe,” said ever so quietly. 

The doctor helped her slip her arms through her coat. And she whispered, “Come on, let’s see who’s first.”

Tasha imperceptibly nodded and followed the doctor. 

“What do we have, Jessica?”

Jessica looked up, saw Tasha and smiled at her. “The usual, boss. Two security officers who have injured themselves training.”

Always. Always security officers. Why did they push themselves too far?

“Ok. Dr Tasha and I will see to them,” she said and smiled sideways at Tasha. She shied her head away but stayed at the doctor’s side. 

Jessica beamed, looked directly at Tasha and pointed, “Bays Three and Five. Go get them, doctors.”

She gave Tasha a thumbs up. 

Tasha looked at her funny. Then imitated the gesture, much to Jessica’s delight. 

Bay Three held a man in his mid twenties, dressed in a white Karate uniform, sitting on the bed, holding his arm gingerly to his chest. 

Tasha immediately moved behind the doctor, the real doctor, who did her best to shield her. 

“Ok,” looking at her padd, “Ensign Thago. What has happened?”

“Well, Doctor, I was sparring and got caught out in a move and it seems I’ve dislocated my arm.”

He looked at Tasha, hiding. He smiled. “Hello. I heard you were aboard. I was in one of the teams to go down to your home world. It was appalling. I’m glad you escaped.” 

Ensign Thago seemed very genuine and sweet towards Tasha. But she shied away, tucking under the doctor’s arm. 

“Dr Tasha is a little scared still, Ensign. Don’t take it personally.”

“Oh, believe me, Doctor, I don’t. Those of us who saw the colony were appalled. We were so happy you saved someone from there. And a child, well...” he muttered off. “I’m sorry she’s afraid of me.”

Dr Pulaski smoothed Tasha’s soft hair, to let her know she was not forgotten. Tasha leaned into the doctor’s side. Was she shaking?

“Yes, she’s had a difficult life but we’re trying to make it better,” she said while scanning Ensign Thago. His shoulder was definitely dislocated. He nodded in sympathy. 

“This is going to hurt. Unless you want a pain killer?"

Ensign Thago looked at Tasha and said, "No, if she can endure her life, I can take a joint dislocation."

He smiled at her. 

Tasha shrunk back, hiding behind the doctor. 

“Okay this will hurt, briefly," and she massaged the muscle and tugged the ,shoulder back in place. The Ensign snorted in pain but kept it fairy quiet to his credit. He moved his arm around, thanked the doctor and nodded at Tasha. After a moment of frowning, Tasha gave him a thumbs up. 

Ensign Thago laughed. “Dr Tasha has a great bedside manner, Doctor.”

“Yes, she’s a regular little clown,” she said with feeling, messing up Tasha's freshly cropped hair. Tasha looked up at her with a smile in her eyes. “Do you have a scanner, Dr Tasha?”

“Thcanner?” Her eyebrows popped up, “Yeth Yeth,” and she rooted around in the coat pocket. Tasha held up her hand scanner reverently.

“Thank you, Dr Tasha.”

Dr Pulaski checked the ensign’s shoulder for any damage. It seemed his fitness and youth kept him in good stead. “All good to go, Ensign. Be mindful of the shoulder for a few days but you will be fine.”

“Thank you, Doctor. Any advice from Tasha?”

Tasha looked surprized, glancing up at Dr Pulaski, who encouraged her with a nod. Then she said, “Bee mind-ful of tholder. Enthin be fine.”

“Aye aye, Doctor,” he said chuckling. “Thank you,” and he left sickbay. Tasha stared a hole in the spot he had been. 

“You did very well, Tasha,” she said to the girl, handing her scanner back. The scanner was quickly hidden in the pocket again. “Shall we go see our next patient?”

Tasha thought, then stood tall, “Yeth.”

And they walked to Bay Five. Lying on the bed was a young woman in a white Karate uniform. And she was the polar opposite of Tasha. Tall, muscular, long black hair in braids and dark skin. 

“Hello, Doctor,” she greeted and took in Tasha with the medical coat on. “And your little assistant. You must be Tasha. Hello."

There was no response. Tasha was standing near the door where she froze, staring unabashedly with her mouth open. Breathing hard. 

“Tasha.” Snapping her fingers when she didn’t get a response, “Tasha.”

Suddenly, Tasha swivelled her head to the doctor. “Ah, yeth?”

“Don’t stare, Tasha. It’s rude.”

“Rood. Tatha no thtare,” and then to the woman, “Thawry.”

Tasha then did something she hadn’t done before. She walked up to the woman, hand in a pocket, pointed to herself and said, “Tatha.”

The girl seemed to take a long, slow breath in while the young woman responded. 

“Lieutenant Akinyemi.”

“Loo-ten-ant Aa-kin-yemee,” Tasha repeated carefully. 

“Yes, but you can call me Amie.”

Watching the Lieutenant, Tasha seemed to steady her stance, hold something in one of the coat's pockets tight. 

“Amee, yeth,” and Tasha nodded. 

In utter disbelief, Dr Pulaski shook her head, “Well, Lieutenant, it seems Dr Tasha likes you.”

Tasha’s eyes sparkled. She blurted out, “Tatha like Amee. Tatha no like thooos.”

“Thooos?”

“Shoes. She doesn’t like wearing shoes,” and the doctor pointed at the girl’s bare feet. 

Amie laughed. “Fair enough, kid.”

Tasha’s eyes were sparkling with an unshed smile. 

“So, it seems you have pulled the muscle in your left knee. Well, a little tear actually. This wouldn’t be from the same move that dislocated Ensign Thago’s shoulder, would it?”

“I won,” was the answer. 

“Dith-locaded tholder. Amee hath pulled muthle,” Tasha said, holding her scanner out like she knew how to operate it. It whirred away, beeping, while she held it up at the lieutenant. 

Smiling, “Very good, Dr Tasha. Now what do you suggest we do?”

Tasha looked at the scanner like it held the answer. She looked at Lt Akinyemi then to the doctor. She appeared to be thinking. Her eyebrows furrowed down, “Make Amee feel good?”

“And how do we do that?”

Now Tasha’s eyebrows popped up and she looked playful again, “Tickle, Amee!!”

Both women laughed. 

“Why would you tickle me?” asked Amie.

“Tickling Tasha makes her laugh and she feels good.”

“Makes sense.”

Dr Pulaski was amazed with Tasha’s behavior towards the lieutenant. Other than herself, the girl hadn’t initiated any kind of communication or contact with anyone. And here Tasha was standing next to the young woman pretending to medically assess her. Just yesterday she didn’t want to walk around in shoes. Whatever it was, this was a good sign. And the doctor was hoping that the lieutenant liked teenagers as she was going to be roped in to help her with Tasha. 

“All right, Lieutenant, I am going to heal your muscle but you will need to stay here for a little bit while it does.” The doctor almost wanted to say, and I’m am leaving a fifteen year old orphan with you, please take care of her. 

But....

“That’s great, doctor. Will Tasha keep me company?”

Dr Pulaski looked at the young woman, to see if she was joking but she seemed sincere and genuine. “Tasha may very well stay here with you, if she wants.” 

“Excellent. Dr Tasha is a bit of a celebrity here. It would be nice to get to know her.”

A day before, those words would have been unbelievable but seeing Tasha with Amie changed things. 

Meanwhile, Tasha was listening to this, looking back and forth. She raised her hand and said, “Tatha thtay with Amee pleathe.” Her scanner was no where to be seen. 

“Ok then. Let me repair Amie’s muscle and I’ll be off,” Dr Pulaski said. 

She got out the necessary equipment, with Tasha looking at everything, asking what it does. It was nice when she did this as she was learning but now she was slowing up the doctor’s process. But she didn’t want to be angry with the girl. Dr Pulaski wanted the girl to be curious and inquisitive. So it was a difficult line for the doctor and she had to breathe though the frustration. 

While she finished setting it up, Lt Akinyemi distracted Tasha and was chatting away with her. How was that even possible? A definite keeper. Listening in, Tasha was talking about her cat and being safe, using the words she knows. But the lieutenant was listening and not pushing the conversation. Leaving it to Tasha to lead, which the doctor found fascinating. 

Dr Pulaski healed the lieutenant’s knee muscle and ordered her to rest. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes to check up on you.”

Tasha was standing next to the bed, hands in the coat pockets, fiddling with her contraband, paying attention to everything. Her eyebrows curled up, worried.

“Doc-tor be back?”

“Yes, Tasha, I’ll be back to check up on Amie.”

Tasha looked to the doctor, to Amie and back, almost like she was unsure. 

Amie spoke up, “Hey, Tasha, it’s ok if you want to go with the doctor. But it’s also Ok if you want to stay with me.” 

Speaking that word, OK, matched Tasha’s world of safe. How on earth did this woman know to use that word? Tasha looked up at the doctor and asked, “Tatha thtay with Amee?”

“Yes, Tasha, of course you can stay with Amie. I will be back.”

Tasha nodded and looked to Amie with enthusiasm as the doctor left the room. She had to admit, it felt wrong to leave Tasha there. But when she looked back, Tasha was animated and standing next to the lieutenant. She looked comfortable and relaxed. 

Dr Pulaski smiled, shaking her head and went to her office to update the medical records. She was only in there for five minutes before Tasha came running in, full pelt, skidding to a clumsy halt. Startled and worried, “Tasha, what’s wrong?” 

"Whereth Tathath padd?" Her eyes were big with worry.

"Your padd?"

"Yeth yeth, Tathath padd," Tasha rushed out. "Where?" She held her open hands out. "Need thow Amee thumtink," she said much slower, looking under the desk. 

The doctor pushed her chair back as Tasha was climbing around her legs to search under the desk, laughing. Tasha looked up at her, with a serious frown, "Not laffing time. Tatha need padd."

"Yes, you are right, Tasha. No time for laughing. And it’s something, not sometink." That earned her another frown. "Where did you leave it last?"

Tasha sat cross legged under the desk, in deep thought, "Tatha no no."

Her eyes lit up and she then clambered out from under the desk, "Puthle!" She exclaimed loudly, running from the office, the medical coat billowing out like a cape. Dr Pulaski chuckled and followed the girl. Tasha was in such a hurry, she grabbed the open door frame to swing into the room where she had been putting her puzzle together. Dr Pulaski leaned against the door watching. Tasha looked around her puzzle, under the box, spun around on the spot scanning the counter tops, then got down on her knees to look underneath everything. She was mumbling ,"no Ok no ok no ok," over and over. 

"AH! Tatha thee padd," she shouted very loudly. She came out from under the counter backwards, wiggling from side to side. The girl stood up and looked to the doctor with an open mouth, almost smiling, "Whew!" And she held her padd out with both hands for Dr Pulaski to see. "Doc-tor laff."

"Time to laugh now, Tasha?" She said, holding her laughter in. 

"Yeth yeth! Tatha thee Amee," and she ran out the door. 

Dr Pulaski looked to where she disappeared and back at the counter. Has the child been hiding things again? The doctor walked over and looked under the counter. She couldn’t see anything but reached under and felt along the frame. She pulled out another flashlight. "The little thief," she laughed and put the light back. 

She walked out to the main area and found Jessica. "We are going to have to start doing inventory of the medical equipment, especially hand held items. Tasha is picking things up. I don’t want her to get hold of a scalpel or something equally as dangerous."

"Of course, Doctor. Do you think you couldn’t just talk to her about it? Maybe ask her to stop?"

"I will but just to be on the safe side, keep track of all the equipment, please."

Dr Pulaski followed the sound of Tasha's voice back to Bay Five. The girl was sitting on the side of the bed next to Amie, explaining her padd to the lieutenant in simple words mixed with her language. Watching from the door, the doctor was amazed with Tasha’s change. Did Amie remind her of someone? Seeing how relaxed Tasha was with her, it seemed like she found an old friend. Or a role model. Or a big sister. 

Whatever it was, Dr Pulaski was thoroughly enjoying seeing Tasha this engaged and casual. Smiling to herself, she left them to it and returned to her office to complete the work from this afternoon.


	50. Safe to Play

Ah!

Morning!

New cycle. 

Tasha woke up and climbed out of bed. She saw she was alone in her room. The light was off. And she could hear Doctor resting in the next room. She liked being awake before Doctor. She liked how Doctor greeted her. An upturned mouth and a “Good Morning.” Always made Girl feel real. 

So she decided to always get off of her platform and be ready for Doctor if she wasn’t up. 

Ah!!!

Bed!! Tasha knew this speak now. Use it, Girl. That’s what she had to do with Old Woman. Use her speak. So she could understand. And be understood. Be useful. 

So Tasha was awake and waiting. She felt good. She felt full of energy. She walked around her room to loosen up her body. Then got herself a vessel of water and listened to her PADD, standing by the table. Luckily, it wasn’t long this morning. Doctor came out soon, turned her mouth up and asked if Tasha wanted breakfast. 

Ah. 

If she said yes, what would she get? She had been eating Doctor’s thick liquid food. Soup. But that was the last eat of a cycle. 

So she said yes, just to see. She didn’t have to eat it, after all. She could say no here. 

Tasha got something called “scrambled eggs” which she remembered from when she had a bad bad sleep see and was bad to Doctor. She had eaten it and it was nice. So she nodded and tried to turn her mouth up, saying “yummy,” so Doctor knew she would eat it. 

Doctor laughed. And Tasha tried to laugh as well. That made Doctor rub her head. Which she liked. 

And she did eat the scrambled eggs. It was warm and tasted nice. She wanted more but didn’t want to ask for it. And Doctor didn’t offer her more this “morning”. 

Then they got ready for their trip to “sickbay”. Tasha got under the ONOFF and dressed, choosing all gang colored clothes: top, under and bottom cloth today! Even her shoes!! They were all there so she took them all. Put them all on and looked up at Doctor for her praise. Which she got. A big upturned mouth and rub on the shoulder. 

This was a good Day!! 

Tasha felt strong on their walk to sickbay and ignored the other people, ignored the moving room and just looked to Doctor. Once there, Doctor led her to her room and said she had to go. 

Tasha watched her leave and remembered she was head of her gang and very important. But she had made sure Tasha was safe and put her in her room. 

Ah. Oh-Kay. Tasha looked around. First, she took her shoes off. She was allowed to walk without them in sickbay and in their rooms. So she put them under Doctor’s table to keep safe. Then she saw Doctor’s gang colored over cloth on her seat. So she wasn’t wearing it this cycle. Ah!!! This day! Tasha slapped her head to try to remember new speak. 

Tasha touched the over cloth. It was soft. It was bloo. It smelled nice so she picked it up and pulled it on. Sliding her arms into the nice soft cloth. Pulling it right around her body, smelling it’s nice scent. 

Ah. It smelled like Doctor. 

Tasha wanted to wear it. Wanted to keep it. It was like having Doctor with her when she wasn’t. 

Yes. Keep it on. 

So she felt it and found places to put things. Ah yes! She had found the scalpel here before. Secret hides. Very useful. So Tasha put her things in these places. Her scalpel. Her scanner. And her spoon. But she kept her flash light close. That was the most useful. She could see in darkness with this. Then Tasha looked around, smelled the flower on Doctor’s table and went to the door. Looking out, she saw she could get to her puzzle room without having to run and hide. No one she didn’t know was wandering around. With her PADD in her hand, she moved quietly between Doctor’s room and her puzzle room. And picked something new up on the way. 

Then she was there. Safe. 

Ah! Tasha still had the “nack.” 

*Ya arr good Girl. Ya move quiet and good. Yes. Good. Ya have the nack.*

She was told this by Old Woman. So she must be good. Praise wasn’t just given out. She missed Old Woman. Sometimes. 

She looked around. No one was here so she pulled her things out and placed them on the bed by her puzzle. Tasha wanted to see them. To think of them. She looked at the thing she had just picked up. It was grey and clean, like everything here. It was shaped like a half circle with square things on the end. Hmm. Tasha had no idea what it was or what it would do. But it could be useful. 

Then she thought of what her PADD had told her earlier. When she couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t rest. She couldn’t loose that. So she hid her PADD. Under the other table. Like she had done first here. She wasn’t sure why. It was important. She just thought she had to. Hide it. And did. 

Then she stood back up by her puzzle. And remembered what her PADD had told her earlier. So she thought about it. But didn’t look at it because she had hid it. 

And repeated it. Spoke it aloud. So she could remember it. She had recited it all. And remembered it. Remembered it all. Tasha felt she could soon start speaking with Doctor. Tell her what was happening in her head. 

Hopefully. 

But she felt good. So she started to put her new puzzle together. She counted the pieces in Doctor’s talk while she did it. Just because she knew how to now. 

“One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Thith. Theven. Eight...”

“Ahem.”

Ah! 

Tasha jumped at the sound. Doctor was standing at the door. “Ah Doc-Tor!!”

She quickly grabbed her things and hid them in the secret hides of the over cloth. Tasha pointed to the platform, “Puthle.”

Doctor looked at her, carefully, “Puzzle, Tasha.”

Wasn’t that what she said? Puzzle?? 

“And why are you wearing my coat?”

“Hmm?” Tasha listened and thought about what Doctor said. “You” was something Doctor said about Tasha sometimes. Then Doctor walked up to her quickly! 

Ah! Is she in trouble? Tasha stepped back and looked up. Looked around. 

“Tatha no do. Not Tatha,” she said quickly to tell Doctor it wasn’t her. Just in case Doctor had noticed something was missing from the big room. 

Doctor turned her mouth up and dropped her head to the side. “Ha ha. Why are you wearing my coat?” The woman said, tugging the bottom of the over cloth Tasha was wearing. 

“Oh.”

Doctor’s over cloth. Tasha had put it on. It smelled nice and she liked having it. Tasha was “wearing” it. The “coat”.

“Yes, Oh.”

Doctor looked at her nicely. And looked like she wanted to know something. Something from Tasha. What? Maybe why she had Doctor’s over cloth? Yes! Must be. Tasha didn’t normally wear it. Why would she take it? She liked it because it smelled of Doctor. But how to say that? She also liked it because it was gang color. 

“Blooo?”

The word popped out of her mouth. 

Doctor’s mouth turned up more. She reached out and touched Tasha’s shoulder. “Yes, it’s blue but that doesn’t mean it’s your’s. I need that for my examinations, Tasha.”

“Oh, Doc-torth?” Tasha raised her eyes. Doctor wanted it back. It was her over cloth. Tasha was wrong to take it. “Tatha give Doc-tor coat.”

Use Doctor’s words and she got an upturned mouth. So Tasha quickly moved her things from the secret hides to under her top cloth and pulled the coat from her arms. She missed the warmth of it right away but looked up at Doctor, who was shaking her head and had her mouth up. This made Tasha feel good. She tried to think of how to tell Doctor this. Tell her she felt good. That she liked being here. 

But Doctor spoke first. 

“Why did you take my coat, Tasha?”

Tasha listened. She thought. What? What did she hear?

“Why did you take my coat, Tasha?”

Ah! Why! Question. You. Tasha. Coat. Doctor’s over cloth. 

“Take”? Hmm. Tasha didn’t know this word. But she knew why Tasha had the coat. Hmm. Tasha took it because it smelled like Doctor. It smelled nice. So that must be the answer. 

She looked at Doctor and raised her arms, “Tatha be Doc-Tor.”

Doctor stood still. She seemed to freeze. Tasha was worried for a moment. But then the woman lifted her mouth and put the over cloth back over the girl’s shoulders. 

“Today, you can be whomever you want to be.”

Tasha was surprized. She dropped her mouth and tried to turn it up. Doctor gave her back the over cloth to wear. If she had doubted it before, she couldn’t now. 

Tasha was a member of Doctor’s gang. 

She gave Girl her cloth. Her Cloth. Gang colored bloo cloth that Doctor wore. 

Tasha stood tall. With the over cloth on her body. 

“Doc-Tor Tatha?”

Then Doctor laughed. Loud. Doctor was happy. Tasha’s chest felt tight. And warm. 

“Yes, Tasha, Dr Tasha!”

Doctor was happy. 

“Time too laaafff?”

“You want to laugh, Tasha?”

Yes. Tasha wanted to laugh with Doctor. Be happy with her. “Yeth, pleathe, Tatha happee.”

With her upturned mouth, Doctor reached her hands out and tickled the girl’s side. It made her laugh. But when she laughed, something happened. 

Like a wave of wind. 

Something blew through her little body. Her heart felt tight and hurt. Like when the hot hot air came into an alley and it was hard to breathe. 

So. Hard. To breathe in. 

She didn’t want to laugh now. So she swatted Doctor’s hand. Carefully. She wanted to be still. Still with Doctor. 

So she stepped towards the woman and leaned in. Leaned her head on the woman’s chest. 

And breathed. 

It was hard. Hard to breathe. Her breath jumped. Her stomach was twisting. What was happening? The day had been so good. Tasha had felt so good. 

And she got a real gang cloth given to her by Doctor. She was now a part of her gang. 

A part of a gang. 

Tasha wasn’t alone anymore. She was a part of something. And she didn’t realize how being so alone had wound her up so tight that she now felt loose. Loose like her body would fall apart. But Doctor was there to hold her together. 

Doctor was close enough Girl could reach out and hold onto her. So she did. She laid her head on her chest. And Doctor held onto her. She put her hand on the girl’s back and she could feel Doctor’s quiet words on top of her head. 

“It’s OK, Tasha.”

So Tasha felt safe to stay there and let this strange feeling flood through her. She thought if she stayed with Doctor, she would never feel lonely again. Would never feel hurt again. 

And it was Oh-Kay to stay like this. Still leaning against Doctor. Touching Doctor. And she made sure to not make a sound. So she wouldn’t get a slap. But her eyes leaked. And her nose leaked. And her body kept doing jumps when she tried to breathe in. 

“It’s OK, Tasha.”

And still Doctor didn’t let go. Didn’t move away. 

Didn’t leave her. 

“Dr Tasha, are you going to help me today with my patients?”

With another body jump, Tasha backed up, hid her face while she wiped it She could feel her head heat up. Doctor called her doctor and she wanted to do whatever Doctor was going to do today. Whatever. 

“Yeth, pleathe.” Her voice had abandoned her. 

“Come on,” and Doctor spoke just as quiet as Girl. She helped Girl put her arms back through the over cloth. “Let’s see who’s first.”

Tasha liked it when Doctor spoke to her quietly. Spoke to her words meant just for her. She wondered if this was what it felt like to have someone take care of her. So she followed Doctor out into the big room. Only the fire headed woman was there. 

“What do we have, Jessica?” Doctor spoke with strength. 

Jessica turned her mouth up at Tasha. Tasha realized all of Doctor’s gang did this. She was going to have to learn. 

“The usual, boss. Two security officers who have injured themselves training.”

Tasha didn’t understand these words. She knew “two”. A number. One more than one. But, ah, she was just going to trust Doctor and go with her. 

“Ok. Dr Tasha and I will see to them.” And Doctor looked down to her, with an upturned mouth. She called Tasha doctor again. Maybe Doctor was taking her as her second? Tasha ducked her head as she could feel it heat up again, but stayed close to Doctor. 

Fire headed woman had a big upturned mouth looking right at Tasha, but she pointed at other small rooms, speaking, “Bays Three and Five. Go get them, doctors.”

And fire woman held her strong side finger up at Girl. Huh? 

Tasha heard three and five. Numbers. But this hand thing seemed important so Tasha imitated it back to the woman. And this made fire woman laugh! Tasha backed into a small room with Doctor, not taking her eyes off the fire woman. 

But when she turned around, she saw a man on the platform!! 

Ah! Tasha moved behind Doctor and reached for her scalpel. But Doctor stood strong and spoke to the man. 

“Ok. Ensign Thago. What happened?” 

Doctor was holding her PADD. But had no weapon. So Tasha kept her hand on her scalpel should she need to protect her. 

The man said, “Well, Doctor. I was sparring and got caught out in a move and it seems I’ve dislocated my arm.”

Tasha listened to what the man said and peeked around Doctor to see him. See if he had a weapon. 

“Hello. I heard you were aboard. I was in one of the teams to go down to your home world. It was appalling. I’m glad you escaped.”

Man spoke to her. Tasha didn’t understand it all. But she watched him. He was sitting. Holding his arm. He was hurt. That was good for Tasha if he attacked. She knew his weak spot. But he spoke nicely. Like Doctor’s woman gang. But he was a man. 

Tasha noticed Doctor didn’t even flinch when man spoke. She was so strong! So Tasha just tucked herself a little behind Doctor. Enough to not get in the way but close enough to jump in should man become danger. 

“Dr Tasha is a little scared still, Ensign. Don’t take it personally.”

Doctor spoke. And called her Doctor in front of man. Doctor was letting him know of Tasha’s place in her gang. That was good. A good sign. Tasha was being recognized. 

“Oh, believe me, Doctor, I don’t. Those of us who saw the colony were appalled. We were so happy you saved someone from there. And a child, well,” Tasha couldn’t understand all of what he said. 

He spoke too quick. But he dropped his head and looked sad. That was weird. 

Doctor then rubbed her hand across Girl’s short soft head and she relaxed. Doctor had control so she took a risk, she leant into Doctor’s side for softness. Being in the same room with a man was making her shake. And she wanted to look strong for Doctor. But she shook. 

Doctor talked to man but Tasha didn’t listen. Suddenly man looked at her. Looked at a girl. 

“No, if she can endure her life, I can take a joint dislocation.”

Why was he looking at her? She felt weird and wanted to not be seen so moved more behind Doctor. Tasha didn’t want man to want her. 

But Doctor stepped away, towards the man!! And Doctor touched him!! Putting her hands on his shoulder. She spoke and pulled his arm. He looked in pain but kept quiet. 

Ah. 

Did man do something wrong? Did he do something right? Doctor gave him pain and he stayed quiet. But then...

“Thank you, Doctor.”

Man thanked Doctor. And looked at Girl. With an upturned mouth. What could she do? She was confused so she did what she just learned. She turned her strong side finger up at man. 

Man laughed and said, “Dr Tasha has a great bedside manner, Doctor.”

Man called her doctor. He knew she was second to Doctor. Maybe he wasn’t going to hurt her. So she looked to Doctor when she rubbed Girl’s soft head. 

“Yes, she’s a regular little clown.” 

Doctor called her a clown before. When she walked in her shoes. Tasha tried to turn her mouth up, to show she understood. But Doctor spoke to her, “Do you have a scanner, Dr Tasha?”

Tasha recognised that!! Yes yes!!!

“Thcanner?? Yeth yeth!” And Tasha pulled out her scanner from her hidden hide in the over cloth. She held it up, proudly for Doctor to take. She was now Doctor’s second after all. 

“Thank you, Dr Tasha.”

Tasha felt good. She was a part of this. Whatever Doctor was doing to the man. And Doctor buzzed the scanner over man’s arm where she had touched him. Then she spoke. Doctor spoke with strength. With firmness. With authority. 

“All good to go, Ensign. Be mindful of the shoulder for a few days but you will be fine.” 

Tasha heard every word. It was said so strong. But she didn’t understand it all. But she heard. 

“Thank you, Doctor. Any advice from Tasha?”

She heard her name. Tasha. Man was speaking to her. Why? Doctor looked at Girl like she needed to to say something. Doctor smiled and nodded her head. Tasha needed to say something. 

She was Second. 

What had she heard?? She picked out words she understood or near enough thought she did and spoke them. 

“Bee mind-ful of thoulder. Enthin be fine.”

The man laughed, speaking, “Aye aye, Doctor. Thank you.”

And he walked out of the room. 

Tasha watched, amazed. The man didn’t try to hurt either her or Doctor. Well she was more surprized he didn’t hurt her because she was a just girl. 

Oh! Doctor was speaking to her! 

“You did very well, Tasha,” and Doctor gave Girl her scanner back. Ah! She hid it again in her secret over cloth hide. 

“Shall we go see our next patient?”

Tasha wasn’t sure what Doctor said. She knew Jes-Sica said two numbers and this was three so maybe they had to go to five. And what was a “patient”? Doctor said that a few times. But Tasha had made the decision to do whatever Doctor did when she gave her her gang cloth so...

“Yeth.”

And Doctor nodded her head and walked strongly out of this little room back to the big room. And then back into another little room. Tasha kept her hand on her scalpel just in case. 

Tasha kept her eyes up and alert. And she saw a woman. 

A woman like she had never seen. 

She stopped. 

She couldn’t move. 

This woman was on the platform. Dressed in light coloured cloth but dark skin and so tall. And so strong. So very strong. 

She had never seen such a strong woman. 

Tasha wanted to be strong. 

Tasha could hear herself breathing. 

Snap. 

Snapping. 

Huh?

“Tasha.”

Tasha looked to her side and Doctor was touching her shoulder. 

“Ah, yeth?”

“Don’t stare, Tasha. It’s rude.”

What? What did she do? She wasn’t sure but she listened to Doctor’s words and said, “Rood. Tatha no thtare.” Because she didn’t. Whatever that meant. Then she remembered there was another woman. One she did not know. One who was strong. 

“Thawry.”

This other woman stayed on the platform, didn’t move. Tasha wanted to know her. Not just because she was strong but she could challenge Doctor. So she needed to step up. Go in. Before strong woman made a move. 

Tasha needed to move now to make sure Doctor stayed safe. So she walked right up to strong woman, with her hand on her scalpel in her secret hide. 

“Tatha,” she said and pointed to herself. 

Stay strong. Stand straight. Be Doctor’s shield. 

The woman looked right at the girl. Tasha was a little scared when she did but she breathed through the small shake to protect Doctor. 

“Lieutenant Akinyemi.”

Ah! Woman’s name. She had two! Long. And hard. But Tasha tried. 

“Loo-ten-ant Aa-kin-yemee.”

“Yes, but you can call me Amie,” the woman then said. 

Tasha listened carefully and watched woman but she stayed on the platform. And made no move. Woman has another name. 

“Amee, yeth,” she said, and nodded. She wanted woman to know she understood. Now standing closer, Tasha looked at Amee. She was so much bigger than Tasha. Bigger than Doctor! But she didn’t wear Doctor’s gang color. But Doctor didn’t seem scared. Tasha looked back at Doctor. Doctor was turning her mouth up and shaking her head. So she was Oh-Kay. 

“Well, Lieutenant, it seems Dr Tasha liked you.”

Tasha tried to turn her mouth up. Two things happened there. One, Doctor was not scared of Amee. Two, Doctor called her doctor. That told Amee Tasha was her’s. So Tasha felt like she could relax a little. 

What did Doctor say? That Tasha “liked” Amee. She did. She wanted to be apart of this speak so she needed something to say. So she said what popped into her head. 

“Tatha like Amee. Tatha no like thooos.”

“Thooos?” Amee looked confused. 

But Doctor spoke first. “Shoes.”

Wasn’t that what Tasha said?? Shoes? 

“She doesn’t like wearing shoes,” and Doctor pointed at her feet. 

Then Amee laughed. Now that Tasha knew what that was, it didn’t confuse her. But she was surprized. This woman who could challenge Doctor laughed. And her laugh was deep and warm. Tasha liked it. Liked it like how she liked Doctor’s laugh. Or her upturned mouth. 

“Fair enough, kid.”

Tasha looked to Doctor for her response, feeling good in herself. But Doctor was all strong and boss again. She had her PADD in her hand and was looking from that to something on the wall. 

“So, it seems you have pulled the muscle in you left knee. Well, a little tear actually. This wouldn’t be from the same move that dislocated Ensign Thago’s shoulder, would it?”

Tasha listened to every word. Doctor was speaking. And speaking with power and strength. She was going to remember this. And she was going to help. Be the Second. 

“I won,” said Amee. 

But Tasha wanted to show that she knew she was Second and that she was here to help Doctor. So she did what happened in the last little room. She pulled out her scanner and turned it on. It whirred and beeped. She passed it as close to Amee as she felt safe. And spoke what she heard. So Doctor knew she was listening. 

“Dith-locaded thoulder. Amee hath pulled muthle,” she said, trying to look at both her scanner like she knew what it was doing and keeping an eye on Amee, should she try anything. 

Doctor looked over at her with a big up turned mouth. “Very good, Dr Tasha. Now what do you suggest we do?”

Huh? Doctor asked a question. What? She wasn’t expecting that. She looked at her scanner. Doctor was suppose to be boss and say what was going to happen. Tasha thought. Thought quickly. Amee is hurt. Tasha thought about how Doctor made her feel good when she felt bad. 

“Make Amee feel good?”

Doctor still looked nicely at her. And nodded. Ah! She got it right. 

“And how do we do that?”

Ah! Another question. How? Doctor made Tasha feel better with laughter! Yes! 

“Tickle Amee!!”

And both women laughed!! Out loud. Tasha raised her eyes and tried to turn her mouth up. Seeing Doctor laugh with another woman made her happy. Like there could be more strong woman who Tasha could know. 

“Why would you tickle me?” Amee said to Doctor. 

“Tickling Tasha makes her laugh and she feels good.”

“Makes sense.”

And Amee turned her mouth up at the girl. Something fluttered in her chest and she looked to Doctor for what to do. She liked Amee but wasn’t sure if she was supposed to. What was Doctor doing? Doctor was looking nice, shaking her head and staring at the PADD in her hand. So Tasha kept her scanner out. 

Just in case. 

Then Doctor spoke. With authority. 

“All right, Lieutenant, I am going to heal your muscle but you will need to stay here for a little bit while it does.” Woman lowered the PADD to her legs and looked at Amee. 

Tasha looked at Amee. She wasn’t sure what was happening. Then Amee spoke. 

“That’s great, Doctor. Will Tasha keep me company?”

Tasha heard her name. She looked to Doctor. Because she trusted Doctor to keep her safe. 

Doctor was looking strongly at Amee. Staring into her in a way Tasha had never seen. Doctor for the first time looked dangerous. 

“Tasha may very well stay here with you, if she wants.”

Amee turned her mouth up. “Excellent. Dr Tasha is a bit of a celebrity here. It would be nice to get to know her.” 

Tasha looked back and forth between the two women. She listened to what they said. Both spoke about her. She heard Doctor say “stay” which she recognized. Tasha thought they were speaking about if she would stay with Amee while Doctor did her thing. And Tasha did want to stay longer with Amee. For a number of reasons. 

One, because she was a challenge to Doctor. Tasha wanted to figure her out. Figure out what her weak spot was. 

Two, because Amee was big and strong and Tasha wanted to know how she became this way. 

Three, Tasha just liked her. Amee was warm and her laugh made Tasha feel good. And Tasha was starting to like laughs. 

So the girl raised her hand to get Doctor’s eyes. And she spoke what she wanted. 

“Tasha thtay with Amee pleathe.” 

Tasha felt strong. She felt she could be like Doctor and be with Amee and be safe. She had her scalpel. 

Doctor looked at Girl for a while. Her face seemed to calm then went into thought. Doctor was thinking. Was she thinking about Tasha’s safety? 

Doctor’s face lifted and she spoke. “Ok then. Let me repair Amee’s muscle and I’ll be off.”

Ah! Tasha felt protected. Doctor thought about this so Amee must be safe. But as much as Tasha wanted that to be true, she needed to stay alert. Keep an eye on everything. 

Tasha was not going to be hurt again. Be smashed again. No matter how nice Doctor’s place was, she would never forget how bad that was. How bad that felt. Haw bad that had hurt her. 

She shivered. 

Doctor was moving about. Getting stuff. Getting things Tasha was interested in. Shiny hard things. Things that could be useful. So Tasha followed her. Asked her. What was that? What is this? 

Then Amee spoke to her. Spoke to her in her deep voice. 

“Tasha, tell me when you came here?”

Tasha stopped. She stood straight and looked at the woman. What did she ask? No one asked Girl questions? 

“What?” She asked her own question. 

Amee spread her hands and said, “Came here, Tasha.”

Ah! Came here. To Doctor’s place. Tasha then thought and spoke. Trying to find words. 

“Tatha here wit Doc-Tor,” she said throwing her arms out. She still didn’t know how she got here but suddenly she had been here. Here with Doctor. But what else could she speak? 

“Tatha had cat! Cat kept Tatha thafe. Thee Tatha thleep.”

Amee looked at her, nodded and kept looking. Ah! She was listening to Tasha. Maybe she could speak to someone else as well as Doctor!!

“Tatha hath hurt thees. Thees hurt. No thleep. Tatha be like Doc-Tor. Bloo.” 

Tasha was speaking in Doctor’s speak when she felt a touch to her arm. Ah! Doctor. So she stepped back and watched her. Doctor was amazing. She always did amazing things and showed Tasha amazing things. 

Doctor held some hard silver things around Amee’s leg and they made noises. Soon she spoke. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes to check up on you.”

Tasha was there. She heard. Doctor said something about being back. 

A flash. 

Being left alone. 

Being left in the street. Be back. 

Was she being left? Tasha felt for her things in her hidden spots of the Doctor’s over cloth. Her heart began to beat hard. 

“Doc-Tor be back?”

“Yes, Tasha, I’ll be back to check up on Amee.”

Doctor looked at her nicely but.... she was afraid. 

She looked back and forth between Doctor and Amee to catch them out but they stayed sure. She didn’t want to be left again. 

Then Amee spoke, “Hey, Tasha, it’s ok if you want to go with the doctor. But it’s also ok if you want to stay with me.”

But Tasha was still unsure. She looked to Doctor and held her eyes up. “Tatha thtay with Amee?”

Doctor seem to nod and let Tasha stay here. So it must be ok. It must be safe. 

“Yes, Tasha, of course you can stay with Amee. I will be right back.”

She believed Doctor. So she nodded to let her know she understood. Then turned back to Amee. Who was still on the platform and hadn’t moved. Tasha wondered how fast she was? 

“Amee,” she said so she knew she was speaking to her. “What dith?” And she pointed at the woman’s light colored cloth. The man had been wearing the same cloth. Were they from the same gang? Different than Doctor’s?

“My clothes? This is my karate karategi. I wear this when we fight.”

Hmm, too many words Tasha didn’t know. She thought but couldn’t understand any. 

“Kar-at-ee?”

“Yes. Karate. It is a form of martial arts. A way of fighting.”

Tasha still didn’t understand any words. She was beginning to feel stupid. She stood on her bad foot to distract herself from that thought. But what was karate? She looked back up at Amee and held her arms up, “Kar-at-ee?”

Amee turned her mouth up and nodded. “Ah, OK. Karate. Fight.”

And Amee held her arms up with her hands flat in front of her. She then punched them forward, but kept her hands flat. Tasha jumped back. Ah!! A way to fight. Tasha wanted to know. So she watched while Amee did some more arm movements from where she was seated on the platform. She looked strong. Amee could have beaten the boy gang who smashed the girl all those cycles ago. 

Tasha wanted to know karate. 

“So, Tasha, tell me more about your cat.”

Ah! Cat! Tasha knew that word. But then she thought and didn’t know more Doctor words to talk about it. 

Ah! PADD! She could show Amee it on her PADD. 

Tasha looked around but her PADD wasn’t there. Where had she left it? She couldn’t remember. Where was her PADD?? If she looses it, Doctor may not trust her with another. She had to find it. 

She spun around. And ran out of the little room. She ran fast to Doctor’s room without checking the big room first. 

Doctor was sitting at her table in her seat. 

Tasha ran into her table. Doctor dropped what she was holding and looked at girl. 

“Tasha, what’s wrong?”

Good. Girl had Doctor’s attention. But it wasn’t girl that was wrong. She couldn’t remember where her PADD was. 

“Whereth Tathath PADD?”

“Your PADD?”

“Yeth yeth, Tathath PADD,” she said quickly. She needed it. “Where?” Tasha wanted Doctor to reply. Doctor always knew everything, why was she not saying? Just to make it clear why she needed it, Tasha said much slower while looking under Doctor’s table, “Need thow Amee thumtink.”

Tasha remembered hiding under this table so she pushed Doctor’s legs to climb under and look for her PADD. Doctor moved her seat away and laughed. 

She laughed!! 

Laughed when Tasha couldn’t find her PADD. When she was afraid she had lost it. She looked mean at Doctor. Mean like she hadn’t done for many cycles. 

“Not laffing time. Tatha need PADD.”

Doctor pulled her face back in and stopped laughing. Good Doctor. 

“Yes, you are right, Tasha. No time for laughing. And it’s something, not sometink.”

Something? That was what she said. Tasha stopped to just look mean at Doctor. To get her back on track. 

“Where did you leave it last?”

Finally!!! Doctor thinking about Tasha’s problem. She sat under the table, thinking, thinking. Where? 

“Tatha no no.”

Ah!!! She took it to her puzzle room!! 

“Puthle!” She exclaimed as she crawled out from under the table. She ran from Doctor’s room back to the big room as fast as she could. She was worried Amee would leave before she got back. Girl ran so fast that she had to grab the door to move into her puzzle room, or she would have run past it. 

Tasha was fast. Old Woman had told her so before. “Yer fast, girl. Keep yer eyes up en yer wits about, ya be gud.” Even after her foot was broken. She had to practice but she was fast again. 

Puzzle room. 

It wasn’t on the platform. Not under thick paper box. Think. She spun around, checking the tops of everything. Not up here. Tasha dropped to her knees and looked under everything, muttering, “no OK no ok no ok.”

Ah! She hid it! That was right so she slid under the table like she used to do when her hide was in one of these rooms. 

“AH! Tatha thee PADD,” she told Doctor loudly when she spotted it in its hide. Grabbing it, she pushed herself out, stood and held it up for Doctor to see. See so she knew Tasha didn’t lose it. 

Doctor was standing there watching girl. 

“Doc-tor laff,” Tasha said to let Doctor know it was all Oh-Kay now. She didn’t want Doctor to be too serious. 

“Time to laugh now, Tasha?” Doctor said back but looked like she was about to. 

Tasha had to hurry back, before Amee left and shouted at Doctor, “Yeth yeth. Tatha thee Amee,” and ran out. 

Ran through the big room back to Bay Five. Amee was still on the platform. Tasha stopped and tried to turn her mouth up. She breathed out heavily, happy she found her PADD and got back before Amee left. Amee turned her mouth up at girl and patted the side of the platform, like Doctor did when she wanted girl to get on it. 

So Tasha took a big breath in and went over and climbed up onto the side of the platform, sitting next to Amee. She put her PADD on her legs and began to try to show what she was learning on it. Trying to remember what Doctor had said. 

Tasha looked at Amee. The woman was watching, listening and still. She turned her mouth up at the girl when she caught her eye. Tasha liked that. She felt like she found another safe woman in Doctor’s place. Maybe Amee could be in her gang. 

And she was going to get Amee to teach her karate. To be strong. Doctor was teaching her to be nice and be strong inside. Amee could teach her to be strong outside. And to fight. 

Yes. To fight.


	51. Strict, but Safe

“NO. Move, Girl, outaway!” 

Old Woman shoved Tiny Girl. She dropped her knife. Tiny Girl threw her arms up and shouted, “Leave me!”

Slap. 

Old Woman slapped Tiny Girl. Girl stared open mouthed at Woman. Her eyes started to shine. She turned to run away but Woman grabbed her arm. 

“No. Stay, Girl.”

Tiny Girl tried to wiggle free. “No!”

Slap. 

Tiny Girl started to cry. But she stopped trying to get away. She blubbered, “you mean.”

“Yes, Girl. Fer yer own good. Ya need ta learn.” 

She picked up the blunt knife she had given to Tiny Girl and put it back in her little hand. “Now, agen.”

Tiny Girl stepped back and slashed the knife out at Old Woman like she had been shown but woman was able to swat it aside. 

“Good. Much better, Girl.”

Old Woman was trying to teach Tiny Girl to slash out without thinking if someone grabbed her so she could get away. It was slow going as Girl wasn’t used to just doing whatever she was told. Mommy didn’t teach her anything. But still Tiny Girl had a defiant streak. She had a little temper. But she would cry instead of getting angry. 

Ah. Tiny Girl was only five. She will learn. Be quiet. Be patient. Be quick. 

She had had to slap Tiny Girl a few times now, to get her to pay attention. To learn. So she thought she would stop the lesson for now and give her food. Show her that doing it right would end in reward. 

“Good, Girl. Now. Food.” 

Old Woman took the blunt knife away and went to the storage cupboard and got out some fruit. Ah. It was still fresh. Tiny Girl had followed her and was looking up at her, eyes frowning. 

“Here, Girl. Eat.” She put an orange in her tiny hand. The girl rolled it around and then tried to bite into it. 

“Blah!” 

Old Woman wanted to laugh. Tiny Girl didn’t know how to eat an orange. The skin would be bitter. Old Woman took the blunt knife. Good lesson to show Tiny Girl what other uses knives have. She went to the table. 

“Come here, Girl. Gimme arnge.” 

Tiny Girl frowned and held the orange up. Old Woman took it and put it on the table, holding it. She cut it with the knife and then started to peel the skin off with her fingers. “See? Like this.” Tiny Girl put her elbows out flat on the table and her chin on her hands. She watched intently as Old Woman peeled the whole fruit. And she took the piece held out to her. Girl smelled it and dabbed it on her tongue, then ate it. 

“Hmm hmm, good. Gimme.” 

Old Woman got another orange and put it on the table. She held out the knife, “Here. Cut arnge fer yerself.”

Tiny Girl scowled but took the knife and held the orange down, stabbing it. With each piece she peeled off, Girl glared up at Woman. But when she finished, she gobbled it down, seeds and all. 

“Hmm hmm. More?” 

One more orange wouldn’t hurt so she gave her another and ate the one she had peeled herself. Tiny Girl peeled her’s quicker. Good. She was learning. Next lesson will be harder. Old Woman had to be hard on girl. Otherwise she would be too soft and get caught. And Woman couldn’t close her eyes and see Tiny Girl ruined. She would not allow it. 

So Tiny Girl finished her orange, licking her fingers because an orange was nice to eat. But Tiny Girl still had her blunt knife in her other hand so Old Woman thought she’d take this chance to teach girl. She reached out and swatted her head. Girl ducked at the touch and looked up. 

Good. Quick. But Girl needed to defend. And attack. 

“Dunt look, Girl. Slash!” 

Tiny Girl scowled and slashed her blunt knife at Woman. Swatted aside. 

“Too late, Girl. Need ta be quick.”

Tiny Girl spat at her, “Blah!”

Old Woman slapped her, hard. Do not disrespect Old Woman. Girl stopped and stared. She dropped her knife. The slap hurt. Her eyes were shining. 

“You mean,” she scowled harsh. But she was starting to cry. 

“Be strong, Girl. Do no let ole wummin hurt ya. Be angry.” 

Tiny Girl scrunched her face up and screamed out loud. 

Slap. 

Slap!

“NO. Do no scream in rums. They will find us.”

Tiny Girl went quiet but her eyes were leaking. 

Quieter, “Do no scream in rums, Girl.”

Tiny Girl glared at Old Woman and her face was wet. Her little body started to shake. She was going to cry. 

“No. Girl, do no cry.”

Tiny Girl stood still. She stared at Old Woman. 

“Do no cry.”

Tiny Girl seemed to know what she was saying and she stayed still, so very still. 

Girl could not cry out in their rooms. They would be heard. And boys. Men. Would come. Come and find them. Take them. Ruin them. Tiny Girl needed to know that. 

Slap. 

“Girl, do no cry.”

And Tiny Girl stayed quiet. Her eyes leaked. Her nose leaked. But her mouth was quiet. She turned around and ran to the platform in the other room, climbing on and curling up with her doll, facing away. 

Hmm. No more lessons for now. 

Old Woman let Tiny Girl hide away. She collected up the orange peel and put it in the vessel by the door. She would take it out later. She did not let stuff collect and waste inside her rooms. She didn’t want it to be dirty. The outside was dirty enough. 

Her rooms were not big or fancy. There were only two rooms and a small room with a pee vessel and a liquid vessel. One room was her rest room with her platform and the other was the main room where she stored stuff and ate. The only window was in the main room. She had covered up the one in her room to keep outside eyes outside. 

So far Tiny Girl had been sleeping on Old Woman’s platform with her because it was cold cycle. Well, also because Tiny Girl was still wondering where Mommy was every so often and needed comfort. But Old Woman would have to get her something to sleep on. She needed Tiny Girl to get stronger. And to be more on her own here. Maybe something on the floor in the corner of the sleep room. 

So Old Woman tidied her main room, checked her food and life liquid supplies, having a sip for herself before going in to check on Tiny Girl. 

Tiny Girl was still curled up facing the wall. Old Woman pulled the old cover up over her little body. She had fallen asleep, holding her cloth doll tight to her. While she was asleep, Old Woman allowed herself to feel for the girl. 

She didn’t want to slap Tiny Girl. But she had to. She had to be strict. Be mean to get girl to learn. And Old Woman wouldn’t hit her to hurt her. The slap just had to sting enough for Tiny Girl to pay attention. And she didn’t want to mark her soft pale skin. The unforgiving outside world would do that soon enough. Why did such a pretty tiny girl need to live in such a rancid place? 

Old Woman vowed to do all she could to keep this small person safe while she was alive. 

Tiny Girl began to snore softly bringing woman out of her thoughts. She had sat on the side of the platform and looked down at the girl. She was still curled up. Old Woman gently smoothed her dark hair and left her hand on Tiny Girl’s cheek. It was warm. And soft. The pale skin was slightly pink from the last slap. Old Woman felt a pain in her chest. 

It was a necessary evil, she told herself. To teach girl survival lessons. 

With her hand still on Tiny Girl’s cheek, she saw the vast difference in their skin. Tiny Girl’s was so very pale and soft, young and supple. Old Woman’s was dark, dry, tight and rough. Her skin around her nails cracked and broken. She moved her hand away before she could wake up Tiny Girl. 

Standing, Old Woman took a big shaky breath. She felt something. Something she hadn’t felt for a long time. She felt sad. Sad. 

And affection. 

For Tiny Girl. 

Sad because she had to grow up now in this poor excuse of a colony. Grow up and not know how life could be different. Could be fun. Could be nice. 

Affection because Tiny Girl was worming her way into Old Woman’s heart. Making her feel. Making her think of more than just herself. She both liked and disliked that. Old Woman hoped it would not make her soft and get herself hurt. But that was why she had to be strict with Tiny Girl so neither of them would be soft. That way they could be strong together. For each other. And not get distracted with feelings. 

Tiny Girl snored some more. Sound asleep, she was. 

Old Woman looked out the window in the other room. It was late in the cycle but not rest time yet. Dull light is good to hide when looking for food. She thought about going out to see if she could find anything nearby while girl slept. 

Tiny Girl wasn’t ready to go out yet. She needed more discipline. She needed more lessons so she would listen and do what she was told. 

Soon though. Soon. 

Quietly, Old Woman made sure Tiny Girl was tucked up comfortable so she would stay asleep. She filled a small vessel of life liquid for her to drink should she wake and left it on the small table by the platform. Shutting the door to the rest room, woman got her best knife and a carrier and went through the routine of unlocking the main door. Then once outside was safe, went through the routine of locking it again. 

The stairs and entrance to her rooms were so badly damaged in the last bombing, no one bothered to come here. So far, she had stayed safe. She kissed her two fingers and held them up for continuing luck with that. 

Once outside, she stopped and felt the air. It was cool. Still. Quiet. She went the way to the market. This late, most stalls would be closed or closing and she may find food that had been left or fallen off the carts. 

Most things she found were fruit and vegetables. Meat was hard. It was either spoiled or an old dead animal in an alley. So she passed it unless it looked edible. She knew a building that made bread and she had snuck inside a few times and managed to get that. Bread was a luxury. That was why she gave Tiny Girl a slice with jam on it the first day. To ease her into her new life. 

Old Woman arrived at the market, from the shadowed side, unseen and unheard. Most people had left. Once it got dark, people didn’t stay outside. Well, normal people didn’t, if there were any normal people left here. Anyone wandering around after dark were up to no good and looking for trouble. So Old Woman would need to be quick. 

But she knew how to hide. And move quietly. So through the market area she moved, grabbing anything left behind. She would go through it later, when in a safe place to decide what was good or not. She was surprized. One pass through and she filled her carrier. So she moved quickly away from here and to a place she knew was not used by others. She still checked the area. Once satisfied she was alone and safe, well safe at that moment, she looked through her finds. Most of it was ok. Not as fresh as she would like but it would last a few cycles. And would feed both her and Tiny Girl. 

So she made her way back to her rooms. Tiny Girl could wake up at any time. And she didn’t want her alone for long. Even though she had learned to slash her knife, she was still a defenceless little girl. 

She found the crumbled stairs and worked her way up them. She never moved the broken and fallen material because she wanted it to look like no one came here. Then she went through the routine of unlocking her door. Once inside, she methodically locked it back up. That was important. Never forget a step in locking the door. 

The rooms were darker than when she left. But she instantly heard Tiny Girl. She was in the other room, nattering quietly to her doll. Old Woman stood still to see if she could understand girl. 

“Ole Wummin mean. But nice too.”

That was all she could hear. Either Old Woman’s ears were getting bad or Tiny Girl still spoke too many different words. If that was the case, she would have to learn Old Woman’s words. 

Hmph. 

Old Woman made a grunt to let Tiny Girl know she was here. Then she moved to the storage cupboard to put her finds away. She would sort the food by its freshness so the new would be at the back and old at the front. Make it last. 

Little pitter patter of feet. 

She turned around and Tiny Girl was standing there. Doll tucked under her arm. 

“Ole Wummin back?”

“Yes, Girl. Woman went fer food. Need food. Ya will learn ta find food.”

“Tasha.”

Oh, she was starting that again. Saying her name. She needed to forget that. That would get her in trouble. Get her ruined. 

“No. Yer Girl. Woman doe no wannae know yer name. Ya be likeable then. No name. Ya are Girl frum now on.”

Tiny Girl just tilted her head and stared at Old Woman. Her mouth pouted. 

“No Tasha no more?”

“No. Girl.”

“What yer name?”

“Ya do no need ta know.”

“Ole Wummin mean.”

“Yes. Fer yer own good. Ya hungry?”

Old Woman only asked that to stop Tiny Girl’s questions. And of course Tiny Girl nodded her head a lot. She was hungrier than Old Woman had first though she would be. 

So Old Woman checked the cupboard. Maybe make something with the vegetables. So she picked out some and put them on the table. Ah! A learning lesson for girl about her knife. Teach her to cut vegetables. So she took the blunt knife from it’s place in the cupboard and put it in Tiny Girl’s tiny hand. 

Picking up her sharp knife, “ Watch, Girl.” 

She held the first vegetable down and cut it in half. Then she cut those in half. And again. And again until the pieces were small. 

“See?”

She pushed the other vegetable to girl. 

“You try.”

Tiny Girl stood up on her tip toes to look at the vegetable, trying to reach for it. She was only tall enough to just put her elbows on the table chest high. She would need something to stand on to make sure she doesn’t cut herself. 

“Wait.” And woman pointed at the spot girl was standing. Tiny Girl froze. Good. 

“Good girl.” She gave her simple praise so she knew she did it right. To help her learn. 

Then Old Woman got a full life liquid storage vessel and moved it beside the table. She lifted Tiny Girl up by her under arms to stand on it. That brought her up to a better height to cut the vegetables. Tiny Girl immediately reacted to her new elevation. She sat her doll up on the side, saying, “Stay.” When it didn’t fall over, “Good.” Then she smoothed her tiny hands across the table top, touching the vegetable and the cut one. 

Tiny Girl picked up her blunt knife and rolled a vegetable towards her, holding it in her hand. Looking so intently, she tried to cut it in half like Old Woman did. She grunted and the knife slipped. 

Ah. Maybe give Tiny Girl a sharper knife for this. Blunt one for practice. So Old Woman gently took the blunt knife from her grasp. Tiny Girl said “Oh,” making a circle of her mouth. But she let go. 

Old Woman got a sharper knife and put that in her hand. She looked at Girl seriously, “This be sharp, Girl. Be careful.”

Tiny Girl nodded a lot with big eyes. Gripping the new knife, girl began to cut the vegetable. She managed ok until it got small. Then her coordination wasn’t good enough yet so Old Woman took over and gave her another. 

Well, she didn’t want Tiny Girl to cut herself. Or chop off a finger. 

Once the few vegetables were cut, it had gotten dark. Old Woman pulled the covers across the window in the main room. She opened the window in the roof and pulled her fire vessel under it. She rarely cooked food as the smoke could attract attention. But these vegetables needed cooking to eat. Tiny Girl would probably spit them out at her age. 

Old Woman lit the fire vessel and let it warm. She put another vessel inside and filled it with life liquid. When it was hot, or near enough, she put the vegetables inside. 

Tiny Girl watched and moved close to the fire vessel as it gave off heat. Woman had to push her away twice as she was too close. The third time Girl would have gotten a slap but she didn’t move back. She stayed where she had been pushed. 

Good girl. 

When the food was cooked, Old Woman picked each piece out of the hot life liquid. Then she needed to dispose of the liquid. She always put it in the vessel in the pee room to wash in. That was the only time she had a hot clean. But Tiny Girl was floating around and in the way. She didn’t want to spill it on her. 

So Old Woman picked up Tiny Girl, who quietly yelped, and put her on the platform. 

“Stay,” and she pointed at the platform. She then put the cloth doll in her hand. Tiny Girl was quiet and watched woman with big eyes. 

Old Woman got her hand covers and slowly moved the hot liquid vessel to the small pee room. She tipped it into their liquid vessel. Then put everything back in its place. She tested the life liquid. It was too hot to clean with so she left it to cool. 

Walking back past Tiny Girl, she called her, “Come, Girl. Time ta eat.” 

Tiny Girl scrambled off the high platform and followed her. And she went right to the life liquid vessel and stood on it by the table. 

“Good, Girl.”

Old Woman was mean but she wasn’t nasty. She gave praise when it would help. Tiny Girl looked eagerly at Old Women. Yes. A good girl. 

She got some small vessels but she didn’t have what she remembered from long ago as utensils. They were lost and forgotten here it seemed. So she picked out pieces for both of them, placing them in the small vessels. When she moved Tiny Girl’s to her, she sniffed the vessel and picked up each piece and ate it. 

There was enough left to store for tomorrow. Old Woman liked it when she could make food last. 

Tiny Girl finished and made a sound like, “Ah!”

“Tat is good,” her little voice said. 

Old Woman looked at her. She was being true. She was only five. Tiny Girl didn’t know how to be mean and nasty yet. She spoke how she felt. What she thought. And she liked Old Woman’s food. 

Strangely that made Old Woman feel good. It had been a long time since someone said something was good to her. She almost gave a second helping to Girl but she stopped herself. She couldn’t waste their food. If this will last a few days, she couldn’t risk eating it and not having food later. They had both eaten enough so she put the top on it. 

Tiny Girl stared at the top. She pointed and said, “Tats good. More pease.”

“No more. Ya had nuf.”

Tilting her head and frowning, girl said, “No more? But it in there.” She pointed at the closed vessel. 

“Yes but no more fer ya.”

Tiny Girl tilted her head the other way. She seemed to be thinking. With her doll tucked under her arm, she hopped off the life liquid vessel and ran to the rest room, returning after a moment. She climbed back up and stood tall. Placing the empty vessel that had her life liquid in it loudly on the table. 

“More pease.”

She wants life liquid now. Maybe Tiny Girl was hungry. Well, she was so tiny it would be good if she grew so maybe a little more food wouldn’t hurt. There was quite a bit in the cupboard. Old Woman didn’t want it to go bad. 

Tiny Girl was looking at her with big pleading eyes. 

Old Woman scowled and shook her head. “All right, Girl. Ya can ave a wee more.”

Tiny Girl pushed her little vessel to Old Woman. Then she sat her doll on the side of the table again, saying “Stay.” Then, “Good,” when it didn’t fall over. 

While Old Woman was putting vegetables into the little vessel, she watched Girl. She was learning. Telling her doll what she had been told. This was good. Woman gave Girl a few more pieces to reward her. She slid the vessel back to Girl who began to eat each piece, one at a time, while Old Woman put some more life liquid in her other vessel. When she turned around, Tiny Girl was offering a piece to her doll. 

“You want? No? Girl will eat.” And she popped it in her mouth. “Tank you.”

Deciding she deserved some more too, Old Woman refilled her vessel. She was enjoying having someone to eat with. And Tiny Girl was entertaining. She hadn’t enjoyed anything for so long. 

Bringing Tiny Girl into her rooms was a good idea. 

Saving Tiny Girl was her best idea. 

Old Woman hid her smile.


	52. Safe to Hold

Tasha was buzzing. 

Ever since she met Lieutenant Akinyemi, she just couldn’t stay still. She wanted to put her puzzle together, learn from her padd and talk to the doctor all at once. All the while walking a hole in the carpet. Certainly, she’s going to wear herself out soon. 

A couple of hours ago.....

*"Ok, Lieutenant, you are free to go," Dr Pulaski said as she returned to Bay Five. She looked at the duo there and added, "If you can escape that is."*

*Tasha had her contraband out and was showing Amie each item, telling her what it was and trying to mime what it did. When Tasha didn’t have words for things, she acted it out.*

*"Thank you, Doctor. But at least I know more about your instruments now than I did before," she said with a twinkle in her eye. She held something out for Dr Pulaski over Tasha's head.*

*It was a medical scalpel.*

*"Amee took Thathath thcalpel," the girl said, glancing at the doctor, furrowing her eyebrows, looking thoroughly unhappy with it.*

*Shit.*

*When did she pick that up again?*

*Shit shit.*

*She mouthed thank you to Amie who nodded with understanding.*

*Meanwhile, Tasha was quickly tucking away her scanner, flashlight and spoon (was that a piece from a cortical stimulator?) back in the coat pockets, hiding them. Dr Pulaski was definitely going to have to speak to the child.*

*"You are, as they say, fit as a fiddle, Lieutenant," the doctor said, referring to her tricorder. Tasha pulled out her scanner and was passing it around the Lieutenant's body, pretending like she knew what she was doing. *

*Is she trying to show off, the doctor wondered.*

*"Fit ath fiddle. Free to go," Tasha mimicked, looking intently at the scanner.*

*Dr Pulaski noticed Amie smile when she did. She felt she had a kindred spirit with her affection towards the girl. *

*The Lieutenant slid off the bed, stood, nodded to the doctor and said, "See you soon, Tasha. Thanks for keeping me company whilst stuck in sickbay."*

*Tasha looked up at her, and blinked. She seemed in awe of her stature and size.*

*"Tasha, don’t stare," the doctor prodded the girl with a tap to the shoulder.*

*"Tatha no thtare," she said shaking her head, stuffing her hands into the coat pockets. "Amee be back?"*

*Lieutenant Akinyemi looked to Dr Pulaski for affirmation who nodded with a smile. "Yes, Tasha, I’ll be back." *

And after......

Tasha went back to her puzzle room. No word. She just went. Something was on her mind. Dr Pulaski watched her from the door. The girl was mouthing something. She put a pillow up on the table top and was hitting it. The doctor got her some water and waited, hoping the child would talk to her but she just kept hitting the pillow. 

What did Lt Akinyemi say to her?

When the doctor came to get her to leave, Tasha handed her back her coat, “Tank you, Doc-tor," and walked to wait by the door. Then she walked, head down, focus in, all the way to their quarters. Dr Pulaski was very intrigued as to what was going on. She watched the girl hide something in her bed and go straight to her puzzle, picking up pieces. But Tasha spoke to her PADD instead and read what was displayed. The doctor could hear her spell out something ever so quietly. 

"Tasha, what are you saying?"

Tasha looked up at her like the doctor was all she thought about. And all she forgot at the same time. "Ah."

Then she started babbling. Speaking quickly and sloppily. "Kar-a-tee. Amee teath Tatha kar-a-tee." And the girl moved her skinny arms around in front of her. Tasha was holding her PADD and pieces and looked at them. She spoke something the doctor couldn’t understand and moved her arms in front of her again, uncoordinated and clumsy. 

Dr Pulaski smiled at her. She was trying very hard to tell her something so the doctor listened. 

Tasha looked frustrated and put her PADD and pieces down. She looked intently at her hands and put them out flat in front of her. "Thee Tatha learn," and she slashed her hands around. "Learn to fight. Kar-a-tee." And she slashed her hands about more, looking very serious. 

Karate. Lt Akinyemi must have told Tasha about karate. And now she wanted to know. Tasha wanted to know how to fight. But she didn’t have to here. How could the doctor tell her she was safe now. That she didn’t have to fight. The girl didn’t need a scalpel. She sighed. 

Dr Pulaski replicated some drinks, coffee for her and water for Tasha. When Tasha came to pick up her cup, the doctor gently placed a hand on hers, stopping her. "Tasha, please listen. I need to talk to you about something." She looked into the girl’s blue eyes sincerely. Tasha froze and stared at the doctor. 

"The scalpel you had, it is very dangerous for you. Please do not take things from around sickbay. Ask me if you want something. But the scalpel could hurt you."

Tasha just blinked at the doctor for a while. She then seemed to take the words on board and internalize them. "Thcalpel keep Tatha thafe."

“How?”

The girl pulled her hand away gently and set the cup down. She crouched low, looking at the doctor as if she was going to attack. In a blink of an eye, Tasha took her spoon out from her waistband and made a slashing motion at the doctor’s upper legs causing her to step back quickly. The girl then stabbed the spoon towards Dr Pulaski’s lower abdomen, again making her step away. Tasha spun around and threw the spoon at a statue near the door to the bedroom, hitting it square on. It fell to the floor with a thud. Tasha’s eyes were focussed, hard with a dangerous intent. She was breathing deep and slow. And in that moment she looked like a fifteen year old girl growing up alone on a lawless planet, not the rescued orphan acting like a child. 

Standing up, Tasha breathed in and relaxed her shoulders. She turned towards the doctor, blue eyes gleaming. “Thee? Thatha need thcalpel to thtay thafe.”

Dr Pulaski then realized she was holding her breath. 

She felt weak in her knees. She sat down at the table. She looked at Tasha, standing there, her arms relaxed at her sides, her penetrating gaze focused on the doctor. Suddenly she just didn’t look like a skinny helpless girl. She had a sliver of danger peaking out like a shining sharp blade. Dr Pulaski hadn’t thought about this side of Tasha before, the fighter not just the survivor. Where did she hide this? Is this what was lurking underneath every time she silently stared at the doctor? Analysing if she was in danger? If she needed to fight, to live? Tasha didn’t just look for ways out, for ways to escape, but for ways to win. 

That was no way for a child to grow up. 

What had happened to her? Who had taught her this? Was there anyone in her life that provided any kind of love and support?

Holding her head in her hands, Dr Pulaski shuddered and began to cry. 

“Tatha need thcalpel,” the child said quietly. 

“Tasha.”

Standing so still, she now appeared dangerous. The doctor wasn’t afraid. Not for herself. She didn’t think for a moment Tasha would hurt her. 

But what if something happened that made her feel threatened?

But what if someone made her feel threatened?

But what if?

Someone here?

What would happen?

“Tasha. You don’t need a weapon here. You are safe now. No one here will hurt you like you were hurt back on Turkana Four.”

Worry crept into her young eyes. “How Doc-tor no dat? How no Tatha no be hurt?”

Tasha’s hands started to move in circles. Her steely armor fading back to that of a cautious, frightened child. Her eyes glistening, reflecting the pain from her young life. 

“Tasha, come here,” and the doctor held her arms out. 

Tasha didn’t move at first but studied her. She took in the doctor’s arms, her seated position, her wet eyes. She seemed frozen. 

"Tasha, come here."

Then, very tentatively she stepped towards her, one small step after another until she stood close enough for her knees to touch those of the doctor’s. Tasha lightly touched the doctor’s outstretched hands, her arms and then her face. Dr Pulaski closed her eyes as Tasha wiped her tears from her face as gently as she could, her rough fingertips slightly scratchy. 

The Doctor opened her eyes. Tasha was looking at her intently. Her head fell forward and she heaved out in one breath so much pent up fear and anxiety, she collapsed into the doctor’s arms. Onto her lap. 

Dr Pulaski gently wrapped her arms around the child and held her, rocking her. 

“Oh, Tasha, my sweet girl.”

Kissing the top of her head, "You won’t feel this way forever, Tasha, but it will take time to fade."

The girl wasn’t crying, just limp as if holding onto all of this was physically exhausting for her. She curled her arms and body up, tucking her head down and actually allowed the doctor to hold her for a while. Then she hummed a little and Dr Pulaski began to let go, thinking Tasha was going to scramble away. But she didn’t. She sat up a little straighter and put her head on the doctor's shoulder, with her eyes closed. She stayed still like that so the older woman just rocked her. 

Tasha said something so quietly, Dr Pulaski strained to hear it.

"What is it, Tasha?" She said just as quiet. 

Tasha looked into her eyes, "Tatha no do dith."

"What? Being held?"

"No no word."

"You don’t know the word?"

"Yeth, don’t no word. No thee," and she patted her forehead. 

"You don’t remember being held?"

"Hmmm," she shrugged. "Thith Ok?"

"What? Me holding you? Of course, this is very much Ok, Tasha," the doctor said smiling, stroking her hair. "As long as you want me too."

"Hold."

"Yes, Tasha, hold."

"Hold hurt Tatha be-for. Doc-tor hold no hurt."

"I am not going to hurt you, Tasha."

"Why Doc-tor like Tatha?"

"Why do I like you? Oh, ok, well, you’re smart and curious and I like the way you enjoy learning the simple things in life."

Tasha gave her such a puzzled look, the doctor laughed. Tasha touched her cheeks as if feeling her laughter. Her expression one of confusion. "Tatha no no how to laff." And then slowly, "don’t no how to laff. Doc-tor tickle Tatha to laff."

"Do you want me to tickle you?"

"No. No feel laff." Pause. "Don’t feel laff."

"That’s ok. You'll figure it out."

And the doctor just enjoyed being able to hold Tasha while she let her.


	53. Hold and Be Safe

“Thanner.”

And Tasha held it up, pressed the little button and moved it around. As it wizzed and beeped, she said in her speak, “Checks body.” But she used her other hand to point around Amee. Just in case she didn’t understand girl. 

Amee nodded and lifted her mouth. 

Tasha reached in her secret hide again and pulled out her spoon. She looked at it and thought, if she now knew what it did, Amee would too. So she just put it down, saying, “Thpoon.” She just used it to eat soup. Or tried to. That was not interesting. 

The interesting thing in her hide was the scalpel. She hoped Amee would be impressed she found this as she was a fighter too. So she pulled it out. 

“Thcalpel. Thee?” And she turned it on. It still amazed her. The light. The hum. She hadn’t cut anything with it like Doctor had but she could. She had only pulled it out a few times and turned it on to see it. She hadn’t used it. Yet. 

It was her best find. After her flashlight. Because that allowed her to see in the dark. 

“Tatha cut wit thalpel.”

Amee looked amazed. “Wow, Tasha, that’s great. May I see it!”

So far, Amee had been true, so Tasha thought to hand her this. Let her see. So she turned it off, held out her scalpel carefully and the woman took it gently. Amee looked at it and put it by her side. 

“Thank you, Tasha.”

Then Tasha realized she wasn’t giving it back. 

She looked at the woman hard but Amee looked back at her with no change. With the size of the woman, Tasha wasn’t going to get it back so she thought best to leave it. For now. 

Tasha wanted that scalpel. 

She saw where it had been put but she couldn’t grab it. She was angry with herself for giving it up. But she still had the new item she found. Tasha thought if she showed that, maybe she could get the scalpel back. But she wouldn’t give up her flashlight for anything. 

So Tasha looked at Amee, squeezed her eyes to show she saw her. 

“Tatha thee,” she said, letting Amee know she saw she took her scalpel. 

Amee just lifted her eyes and said, “Why do you need a scalpel, Tasha?”

A question. Why?

And she heard scalpel. Well Tasha wanted the scalpel to protect herself. To protect Doctor. What did Amee think she wanted it for?? Tasha almost shouted at woman. But she kept her voice quiet. 

“Tatha keep Doc-Tor thafe. Keep Tatha thafe. Tatha need thcalpel,” she said and thought she was clear. 

Amee lifted her mouth up and shook her head no. Not what Tasha wanted. 

“No, Tasha. You don’t need the scalpel. I will teach you to defend yourself. I will teach you karate if you want.”

Ah!! Amee spoke lots at once. What did she say? Tasha thought. 

She said Tasha doesn’t need the scalpel. That wasn’t true. But she said she would teach girl karate. Teach girl to fight. And that was what she wanted. 

Yes!! 

“Amee teach Tatha kar-a-tee??”

“Yes, Tasha, I will teach you if you want. But you don’t need the scalpel for it.”

That confused Tasha. She wanted the scalpel so she had a weapon. But Amee seemed to think Tasha didn’t need a weapon. Could she learn different? Old Woman had taught her to fight with a knife. And that was what she used until she lost her’s when she was caught by the boy gang. And then she was here. And so far hadn’t had to fight. 

“What else do you have, Tasha?” Amee asked. 

Tasha was still in awe of Amee despite the trick of taking the her scalpel so she answered. “Thith. Tatha found thith.” And she pulled out what she picked up just earlier walking through the big room. Tasha didn’t know what it was. 

Amee took it from her and looked at it. She handed it back to the girl. “This is a cortical stimulator, Tasha. If attached correctly, it will send an electrical stimulus to a brain.”

Tasha took it back. And listened to what Amee said. But she didn’t understand it. Unlike her scalpel, it didn’t seem like something she could use. She felt a little disappointed in what she found. But she wanted her scalpel back. She had stepped closer when taking the cortical thing back. 

So she risked it and reached over Amee’s body to grab her scalpel quickly. But Amee took her wrist, very gently. And held it. Held it still. Tasha couldn’t move her arm further. Amee was strong. When Tasha stopped trying to reach, Amee let go and girl could pull her hand back. 

No. 

She wasn’t going to be able to get the scalpel back from Amee. She was too good. 

Tasha wanted to be like her. Fast. 

Strong. 

Tasha looked up at Amee. She felt many things. Anger that Amee took her scalpel. But hope too. Hope that she would teach her to fight. What was more important? 

Fight. 

Tasha wanted to learn to fight. 

So she gave up on her scalpel and picked up the cortical thing. She held it up and said, “What?”

The woman turned her mouth up. “It’s a cortical stimulator, Tasha. Hold on.” And she took it from the girl, moved the pieces then pressed something on the side of one of the square things. 

“Here. Touch this.”

Tasha looked at what she held. It was the thing she picked up, yes. But it had a quiet hum now. Like her scalpel. Maybe it would be interesting. 

Amee was holding it out. Tasha reached up slowly and touched the square thing. 

AH!!!

She got a sharp tingle through her finger!!! 

“Ow,” she said. And looked at Amee. 

Amee turned her mouth up. “That was the electrical stimulus, Tasha. It just needed turning on.”

Tasha thought she would keep this. She just needed to know how it worked. Her scalpel would be better but if she could get this back from Amee, at least she would still have a weapon. So she took it from Amee’s hand. She gave it up. Too easy. 

It must not be as good as the scalpel. 

But she turned it around and found the spot Amee had pressed. She pushed it and the hum stopped. So that was how to turn it on. 

“What other interesting things do you have, Tasha?”

Ah! Another question. 

Tasha wasn’t sure she trusted Amee’s questions now. She liked Amee but she took her things from her. Tasha had found that scalpel and it was her’s. But she liked Amee. 

So she thought she would show her her flashlight. Tasha felt Doctor would get that back for her if it was taken as she had given it back to girl when she forgot it sometimes in their rooms. And Doctor looked after Tasha. Gave her things. 

“Thith ith flathlight,” Tasha said as she took it from under her cloth, turning it on and off. It was the best thing she had found so far. And she held it away from Amee’s hands. But just to make sure, she said, “No Amee.”

Amee laughed and said, “No, Tasha, I won’t take your flashlight.”

Tasha was very confused now. She liked Amee. She liked her laugh. She liked that Amee talked with Doctor. But woman took her thing. Her scalpel. Was she good? 

“Amee teach Tatha kar-a-tee. Thow Tatha,” she said as she put her flashlight down with her other things. Tasha held her hands up like Amee had. And moved them back and forth, trying to do what the woman had. 

Amee gently held Tasha’s hands, moving them. Tasha flinched at the touch at first but then relaxed and let Amee hold them. Move them. “This is just the basic hand position. We need to be standing to do it correctly as your balance and feet are important.”

When she let go, Amee held her hands in the same way and moved them, fast. Tasha watched and tried to move hers the same way. Fast. She did it again and again, thinking of what Amee had said. She didn’t understand much of it but she wanted to learn more. She moved her arms again and looked up at the tall woman. “Tatha do Oh-Kay?”

Amee laughed, “Yes, Tasha, you are doing it OK!”

“Ok, Lieutenant, you are free to go.”

Ah! Doctor was back. Tasha quickly picked up her scanner, spoon, cortical thing and flashlight to hide in her doctor over cloth. Amee, though, spoke directly to Doctor. 

“Thank you, Doctor. But at least I know more about your instruments now than I did before.”

And Amee put her hand above the girl’s head. Tasha looked up. It was her scalpel. She was mad. 

“Amee took Tathath thcalpel,” she told Doctor, silently hoping she would get it back for her. But remembering how the woman took it the first time in her room, Tasha didn’t really expect it. 

Doctor looked scared when she took the scalpel. They had a silent speak between them. Tasha was a little angry about this. Doctor should speak with her too. She thought she was second. But then Doctor was speaking strongly, holding her folding box. She was back in charge. 

“You are, as they say, fit as a fiddle, Lieutenant.”

Tasha wanted to still appear as second, be useful so she just jumped up and pulled out her scanner. She knew how it worked, turned it on and held it to Amee. So she spoke too. Strongly. 

“Fit ath fiddle. Free to go.” 

And Amee got off of the platform. Oh. 

Oh. 

She was so big. Tasha stared up. 

“See you soon, Tasha. Thanks for keeping me company while stuck in sickbay.”

Amee was speaking to Tasha but she didn’t hear. She was too busy staring as Amee was as tall as big man. 

Tap. 

Tap tap. 

On her shoulder. 

Huh?

“Tasha, don’t stare,” said Doctor. 

“Tatha no stare.” Tasha shook her head to clear it and checked the over cloth hides. All there. But the scalpel. 

She looked up. Amee. Tall. 

Then she remembered Amee promised to teach her karate. Was that true? 

“Amee be back?”

Doctor and Amee looked at each other and Amee said, “Yes, Tasha, I’ll be back.”

And she walked out. 

Gone. 

For the rest of the cycle, Tasha thought about Amee. About getting to learn karate while Doctor was busy. She practised the hand and arm moves she had been shown, putting the pillow up on top of a table against a wall and hitting it. So by the time they got back to their rooms, she was set to explode with how much she wanted to learn more. 

At first she automatically went to her puzzle and picked up a piece to place. But she still had her PADD in her hand. So she spoke to it, asking what karate was. A group of symbols appeared. 

Tasha whispered them, “Kay aee are aee tee eee.” She memorized it so if she saw it she’d know. 

“Tasha, what are you saying?” 

Ah, Doctor was standing by her table. “Kar-a-tee. Amee teach Tatha kar-a-tee.” Then she tried to do the movements but they weren’t as good as her hands were full. “Amee showed how to move hands. Like this. Fight. Amee teach me to fight,” she explained in her speak. Doctor turned her mouth up nice but Tasha didn’t think she understood. 

And she wanted the woman to understand. To know she was trying to learn to protect her. To protect them. She put her PADD and puzzle pieces down on the table. “Thee Tatha learn. Learn to fight. Kar-a-tee.” She tried to do the hand moves again. To show Doctor. 

Still, Doctor just looked nicely at her and asked the hole in wall for drinks. She made a vessel of water for Tasha. When Tasha reached for it, Doctor put out her hand on her’s. And held it. Gently. 

Doctor was serious. 

“Tasha, please listen. I need to talk to you about something.” 

Doctor was very serious. Tasha stood very still. Waiting. Listening. 

“The scalpel you had, it is very dangerous for you. Please do not take things from around sickbay. Ask me if you want something. But the scalpel could hurt you.”

Tasha knew Doctor was speaking about the scalpel. No one wanted her to have it. It made her want it more. It made it more useful. All Tasha wanted was a way to protect herself. To keep from ever getting hurt again. 

“Thalpel keep Tatha thafe,” she said to Doctor. 

“How?”

How?

How. 

Doctor didn’t know. Didn’t know how Girl had to survive. Had to live. Had to protect herself. She couldn’t blame Doctor. 

Tasha looked at Doctor’s soft hand on hers and pulled hers away carefully, putting the vessel down. She decided to show Doctor what she had to do. How she had to live. How she had to survive. 

Maybe Doctor just thought she was a dirty little girl. 

Tasha squatted down, eyes on Doctor. Watching. Watching her hands. Her feet. Her eyes. 

She breathed in slow....

Without thinking, Girl took her spoon from where it was under her cloth and slashed out at Doctor’s leg. The top part where Old Woman said would stop a bad person. Good Doctor. She stepped back. But Girl did it a little slow. To give her a chance. 

But Doctor was still close, so Girl stabbed up to her stomach, quick and quiet. Doctor fell back without being hurt. Good Doctor. Because Girl doesn’t want to hurt her. 

It was only a spoon. And wouldn’t really stab but it could hurt. So she spun around to where she remembered a small stone woman to be and threw her spoon. Threw it to hurt. To stop a person. The spoon hit the stone woman and it fell to the ground. 

She still could do it. All that time practising drilled it into her. 

And there was no one to slap her if she got it wrong. 

And no one to say “Good, Girl,” when she got it right. 

Tasha stared at the fallen stone woman then stood up. And turned back to the Big Woman who had replaced Old Woman. 

See? Girl can keep you safe. Girl can fight. But Girl can have more to help. 

Tasha realized she was breathing deep and had gotten pulled into fight mode. She breathed out and saw Doctor. Doctor looked scared. 

“Thee? Tatha need thcalpel to thtay thafe.”

Doctor went very light. She breathed quick and held onto the table. She sat down. She breathed. Then she looked up at Tasha. 

And looked at her. 

And looked at the girl. 

Tasha looked back. She saw eyes that were sad. Eyes that were nice. Eyes that were getting wet. Doctor then put her head in her hands. 

“Tatha need thcalpel,” she said as quiet as she could. She could see Doctor was not happy with her. With what she wanted. But she needed Doctor to know she would never let anyone hurt her. Again. Hurt them. Ever. Again. 

“Tasha.”

That was all Tasha could see. She needed to be able to protect herself. Protect herself and Doctor. And she wanted the scalpel and she wanted to learn this karate to do it. 

Could Doctor not see this? What did Doctor think Tasha was going to do?

Doctor’s eyes were leaking water. 

“Tasha. You don’t need a weapon here. You are safe now. No one will hurt you like you were hurt on Turkana Four.”

So much speak. Safe? No hurt? Tasha didn’t believe it. Doctor was strong but she didn’t know how to fight. How could Doctor say this? Promise this? 

“How Doc-tor no dat? How no Tatha no be hurt?”

Tasha could very much remember the hurt. She remembered being caught by the boy gang after Old Woman died. How it hurt. How much it hurt. How it left her broken and lifeless. She remembered the long cycles living in the alleys, trying to find food, to find safety. To live. She remembered being grabbed by the boy gang before Doctor found her. Being smashed. She remembered. 

Tasha remembered. Remembered all of that hurt. 

How can Doctor say she is safe? 

The girl didn’t feel very strong now and she dropped her hands. Her eyes were getting blurry. 

“Tasha, come here.”

Girl, come ere.

Old Woman would order her about. 

Come ere. 

But Doctor was sitting. 

Come ere. 

Normally, Girl would get a slap. Come ere. 

Doctor was holding her hands out, defenceless. Eyes leaking. 

Looking nice. 

Doctor was nice. 

You try, Tasha.

“Tasha, come here.”

And the girl stepped forward. Slowly. Watching. But Doctor didn’t move. Tasha felt her insides turn. Her chest ache. And she felt alone. 

So alone. 

But she was touching Doctor. Girl touched the woman’s hands and arms that were still held out. She touched Doctor’s face that was wet with life liquid. And her eyes closed. 

Why was she leaking? Why was Doctor leaking for Tasha? That made her sad so she wiped her face as carefully as she could. Damn, her fingers were so rough. So broken. They rubbed on Doctor’s smooth face. She tried not to hurt Doctor. 

Woman opened her eyes and saw Tasha. 

Saw her like she hadn’t been for so long. Tasha was seen. She was a girl. She was real. She was hurt. She was broken. And she crumbled. She fell. 

Fell forward and was caught by Doctor. And held. 

Safe. 

Tasha felt safe. 

Her breath left her. And shook. Doctor just put her arms around the girl and she felt safe. 

“Oh, Tasha, my sweet girl.”

Tasha let go. She let go of the need to protect. To stay safe. If only for this moment. She let go. Let herself be protected. And she was held. She was held safe. 

“You won’t feel this way forever, Tasha, but it will take time to fade.” 

Tasha felt kisses to the top of her head and pulled her legs up, so Doctor could hold onto her. Feeling a big space in her chest that she never felt, the girl relaxed and let herself be held by Doctor. 

She forgot about the scalpel. She forgot about karate. And just relaxed. Like she didn’t remember. 

And just was. 

Ah, her head was in Doctor’s face, so she moved to put her head on the woman’s shoulder. Doctor moved a bit and Tasha was afraid she was going to let go, but she didn’t and waited for Girl to get settled. And held her, moving back and forth. 

Tasha never felt this before. Being held. Breathing in the clean scent of Doctor, she said in her speak, “never done this.”

“What is it, Tasha?”

Girl looked into Woman’s eyes, “Tatha no do dith.”

“What? Being held?”

“No no word.”

“You don’t know word?”

“Yeth, don’t no word. No thee,” she corrected herself and Tasha touched her head to show she didn’t have inside see if doing this. 

“You don’t remember being held?”

Doctor understood. “Hmmm,” she hummed and moved her shoulders to say yes. Then she wondered if Doctor wanted to hold her. Wanted Girl this close to her. She worried she was being too bold so she asked, “Thith Ok?”

“What? Me holding you? Of course, this is very much Ok, Tasha,” Doctor said quietly, turning her mouth up and touching her short hair. “As long as you want me too.”

“Hold.”

“Yes, Tasha, hold.”

Doctor was so nice. Tasha closed her eyes and remembered being grabbed by boy gang. Being held down. Being hurt. She thought she would tell Doctor this. 

“Hold hurt Tasha, be-for. Doctor hold no hurt.”

Doctor squeezed her arms gently, “I am not going to hurt you, Tasha.”

With her eyes closed, she thought. She wasn’t anything to Doctor. Doctor just found her and took her in. Like Old Woman but she needed Girl to survive. Doctor didn’t need her to survive. She wasn’t in danger. So Tasha wondered why Doctor wanted her. What did Tasha give her? 

“Why Doc-for like Tatha?”

“Why do I like you? Oh, ok, well, you’re smart and curious and I like the way you enjoy learning the simple things in life.”

Doctor spoke too much and the girl looked at her confused which made the woman laugh. Tasha still didn’t understand how to laugh. It made Doctor’s face change. She touched the woman’s cheeks where they lifted up wondering if she would ever learn how to laugh. How to lift her mouth. 

“Tatha no no how to laff,” she said, almost to herself but she realized she spoke it wrong. “Don’t no how to laff. Doc-tor tickle Tatha to laff.”

“Do you want me to tickle you, Tasha?” 

“No. No feel laff.” She said it wrong again. “Don’t feel laff.”

“That’s Ok. You’ll figure it out.”

Tasha laid her head back on Doctor’s shoulder as she rubbed the girl’s back. She closed her eyes. 

And relaxed.


	54. Held Safe by a Rope

Opening her eyes, Old Woman heard noises. Scuffling sounds coming from the other room. She looked to the corner but there was no one there. Tiny Girl was up. She had managed to find some thick paper boxes and flattened them for Tiny Girl to sleep on. To get the girl used to being on her own. And it was empty. 

Slowly, Old Woman got up off of her platform. She walked out to the main room, all of her old body aching. 

Tiny Girl was practicing. She was pulling herself up onto the table, climbing across and hopping off the other side before crawling under to do it again. Building her strength up. 

Old Woman watched her do it a few times. 

“Good, Girl.”

Old Woman gave praise when due. Tiny Girl stopped and looked at her. 

“I hungry.” 

Ah. Tiny Girl wanted to eat. She was hungry a lot. But she was little. And she was growing. Soon, Old Woman would taper off her food. Get her used to eating less. But not yet. She was at an age where she needed to grow. So she could get bigger. Get stronger. Be useful. 

“OK, Girl. Wummin get ya food.” She acknowledged Tiny Girl. She wanted her to know she was a part of this gang. 

Tiny Girl nodded and got her doll from the floor, climbed up onto her liquid life vessel and leant on the table. She sat her doll up, “Stay,” and when it did, “Good.”

Tiny Girl was definitely learning. 

So Old Woman went to the cupboard, which she kept shut so Tiny Girl couldn’t eat the food whenever she wanted and searched for early cycle food. She found some old bread and a bit of jam. That will do. 

That will do well as this cycle was the first cycle Old Woman was going to take Tiny Girl out with her to search for things. So she wanted the girl  
to have energy and strength. And not be hungry, so she would concentrate. 

Old Woman cut the bread. There was more than she remembered but she cut it all. It wouldn’t last much longer. Tiny Girl was well behaved. She didn’t just grab at it. She waited. Watching. Old Woman opened her jar she made jam in, and put it on the pieces. She would need to make more. When she was done, she laid half of it in front of Tiny Girl. 

“Eat. Fer Girl.”

Tiny Girl nodded her little head and picked up a piece. She nibbled it. Slowly. And nattered to her doll. Offering her a piece. 

Old Woman chewed a bad piece. Ok. She was going to have to stop this now. It was sweet at first. Tiny Girl eating slowly and giving it to her doll but it was a waste of time. Especially if they were out and had to hurry. Girl needed to be able to eat quick. Finish the food or take it. Not waste time. 

This would be the last time doll would get the option to eat. Old woman didn’t want to take doll away from the girl. She needed it to sleep. To be still. But safety and food were more important. So the next few lessons would be significant in her learning. 

And doll was not going out with them. She was staying in the rooms. 

When early cycle eat was finished, Tiny Girl waited for her instruction. She stood quietly by the door between the rooms. She had her head up, looking around, paying attention, with her doll under her arm. 

She was cute. Too cute. 

Old Woman didn’t want her to be cute. That would attract bad attention. Tiny Girl would be taken for the more powerful gangs. To be sold. To be used. No. No. 

No. 

So Old Woman needed Tiny Girl to not be cute. 

“Girl, come here.”

She moved to the table. Girl walked over and held her doll to her chest. She lifted her little head and her big eyes gazed up at Old Woman. She soften. “Give Wommin doll.”

Tiny Girl tilted her head but held up her doll. She trusted Old Woman. 

“Thank you.”

She took the doll, making sure to acknowledge Tiny Girl and put the doll on the table. She pointed at the life liquid vessel. “Sit.”

Girl sat. 

Old Woman took her knife and cut her hair shorter. Made it uneven and even messier. But still, Tiny Girl was too cute. How was she going to hide her when they were out? Old Woman was now ugly and unattractive to gangs. They wanted young girls. 

And she wasn’t going to let them have Tiny Girl as long as she breathed life. So she needed to be made ugly. 

Looking around, she saw the food waste vessel by the main door. Dirt. Waste. Yes. Rub that on Tiny Girl. Make her look like a dirty little person. So she grabbed the waste and rubbed it in her hands before smearing it on Girl’s face. Tiny Girl turned her face from side to side but didn’t make any noise. When she finished, Girl was dirty. Her face. Her arms. Her hands. Her feet. Everywhere her cloth didn’t cover. She looked very unhappy but she just sat there with a mean little face. 

“Good, Girl.”

Old Woman gave praise to let Tiny Girl know she did well. To have stayed still. She still looked unhappy. 

“Ok, lil Girl. We go git food en things. Ya come wit wummin.”

Brightening up, Tiny Girl nodded lots. 

“Ya lissen ta me now ya hear. Do wat I say. Move where I say. Ya undastand, Girl?”

Tiny Girl nodded lots. 

Old Woman planned for this cycle. She made a belt and leash for the girl. Out of rope. To keep her near. To keep her from running off. 

“Come ere, Girl.”

Tiny Girl walked to Old Woman and looked up  
at her. 

“Lift ya arms.”

Tiny Girl put her hands up in the air. Old Woman wrapped the rope around her belly and tied it, before wrapping it up and over her shoulder, looping it through the front. Tiny Girl shrugged around but left it in place. She looked up funny at Old Woman and held her arms out to the sides. She wants to know why this has been put on her. 

“Wummin needs ta know Girl will stay with her.” 

Tiny Girl scrunched her eyes up but stayed still. 

Ok. Was she listening or just trying not to get a slap? Old Woman was skeptical. 

“Girl. Now lissen. Wummin gun take ya out. Ya need ta lissen to Wummin. Ya need ta do what I say. Do ya undastand?”

Tiny Girl watched every word. Then she nodded. A lot. 

Ok. Old Woman thought Tiny Girl understood most but nodded just so she wouldn’t be slapped. So first outing was going to be a dry run. Not to really look for food but to get Tiny Girl ready. No problem. Old Woman could adapt. Tiny Girl was still learning. Still in training so this was OK. 

So she would check. Doll was not coming with them. So that was the first test. Old Woman pointed at the doll on the table, “Doll no come wit us.”

Tiny Girl did a few looks between her doll and Old Woman but then sighed out a big breath, dropping her shoulders. She picked up her doll and walked back to the rest room. She said something to her doll quietly and placed it on her paper platform, kissing its head. She covered it up with her rest cover cloth and patted it. 

Old Woman almost smiled at the gentle affection Tiny Girl showed her doll. She was still a nice and caring person. Someone had shown it to girl at some point. This violent world hadn’t changed her yet. And Old Woman felt guilty for having to treat her harshly. Having to try to change Tiny Girl to be self centered and single minded if she was to have a chance to survive. 

Then Tiny Girl came back to Old Woman, looking up at her for orders. Blinking. 

Lost in her thought, she faltered. This made Old Woman think. Fast. Because she didn’t want to look hesitant in front of Tiny Girl. So she put all that deep thought away in her head to feel for a quiet time later and said, “Good, Girl. Ya are ready.” Old Woman picked up the rope lead and tugged it towards the main door. Tiny Girl followed. At the door, Old Woman turned to the girl to give her final instructions before they left the safety of their rooms. 

Big eyes looked up at her. Such beautiful blue eyes. Even with the dirt. They held so much hope and trust. 

Old Woman felt a pain in her chest. She did not want to betray this trust she was being given by this young girl. She so much did not want to loose her to the gangs that were about. So Old Woman had to be strong. She had to be strict. 

Harsh. 

“Girl, ya do no run. Ya do no leave Wummin. If rope pulls, ya come. Ok?” 

“Yes.” Tiny Girl actually replied so Old Women felt she heard. Well, she would never know if she doesn’t try. So she began the routine of unlocking the door. And Tiny Girl watched every move. 

When the door was open, Old Woman took a big breath in. She was scared. She didn’t want to loose Tiny Girl. Stepping out, she tugged the rope and Tiny Girl followed her. She handed the girl the cloth carry to gather food and kept for herself the life liquid vessel. Once Tiny Girl settled still, Old Woman went through the routine of locking their door. She wanted it to be safe when they returned. 

Old Woman tugged on the lead for Tiny Girl to follow and moved down the broken stairs. Tiny Girl was actually good at climbing through the rubble. This made Old Woman believe she would be good at “finding” food. 

Holding onto the lead, Old Woman made her way through the collapsed stairway that lead to their rooms. Tiny Girl held up when she was tugged with the rope. But she was eager to go. To explore. 

But that was Old Woman’s fear. She would get too far ahead and disappear. So she had made the rope lead. She would tug Tiny Girl and she would stop trying to climb away. Just where did this girl think she was going? 

At the bottom, Old Woman pulled her back to her side. Start the training quickly, near to their rooms. Tiny Girl stopped and stumbled back, looking up at her. Her hands at her sides and the cloth carry over her shoulder. And she didn’t speak. That was good. Girl was learning to listen without having to talk. 

“Good, Girl,” she said very quietly. 

Ok. Where was she going to go? She had thought the market as the traders were fairly friendly. They were even friendly to Old Woman, and sometimes gave her things, so she felt bad when she was glad to find out when they were attacked and their food stuff was strewn about to be taken. But they wouldn’t look at Tiny Girl so they would go there. See what was about. Put Tiny Girl into a busy surround to see how well she behaved. 

“Come, Girl,” she said and tugged the rope. Tiny Girl skipped into step with her, her little head looking everywhere as if seeing for the first time. Old Woman wondered if now she was off her medicine, Tiny Girl was finally seeing things for real and not through medicine addled eyes. 

But for all her gazing, Tiny Girl kept up. Old Woman wove their path through alleys and side streets that weren’t busy. The underground cavern of sewers and tunnels were a whole other thing. That would be an advanced lesson for Girl. 

As they approached the market, Old Woman told Girl, “Girl, this is market. Food sold here. Gud place ta find food. Watch Wommin. Stay close.” 

She looked directly at Tiny Girl so she would understand. Girl nodded, her little hands shaking, gripping the strap to the carry cloth. 

Old Woman wrapped the rope around her arm to shorten the length and began to walk through the market as it was setting up. It was still early in the cycle so they were not ready. A good time to pick things up as she passed by. With her head down, Old Woman picked up a few pieces of fruit. She passed them carefully to Tiny Girl, who at first looked up with big eyes but then quickly tucked them into her cloth carry. 

“Good, Girl,” Old Woman said quietly. 

When she looked back at Girl, she saw her little head pointed down, searching around the stalls and then she picked up a vegetable that had rolled away, and tucked it into her cloth carry. 

Yes, a very good girl, Old Woman thought. 

They reached the other side of the market, so Old Woman lead Tiny Girl to a side alley, checked it was safe and picked her up to sit on a bin. Tiny Girl kicked her legs out and put her cloth carry on her lap, talking. 

“Look look, Wummin. Girl see stuff,” she said, and was so very excited. 

Old Woman looked inside and did see food stuff she hadn’t picked up. So Tiny Girl came through on her first test. Warmth spread through her chest. She was proud of Tiny Girl. 

“Good, Girl,” she said. She still had to keep the praise simple. She needed to keep Tiny Girl focused and safe. “Ya carry that. We find life liquid naw.”

“Yes yes. I is thirsty,” Tiny Girl said, boldly. 

“We will find it. Ya will git a drink,” she replied. She then thought she should have brought some with her to keep Tiny Girl from getting thirsty. Old Woman was getting forgetful. Maybe after being alone for so long, she was just not used to thinking of having another person with her. 

Tiny Girl was looking in her cloth carry, pointing at the food stuff, counting. Before she could feel anything, Old Woman said low and harsh, “Girl, shut it and us go.”

Girl’s little mouth opened and her eyes went wide, but she slid forward off of the bin, standing and tucking her cloth carry under her arm. She was ready. Old Woman was again proud. She made a good choice in bringing Tiny Girl back to her rooms. So she tugged the rope and made off towards the green area where she had found so much life liquid that was unspoiled. She thought she should keep getting as much of it as she could before it was either taken by one of the mega-lords or bombed. So everyday, Old Woman had gone back to fill up the vessels as they emptied. It had been a long time since she had so much life liquid. And that was why she was so tired and her body was sore. 

But the extra life liquid helped Tiny Girl get through her need of medicine so it wasn’t a wasted effort on Old Woman’s behalf. 

Tiny Girl was proving to be beneficial in both practicality and as company to Old Woman. And she was falling in love with her. And Old Woman had never loved anyone before. 

So Old Woman took a meandering route to the green area. A route she knew and could watch out in. Luckily, it seemed the gangs were not about yet. Only the rare working citizens were seen trying to get quickly where they needed to be. It still amazed woman that there were still jobs and honest folk about. But that was a life she could not get to. 

Moving across a deserted, ruined street, she pulled the rope shorter, to bring Tiny Girl to her. With a quick look, Old Woman saw the girl jump and skip closer, then look up at the broken buildings. She had her arms tightly wrapped around her food finds in the cloth carry. 

“Good, Girl,” she said very quietly. 

Once across, it was a short alley and they walked out into a green area. There were actual trees and grass and some flowers here. Not many places like this survived the battle. The bombings. 

Taut. 

The rope went taut and pulled Old Woman up. Her heart stopped. She grabbed her knife and snapped her head back to see what happened to Tiny Girl. 

The girl was staring, open mouthed at the green area. 

Tiny Girl has never seen a green area before, she thought. She tugged slightly to get the girl’s attention. When Tiny Girl looked to her, she said, “Girl, come. Look.”

Her head bobbed when she skipped up to Old Woman. She put her gnarled hand on the little shoulder and gently pushed her forward onto the grass. Tiny Girl gasped when her bare feet touched the softness of the it. She looked up in wonder at Old Woman. 

“What?”

“This is grass, Girl,” she said softly. She reached down and pulled some out, rubbed in between her fingers and held it out to the girl. “‘ere, smell.”

Tiny Girl let go of the carry strap and reached out to take it. She looked at it then put it to her nose, breathing in. “Ah! Nice! Grass.”

“Shhh, keep quiet, Girl.” She was too loud. Old Woman looked around to see if they were alone. She could see some people rushing through but no groups. No gangs. 

Yet. 

Back to Tiny Girl, she was breathing in the scent of the grass still. Old Woman stepped away and found a flower. A pretty yellow one. The color of the sky orb. Gently she tugged the rope lead and Tiny Girl looked up and came over. 

“‘ere, smell this.”

Tiny Girl’s eyes were big when she saw the flower, and she took it in both hands, spinning it around. She smelled it, “Hmmm. What?”

“Flower.”

“Flower. Hmmm. Nice. I keep?”

“Yes, ya can keep, Girl.”

Tiny Girl looked happy, even with the dried dirt on her face. Her eyes were bright and shining. Clutching the flower to her chest, she spun around to see the green area, wrapping herself up in the rope. Old Woman wanted to laugh out loud and enjoy this moment. To be happy with the girl. To breathe in the fresh scents and feel the softness, the beauty of this place. 

But she knew better. You cannot get lost in yourself. Never stop looking and seeing. And it pained her to know she was going to have to teach this out of Tiny Girl. Take this joy from her so she could survive. 

So she will survive. 

And there was no way to know if this green area would be here next cycle as it could be destroyed in the next war. The next battle for control. It could all be gone. 

Old Woman needed to collect as much of the life liquid now as she could. She gave Tiny Girl a few more moments to look. To feel. And to smell the niceness of this place. Then she tugged the rope sharply. 

“Come, Girl. Git life liquid.”

And she pulled the lead to head to the place. Tiny Girl silently followed but her head was still looking up at the trees. Old Woman stood on the rope as she filled her vessel. She thought she would put girl in the rooms safe and come back for another. There were two more empty vessels. Fill them while she could. 

When she was finished, she tugged the rope, “‘ere, Girl. Drink,” and she scooped up liquid in her hand to drink from. Tiny Girl’s eyes shot up and she dashed to the liquid, practically putting her head into it to drink. It brought pain again to Old Woman to see this joy. 

If she could, she would give her life to take Tiny Girl from this world. Take her somewhere she could be her beautiful little self. Take her doll and be a child. But for now, she kept look out while the girl slurped the life liquid up. 

And stood on the rope to keep her safe.


	55. Safe Hold

They were sitting on the couch together. Tasha slouched down with her feet on the table, hands on her stomach, while Dr Pulaski read out loud from her book. She would glance at the girl occasionally, who had her eyes closed, seemingly listening but the doctor thought otherwise. 

After Tasha had let her hold her for a while, they ate dinner and dressed for bed. But Tasha was restless, walking around and looking out the window. So Dr Pulaski thought she would read to the girl, maybe get her to relax. 

Well, it got her to sit still.

But she watched Tasha out of the corner of her eyes. Her fingers tapping. Her feet crossing and uncrossing. 

Doctor stopped after about an hour. 

Tasha opened her eyes and looked up at her. 

“What are you thinking, Tasha?”

She squinted and stared ahead. Then back up. “Ah, Doc-Tor. Think?”

“Yes, Tasha, think in your head.” And she tapped the top of Tasha’s head. 

Tasha looked up as if she could see the tap. “Ah, think. Thee inthide?” And she tapped her forehead. 

“Yes. Think.” Doctor smiled at her. She adored it when Tasha figured something out and understood. 

The girl scrunched her face up in thought. “Tatha think about Doctor and Amee. Tatha want Amee teach kar-a-tee.”

“You want to learn karate?”

“Yeth. Tatha fight. Thtay thafe. Learn.”

“Hmm,” she replied noncommittally. Dr Pulaski wasn’t sure how she felt about Tasha learning to fight. Yes she wanted to but did she need too? Certainly starting her on an education was more important. Though being around someone else could be beneficial as well. The doctor would have to think about it. “We’ll talk about that tomorrow.”

“Oh-Kay,” Tasha replied, looking up at her sideways. “Tatha altho tink about Doc-tor. En Doc-tor hold.”

“Think, Tasha, not tink.”

“Oh, yeth, think.”

She turned towards the slouching child and caressed her cheek, “I’ll always be here to hold you, Tasha. Whenever you want.”

Tasha looked up at her with a smile in her eyes and seemed to lean her head into the doctor’s touch. 

Dr Pulaski smiled and her face warmed up. The change in Tasha to allow her to hold her, to caress her like this without the girl flinching away or freezing up was extraordinary. And Dr Pulaski felt honoured with this trust. She only wanted Tasha to feel safe and to explore her new life. 

She gazed into the clear blue eyes of this orphaned teenager for a few more moments, feeling the weight of her whole life on her shoulders. Dr Pulaski had taken her from the only home she knew and was now solely responsible for this young life. And she could feel herself starting to get sentimental so she closed the book and sat up. 

“Shall we go to sleep, Tasha?”

Tasha extended her legs out, ending up stretched flat between the couch and the table. “Oh-Kay.”

And then she got up. She waited for Dr Pulaski to stand before she walked to her bed, pulling her cover back and climbing up. 

“Night, Doctor.”

Picking up the empty cups, she smiled at Tasha and placed them in the replicator. She walked over to the girl’s bed and tucked her cover up over her shoulders and smoothed her soft hair. 

“Good night, Tasha.”

In her room, she said quietly, “computer, turn off lights.”

Sleep took her over in the darkness. 

Movement. 

Quiet breathing. A hiccough. 

Slowly, Dr Pulaski opened her eyes and sensed someone in her bed with her. It could only be one person. 

“Tasha?”

Her eyes grew accustomed to the light and she saw Tasha next to her, on her back and she pulled the cover up to her chin. 

“Tasha?”

The girl had her eyes squeezed shut. Tears streaming down her face. Her mouth was trembling. She turned her head away. 

“Go away,” she said, no more than a whisper. The doctor felt like Tasha was speaking to someone only she could see. Not to her. 

“My sweet girl, what’s wrong?”

Tasha turned her head to the woman, her eyes filled with unshed tears. “Doc-Tor?”

She tried to smile at her, but she was too worried. Too scared of what her child was feeling. Was seeing. She needed to do the right thing now. So Tasha knew it was safe that she had just come to the doctor’s bed. She had never done this before. 

“Yes, Tasha. I’m here. Tell me what’s wrong?”

She was shaking and whining so Dr Pulaski gently smoothed her hair. “Tasha, you are OK.”

“Doc-tor?”

“Yes, Tasha. I am here.”

The girl looked again at her, her eyes searching. Dr Pulaski smiled as lovingly as she could and wiped away her tears. Then the girl shook, a cold shudder and turned on her side, pushing her face onto Dr Pulaski’s shoulder. 

An earthquake of sorrow broke apart in her chest. She swallowed down her own sob and wrapped her arms around Tasha, pulling her onto her as she laid back down. The fear from the girl was palpable. Whatever Tasha was remembering was having a debilitating effect on her. 

“My sweet girl.”

And she held her. Rocked her. Kissed her head. She didn’t know how to help Tasha except to give her what she seemed to ask for. 

Tasha came to her to be held. So she held her. Held her as her body slowly soothed its shaking. As her breath slowly evened out. As her skinny body relaxed and softened. Then...

“Night, Doctor.”

And Tasha was asleep. 

“Good night, Tasha.”


	56. Not Held Safe

A lot had happened this cycle. 

Tasha laid in her bed with her hands under her head, thinking. Doctor had gone to her bed and was resting. But the girl couldn’t sleep herself. She was thinking. Going through what had happened. What she had learned. 

She now knew she could learn to fight here. She wanted to do that. Amee was big and strong. So she would be a good teacher. Old Woman had taught girl to fight using a knife. And it had helped her then. She managed to get away from a lot of men using what Old Woman taught her. She even had ended a few. But that was with a knife. She didn’t have a knife anymore. Now Amee showed her she could fight without a weapon. 

Tasha could be the weapon. 

How could she make sure Doctor would let her see Amee again? She would have to ask again. She needed to learn these words. This excited her. 

But a lot happened with Doctor too. Tasha knew and believed Doctor was amazing. But this cycle was the best. She was told she was really a part of Doctor’s gang. She didn’t have to worry anymore as she got to wear Doctor’s gang coat. Well she had to keep up in her part as second to stay but at least she was in. And she knew Doctor liked her. She got to stay with her in her rooms. No one else did. 

Yes, Doctor was amazing. 

And Tasha learned what it felt like to be held. Without being hurt. How nice it was. How warm. She could touch Doctor and let Doctor touch her and not be scared. Not be frightened of what would happen. Of being hurt. She knew Doctor would not hurt her. Not even a slap. And she liked Doctor. 

Yes. Doctor was amazing. 

Tasha felt very lucky. She was here and all those other people were still where she had been. But she didn’t care about that. Or them. She was glad it was her. Tasha felt she had been hurt enough to be taken away. To be saved. 

But that hurt was still with her. 

Why? 

Why did it come back to her? In flashes. In inside sees when she was awake. In dreams, when she was asleep. She kept seeing the boy gangs. Seeing the man that gave her food. Seeing the man who tried to take her food. But no Old Woman. 

Old Woman was ok. She took care of Tasha. Took her in and looked after her when she was just a tiny girl. Taught her how to stay alive. How to survive. Why didn’t she dream of her now? Tasha would prefer that to the boy gangs. 

Why can’t she sleep? She felt tired. But her eyes wouldn’t stay closed. Her body would not stay still. 

So she sat up. Tasha got off of her platform and walked around. She wanted to know more karate. So she could practice in times like now. Like she used to when Old Woman was asleep. But she only knew some hand moves so she did those. She tried to keep her feet still and focus on her arms and hands. Moving just those. Tasha did it slowly and watched her movements. Tried to see Amee in her head doing the moves and recreate them. And Tasha was lost for a while in doing her karate. 

Then she was thirsty. Ah, need life liquid. 

Water. 

Tasha turned around and went to the hole in wall and asked it to make her water. She drank it and then had another. And she still didn’t feel like she could sleep. 

She walked to the big soft seat. And sat. The paper pack Doctor was reading from was there. But she picked up Doctor’s PADD instead. She figured if Doctor didn’t want her to see it, she would put it away. But here it was. And she turned it on and looked at it. There were pictures of feet and hands. She looked closer at these. Swiping through them. 

Ah! They were Tasha’s hand and foot. Her bad ones. They had been broken by the boy gang when she had been caught so long ago, after Old Woman had died. Doctor must be looking to try to fix her bad parts. Tasha liked that. She wanted her hand and foot fixed. That would make her stronger. 

Doctor had fixed most of the things that were hurt. The inside pain was gone. But her foot and hand were still bad. Her mouth was still bad. Sometimes Tasha saw Doctor’s mouth and was angry about her’s. And she didn’t want others to see she was missing her teeth. The girl was embarrassed and felt less. She had lost them stupidly. They were punched out by the boy gang. 

Stupid girl. 

And sometimes it hurt when she peed. In between her legs. In her girl parts. Those were ruined by that same boy gang. So really, all her bad parts were ruined by the boy gang. She had been in such pain for so long after they attacked her. Tasha wished Amee could do her karate on them. 

Why was she thinking this?

Tasha realized she was leaking liquid from her eyes and sitting with her head in her hands. Now those sees were running through her head. 

Boys on top of her. 

Her hands and feet being held. 

Boys ramming themselves into her. 

The pain. Her screaming. The pain. 

It hurt so much. 

Tasha stood and walked around. She shook her head. Her arms. She made herself another vessel of water and drank it. 

These inside sees were still there. 

Wut? Nothink else? You got nuttink else, gel?

All ‘ave enouf?

Nah, I’ve got some more in me. 

And they smashed her. 

She rubbed her eyes hard. Why was she seeing this? She had such a good cycle. She found Amee and Doctor held her. Did she not deserve that?

She walked around and around. And these sights stayed in her head. 

Er gel. Ya din’t git away. We got ya.

Tasha hit the window into nothingness. She hit it again. And again. And put her head against it. It didn’t help. The sights were still there. She could feel it. Remember it. 

Doctor. 

She wanted Doctor. So she went to the door to her room and looked in. Doctor was sleeping on her side. 

Should she wake her? Or could she just go in? 

Tasha rubbed her hands together, bending her bad hand to feel real pain. Not this inside head pain. She wanted to be safe. She wanted to be held. So she walked quietly into Doctor’s room. She had never done this. She went to the side she had woken up on before. Doctor was still sleeping. So Tasha gently pulled the cover back and climbed in. She laid down next to Doctor on her back and stilled herself. 

Thoughts running through her head, she squeezed her eyes shut and her eyes leaked. 

“Tasha?”

She pulled the cover up to her face and kept her eyes squeezed shut. 

“Tasha?”

Tasha. That was her. 

Ere, gel. What ya got fer us?

She turned her head away. “Go away,” she whispered. 

“My sweet girl, what’s wrong?”

Doctor? 

Girl turned her head back and saw the bloo eyes. The nice eyes. “Doc-tor?”

“Yes, Tasha. I’m here. Tell me what’s wrong?”

A hand. 

Pushing into her. 

A hand gently smoothing her short soft head. Her hair. 

“Tasha, you are OK.”

“Doc-tor?”

“Yes, Tasha. I am here.”

She looked but her eyes were fuzzy. She saw Doctor. Doctor was touching her face. Wiping her eyes. There was warmth coming from Doctor. 

Suddenly, Tasha felt very cold and she shook. So she turned on her side and put her face into Doctor’s shoulder. Doctor fell back and put her arms around her and held her close. Held her safe. 

"My sweet girl."

Boys couldn’t get her now. She was with Doctor. And Doctor would protect her. 

Slowly. Slowly Tasha began to forget her inside sees. She smelled Doctor. Felt the strength from Doctor’s warm hold. She felt darkness surround her. Grab her. And drag her down. Down into sleep. 

“Night, Doc-tor.”


	57. Finding Safety

Tiny Girl was proving good at finding things. Old Woman had now taken her out three times with the use of the rope lead. Each time, girl had found things Old Woman hadn’t seen. The best item was a very sharp knife that had the blade hidden in the handle. It was a very good find. Old Woman was just very thankful Tiny Girl didn’t release the blade and hurt herself. She had just picked it up and put it in her cloth carry. 

She had a good eye, Girl did. 

And she could crawl into places Old Woman couldn’t. When she could be trusted to return, Tiny Girl would be sent through windows and holes in walls to search. She was proving herself. 

In between her outings with Tiny Girl, Old Woman continued to return to the green area and had gathered more life liquid. All of the vessels were full. That had never happened. Old Woman was now looking for more storage vessels to gather even more. Until she had found this supply, she had been short of life liquid without finding a source. So she was trying to lessen how much Tiny Girl needed each day to make this last for as long as she could as she knew it would come to an end. You cannot take anything for granted on this god forsaken world. 

By now, Girl had lived with her for almost fourteen cycles and was over her medicine need. She was very energetic, lively and sometimes, troublesome. She could be a little too loud. And needed correction. And Old Woman didn’t want to slap Tiny Girl but she didn’t know any other way. 

But Tiny Girl responded. She learned. And then another lesson came up. Teaching Tiny Girl was very different from her woman gang. They were just gang. Tiny Girl was becoming family. And Old Woman wanted Tiny Girl to stay with her. And survive.

And Old Woman hadn’t had family since before the colony fell. When her parents were killed in the first wave of fighting. She had lost their rooms. She had been displaced and had to fend for herself. Thankfully she was a strong young woman and could do that. That was when she created her own woman gang. Found them a building to own. To live in and call theirs. For a time that gang felt like her family. 

Never had she imagined they would kick her out when she got old. Family do not kick each other out. 

“Yer too old, Yar. Get out. We want ones that can do.”

What did they know? Old Woman was still capable of a lot of things. She killed five men to get her parents rooms back. And got rid of the bodies. She survived on her own for ten long cycles before even finding Tiny Girl to help her. But she didn’t need Tiny Girl. 

Tiny Girl needed her. 

Needed her to save her otherwise Girl would have been taken by bad people and hurt. She would have been ruined. 

So Old Woman had a new motivation for life. To protect Tiny Girl and teach her to survive. 

After these long cycles, Old Woman realized she needed Tiny Girl too. She brought her a bit of joy, watching her play and natter crap. See the girl enjoy grass and finding things. Tiny Girl was so unspoiled, it broke her heart. 

It broke her heart because Old Woman was going to have to be the one to show Tiny Girl she could not be that way and survive in this world. Tiny Girl could not go on like she was. She was going to have to change and only Old Woman was there to teach her. And that hurt woman. That she had to be that mean. 

And here, right now, Tiny Girl was looking up at her with her big blue eyes, asking for food. They had eaten first cycle food. Then practiced with the knife and now girl was hungry again. If their food was to last, she couldn’t eat all the time. Old Woman knew if you were too lessen the want for food, it had to be done slow. So she was going to offer less and less food to Tiny Girl. 

The trouble was Tiny Girl was not stupid. She noticed and asked for more. So Old Woman had to be more creative. 

“I hungry.”

“Girl ate.”

“Want more.”

“No more.”

“Yes. There.” 

And Tiny Girl pointed to the closed cupboard. 

“Want more.”

“No. That fer Wummin. Wummin is old en need food. Girl is little and strong.” 

“Ole Wummin no OK?”

“That right. Wummin bad. Need more food.”

“Ok.”

Tiny Girl scrunched up her face and rubbed Old Woman’s arm. It was cute. “Ok.”

That dark cycle, Tiny Girl gave Old Woman some of her food. 

Next trip out on her own, Old Woman found a lock to put on the cupboard. 

But the next few trips with Tiny Girl through the market gave them more vegetables and fruit than they could eat. Old Woman couldn’t figure out how she picked up so much. Were the traders giving it to her or was she just that good at silently grabbing. Was Tiny Girl trying to find more cause Old Woman said she was poorly? 

But did she care? 

Yes, because she wanted to be able to do it. 

No, because they ate well for these cycles. Old Woman couldn’t let the food go bad. 

So with all the life liquid and the food Tiny Girl was finding, their life was good. She didn’t have to lessen Tiny Girl’s food. Everything was good. Except for constantly being on the alert in their rooms and afraid of gangs breaking in, it was pretty nice. 

Old Woman hadn’t been so full for a while. She made sure to tell Girl she was doing good, to encourage her. And Tiny Girl loved encouragement. She loved being acknowledged and spoken to. Sometimes Girl would pass the praise onto her doll. 

“Good,” and she would pat its little head. 

As Tiny Girl was proving so good at finding food, Woman let her keep her doll with her when they were in their rooms. She allowed her to carry it around, sit it on the table and natter to it to keep her occupied. That allowed Old Woman to keep up with the indoor chores. And she could hear where Tiny Girl was. If she started to get too loud, Old Woman would first tell Girl to stop the noise. If she didn’t, she got a slap and told to shut it. She told herself she had to be this strict. They didn’t want those outside to hear. Soon, all Old Woman had to do was look harshly at Girl and she would stop her chattering. 

She learned quickly, did Tiny Girl. 

One dark cycle, Old Woman was going through the cupboard. There was a lot of fruit and vegetables that needed using. Perhaps make jam and cook the vegetables. They could be stored then for later. And she would get Tiny Girl to help. It would be practice with her knife. 

Old Woman began pulling the food from the cupboard and putting it on the table. Tiny Girl came out from the rest room where she had been playing. She was curious. 

“Good, Girl. Come ‘ere.”

Tiny Girl came over and pulled her liquid storage around and stood up on it. She sat her doll up on the side of the table. “Stay. Good.”

Blue eyes to Old Woman. 

“Eat food?”

“Yea en no. Ya gonna help Wummin make it.”

“Oh?”

“Ya member how ta cut food?”

“Yes,” and Tiny Girl reached across for some vegetables, rolling them around. 

“No play,” she said sternly and laid a sharp knife on the table. “Be carful.”

Tiny Girl nodded lots and started cutting up the food stuff. She would stop when they were too small for her to control. But she would just start another. While Girl did the vegetables, Old Woman cut up the fruit for jam. She had a few jars that had been empty for a while and stuffed the fruit in them, mashing it up. She made a few different types to keep Girl interested. 

As Tiny Girl finished up, Old Woman dragged the fire vessel to the middle of the room under the roof window, opening it up. She lit the fire. She filled the cooking vessel with one of the jars of mushed fruit and a little life liquid. There was still a little sweet powder left so she divvied it out between the jars. This was very hard to find and would need a special trip to another part of the city. And that would be a good outing for Tiny Girl. 

Each jar was boiled and mashed. Then put back to cool. Tiny Girl was very curious and kept getting under foot so she was given an orange to keep her busy. Then the vegetable bits were cooked in hot life liquid. This then would be used to clean. Tiny Girl was covered in muck and needed a clean before her skin got too scratchy. But it would have to cool. The hot life liquid was poured into the vessel in the pee room. Old Woman had to push Tiny Girl out of the pee room as she was reaching to touch the hot liquid. 

“No. Do no be stupid, Girl. Tis hot and hurt ya. Now, git.”

Tiny Girl jumped at the smack to her bottom and went back to where she left her doll sitting on her life liquid vessel. She sat there, clutching her doll, staring. 

This Girl was good at staring. If looks could kill, Old Woman thought, they would be safe. 

Woman left the cover off the fire vessel to cool. It would also warm their rooms. 

“Time ta eat, Girl.”

Old Woman pointed at the table and Tiny Girl got over her scowling to stand up on her vessel and lean on the table, wanting her food. The sharp knife was still there and she reached for it but Old Woman was able to grab it in time. 

“No. Sharp. Hurt Girl. Only fer cuttin food.”

“No Girl’s?”

“Ya git it when we go out.”

“Ah, OK. I hungry.”

“Yes. Wummin is gettin ya food, Girl. Be pashent.”

Tiny Girl leaned forward on her elbows. Eager. 

From the other cupboard, Old Woman got two small food vessels and filled both with the cooked vegetables. She put one in front of Tiny Girl and looked at her. 

Girl looked back but didn’t move. She licked her lips. But still didn’t move. 

“Eat. That fer ya, Girl.”

“Tank you,” and Girl picked up a piece and ate it. 

She still ate slowly. Piece by little piece. She always looked at it first too. Hmm...Old Woman thought how to get her to eat faster. Maybe teach when out in the city. Where things were scary. Yes. It felt too safe here in their rooms to Tiny Girl so she ate slowly. 

Before Old Woman began to eat her food, she filled up two drinking vessels with their precious life liquid for them. They had a copious amount so she felt they could have some with their dark cycle eat. 

Tiny Girl had been good this cycle. She found food. Helped Old Woman cut the food and get it ready. And she thanked Woman for the food. She didn’t take it for granted. She was a good girl. 

And she was going to get a clean soon. Old Woman thought she would like that. 

Then she thought she would clean Tiny Girl’s cloth. She only had one set of cloth and it had gotten dirty over the last cycles. She hadn’t peed herself as she was good with that but going out and climbing through this broken city had spoiled her cloth. But Old Woman would need something to put on her. 

The fire vessel was still warm. While Tiny Girl was still eating, Old Woman pushed the fire vessel into their rest room, to warm it up. She opened the top of the window to let the smoke out but shut the door to keep the heat in. 

Yes. Tiny Girl would be warm while her cloth was drying. 

Old Woman went back to the table. Tiny Girl was watching her with questions in her eyes. She held her little hands out, asking what was happening. There was a cube of food in one of her hands. She ate it when done gesturing. 

Yes. Old Woman was falling in love with Tiny Girl. 

“Ne’er ya mind, Girl. Eat ya food.”

And Old Woman ate all of her food fast. As she had practiced. So it couldn’t be taken away from her. It couldn’t be stolen. Tiny Girl looked amazed. Her eyes big and her mouth open. Then she looked at what was left in her vessel and gobbled it up. 

Then she heaved. And tried not to chuck it up. Tiny Girl didn’t know how to eat fast yet. Old Woman came round the table and rubbed her back, feeling her bones through her skinny body. Tiny Girl heaved a few more times then breathed. But she didn’t loose any food. 

“Good, Girl. Good.”

Then Tiny Girl greedily drank her life liquid. It dripped from her chin. 

“Ah!” She said when done. And looked to Old Woman for praise. 

“Good, Girl.”

Time for clean. 

“Come,” and she waved her hand for the girl to follow her to the pee room. She heard Tiny Girl climb off of her vessel and follow her. 

In the pee room, she checked the life liquid in the vessel. It was still hot but not so hot to burn. Old Woman’s hands were more used to it so she got a cleaning cloth, she only had two, and put it in the hot liquid. She got some cleaning liquid, of which she had very little left and put a bit in, and swirled the cloth around. 

When Old Woman turned around, Tiny Girl was there, looking up at her. Doll in hand. Could doll be cleaned too?

Yes. It could. And it would. 

“Girl, time ta clean.”

Big question eyes. 

“Give Wummin doll.”

Tiny Girl held doll up. 

“Thank you.” She took the doll and turned it around. It was just an off white cloth figure. No cloth to cover it. No hair. No face. Very plain. Simple. But Tiny Girl loved it. So Old Woman would treat it properly. With respect.

“Clean doll.”

Woman dipped doll in the liquid and then rung it out. Girl’s eyes shot up. “Clean,” Old Woman said. She sat doll up on the side of the vessel. 

“Stay. Good, doll.” And she looked back at Tiny Girl who was all big eyes and amazement. 

“Ya git clean, Girl. Lift ya arms.”

Tiny Girl put her hands up in the air. Old Woman pulled the top cloth off of her. Girl just dropped her arms. She wasn’t old enough yet to be conscious of her body. She was only five. And still so small. 

So Old Woman pulled her lower cloth down, “Step, Girl.”

And she stepped out of her cloth. Tiny Girl was standing there naked. Her arms and legs dirty with muck to disguise her but her little core body white as a cloud. She was so cute. And trusting of Old Woman. 

Don’t disrespect this trust, Old Woman, she told herself. 

She squeezed out the cleaning cloth from the hot water. Then she gently wiped it down Tiny Girl’s leg. Start somewhere less sensitive. Tiny Girl jumped but then oohed and aahed. She liked the cloth. She stood still while Old Woman cleaned her legs and arms. And then her face. 

Tiny Girl closed her eyes and let Old Woman wipe her face clean. 

When she was all done, she picked Tiny Girl up and carried her to the rest room, which was warm from the fire vessel. She laid Girl on her platform and covered her. 

“Rest, now, Girl. Doll be there,” and she pointed to a place by the fire vessel where it could dry. Woman got the doll and put it in that spot. Tiny Girl curled up on her side so she could see the doll. 

“Ok,” she said in an uncertain voice. 

Old Woman went back and rinsed Tiny Girl’s cloth, rung them out and brought them to hang on the side of the fire vessel. 

She saw Tiny Girl had fallen asleep, curled up looking to where her doll was. 

Leaving the room, Old Woman cleaned next but put her cloth back on. Not enough hot clean life liquid to clean her cloth. Then she filled a vessel of life liquid for Tiny Girl and left it by her platform. 

Old Woman set to cleaning up after late eat, putting all of the waste by the door to be taken out. Cleaning the vessels using the water in the pee room and rinsing them lightly with clean water. Once everything was tidy, she went to the rest room. 

Tiny Girl’s gentle snores met her and she sighed. She made sure her little body was warm before getting on her platform to rest. Maybe she should look for more rest covers. It was getting warmer and people in the better area of the city were beginning to leave things out to dry. Maybe find more covers and more cloth for Tiny Girl. 

Yes, that was what she was going to do. 

At least Tiny Girl was clean for tonight. She would rest well. But she would have to be made dirty again in the new cycle to keep others from seeing her. She was too cute. 

But she would rest tonight. Old Woman knew she was only little. And she didn’t know what was happening in this devastated world.


	58. Safety There, No Question

What was she remembering? 

Doctor held Tasha until she fell asleep. Which was quite quick. Her skinny body tucked up under her left arm, head on her shoulder. Dr Pulaski held her close, but gently. 

What had happened? 

Tasha had been excited and all wound up after meeting Lt Akinyemi and the possibility of learning to fight. She seemed happy and positive while they sat and read on the couch. She went to bed quietly and without comment. 

This led the doctor to worry maybe Tasha wasn’t as relaxed here as she had thought. But Tasha came to her, that was a good sign. Whatever had happened to the girl was much more than Dr Pulaski could imagine. Tasha had suffered something terrible that kept torturing her. All the girl managed to do was move to the doctor’s bed and cry.

Curl up and cry. Then fall asleep. What was she remembering?

It made Dr Pulaski shake imagining. She now couldn’t sleep, worrying the worst about Tasha’s past. She looked at the girl, curled up in the crook of her arm. Her soft blond hair. Her relaxed dark eyebrows. Her skinny arm over the doctor’s stomach. 

What had happened to her?

Dr Pulaski kissed her head and tried to fall back to sleep. But she couldn’t. 

Tasha had awoken her soul. And it stirred her. She never had someone who seemed to need her so much. Her daughter had really grown up with her father so she wasn’t really much of a parent there. But Tasha needed her. Needed her to be a mother. To listen. To hold her. 

To hold her. 

This poor girl had never been held before. Or that’s what Dr Pulaski understood from Tasha’s short talk last night. Being held and being touched equalled being hurt to her. So for her to be held by the doctor was something new. And here Tasha was seeking it out right away when she was upset. 

Dr Pulaski needed to step up. Be what Tasha needed. To help her heal and be ready to find out what would happen next in her life. 

What happens next. 

What does happen next? 

Dr Pulaski hadn’t thought about that. What is Tasha to do now? She couldn’t go back to her home world. As far as the doctor knew, she had no family anywhere. Dr Pulaski had tried to look into Tasha’s history but there were no records from Turkana Four. Nothing to say who her parents were, how her family came to be there or any links to Earth when the colony was formed. 

And Tasha couldn’t stay forever with the doctor on a Star Fleet star ship. As much as the doctor would like to keep her, civilians weren’t allowed to live on active star ships. The girl wasn’t even a Federation citizen. 

Would Dr Pulaski be able to adopt Tasha? Probably. But she would have to move to a space station or planet side assignment. Was she ready for that? 

So many things she had to start considering. But thankfully, the captain was allowing her to keep Tasha here with her. For now. 

So right now, she was going to do all she could to prepare Tasha for what would happen next. 

The turmoil of her thoughts slowly darkened and she fell asleep, holding Tasha. 

She opened her eyes. She felt tired. She saw Tasha sleeping beside her. Tasha was on her side, her arms wrapped around her legs that were pulled up to her chest. 

Turning on her side, Dr Pulaski thought through how all of this started. She was ordered to go on one of the away teams to that failed colony. Grudgingly she went with no expectations except to do some scans of the colonists and leave. But she was greeted with those screams. 

The screams from a girl being assaulted. 

Dr Pulaski had never been sexually assaulted. All  
of her sexual encounters had been consensual and enjoyable. Very much so. It scared her to imagine a sexual encounter not being so. And she was a forty year old woman. So trying to empathize with a fifteen year old girl who was raped terrified her. And Tasha was quite possibly raped before if Dr Pulaski understood her correctly when she tried to talk to her after her episode. And both encounters had multiple attackers. 

There was no way Dr Pulaski could imagine what those attacks were like. 

Her sweet girl. 

She slid out of bed as smoothly as she could though Tasha seemed out for the count. She used the bathroom and then retrieved the girl’s flashlight and a cup of water for her, placing them on the side table. Getting herself a coffee and her PADD, she slid back into bed. And worked. 

It didn’t take long for Tasha to wake. She turned over and opened her eyes, rubbing them hard. Then she turned her head and looked up at the doctor with worried eyes. 

Dr Pulaski smiled. 

“Good morning, Tasha. How do you feel!”

Tasha blushed. She scrunched up her eyes and shrunk under her blanket. Her eyes looked about and then came back to stare at the doctor. She just kept smiling at the girl. 

“Tatha OK.”

Two words. That was all the girl said. She needed to let her know she was OK. That she didn’t do anything wrong. 

“Yes, you are, Tasha. Do you want to talk about it?”

Tasha looked up at her wide eyed. Then dropped her look down, seemingly thinking. She was quiet for a while before popping her head back up. Dr Pulaski smiled at her. Tasha appeared worried. And then spoke. 

“Tatha want wader. Doc-tor want wader?”

Such a sweet girl. 

She smiled and replied, “No, Tasha. May I have a coffee, please?”

“Yeth!!”

She shouted. And Tasha winced as if she knew she was too loud but climbed quickly out of the bed, running to the other room. Dr Pulaski smiled sadly as the girl ran back and forth with coffee and water drinks for them. Tasha appeared to be gearing up for something. She climbed back into bed with her water and settled down. Doctor drank her coffee slowly. Tasha seemed to try too, to drink slowly, placing her water on the side. 

She smoothed the cover on her legs and said, “Oh-Kay. Tatha thee hurt,” touching her head. 

Tasha just used the few words she knew. Dr Pulaski felt she had more to say. 

“You remembered what happened to you? Before you came here?” The doctor asked, trying to encourage the girl, who blushed. Tasha leaned back into the pillows, holding the cover up to her chest, whispering “remember.” She was very serious, internalising whatever she was thinking but then she just shook her head. 

Tasha leant over and reached out, pointing at the PADD on the doctor’s lap, “Tatha?”

“No, Tasha, this is Doctor’s PADD,” she laughed out loud. Did Tasha think she would take the girl’s PADD? 

Tasha tried to laugh and it came out like a giggle, opening her mouth as if smiling. She shook her head, pointed and said, “No, Doctor, Tatha thee Tatha.”

Not sure what the girl was trying to say, she handed the PADD to her when she reached for it. Tasha pushed herself up to lean against the pillows and started flipping through the information and pictures until she came to something. Tasha inspected the item, touching the image. 

“Aitch. Aee. En. Dee. Ha-an-nd,” she read carefully. 

Dr Pulaski was impressed. Yes, the girl was very clever. She smiled at the child when she looked up at her. “That’s right, Tasha. Hand. That was very good.”

Again, Tasha blushed and tried to smile. “Tathath hand?”

“Yes, it is. Tasha’s hand. I am looking at how the bones have set and what needs to be manipulated to reset them.”

The girl just looked at her as if overwhelmed with so many words. But her eyebrows curled up and she looked at her left hand, turning it around. And then she lifted it up, holding her hand out to the doctor to see. Dr Pulaski took hold of and and gently turned it, smoothing the rough skin. Tasha’s fingers had healed back from being broken but were curled in like a claw. It would have be painful for the girl to move them. She laid her hand down. 

“Here, it’s easier to see on the PADD, Tasha.”

Dr Pulaski activated the file Tasha had found of her hand. It began with the initial scans. 

“See, Tasha, watch,” and Dr Pulaski spoke through what the operation would entail. She spun the image model and slowly removed the skin, the scant fatty tissue and muscle down to the bone. The doctor pointed out tendons that had shortened and bones that had fused, moved them around and back into place. Once it was all back in place, she added the layers back on until the model rendition of Tasha’s hand could move normally. 

She looked at the girl next to her. Tasha was a picture of awe: eyebrows raised and mouth open. The doctor smiled at her as she pointed at the PADD, unbelieving, “Tathath hand?”

“Yes, Tasha, that will be your hand.” She picked up the misshapen hand, “I am going to repair it.”

Tasha tried to move the fingers of her left hand, wincing slightly. She then flexed her right hand, making a fist and holding it out. Pulling her left hand back to her, Tasha grabbed the PADD, moving through the files quickly, her face determined. Then she stopped and stared at the picture. 

“Eff. Oh. Oh. Tee. Eff-oh-te,” she pronounced carefully, looking to see if she was right. 

“Almost, Tasha. Foot.” Yes, not all letters and words match up exactly but she tried. “This is your foot. I need to do the same operation to it as I need to do to your hand.”

And to show her, Dr Pulaski animated the model and let it change through the layers and back again, watching Tasha’s amazement through her eyes and small sounds she made. She pulled her foot out to look at it. To try to move it. 

“Foot. Hand. Foot. Hand.” Tasha just repeated the words. 

“Tatha get Tathath PADD,” she said suddenly, glancing at Dr Pulaski with shining eyes. She climbed ungracefully out of bed, pulling the cover with her and ran to the living room. The doctor laughed and pulled the cover back as Tasha came to a quick halt, hitting the bed with her thighs. She put the PADD on the bed and stopped. And looked at Dr Pulaski very seriously. 

“Doc-Tor want coffee?”

“Yes, Tasha, that would be nice.”

Tasha lifted her mouth, ran back to the replicator and could be heard asking it for coffee. Thanking it. Dr Pulaski thought it was a step in the right direction that Tasha thought to get something for her. Thinking of someone else and not just her own survival. 

The girl came back in slowly, her lips tight with concentration as she carried the hot beverage with both hands. As she handed it to her, her eyes were sparkling. She jumped on the spot when the hot mug was relinquished from her hold and clambered back onto the other side, smoothing the cover over her legs. She patted it and picked up her PADD. 

Dr Pulaski sipped her coffee when those blue eyes looked up at her, seriously. 

“OK, Doc-Tor. What Tatha?”

“What do you mean,” she asked slightly confused. Tasha just blinked at her. 

“PADD, what Tatha?” She asked the device. 

“Tasha is a human female.”

“What Doc-Tor?”

“Doctor is a qualified practitioner of medicine.”

“Huh?” And again Tasha looked up at her with such crystal clear confusion. Dr Pulaski laughed. The girl wanted to know the words for how to talk about people. Maybe to talk about her memories. 

“I see what you’re asking Tasha. I am a woman. You are a young woman. A teenage girl.”

“Woman,” Tasha said pointing at the doctor, and then to herself, “woman?” 

“Yes, Tasha. I am an older woman. You are a young woman.”

“Woman. What ith....” and she stopped, pulling her mouth to the side in thought. Her head ticktocked and she spoke to her PADD, “What ith woman?”

“A woman is an adult female,” the dispassionate voice spoke back. But Tasha didn’t seem to listen as she pushed through the pictures that had appeared quickly. Sometimes stopping and inspecting one before pushing it to the side for the next. Until she came to one that made her sit up and hitch her breath. 

“What thith?”

“Man. This is a human male.”

Tasha froze then her breathing stopped and started. 

“Man.” 

Now the girl knew the word for what she remembered. What scared her. Doctor stopped smiling when the child looked at her, fear in her eyes. 

“Yes. Tasha, that is a man.”

Almost without a thought, Tasha blurted out, “Man hurt Tatha. Tatha thee man.”

She was tapping her head hard. Dr Pulaski watched her. Her hands rung the sides of the PADD so tight, her sharp knuckles were turning white. Her eyes squeezed shut when her breath shuddered through her. She shook her head and looked up at the doctor. 

“Man hurt Tatha,” she said simply but it was loaded with so much more. Full of so much more hurt than those three words could convey. Dr Pulaski felt her own chest tighten. 

Tasha just put her PADD down and curled up into a ball on her side, roughly pulling the cover around her, breathing so fast. 

“No no. Go way,” she was whispering as she began to shake. She pulled the cover around her head, hiding completely. 

*Oh my sweet girl, what is scaring you so much?”*  
“Tasha, you are safe here.”

The doctor smoothed the tight cover over her and laid down, curling up around the child. To hold her. To protect her. To keep her safe. 

“I’ve got you, my sweet girl,” she said to soothe her. 

Tasha began to cry. And this time she cried with noise. A small, tight sound that sounded like it was caught inside her chest. A sound that had never come out and when it did, the girl’s body shook. She cried and cried. And cried herself to sleep. And the whole time, Dr Pulaski just held her, wrapped around her, whispering to her. 

“You’re safe now, Tasha.”

Quiet. Still. Tasha had fallen asleep with Dr Pulaski curled up around her. She held the girl’s skinny body for a while as she settled into her deep sleep. When she snored, the doctor moved away little by little, to not wake her. Then she sat up. 

She sat up and watched her rescued orphan sleep. Curled up so tightly that nothing could break through. Tasha had experienced things that Dr Pulaski would never be able to understand. But she had to be able to listen and help when the girl could speak about them. 

Dr Pulaski kissed Tasha’s head and slid as carefully out of the bed as she could. She wanted to let the girl sleep. 

Once out in the main room, she called sickbay.

“Good morning, Mary. How are things today?”

“Hey, Kate. Nothing scheduled and no one has come in. What’s up?”

“Tasha had a bad night. She came to me crying and is sleeping now. I’m going to stay here to keep an eye on her. Do you think you can handle everything there?”

“Gosh, yes. Yes, of course. Jessica said she was quite lively yesterday. Is she alright?”

“She‘s ok, Mary. But I think she’s remembered more of what’s happened to her. Something has her scared. I don’t want to leave her.”

“No. No, I completely understand. Being away from her home now, safe, maybe it’s bringing up hidden memories. That’s wise, Kate. Please let me know if you need help.”

“Thank you. I will, Mary. I’ll let you know how things go. And call if you need me.”

“Will do. Good luck.” 

Dr Pulaski hung her head at her desk. The poor child. She was being terrorized by her memories. By what had happened to her. How can she help? 

She looked in on her. Still asleep. Let her sleep, Dr Pulaski thought. 

So she got herself another coffee and sat at the sofa to read the book she had been reading the night before with Tasha. As she had been preoccupied with the girl, she hadn’t payed attention to what she was reading. She so reread it. Tried to calm her thoughts as she was worried about Tasha. 

Then there were noises. A yawn. An oh. Sounds of the girl getting off of her bed. 

Tasha appeared in the doorway. Holding her flashlight tightly to her chest. 

“Hi, Doc-Tor.”

“Good afternoon, Tasha. How do you feel?”

She smiled and put the book down on her lap. Tasha did a big sigh with her arms being thrown out. Poor girl. She walked out into the room and stared. Moving aimlessly towards where the doctor was sitting. Then she dropped her hands and sat heavily next to her. She pulled her legs up and leant into Dr Pulaski’s side, leaning her head on her chest. 

“Read,” she said, touching the book. 

The doctor was surprized. But she wrapped her arms around her, kissing her head, “Yes, my sweet girl. Let’s read.”


	59. Seeking Out Safety

Where was she?

Coming out of rest, she felt too warm. Too soft. 

Her eyes were cracking. Ah! Bits dried to her lids. She rubbed them hard to make her see clear. 

Ah!!! She was in Doctor’s bed!

Tasha remembered. She felt scared and went to see Doctor. And she held her. Tasha must have fallen asleep. Turning her head, she saw Doctor sitting up next to her, holding a PADD, looking at her with nice eyes. 

“Good morning, Tasha. How do you feel?”

Tasha felt her face heat up. She was embarrassed. She had been weak and had bothered Doctor in her bed. For what?? Because she was upset with remembering boy gangs. Stupid. 

Stupid girl. 

Tasha was lucky Doctor was still talking to her. 

But Doctor looked so nice. 

“Tatha OK.”

“Yes, you are, Tasha. Do you want to talk about it?”

Talk? How? 

How does Tasha talk about what had happened to her? She didn’t know. She never even tried before. Not that she had anyone to tell. Ah she did tell Doctor after her cycles of bad sees but Doctor must not have understood. 

How does she tell what happened last night? Doctor deserved to know. If Tasha doesn’t understand, how can she make Doctor understand? 

Things kept happening that had never happened to her. 

Tasha felt she was quiet for too long and looked up at Doctor. She was still looking nice. Not angry. Not upset. Or anything else. Just nice to girl. Tasha thought she should try. 

You try, Tasha. 

“Tatha want wader. Doc-tor want wader?”

Nice up turned mouth, “No, Tasha. May I have a coffee, please?”

“Yeth!”

Oh!! She spoke that too loud! Inside voice, stupid girl. 

But Tasha quickly climbed out of Doctor’s bed and went to the hole in wall in her room and asked for a coffee. Get Doctor’s drink first. A vessel appeared and it was hot! Yes! Doctor liked hot drinks. So she carried it carefully back to Doctor in her bed, in her room. Then she went back and asked for water. She drank it down and asked for another. She was scared to talk. But she carried her vessel back. Back to Doctor’s bed and climbed on carefully to not spill the water. 

Doctor was drinking slowly from her vessel. So she should. It was hot. 

Tasha tried to drink her water slowly. So she put it on the platform at the side. There was a vessel there already. She wiped her mouth. And looked at Doctor. Who was looking at her nice. 

“Oh-Kay. Tatha thee hurt,” and she pointed at her head. She still didn’t know the word for boy or Man. Why hadn’t she learned these yet? Stupid girl. 

Doctor was there with her answer, “You remembered what happened to you? Before you came here?”

“Remember.”

Again, her face heated up. She leaned back into the pillows and thought. Remember? Yes, she remembered. Doctor asked her that a few times. Remember. Tasha did remember. She was good at remembering. Suddenly she didn’t want to talk about what she remembered. She didn’t want to see it again. So she leant on her elbow and pointed at Doctor’s PADD and said “Tatha?”

Doctor laughed and squished her eyes up. “No, Tasha, this is Doctor’s PADD.”

Tasha tried to laugh back. Doctor thought she meant it was her’s. No, silly Doctor. Tasha had seen her hand and foot on it. So Tasha tried to turn her mouth up like Doctor and shook her head. 

“No, Doc-tor. Tatha thee Tatha,” and she pointed at the PADD again. She held her hand out to see if Doctor would give her the PADD. With a tilt of her head, the woman passed the PADD over to the girl. Tasha nodded and looked at the screen, pushing the pictures aside, looking for what she saw. 

Ah! There was her bad hand. She looked at the picture. And then the symbols by it. “Aitch. Aae. En. Dee. Ha-an-nde,” Tasha tried to say slowly, hoping she read it right. When she looked up at Doctor, she knew she had. Doctor was looking at her so nice, Tasha felt hot again. 

“That’s right, Tasha. Hand. That was very good.”

Good. 

Good, Girl. 

Tasha tried to turn her mouth up. “Tathath hand?”

“Yes, it is. Tasha’s hand. I am looking at how the bones have set and what needs be manipulated to reset them.”

Tasha just looked up at Doctor. She said so many big words she didn’t understand. So she held her bad hand up for Doctor to see if she would show her. Doctor gently took it so Tasha looked at her hand. It was bent and her fingers were curled up. It was hard to move them. And it hurt. Doctor just smoothed her hand and placed it down. 

“Here, it’s easier to see on the PADD, Tasha.”

Then Doctor was speaking but Tasha couldn’t understand. The picture was changing. And she couldn’t take her eyes from it. Her hand turned around and the skin disappeared. She could see fire colored covering and that disappeared too, until all she could see was white pieces in the shape of her hand. Then Doctor touched the picture in places and the white parts separated and she moved them. Moved them so they started to look like Tasha’s good hand. Then the layers started to appear again. The fire colored layer and the skin. And it moved. Moved like a normal hand. 

Tasha couldn’t believe what she was seeing. 

Looking up at Doctor, Tasha raised her eyebrows and pointed at the PADD, “Tathath hand?”

Doctor turned her mouth up and picked up the girl’s bad hand. “Yes, Tasha, that will be your hand. I am going to repair it.”

Tasha looked at her hand in Doctor’s and tried to move her fingers. They only moved a little and it hurt. She looked at her good hand and moved those fingers easily. Stretching them out and then making a fist. She was excited at the thought of being able to move both hands. 

What about her bad foot? 

Taking the PADD back, Tasha swiped through the pictures until she found her foot. 

“Eff. Oh. Oh. Tee. Eff-oh-te,” she tried to pronounce it. She looked up at Doctor to see if she was right. 

“Almost, Tasha. Foot,” she still had her mouth turned up. “This is your foot. I need to do the same operation to it as I need to do to your hand.” 

Doctor touched the PADD and her foot changed the same way her hand had but woman didn’t talk. Tasha watched, amazed. Then she lifted her foot from under the soft cover. She tried to move her toes. Even her ankle was bad. She couldn’t move it right. 

“Foot. Hand,” she repeated. “Foot. Hand.”

Now she knew two new words. Doctor’s words. Foot. Hand. She wanted to know more. She wanted to tell Doctor about her inside sees of the boy gang. 

She looked back to Doctor, “Tatha get Tathath PADD.” And she hopped out of the bed, ran to her room to get her PADD from the layered platform before running back. She stopped and stood by the side of the bed. She thought. Maybe Doctor would like another drink. 

“Doc-Tor want coffee?”

“Yes, Tasha, that would be nice.”

Tasha tried to turn her mouth up and ran back to the hole in wall. “Coff-ee pleathe.” 

And the vessel appeared like always. From no where. Tasha stared for a moment, still amazed with the hole in wall. Then she picked up the hot drink carefully, and carried it back to Doctor in the bed. As she handed it to her, the girl couldn’t believe she was sitting in bed with Doctor, trying to speak about things. She felt so relaxed. So safe. 

And she was enjoying herself. 

This was another new thing she had never done. And she wanted to try to speak about her sees. 

She climbed back onto her side and pulled the cover up over her legs. Then she picked up her PADD and looked up at Doctor, drinking her hot drink. “Oh-Kay, Doc-Tor. What Tatha?”

“What do you mean?”

She looked at her PADD and spoke to it. “PADD, what Tatha?”

The PADD woman spoke back, “Tasha is a female human.” 

“What Doc-Tor?”

“Doctor is a qualified practitioner of medicine.”

“Huh?” Tasha looked up at Doctor, who laughed. Doctor did laugh at weird times. 

“I see what you’re asking, Tasha. I am a woman. You are a young woman. A teenage girl.”

Tasha pointed at Doctor, “Woman?” And pointed at herself, “Woman?”

“Yes, Tasha. I am an older woman. You are a young woman.” 

“Woman. What ith...” and she didn’t know how to ask. What was Big Man? If she was a woman. A girl. She picked her PADD up. “What ith woman?”

PADD woman spoke but Tasha just looked at the pictures and moved them, looking for the one she wanted. She stopped at a picture that made her freeze.

“What thith?”

“Man. This is a human male.”

Her heart sped up. Then stopped. Her breath got caught. Man. 

Man. 

“Man?” Tasha said, looking up at Doctor. 

Doctor stopped her upturned mouth and looked sad. “Yes. Tasha, that is a man.” 

Tasha couldn’t breathe. 

“Man hurt Tatha.” And she tapped her head. “Tatha thee man hurt.”

Oh. Her heart was beating so fast she thought she was going to blow up like those things that took the buildings down. Putting words to her sees was making Tasha feel scared. Feel worried. But what about? She was safe here in her rooms with Doctor. Why was she scared? Scared of inside sees that couldn’t hurt her here? But she was. She was scared. Knowing how to speak the word made it real. She looked at Doctor. Her eyes were open and nice. So she spoke. Spoke what she knew. 

“Man hurt Tatha.”

She didn’t know what else to speak. What to say. That was it. Man had hurt her. Not once. But many times. Many man. And she was ashamed. Girl let it happen. Girl did nothing to stop it. 

Tasha put her PADD down on the bed and curled up, pulling the soft cover over her. She wanted to hide. Hide in the rubble like she used to. To get away from the gangs of man. 

Now they had a name. Man. 

Man. 

She squeezed her eyes shut but still saw the man. Lots of them. Man. Small ones. Big ones. All around her. On top of her. Why did this hurt her? Inside her. They weren’t here. She wasn’t being hurt for real. It hurt her inside. In her head. And it still scared her. 

Pulling the cover tight, Tasha held her legs to her. Her knees at her head with it tucked in. Small. She was beginning to shake. 

And she didn’t know why. 

She was hiding in Doctor’s bed. There was no one to hurt her here. No one to make her feel pain. But she was scared. 

“Tasha, you are safe here.”

She felt a warm touch, over her shoulder and on her back. She knew it was Doctor but stayed curled up. Stayed hiding. She was shaking and couldn’t stop. 

Why was she being weak in front of Doctor? There was no man here to hurt her. Tasha still felt the pain from when they had hurt her. Like it was happening now. That was why she was shaking. 

Tasha was still scared. 

Under the cover, Tasha felt Doctor curl up around her. Surround her and hold her. Doctor was making sure she was safe. So she let this feeling out. Let it shake her body. Let it make her eyes leak life liquid. Let it make sounds from her mouth. She had always kept it quiet. But now, she let it out. 

Asleep. 

She had fallen back to sleep. 

Tasha was still curled up tightly and her body was stiff. Even though she had slept this way so many times, she was getting used to her soft bed. And not hiding. 

She stretched her arms and legs out, remembering she wasn’t in her bed. She was in Doctor’s. Would she be in trouble? She was only allowed to sleep with Old Woman when it was very cold. So they could keep warm. And it was never cold here. 

As she straightened her legs, she pushed the cover from her and looked about. Doctor wasn’t there with her. She was by herself in the bed. Sitting up, she remembered. She had been scared from her inside sees. But they were gone. She was careful not to bring them back. 

Pee. She needed to pee so Tasha slid off of Doctor’s big bed and went to the pee room. Everything seemed quiet. Even her thoughts. She washed her hands and splashed water on her face to clean her eyes. 

To clean her thoughts. 

Back to Doctor’s room. Her PADD was gone so she pulled the cover up like Doctor always did. Her flashlight was on the side platform. And a vessel of water, which she drank. 

Everything seemed quiet. And normal. 

Calm. 

It felt weird after she had been so scared of her remembering man. And learning how to say man. Maybe if she could learn how to speak all of it, it would go away. Leave her alone. Leave her. Let her mind be quiet. 

Hmm, she picked up her flashlight and went to her room. Maybe. 

Doctor was there. Sitting on the big soft seat. Reading from the paper pack. 

“Hi, Doc-tor.”

“Good afternoon, Tasha. How do you feel?”

Doctor turned her mouth up and put the paper pack down. She saw Girl. Tasha took a big breath in, almost shaking and went to sit beside her. She lifted her shoulders and put her hands out, dropping into the big soft seat. She wasn’t sure how she felt. She curled up into Doctor’s side and felt her arms around her. 

“Read,” Tasha said and tapped the paper pack. 

“Yes, my sweet girl. Let’s read,” Doctor said quietly and kissed her head. Doctor was nice. 

Tasha held her flashlight tightly to her and wished she still had her little cloth person.


	60. Loose, But Safe

Bang. 

Bang. 

Bang bang. 

Her heart was beating so hard. 

She looked. She listened. She couldn’t hear Tiny Girl. She peeked through the open window again. 

Where was she? 

It had been too long. 

This was the first time she let Tiny Girl off the rope lead. And let her climb through somewhere Old Woman could not follow. She shouldn’t have done these two things at the same time. Stupid woman. The last time she was this scared was when she saw Tiny Girl standing all on her own, in the middle of that street. Just waiting to be ruined. 

Now she was scared she would loose her. 

Old Woman looked in again. Where, oh, where was she??? Ducking back down, she held her head as she shook it. 

Whispering. 

“Wummin? Ole Wummin?”

She stood so quickly she was dizzy. But Tiny Girl was there trying to look out of the window for her. 

“Girl, Girl, I’m ‘ere.”

Tiny Girl’s little head barely breached the window ledge. She was holding something up. Old Woman didn’t care what she found, she just wanted the girl back. This was a bad idea. She took the item. It was heavy and she put it down. Then she reached in to pick Tiny Girl up and out. 

But Tiny Girl turned around and disappeared. 

“No!” She whispered loudly. 

Old Woman thought. Should she climb through and get the girl? No. Trust her. Trust Tiny Girl. She still took her knife out. She would give her life to protect that girl. She kept her eyes looking out, at the front of this building and her ears in, listening for Tiny Girl and anything else. 

“Wummin?”

She was back. And holding something else up. Old Woman took it and grabbed Tiny Girl’s wrist. 

“Yer comin out na,” she said, getting ready to lift her. 

“No. Girl see sometink to get. Let me.”

“No. Too dangrus. Come.”

“No.”

And she pulled away and ran. 

No. Tiny Girl was going to be caught. She stood getting ready to climb through the window when the girl came running back, cradling something. She held it up for Old Woman to take. She did but she also grabbed Tiny Girl. She had a burst of strength and lifted both out as she held her breath. 

She crouched down with the girl on her lap. And what she was holding in her lap. 

“See?” 

She looked pleased with herself. 

Tiny Girl was holding a pile of cloth. The color of the sky. Cloth to wear. 

“Fer Ole Wummin,” she said with bright eyes. 

Old Woman’s own eyes began to blur. She needed to move. They needed to move. Show no sign of weakness. 

“We go na,” she said, standing, wrapping the rope around the girl and picking up the other two things Tiny Girl had gotten. “Go,” and she tugged the rope. Her heart wasn’t going to last. 

Tiny Girl clutched the cloth to her and followed with a stumble. They made their way from the good area back to where the fighting had been. Through the decimated streets and buildings until they came to their alley. And their stairs. Up to their door. 

It took quite a while to get back. Old Woman was getting tired. Tiny Girl just kept climbing. Kept moving. Looking around. Picking rocks out of Old Woman’s way. She was a good girl. Once inside, Old Woman put the two things down. She hadn’t even looked to see what they were yet. Tiny Girl was unfolding the cloth and looking at it. The rope still around her little waist. 

“See? Ole Wummin can wear,” she held up a top cloth with a bright smile. 

She was a good girl. 

She tugged the rope and Tiny Girl stumbled to her. Old Woman had been scared and was going to allow herself a moment of softness. She put her hands on the girl’s shoulders and looked her in the eyes. Tiny Girl looked back. 

“I was scared, Girl. Ya must do wat I say,” she said. 

“Yes. But I saw sometink for you.”

“Ole Wummin need nothink. But Ole Wummin need Girl. Ya do as I say. Always. Ta stay safe.”

Tiny Girl dropped her head. “Ok.”

No slap for disobeying. She didn’t feel that was what was needed. She was going to do something she didn’t do. 

Old Woman pulled Girl’s little body to her and held her. Felt her warmth. Felt her heart beating. And Tiny Girl wrapped her arms around Old Woman’s hips, snuggling close. She needed this too. 

And the woman held the girl for a little while. The girl needed to be held, she told herself. Tiny Girl’s hold felt strong. Then she sniffed and pushed the girl away. 

“Ok, see wat ya found.”

Tiny Girl ran to the rest room and came back with her doll. The rope lead was tangled up around her body. 

Old Woman looked at the two items. One was a thick jar and it had small white pellets inside. Woman remembered seeing this before. What was it? It was good stuff and needed to be cooked in very hot water. What was it called? She searched her brain. 

Rice! 

Tiny Girl had found a jar of rice! Hard to cook but filling and good to eat. 

“Good, Girl,” she said in praise. Tiny Girl lifted her chin. 

The other item was a metal box. The woman took the top off and inspected the contents. There was jewellery inside. Rings. Pins. A necklace. Most with shining rocks. Old Woman hadn’t seen these things for a long long time. Only rich people that were a part of the battle for power had these things. These things could be traded. And Old Woman knew where to go. 

“Very good, Girl.”

Tiny Girl squeezed her eyes shut and nodded, holding her doll tight. She was pleased with herself. 

And Girl had gotten cloth for Old Woman. She couldn’t let that go unnoticed. So she picked up the top. It was sky color and thick. It would be warm. And it had long arms. Yes it was nice. There were also feet covers. Dark. They were a very good find. Old Woman liked them. 

“Tis is good, Girl. Ole Wummin like. Thank you.” She praised Tiny Girl, who nodded lots and wrapped her arms around the woman’s hips. 

“I was no scared,” her quiet muffled voice said. 

“No. Girl was brave. But ya need ta lissen ta wummin.”

“Yes.”

She rubbed her head and pushed her away. No more softness. Need to be stern. Be harsh. Teach. 

“Ok. Wummin need rest.”

And she needed to think about trading the jewellery. She couldn’t keep that here for too long. As she thought, she filled two vessels with life liquid giving one to Tiny Girl. 

“Tank you,” she said, drinking it down, still wearing the rope. 

Old Woman untied the rope, unwrapping it from the girl’s body and wound it up, putting it on the shelf. She put the jar of rice in the cupboard, locking it and hid the jewellery under the floor, where she had loosened some boards. She used the pee room and took her vessel to the rest room with her new cloth. Sitting heavily on her platform, she removed her old, worn feet covers and put the new soft ones on. They were nice. She sipped her life liquid and laid down to rest. 

Maybe she could trade the jewellery for cloth for Tiny Girl. With all of her climbing, girl would wear her’s out soon. 

As she closed her eyes, she heard the sound of little feet. Through one eye, she saw Tiny Girl step in quietly with her doll and curl up on her platform, closing her eyes to rest too. 

Good. 

When she woke, it was dark. Ah, rested too long. She could hear Tiny Girl in the other room, nattering to her doll. 

It was dark but she could see Tiny Girl standing on top of the table, holding her doll out. 

“And Girl found tings. Got tings. Nice tings fer Ole Wummin. En Wummin be like, good girl. Girl good.”

She was telling her doll what had happened. 

“Yes, ya are a good girl,” she said to back up Tiny Girl’s tale. The new feet covers were warm. “Ya hungry?”

“Yes!”

“Dunt be loud, Girl.”

“yes.”

She was getting too bold. She needed to be less so to be careful. Girl climbed off the table and stood in her vessel, laying her head on her arms, using the doll as a rest. 

There was no bread left so she thought she’d cook some rice. She hadn’t had that since before her parents were killed. Could she even remember what it tasted like? She could mix the vegetables she had cooked a few cycles ago. She put an orange and a knife on the table for Tiny Girl. Cooking the rice would take a while. 

Tiny Girl popped up and grabbed the fruit, stabbing it with the knife. She was getting good with it. Kept her fingers away from the blade. Woman always kept an eye on her when she had a knife. 

As girl peeled and ate her orange, Old Woman prepared the fire vessel and heated life liquid, putting in the rice. They could have a clean again tonight. Maybe she could clean her cloth. She had a few sets. She needed to get more for girl. Cloth was hard to find. Shops that sold it in the other area were heavily locked and she hadn’t been able to break in. And she had only ever found cloth when people hung it out to dry and forgot. But that was just luck. But with the jewellery, she maybe able to trade for it. 

What else did they need? 

They? 

Old Woman was already thinking of herself as they, her and Tiny Girl. She looked over at the girl offering a piece of orange to her doll and was surprized with herself at how quickly she grew accustomed to the girl. After so many long cycles of being alone, this Tiny Girl appeared and became the center of Old Woman’s world. 

She felt she had a purpose now. 

Yes. Old Woman’s purpose was to help Tiny Girl to survive and to live. To teach her how to do this in this devastated world. 

Old Woman had a purpose. On the day of finding Tiny Girl, she vowed to keep her safe. Now, today, she vowed to teach her to survive. 

And she could only hope, that one cycle, Tiny Girl would make it off this poor excuse of a world to a better place. A place that would appreciate her. And let her live. 

Let her be a Tiny Girl.


End file.
